how do you deal with people not liking you?

[PurpleTree]

Was just never really able to deal with that. Even the idea of people not liking me.

Obviously self love is very important here and i feel i do have a big love for Self and the universe.

I can go alone to another city walk around all day, go to the stores, order a chai latte, make eye contact to people, maybe create some kind of attraction sometimes, go to a lake alone, grab some food, even if there are many other people whom i don't know and read and swim there all while feeling generally a kind of self love and feel connected to the universe blah blah

Maybe sometimes i see some attractive women which i'd like to talk to but then don't have the confidence which creates some inner tensions or creates a feeling of loneliness but generally feel decent/good self loving

But if i'm somewhere and there are people some of them i know could be at a party or whatever, maybe a few of them like me but one of them is giving the cold shoulder or acting cold or whatever. That usually sends the Tree into a downwards spiral. Just gives the Tree a horrible feeling. Even a non friendly stare or face by a stranger could be too much.

Now obviously i know that's very childish, not everybody can love me all the time and it just makes the Tree needy for love and validation. The Tree knows that he's giving all his power and freedom away if he's getting triggered by someone not being so fond of him or even the thought of someone not liking him but how to deal with those triggers? The Tree's tried many things, and self love is there but just very unstable and easily destroyed.

 

[puporing]

Dawww... I hear you. It's like you "logically" know the material but not feeling it in your day-to-day reality. I'm going to approach this with an assumption that you desire positive connections in relation to another (as opposed to when you are on your own).

Do you find that loving people are scarce in your life and is this what you want more of but maybe don't think you can ask for? Do you think others in your life might have felt the same way? How might one increase connection when relating to the other so as to feel more seen and loved and reciprocate the same, as opposed to the other way around? Is it possible to branch out to more people/interactions/situations that I have previously shied away from? Do you feel you have something others want like the thing you might want in others? 

And I hear that you are doing this pretty well when you're alone.. perhaps in nature.. is it possible to see the people who 'gave you the cold shoulder' the same way as you might see a tree? or as part of the universe you have connected with? Would that affect how you feel about the situation next time?

Edited January 30, 2022 by puporing

[Leo Gura]

Socialize a lot more and build out your social circle to the point where you can't even handle any more friends.

This is a scarcity vs abundance problem. Build the abundance you want rather than retreating into a solitary corner.

As you do that you will stop caring about people who don't resonate with you. There are so many people in the world to socialize with that you don't need even 10% of them to love you.

Bottom line: stop brooding about this, move to a city with good socialization options, and go socialize a lot until you get this problem handled.

[Danioover9000]

@PurpleTree  I don't see you having a social problem. If you can write and post here in the forum, you can communicate to other people. If you are willing to engage with other users here in the forum, you can willingly go and socialize, which means you can train yourself to be social.

   There are so mant forests with many different trees, keep going until you find your own society of purple trees.

[Leo Gura]

3 minutes ago, Danioover9000 said:

If you are willing to engage with other users here in the forum, you can willingly go and socialize

Not the same thing.

People use online to avoid real-life socialization.

[BlueOak]

Everyone hates you. Yep, there are some things you do that everybody hates and there always is going to be. Might help to know that from the off, its less of a surprise or reaction then when its shown.

Its natural to want people to like you or to start off at least neutral with someone to give them the benefit of the doubt when you first meet. After that well relationships have such a complexity to them that you have to expect a wide range of reactions. You can't control what those reactions are, and you can't change everything about yourself to make every interaction a nice one either.

As a personal note. Living in a state of pure self love is tough in a judgemental environment. Most interactions are based in judgement, but you can find people that you have more positive interactions with if you look, if you seek them out and then when you find them, don't let those relationships go to waste they are precious.

[PurpleTree]

10 hours ago, puporing said:

Do you find that loving people are scarce in your life and is this what you want more of but maybe don't think you can ask for? 

Yea somewhat scarce. But i don't see the fault in the world but in my own anxieties and insecurities etc.

