How I Fucked Up My Life With Smoking Weed

[aidschism]

Hi everyone,

I appreciate the content from actualized.org. I think this is the perfect place to write my issue down. Its the first time I talk about it.
Any advice is appreciated. I am sorry in advance for my bad english.

I am 30 years old and I smoked weed for the last ten years of my life on a daily basis. Every day, the whole day. The first thing I did when I woke up was hitting it, the last thing before going to sleep was hitting it. There was nearly no activity that I did sober. Every day, for like ten years.

The problem is though, that I really didn't do anything else besides smoking the herb. It went so far, that I invested all the money I had in weed. Sometimes I was 3 months late on rent. When I only got 20 bugs in my pocket I would buy weed for 15 bugs and food only for the rest of the money. My fridge was empty the whole time, I ate shit, got fat, felt like shit. I lived in my student residence  alone and in dirt. Like a pathetic like fuck. This weed habit isolated me from family and former friends. I nearly lost everybody in my life who could help me get my shit together.
I just consumed pot, unaware of anything that was going on around me. I smoked while I was in college, every day, the whole day - Even between classes.

The real problems beginn now:
I was literally stoned the whole time. So I could not follow the stuff in college. I could not make any friends because of anxiety and panic attacks that I got from smoking weed on this regular basis. Everytime I wanted to talk to somebody in college I just weireded them out because of my unability to be calm. I was a nervous wreck. Nearly nobody wanted to talk to me. Which, as you can image, just got me to smoking more cannabis. Maybe to distract myself from my failed existence.

I even think that I got some mental drawbacks from this, because smoking weed is really a big stagnation: While you are stoned, you are not able to do anything productive: Not learning, not talking, not meeting new people, not having fun. Just this fucked up paranoia that holds you back from anything valueble. I was basically alone the whole time. I didnt even play some stupid online games with other people because i wasnt able to communicate with others - Nor was I able to create a bond, or a friedship, with others.

It was hell.

I hated myself and I killed this feeling of self pitty with even more smoking, the perfect vicious cycle was created. This cycle fueled my numb mind.

I was desperate, I could not learn anything in college because my mind was so fucking numb. For example: I could sit at my desk, smoke one blunt after another and couldn't even remember the stuff I just read. The work I delivered was sloppy and below average.
Everybody thought that I would just give a fuck about anything and anyone.  So i was just alone. Alone with my fucked up mind and with no motivation and no power to change something.

I was devasted and didnt even really knew why. So i decided to switch college and move to another town to continue there. The fucked up part is: I basically lost those 4 years of my life, got no graduation out of this college, left with zero connections in one of the biggest german citys - but with an ass full of student loan debt. this was the secont time i switched college. but the reason was the same as the first time.

Long Story short:  I graduated in my third college. Back then I was still a fucked up pothead. It was so hard for me to graduate that today I can't even comprehend how I did it. My Graduate-Work is shitty, but that doesnt matter right now. Right after my graduation I moved again to another town. I wanted to get as far away as possible.
So in my new town (where I am right now) I didn't get any contacts to any local dealers. this was one of my best decisions so far. I simply cant and will not buy weed no more.

Now I am sober for 2 months. I have never been so sober and clear in my entire life. it feels good. But there comes a mayor problem with it.

My health is getting better, I am able to communicate again on a normal level without freaking somebody out, which is nice. The first weeks without any weed were clearly hell. But beeing in a new town without nowing where to buy some really helped me.

So I basically woke up. I see the world with completly new eyes and I feel fucking ashamed that i wasted so much of my time. Sometimes I just want to cry, because the shit I rode myself into is just too overwhelming:
I am on welfare right now. I cant find a job.
Because of my lacking skills in my industrie, because of my lacking social skills. Because of my lacking connections. I feel like I am a worthless piece of junk once again. But I am sober and I dont ever want to start smoking again. (But if I would start again I wouldn be thinking about this, which would be nice, lol)

Its basically the realisation that i fucked up my own life that depresses me. This realization, or call it awareness, of this problem is so overwhelming that it just numbs me. when I start to think about my past I just want to scream and hit a wall. I hate myself for my dumb decissions I made.

Because of my lost time, because my lacking hard and soft skills, because of my shitts graduate work I cant find a job. I just dont know what to do. This all seems so fucking huge and big that i don't know where to start.


TL;DR:
> smoked weed my whole adult life
> was too stoned to learn anything in college. stayed dumb and without skills.
> had massive anxiety attacks due to weed and couldn't make connections. basically alone.
> graduated with a shitty graduate-work. (dont graduate stoned)
> moved to another city and got the fist time sober and clear minded (best devision so far)
> on welfare right now
> cant find a job because of lacking skills and lackings connections. see above.
> dont now what to do

 

Edited January 9, 2017 by aidschism
grammar and spelling

[SFRL]

You will need a job. If I was in your position I would look into being a flight attendant or work on a cruiseship. Decent money and lots of travel. These are also highly social jobs but hey rise to the occasion. Also you don't necesairly need an education in those fields to get the job. The company will train you for that job. 

