Why do I keep fooling myself?

[SS10]

I feel like I am in a constant cycle of misery, then hope, then despair. The cycle seems to be repeating forever. I feel like I have so much potential, but I am always getting in my way of achieving it. I am an attractive young man with good genetics but seem to be lacking in self worth, and that I am not good enough just as I am. I tell myself I will start dating when I get a car or when I get X. But my vicious gambling cycle prevents me from achieving the material aims I feel I need to start dating. I know I can be relatively successful in the dating market without any material things such as a car or my own place but I want to be in a financially secure position before I start dating. I want to present myself to be the best way possible before I start dating, I feel as if relationships and dating should be for people who have their life together.

Right now, what is causing a lot of my negative emotion is the lack of connection not only with females, but even with people generally. I have a relatively okay relationship with my family, but I feel as if the deeply misunderstand me, heck, I dont even understand myself. I also am quite a 'lone wolf' and introverted so I dont really have many friends, and plus the 'friends' that I do have are wasting their lives to so just connecting with them will be worse for me. 

My vicious gambling cycle is preventing me from achieving my material aims. thus preventing me from expressing myself In the way I want to, which is preventing my from dating in the way I want to. I some how keep falling over the same hurdles I promised myself I wouldn't fall over again. 

I have tried gambling therapy, normal therapy, read self help books but nothing seems to help. I dont feel suicidal or anything but the suffering is a lot.

I just lack the feeling of stability and the feeling of being grounded, I feel like I am always fighting with reality, even though I know that you can never win a fight against reality. 

I just want to feel connected, stable and at peace, why is it so hard?

 

[yetineti]

33 minutes ago, SS10 said:why is it so hard?

why is it so hard?

Because you imagine it to be so; and that’s the game we play.

Do not confuse imagination with the unreal, though.

I am sure what you’re going through is quite real and hard - but the only way out is to begin constructing your narrative as something a bit more loving and practical.

Imagine you’re a salesmen and you have to sell your life to your self, in the state it’s in. 

Would you pitch it as ‘constant cycle of misery’ or ‘invigorating process of redemption.’

If you won’t ‘buy’ yourself, who will?

Im glad your not suicidal. I’m glad you sound like you want to work towards more. 
 

This is just one way to do so. Change your narrative; imagine it better.

Do not fantasize. Imagine it better.

[SeaMonster]

There's some trigger that causes you to (I assume) go on a gambling site and gamble.  Maybe in that moment you're hungry or tired or lonely.  If you're lonely, socializing or dating is actually a way to break the gambling habit.  So you shouldn't worry about being "good enough" to date, you should think of it as a way to get your mind right, as a way to meet your needs.

Edited January 30, 2022 by SeaMonster

[Leo Gura]

You need to find a replacement career for the gambling.

And as far as friends and dating goes, start going out and approach girls. You will also make guy friends in the process. This will kill two birds with one stone.

Girls will sleep with you regardless of you career.

Nothing can be achieved in life without discipline.

[Shiva99]

Do you meditate?

[SS10]

On 27/01/2022 at 8:06 PM, mw711 said:

Because you imagine it to be so; and that’s the game we play.

Do not confuse imagination with the unreal, though.

I am sure what you’re going through is quite real and hard - but the only way out is to begin constructing your narrative as something a bit more loving and practical.

Imagine you’re a salesmen and you have to sell your life to your self, in the state it’s in. 

Would you pitch it as ‘constant cycle of misery’ or ‘invigorating process of redemption.’

If you won’t ‘buy’ yourself, who will?

Im glad your not suicidal. I’m glad you sound like you want to work towards more. 
 

This is just one way to do so. Change your narrative; imagine it better.

Do not fantasize. Imagine it better.

@mw711 'Would you pitch it as ‘constant cycle of misery’ or ‘invigorating process of redemption.’ This changed my perspective, In like this.