10 hours ago, puporing said:

How might one increase connection when relating to the other so as to feel more seen and loved and reciprocate the same, as opposed to the other way around? Is it possible to branch out to more people/interactions/situations that I have previously shied away from? Do you feel you have something others want like the thing you might want in others? 

i feel like connecting to others can be the nicest thing but trying to connect to others and not being able to because of whatever is probably the most frustrating thing. Having something that others want? Well i'm not sure.

10 hours ago, puporing said:

And I hear that you are doing this pretty well when you're alone.. perhaps in nature.. is it possible to see the people who 'gave you the cold shoulder' the same way as you might see a tree? or as part of the universe you have connected with? Would that affect how you feel about the situation next time?

Yea the Tree does well in nature or also in cities. Sometimes also really well with people. Just often tend to overthink stuff with people and get into my head. I'm also guilty of judging people sometimes/often, i deconstruct people and myself and see their and my flaws often, which i don't really want but do naturally. Could i see them as tree? Well that's hard because a tree or a dog or the stars or whatever don't give you a cold shoulder or give you a bad feeling. But that would be the goal i guess.

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Socialize a lot more and build out your social circle to the point where you can't even handle any more friends.

This is a scarcity vs abundance problem. Build the abundance you want rather than retreating into a solitary corner.

As you do that you will stop caring about people who don't resonate with you. There are so many people in the world to socialize with that you don't need even 10% of them to love you.

Bottom line: stop brooding about this, move to a city with good socialization options, and go socialize a lot until you get this problem handled.

I often get frustrated/exhausted when i try to socialise more i think also is a perfectionism problem. Like i want to appear almost perfect or can't understand why socialisation on some days flows a lot easier than others. I want every interaction to be great or else just ponder and ruminate about what i should have said or done. Haven't listened to that many RSD talks but for a while did and heard RSD Tyler say that when he started approaching, he was just very happy that he did it, don't matter how it went. I'm the opposite there, when there was one thing which wasn't good or great then i just obsess over that.  Guess the way here is to focus on the positive but that's hard because it's muscle memory or whatevs.

8 hours ago, Danioover9000 said:

@PurpleTree  I don't see you having a social problem. If you can write and post here in the forum, you can communicate to other people. If you are willing to engage with other users here in the forum, you can willingly go and socialize, which means you can train yourself to be social.

   There are so mant forests with many different trees, keep going until you find your own society of purple trees.

Yea the Tree can communicate to other people can have deep conversations, people have told me they liked me etc. But there is often an underlying feeling of fear of not being liked or being perceived as weird, clingy, needy etc. whatever which then feels very constricting. And if then someone does not like the Tree or gives him the cold shoulder then it just reinforces that.

2 hours ago, BlueOak said:

Everyone hates you. 

That's another approach which i've tried for a minute and it somewhat felt freeing. But it was just a short success. That's another topic the Tree wanted to make "I have too many concepts in my head" for example of how to deal with fear etc.

[Leo Gura]

36 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

I often get frustrated/exhausted when i try to socialise more i think also is a perfectionism problem. Like i want to appear almost perfect or can't understand why socialisation on some days flows a lot easier than others. I want every interaction to be great or else just ponder and ruminate about what i should have said or done.

This is a recipe for disaster. You have to completely not care how socialization goes, and stop trying to be cool or perfect or anything. Zero investment and just self-amusement.

Going out a lot will teach you these lessons, it will teach you to stop caring. And then, ironically, you will start doing great.

You gotta learn to get out of your head when you go out. No thinking.

[JonasVE12]

You are attracting all of it. You are fully responsible for everything that comes into your life. All of it. everything is you. You are doing aaaaalll of it.... 

Your being has collected and embodied certain feelings of shame and fear in your life that is keeping you contracted within the state of consciousness you are in. It is attracting all the same things. Do you want to keep living in this pattern?

See you can get to the point you are free permanently. Where you just are one with yourself and other people. You can start to feel powerful and alive, expanded.