Or get certified as a personal trainer. You can do that online in like two months. And meanwhile hit the gym. Your body probably needs better taken care after. 

And on the upside you are 30 and reborn now buddy. You fucked up your life so far, so did and will a lot of other people. Going into your 30s and 40s wait for the waves of divorces, burnouts, and midlife crisis among your peers for a level playing field?. (Dark humor)

 

Edited January 9, 2017 by STC

[Damien]

@aidschism You said you don't know where to start.

What about you go to all highs schools/university/social center in your area and tell your story? This would definitely allow you to capitalize on your experience and help others. Just hearing your story at the right time could easily save some kids from going down that path.

I think that helping others is the best way to help yourself.

I am sure that would help you go in the right direction and who knows, if you like it it could become your job. 

Much love

 

[Safari Celeste]

Hey, man, I understand and relate to what you've experienced. I smoked weed every day all day for three years. I didn't realize how badly it was affecting me until I started taking supplements for my cognitive function. As soon as I started taking the supplements, it made it so every time I smoked weed, I got ten-times higher and ten-times more anxious and paranoid. It became as if every time I smoked weed, I was tripping balls. It made me more aware of how marijuana had altered my life the entire time I'd been smoking it:

My social anxiety was unbearable. I kept trying to convince myself that if I just smoked a little less, it would be okay. I made many excuses over smoking weed. I used it as a distraction from my problems and it interfered with every part of my life. I commemorate you for going sober because I know it isn't easy. Marijuana may not be psychically addictive, but you develop an emotional and psychological dependency on being high. The biggest struggle of going sober for me was the social connections I'd established because of smoking marijuana, so it's good you are in a new environment away from your old toxic connections. I would suggest you don't ever again associate with people who smoke weed and make excuses for it; it's too easy to fall back into the same habits.

I know someone who smokes weed every day will read this thread and scoff. Some people will read this and think marijuana is awful--The Devil's Lettuce. Not everyone is affected by marijuana the same way, but more so, most people who smoke every day are deluded by making excuses for the way marijuana makes them feel. There is no way that pot heads are more productive than sober people, but it's true that some people need marijuana as a medicine. It's ironic; there is a balance to everything. Marijuana can help people, but you have to know when it stops helping and starts inhibiting. This line is what makes excessive weed use easy to ignore and make excuses for.

I like the suggestion to get a job that drug tests because it will assure that you don't revive your old smoking habits. Go to the gym every day instead of getting high. Replace temptation with self-discipline. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I don't think by any means that you've fucked up your life. So you went down the wrong path for a while. So what? You graduated! You have direction! It's okay that everything isn't perfect right now; you have to be sympathetic with who you used to be or else you won't find peace in the future. You are just as capable as anyone else. Don't be ungrateful for what you have. You're alive and able--why make yourself miserable? You can do whatever you sent your mind out to do with the right research and conviction to act accordingly. You got this. Congratulations. 

 

[Thomas Taschler]

@aidschism Don't worry about the stuff you did up to now. (Unless you got some really bad rep from police or something like that)
You can start now. Take one of the first jobs you find. Save the money, build up knowledge and a nice appearance
(+ use internet sources to educate yourself as much as possible - Wikipedia, Khan Academy, Youtube, etc..)
Seek out a better paid job, repeat

This is how I got from a meat factory production line job to a director position in 4 years

It's hard work, but if you stay focused for some years (3 or 4) you will see the outcomes "soon"  

Edited January 12, 2017 by Thomas Taschler

[Alex4]

come on your young your not 80!

KEEP STRONG AND DONT FALL

[faith]

I don't think you fucked up your life. Everything happens for a reason, and the universe has a funny way of laying the path for us no matter where we go. I think you're thinking that you fucked up your life, and it hurts to think about how much time you wasted. So I think you should acknowledge this pain through meditation, if you don't accept and forgive this pain, it will follow you for the rest of your life. Don't be scared to face the pain. I think it's much more scarier to live the rest of your life without becoming friends with this pain. Good luck, my german friend

[MIARIVEL]

@aidschism Here are some quick tips for you:

* Forget about the past and leave it there, its gone its over. If anything, learn from your past mistakes and move forward - no looking back. 

* Start brainstorming the things you want to work on and achieve. For e.g I want to be able to make new friends, I want to get a good job I love, I want a girlfriend, I want to be really healthy etc. Brainstorm all those ideas. 

* Under subheadings I want you to break things down into smaller goals/ideas and give yourself a time frame. For example. I want to get healthy and have lots of energy.