[SS10]

18 hours ago, SeaMonster said:

There's some trigger that causes you to (I assume) go on a gambling site and gamble.  Maybe in that moment you're hungry or tired or lonely.  If you're lonely, socializing or dating is actually a way to break the gambling habit.  So you shouldn't worry about being "good enough" to date, you should think of it as a way to get your mind right, as a way to meet your needs.

@SeaMonster Most certainly caused by loneliness. Gambling just filled that 'whole' I think. The ups, the downs. The wins, the Losses. The thrill, the feeling of regret, the feeling of joy. The fantasizing of what I would do If I won a bunch of money, the comeback from being down. The rollercoaster of emotions is what I think I was/am drawn to.

[SS10]

18 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You need to find a replacement career for the gambling.

And as far as friends and dating goes, start going out and approach girls. You will also make guy friends in the process. This will kill two birds with one stone.

Girls will sleep with you regardless of you career.

Nothing can be achieved in life without discipline.

@Leo Gura What do you mean by 'A replacement career for Gambling'?

I have a quite a decent career to be honest, with quite a stage green company. I am also a philosophy student part time, and earn roughly £30,000 a year after tax at 22. But dont have any savings due to my gambling problem. I have put in the necessary steps to stop gambling such as self exclusion, contacting my bank to decline gambling transactions and currently in gambling therapy. I actually think I earn too much money to be responsible with it.

The way gambling is effecting my finances, self worth and mental health is preventing me from dating. I do want to date, Right now I am broke af, and have so little self worth right now that dating/approaching girls isn't a possibility for me,

When I am confident I actually am quite good with talking to girls but rn lol I wouldn't even know what to say...

[SS10]

9 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

Do you meditate?

@shiva99 I used to quite a bit. Not anymore these days, something I should start again really. I think I just need a brain reset, it may be time to do some mushrooms.

[Shiva99]

12 hours ago, SS10 said:

@shiva99 I used to quite a bit. Not anymore these days, something I should start again really. I think I just need a brain reset, it may be time to do some mushrooms.

Might wanna start again friend.

[Nahm]

On 1/27/2022 at 2:23 PM, SS10 said:

I just want to feel connected, stable and at peace, why is it so hard?

In short, believing thoughts. Especially self referential thoughts. 

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I feel like I am in a constant cycle of misery, then hope, then despair. The cycle seems to be repeating forever. I feel like I have so much potential, but I am always getting in my way of achieving it. I am an attractive young man with good genetics but seem to be lacking in self worth, and that I am not good enough just as I am. I tell myself I will start dating when I get a car or when I get X. But my vicious gambling cycle prevents me from achieving the material aims I feel I need to start dating. I know I can be relatively successful in the dating market without any material things such as a car or my own place but I want to be in a financially secure position before I start dating. I want to present myself to be the best way possible before I start dating, I feel as if relationships and dating should be for people who have their life together.

There’s kind of two ways you can go with this self referential thinking. One is that it’s “nahm’s bullshit” more or less, and continue seeking something that will remedy the ‘problem’. The other is actually inspecting the thoughts to come to the realization that there is never that “you” which thought implies there is. But naturally, going route two means understanding emotions instead of continuing to conceptualize (yourself). 

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Right now, what is causing a lot of my negative emotion is the lack of connection not only with females, but even with people generally. I have a relatively okay relationship with my family, but I feel as if the deeply misunderstand me, heck, I dont even understand myself. I also am quite a 'lone wolf' and introverted so I dont really have many friends, and plus the 'friends' that I do have are wasting their lives to so just connecting with them will be worse for me. 

Inherently therein, because of how it feels, you’d no longer be able to, nor desire to uphold, judgment. 

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My vicious gambling cycle is preventing me from achieving my material aims.

Thought attachment makes it seem like there actually are those two of you. But the ‘resolve’, or truth, is that this are thoughts about a self, which there isn’t. 

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thus preventing me from expressing myself In the way I want to, which is preventing my from dating in the way I want to. I some how keep falling over the same hurdles I promised myself I wouldn't fall over again. 