But as long as you don't take responsibility, you will never get there. You know deep down that if you approach daily and consistently, you will release those emotions. I know it has a certain quality of feeling small and weak, but that is okay. Be vulnerable and love yourself through opening your heart in each interaction and after each interaction. Focus on the process and not the individual pieces. Be conscious of your body and how you are becoming more open and welcoming of your emotions instead of being reactive to them. Generate a proactive relationship to tension. Tension is vulnerability. If you are scared to be vulnerable, you will not grow. 

Literally go up to people, feel yourself become reactive and then ground the tension and reactivity into the earth through your body. 

What makes cold approach work is something that happens under the surface, energetically. You are rewiring your nervous system to react differently. It requires effort and consciousness. 

You can transform any lower emotion into acceptance through more consciousness. Frustration and doubt are just there because you are not conscious enough. 

Get out of your mind and take action. Then the body is the gateway to surrender. 

I have an exercise for you: can you walk outside in your neighbourhood in your underwear right now and become fully conscious that you are controlling every and each thought, feeling and experience in your life?

If you have that understanding, you can have the power to approach 10000s of girls and knowing that you can handle it and grow every interaction because you understand the mechanisms of consciousness that either move you forward into acceptance or get you down into contraction. Acceptance naturally is the vibration that attracts.

Intention (i want to get good with women) + discipline (I approach every day 5 girls) + acceptance feeling (unattached, learning, positive, embodying, letting go, flow) = succes with women and social skills

Edited January 30, 2022 by JonasVE12

[Nahm]

@PurpleTree

Skipping jealousy, anger & discouragement and expressing blame doesn’t pan out. It lands you back in insecurity, guilt, unworthiness, fear, grief & powerlessness every time. 

[puporing]

@PurpleTree

The truth of reality cannot hurt us, it's what we tell ourselves/against ourselves about what we are presented with (eg, the triggering behaviors of others): that we're unlovable, unworthy, unattractive, etc. Recognize that others are simply souls dressed up as egos navigating their own journey. Sometimes their journey is meant to be with you, and sometimes without you. You have a choice in the matter, you can choose to be somewhere or not be, just like others do as well. Sometimes others want to end the interaction before you do, sometimes you want to end it before they do. It's okay to feel bad about not being able to connect with another soul, but we have to learn to move on with grace as it is the highest love to give the other their agency to do so. We do not need to go through our journey by using other people's journey against us and establish who we ultimately are based on the path they take. I hope this helps with letting go of the people who are not meant to be on your path/journey at that time or anymore. Much love.

Edited January 30, 2022 by puporing

[Danioover9000]

@PurpleTree

7 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

Yea somewhat scarce. But i don't see the fault in the world but in my own anxieties and insecurities etc.

i feel like connecting to others can be the nicest thing but trying to connect to others and not being able to because of whatever is probably the most frustrating thing. Having something that others want? Well i'm not sure.

Yea the Tree does well in nature or also in cities. Sometimes also really well with people. Just often tend to overthink stuff with people and get into my head. I'm also guilty of judging people sometimes/often, i deconstruct people and myself and see their and my flaws often, which i don't really want but do naturally. Could i see them as tree? Well that's hard because a tree or a dog or the stars or whatever don't give you a cold shoulder or give you a bad feeling. But that would be the goal i guess.

I often get frustrated/exhausted when i try to socialise more i think also is a perfectionism problem. Like i want to appear almost perfect or can't understand why socialisation on some days flows a lot easier than others. I want every interaction to be great or else just ponder and ruminate about what i should have said or done. Haven't listened to that many RSD talks but for a while did and heard RSD Tyler say that when he started approaching, he was just very happy that he did it, don't matter how it went. I'm the opposite there, when there was one thing which wasn't good or great then i just obsess over that.  Guess the way here is to focus on the positive but that's hard because it's muscle memory or whatevs.

