Surrendering to the Ox

[John Paul]

I just put in my two weeks notice for quitting my job. My piano practice is my whole life. I'm dedicating myself to my mom's basement for at least a few thousand hours of piano practice (probably 2-3 or even more years). This was a counter-intuitive move but I think it is strangely the most powerful option. Just staying with my mom and playing piano... seems ridiculous in my survival mind.  I don't want to lean on my mom, even though I'm blessed that I can. I will be earning zero dollars and I haven't really built the bank yet so my plan is to work again when I run out of money but to work around my piano practice instead of practicing around work like a normie would (epic fail, get your priorities straight if you have a decent mom lol.) I'm going to become a professional musician, I know I can do it if I want it. 

I'm telling myself that when the time is right I'll move to a big city and that will be the most exciting move ever, and I'll be playing with way cooler bands, and have way cooler friends.... the reality is that i don't really know if that is something I'm going to do, or where. And the reality is that for me, two-four years at home is like a lifetime. I feel like I am about to sacrifice myself. I'm also going to take the time to just grind out heavy metals detox protocols and not eat out very much. And really weed out "friends" for people that are more or less valuable (wingmen, friends with vision/who do personal development, and music friends). So I'm telling myself that I'm willing to go all out here. I'll be doing some day-game and nightclub game to bust limiting beliefs including getting laid as an unemployed adult living at home. I've been laid before but I'm not happy with my sex life or life in general but that's about to change. More updates to come. 

I have this strange feeling like I'm just beginning my work and yet this is somehow the end of what was for a long time a part of me/my life. Like the part of me that is too afraid to show that I'm trying and want to succeed because of getting emotionally abused by my dad..same demon that gave me problems with teachers and school and authority. And other issues coming from my mother and youth experiences related to boundaries and people-pleasing/conforming for friends.... It's like I'm just starting the work and that's all it really takes for the good life, I can see this now... but in order to do that I have to be humble, stay at my mom's house, and let all of my demon's eat themselves. I mean just the idea of having a practice for hours every day...that level of commitment is totally not "me".. so that "me" has to go bye-bye. At some point when my health is more consistent I'll get some mushrooms into my system again and I hope that they will really get me to and even through this next level. 

Good luck to me! Thanks for reading

 

[John Paul]

Dude.....for my birthday I was invited to go to the club in town with an old friend and his sisters (a second birthday), girlfriend, and friends (later). I was all dressed up for the first time in a while..a lot of times I've gone out and not even dressed up, just kinda eh whatever. But I"m like alright sober game let's get it right. 

So it's going how I'd expect: his sister's are not socially calibrated especially the birthday girl and my friend has more energy than me but he has a girlfriend so he's like a half wing. We start at this game room/bar and eat food blah blah then we get to the club and it's still early

I do some approaches, some decent but quickly run out of things to say. Some straight up weak and instantly got blown out. And then it goes down lol. I'm looking at the bottle on the tabel and I telll him: I'm just gonna go for it. I know I'm tired from work and don't believe that my state will change the way Leo says. I start drinking vodka and redbull. I make friends with some tourists. Next thing you know I sold my flower lei for 100$ and then traded it back for some cocaine.... I end up making out with this bigger (little chubby, little tall) white girl. I don't really care because I'm so horny now that I'm attracted. We naturally split, no questions asked. Now I'm in state. I end up pulling this cute little blondie through the closed mall near the club to my car and fucking her in the car lol. Really great...the only thing is i did drugs! (i include alcohold and caffein as drugs too)....I'm so stoked that I pulled and felt like a stud teenager again and fucked her in the car. And she was great too I liked her personality and all and I think she liked mine. But i feel the effects on my body are more than just missing sleep and I'm concerned about night game if I can't control those old ways..... 

I think it'd help (to begin with obviously) to have solid and soberish wings but at the ened of the day it was literally a semi-conscious choice to get high in order to just send it harder....

Back at em, today's another day. Thanks for reading.