serious family issues - need advice

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

So for most of my adult life i had issues with my family which consists of 2 russian parents and a sister.
i remember that i never enjoyed their company as i child but was always complacent to them so we wont get into an argument.
my parents are both very closed minded, old schools type of folks, stage red-blue, patriots, communists, believe in conspiracies... 
they left USSR about 30 years ago and got to israel, which is where me and my sister were born. 
im very different from them and so we barely find any "common ground" to stand on. 
they never made any effort to experience and enjoy the new culture and people. my father especially - no circle of friends, he actively hates the culture and people here and is just addicted to criticizing everything and believing his culture was the best in everything. like super neurotically nostalgic about this period in his life. 

anyways, i figuers a long time ago they are not the type of people ill have a nice, loving and intelligent conversation with - ever. 

i left the home and started living on my own for a few years now. and its just great. being away from them allows me to actually work on my self and not get into annoying conversations with them and waste my time going in neurotic circles with them. 

I didnt cut contact with them - we just see each other once a week or so. 
BUT they are nagging me like crazy to do every small thing for them. like call the bank, download apps for them, fix their internet issues, do lots of beurocratic paper work for them, buy things for them online, bring them things from the store, call the phone/water/internet/electricity company to pay all their bills because they cant handle it on their own.. 
it always was like that, they didnt develop any life skills or learned the hebrew language properly to feel confident and self reliant because they were so closed off to the culture here... and now they barely know how to handle basic adult shit in their life and they just put it all on my like i dont have life and issues of my own..
its driving me NUTS - like every day or so  they have new demands for me... when i get angry at them and tell them to try and do things by themselves they call me egoistic and rude and just hang up. 

now im not saying its only one way, they also help me and i appreciate that: they do give me some money when i need and they gave me their car to use from time to time. i also help them when they get more complicated problems in their life that i know are too hard for them to handle by themselves - but when they start nagging me with every small problem in their life its driving me carzy - they live in this country 30 years and still cant make a damn phone call to the bank? c'mon....
 

they are not too old, not senile, just scared little babies that are not willing to let go of their past and live in the present. 
which is why they havnt developed any self reliance - they are too busy hating everything and everyone to learn to be a part of a new culture. 

im wondering what should i do in this situation? i dont think its my problem they havnt developed any skills and cant get their shit together by themselves but i also dont want to just ditch them... i mean yeah theyre not the best parents around but they are also helping me out sometimes.

any advice or wisdom would be appreciated 
 

 

[puporing]

Yeah.. my parents are/were like this plus other issues. It's definitely not on you to 'take care of them' in this way and it seems like it is hindering your development. It's not okay that they treat you like this, they're the adults and you're supposed to get to be nurtured by them, not the other way around! So get that straight in your head first (this will take some time if you've been guilted life long, took me years to understand what they were doing and to get over the false guilt part). Many parents like this will gaslight you into thinking you owe them shit because they fed/clothed you and constantly hold you responsible, you are not! Anything you do for them is a bonus/out of love and if they can't see it that way, that's on them and their perception of reality.

You will probably need to make some boundaries (which they will not like and throw all kinds of guilt tactics, just be ready for that..), and make explicit to them that you need space to live your life and cannot be around so much to take care of them. That it is important that you get to be independent of them. Don't buy the guilt-tripping, this is all just perpetuating their dependence on you (and you're the child too for god's sake!). 

The other aspect is to become financially independent. Because unfortunately whenever you are accepting their help, it gives them the power back.. at least in the beginning this is pretty important, to make clear that you will not accept help in exchange for this behavior/dependence. Also my parents had a tendency to make me dependent on them as well, so watch out for that one, like trying to stop me from moving away, not letting me explore careers, always dangling some money to 'buy me back', etc.

For me it wasn't so straightforward as my parents were also very authoritarian/threatening, so I had to slowly come out and say these things.  

Edited January 27, 2022 by puporing

[NoN-RaTiOnAL]

thank you
its making me feel less bad... its hard to set boundries at first but as time passes i get to do that with more and more integrity. i also become more financialy independent over time and so money loses its power over me.  

[puporing]

@NoN-RaTiOnAL Yes there can be a lot of guilt initially, maybe feel isolated too if you don't know anyone else going through that. Most people try to tell you to 'go back to your parents' but they may not value independence so much and are okay with the status quo. Sounds like you're on the right track!