Yea the Tree can communicate to other people can have deep conversations, people have told me they liked me etc. But there is often an underlying feeling of fear of not being liked or being perceived as weird, clingy, needy etc. whatever which then feels very constricting. And if then someone does not like the Tree or gives him the cold shoulder then it just reinforces that.

That's another approach which i've tried for a minute and it somewhat felt freeing. But it was just a short success. That's another topic the Tree wanted to make "I have too many concepts in my head" for example of how to deal with fear etc.

   Well, it it sounds like you're over thinking social situations. Sometimes, that good to do if you need to be careful of what you say or do in public. It's not like completely let go of thinking about social situations, or how you can be charismatic or manipulate the social situation, because if you do surrender too much too soon you will expose yourself more to danger, and be at risk of public and social ridicule. However, be self aware that you need less over thinking, not to completely ditch thinking.

   I also have a similar problem, with being perfectionistic in social situations, because I had to. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Danioover9000

[Danioover9000]

@PurpleTree   I don't see a problem with you using the internet to practice your socialization, if social situations are that dangerous to you. I've had problems maintaining eye contact, and one way I improved on that is using the internet, and staring at each face I see, making and maintaining eye contact, from sexual to aggressive and other ways of eye contacts, and this type of training improved my socialization a bit. Maybe try out face cams and do some socializing through that. Let yourself be more perfectionistic as well.

[Flowerfaeiry]

One of the things that has really helped me is making sure that I am consistently building my life purpose. 

[Hardkill]

On 1/31/2022 at 7:29 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

One of the things that has really helped me is making sure that I am consistently building my life purpose. 

I don't think that always works because you may still feel like you're missing something in you life.

[Danioover9000]

@Hardkill

13 hours ago, Hardkill said:

I don't think that always works because you may still feel like you're missing something in you life.

   You'll always be missing out on something in life. The question then becomes, if you already will miss out, have you not missed out in what's valuable to you in life?

[something_else]

On 31/01/2022 at 9:27 PM, Danioover9000 said:

@PurpleTree   I don't see a problem with you using the internet to practice your socialization, if social situations are that dangerous to you. I've had problems maintaining eye contact, and one way I improved on that is using the internet, and staring at each face I see, making and maintaining eye contact, from sexual to aggressive and other ways of eye contacts, and this type of training improved my socialization a bit. Maybe try out face cams and do some socializing through that. Let yourself be more perfectionistic as well.

Omegle or face to face chat rooms are kinda interesting for this. I used to use them a bit. If you can fight the hordes of middle aged penis you can usually get a few good convos and it's totally risk free socialisation. It isn't even really close to real life but it's a start

[Matthew85]

@PurpleTree Hi PurpleTree. This insight I had many years ago helped me a lot with this. Realize that none of us are perceiving people and reality as it truly is. Everything we observe is instantly filtered through thousands of belief's, judgment's and biases we have built up. Some of us have more layers than others, but we all have them. These layers of belief's, judgment's and biases distort what we are observing. Once you truly get this, you realize most people are not able to see you. They only see their distorted perception of you. If you had recently purchased a beautiful painting, you wouldn't ask your blind friend if they liked it. That would be silly. In a sense, that is what we are doing by seeking validation from others. They can't see you, so in needing or seeking this you will continually be disappointed or upset. 

Edited February 5, 2022 by Matthew85

[BlueOak]

On 1/30/2022 at 1:52 PM, PurpleTree said:

That's another approach which i've tried for a minute and it somewhat felt freeing. But it was just a short success. That's another topic the Tree wanted to make "I have too many concepts in my head" for example of how to deal with fear etc.

Why do you want to be free of other people's opinions. 

I mean I understand if someone is in your face every day giving you an unwanted opinion, that would get annoying or worse fast. Also if there is something you can't fix or get past, that can be sore to hear. Otherwise you can take or leave whatever you like. This comment or entire conversation for example can be completely discarded, or picked apart to find what's useful or not to you.