- Get educated on the right foods I should be eating - This week 

- Find some recipes and make weekly meal plan / shopping list. Next week

- Make a weekly gym / fitness plan or perhaps join a sport. - The week after

- Explore meditation

You can do this with every section of your life and break things down into small goals. 

* Make a decision to go out there and be the best possible version of yourself from this day forward, and everything you dedicate yourself too, give it 110% of your efforts. Don't give 50% or 90% give it everything you have because you have what it takes to have, do and be anything you want.

 

I used to drink and smoke a lot and I used to eat whatever I wanted when I wanted, I was un-educated and didn't care too much about anything when I was younger till I decided I wanted a better life for myself. I was hoping one day I would be fit and healthy and meet the man of my dreams and settle down and have my own business. I dreamed of that type of life for so long and for so long I played the victim and refused to let go of my past behaviours and actions. You  need to leave the past where it is, stop feeling sorry for yourself wishing you did things differently. 

Start making a decision from today onwards you will be a better person because of your past and you will start taking action in the direction of where you want to be in life. I changed the way I thought about things and my life, I went to classes to help me with confidence and speech, I did a degree in psychology and law (6years), I forced myself to put myself out there and not care what other think (you will always have someone who doesn't agree with you or is jealous or doesn't support you) thats life and don't be discouraged from others people's crap because thats all it is - crap. What's important is the story you tell yourself in your own head, the only opinion that matters is yours in the end and how you perceive things. 

At 30 years old now, I have everything I could possibly want. I am not rich, nor do I own several properties around the world like I want, I don't have the luxury of travelling the world or even anywhere near as close as well known as Leo Gura. But I am continuing to learn, I surround myself with the right people, I learn from things that don't work, I let people go who I don't find value in, I have a roof over my head and I can afford food and clothes. I am greatful for what I have and do what I can with the resources I have to keep pushing foward to where I want to be. 

[jackofalltrades]

I know how this feels. It is really hard to give up smoking. I had tried twice, but am still a smoker. Good news is I don't smoke so heavy as before. Before my second attempt to stop smoking, I even roll my cigarettes with an electric cigarette rolling machine.

[Gabriel Antonio]

Wow, that was deep.

[outlandish]

Good job quitting weed! Luckily it was just weed that you got into and not something harder and more addictive like opioids, meth or alcohol. Any of those drugs would have been much more destructive and difficult to quit. 

You're already most of the way there, you've done all of the really hard decisions and actions already. Stick with it and keep making the good decisions one day at a time.

You're actually doing really well, you're sober, you've somehow come out of your 20s with a graduate (or undergrad?) degree, which is a lot more than many people have to show for their 20s. It's impressive that you woke up and made the changes you needed to. That is very inspiring, for real.

Don't worry about your wasted time; that's all in the past now, and you've learned from your mistakes. You have TONS of time in your future. You've only spent about a decade of your adult life, you probably have at least 5 or 6 more decades. A very long life ahead of you, especially if you continue to live a healthier and healthier lifestyle.

Just keep taking positive steps forward every day. Good job on waking up to your reality, and deciding to do something about it. 

You can be thankful that you live in a society that cares for you and is supporting you with social security. Try to use this to bootstrap your life, find any shit job to get yourself started again in life, you will be more proud of your money and yourself. Work your way up.

You're actually doing awesome right now. Keep going!

[Aeris]

22 minutes ago, outlandish said:

Good job quitting weed! Luckily it was just weed that you got into and not something harder and more addictive like opioids, meth or alcohol. Any of those drugs would have been much more destructive and difficult to quit. 

You're already most of the way there, you've done all of the really hard decisions and actions already. Stick with it and keep making the good decisions one day at a time.

You're actually doing really well, you're sober, you've somehow come out of your 20s with a graduate (or undergrad?) degree, which is a lot more than many people have to show for their 20s. It's impressive that you woke up and made the changes you needed to. That is very inspiring, for real.

Don't worry about your wasted time; that's all in the past now, and you've learned from your mistakes. You have TONS of time in your future. You've only spent about a decade of your adult life, you probably have at least 5 or 6 more decades. A very long life ahead of you, especially if you continue to live a healthier and healthier lifestyle.

Just keep taking positive steps forward every day. Good job on waking up to your reality, and deciding to do something about it. 

You can be thankful that you live in a society that cares for you and is supporting you with social security. Try to use this to bootstrap your life, find any shit job to get yourself started again in life, you will be more proud of your money and yourself. Work your way up.

You're actually doing awesome right now. Keep going!

that's an incredible answer, I wish to know where op is now in his life

[outlandish]

Oh wow I didn't realize this was such an ancient post. I wonder too @Aeris

[Arcangelo]

He prolly relapsed. If he wouldn't, he would have come back and thank for the support and try to drag strength from your support guys.