Notice, of course, there’s no actual “hurdles”, anymore than there is that “you” which the thoughts are about. For instant clarity (possibly), use the finger and try to literally point to who these thoughts are about (seem to be about). 

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I have tried gambling therapy, normal therapy, read self help books but nothing seems to help. I dont feel suicidal or anything but the suffering is a lot.

Meditation, letting thought come & go, no longer believing thoughts about the separate self, ‘works’, because without these beliefs there is no possibility of continuing ‘the loop’. 

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I just lack the feeling of stability and the feeling of being grounded, I feel like I am always fighting with reality, even though I know that you can never win a fight against reality. 

Nobody’s lacking feeling, stability isn’t (‘a’) feeling, it’s a concept… that’s a (kinda hardcore) self conceptualization. It’s a learned way of thinking which is unnatural (discord is felt). ‘I feel like I am always fighting’ is not an emotion, but is self conceptualization. Express, acknowledge, honor, and understand the emotions you are actually experiencing, no longer isolate yourself via conceptualizing.  

Improv Writing doesn’t ‘allow you to go there’ (doubt), and stands to change ‘your’ entire life and experience. That’s probably the single best exercise, combined with understanding doubt is an emotion, and doubt isn’t ‘about you’, but is guidance in regard to the thoughts (self referential beliefs) repeatedly focused on. 

Most relevantly perhaps, even the potentiality that you are, is being conceptualized, as ‘my potential’. That of course is going to feel quite discordant to, the very potentiality you actually are. ? 

Grounding.

But don’t just look at the grounding, look at those prior to it and after it. Connect the dots. Overall ‘move’ is from conceptualizing yourself, to expressing-feeling yourself, so to speak. Much love! (Already!!!)

Meditation is a nice breaking from focusing on thoughts. Mushrooms are a nice break from focusing on thoughts. Emptying of discord does naturally follow. This is ‘undone’ however when thought is again believed, and the identity therein which is weaved is also believed. Then meditation and mushrooms are dropped. To not ‘drop’, express. 

There isn’t even that ‘myself’ being ‘fooled’. That’s also a self referential thought. 

[Kksd74628]

@SS10

Don't wait for perfect moment, because there will never be one without you first making one. Life is like ocean you have to constantly dive into and realize that you can't drown. Starting dating, meditating and inner work RIGHT NOW is the only way to get you to actually make anything happen. I gave you possibility NOW and I hope you catch it, because otherwise you have to wait for second train and anyways you would sooner or later either to jump in or under the train.

( Don't take this stupidly as message to harm yourself, but just as analogy )

You decide your own game rules so why would you put excess limitations to yourself for example relationships and dating should be for people who have their life together. If you really think that people have their life completely together when they build realtionships then why there is so much violence, cheating and other issues. Thing is that almost no one is "ready" for relationships, but think relationship as thing that makes you shine your personality and if that relationship ends not working at least you have one more experience, increased knowledge of yourself and you took an action.

You can live a life 3 ways either you don't have anything, but you are so happy just to BE so it does not matter ( Monk or spiritual style ), you have everything you want and you are happy therefore ( Actually same thing as the first one, but lets label this as success style anyways ) or you can have nothing and need everything and that is not style so to speak, but just suffering, hell, dissaster, pain etc.

Hell and heaven are just labels to this place you are currently living in and you decide how you would like to describe your home. Only way to BE truly happy is to enjoy BEING. Either you like the game you play or not and that does not change the fact that you play it anyways. Ask yourself RIGHT NOW why would you want that suffering and only when you come to the conclusion that you actually don't want then ask when you are going to take action and as long as you don't answer RIGHT NOW then ask again do you want to suffer. There is no another way.

You cannot be saved you are already infected by extreme vibes, happiness, acceptance, love, joyfulness, badass attitude, confidence and noticing that I accidentally sent you. SooooooRRY, my love <3