I'll try something less extreme than hate. Mostly people are completely indifferent to you or me, because they are. There are a few people in your life that will care or hate after you leave the room, but beyond a momentary experience of emotion even those you have an altercation or positive shared experience with will forget about you five minutes after you leave.

Everything else is on you. Carried by you, learned from, reflected on, or forgotten by you etc. Can I take a guess at something, did you have overly dramatic parents, school, environment (stressful job) or childhood, where things stuck around for days after the fact. The intensity of those experiences can color how we look at the world. In reality most people are indifferent and will forget about whatever happened moments after its done, despite some of us growing up learning the opposite. The people that carry grudges or take things too far in reality for example tend to stand out, most people just want to get on with their day.

[PurpleTree]

14 hours ago, BlueOak said:

I'll try something less extreme than hate. Mostly people are completely indifferent to you or me, because they are. There are a few people in your life that will care or hate after you leave the room, but beyond a momentary experience of emotion even those you have an altercation or positive shared experience with will forget about you five minutes after you leave.

I don't forget people in 5 minutes generally so maybe it's because i tend to overthink, situations, people, social situations etc.  because i grew up as an only child or whatever and always had time to think. So i imagine others doing the same in a way.

On 30.1.2022 at 7:48 PM, puporing said:

@PurpleTree

The truth of reality cannot hurt us, it's what we tell ourselves/against ourselves about what we are presented with (eg, the triggering behaviors of others): that we're unlovable, unworthy, unattractive, etc. Recognize that others are simply souls dressed up as egos navigating their own journey. Sometimes their journey is meant to be with you, and sometimes without you. You have a choice in the matter, you can choose to be somewhere or not be, just like others do as well. Sometimes others want to end the interaction before you do, sometimes you want to end it before they do. It's okay to feel bad about not being able to connect with another soul, but we have to learn to move on with grace as it is the highest love to give the other their agency to do so. We do not need to go through our journey by using other people's journey against us and establish who we ultimately are based on the path they take. I hope this helps with letting go of the people who are not meant to be on your path/journey at that time or anymore. Much love.

yea thanks 

On 30.1.2022 at 3:25 PM, Leo Gura said:

This is a recipe for disaster. You have to completely not care how socialization goes, and stop trying to be cool or perfect or anything. Zero investment and just self-amusement.

Going out a lot will teach you these lessons, it will teach you to stop caring. And then, ironically, you will start doing great.

You gotta learn to get out of your head when you go out. No thinking.

 

yea i hope soon-ish i can go out more again

On 30.1.2022 at 9:51 PM, Danioover9000 said:

@PurpleTree

   Well, it it sounds like you're over thinking social situations. Sometimes, that good to do if you need to be careful of what you say or do in public. It's not like completely let go of thinking about social situations, or how you can be charismatic or manipulate the social situation, because if you do surrender too much too soon you will expose yourself more to danger, and be at risk of public and social ridicule. However, be self aware that you need less over thinking, not to completely ditch thinking.

   I also have a similar problem, with being perfectionistic in social situations, because I had to. 

yea i certainly "overthink" many things

On 1.2.2022 at 4:29 AM, Flowerfaeiry said:

One of the things that has really helped me is making sure that I am consistently building my life purpose. 

that would be good

17 hours ago, Matthew85 said:

@PurpleTree Hi PurpleTree. This insight I had many years ago helped me a lot with this. Realize that none of us are perceiving people and reality as it truly is. Everything we observe is instantly filtered through thousands of belief's, judgment's and biases we have built up. Some of us have more layers than others, but we all have them. These layers of belief's, judgment's and biases distort what we are observing. Once you truly get this, you realize most people are not able to see you. They only see their distorted perception of you. If you had recently purchased a beautiful painting, you wouldn't ask your blind friend if they liked it. That would be silly. In a sense, that is what we are doing by seeking validation from others. They can't see you, so in needing or seeking this you will continually be disappointed or upset. 

that's true. is there any book/video etc. which helped with that "realisation" ?