I Loved You To Death

[ivankiss]

Yesterday, five years ago, was one of the most significant days of my life. 

Lisbon, Portugal

I arrived to the airport, last minute. I see you walking through the crowd... and the earth stops spinning. I cannot believe my eyes... You are more beautiful than I could've ever imagined. Everything I have ever dreamed of.

There is no doubt in my mind. You are the love of my life. You are the one I was searching for all along.

I will never forget that first hug, that first kiss... It was pure fantasy. A movie. I was finally holding you, after what seemed like lifetimes of separation. It felt so familiar, even though it was for the very first time.

It was just so right.

I finally felt whole. I finally felt like I had it all.

Like nothing was ever missing. Like nothing could ever go missing again.

Perhaps for the very first time in my life, I felt home. 

You filled a void so massive within me... even I wasn't aware of it fully. I was hopelessly and blindly in love with you before you even flew in to Portugal. Before I ever saw you, before our lips ever connected... Before I ever even knew you.

I already painted a perfect picture of an idealized lover... of my soulmate...

And I believed you were it.

I truly did.

What can I say...? You played the role very well. Like it was written just for you. I could always kinda sense something off in the background, but I never really allowed myself to truly see. Never until now that you're gone, D.

Now I see clearly...

It was all an act. All fake.

I could never put my finger exactly on what was off... but now I know. You were simply never real. Honest, genuine, true or authentic... None of that.

You were a living, breathing, walking lie.

And so was I, while I was with you.

I was lying to myself on a daily basis. I told every lie I could come up with to myself... just so I could keep my eyes shut to all the bullshit that was actually going on.. Just so I could keep believing in my little fairytale.

I was just as delusional as you were, if not more.

But the difference between me and you, is that I never wanted to fuck you over, or hurt you or anything like that. I honestly just wanted to dream a life with you, D. That's all I ever wanted. I wanted to love you, so bad. I had all this love to give...

I needed you to be the one, so bad...

Was I healthy enough to be in a place where I could receive that kind of love and beauty? Hell no. But my intentions were pure, for sure.

That's the difference, D.

Because everything you did from day one was nothing but playing, deceiving, manipulating, lying and cheating. No matter how much I wanted it to be real, it never was. It was a cheap knock off of the real thing. And even though I always knew that, somewhere deep down, I just couldn't not admit it to myself. I could not walk away before my world was completely shattered. Before I was totally devastated, humiliated and reduced to a size of a grain of sand... Before I was gone.

I would eat all the bullshit of this world, just to be by your side, D. Just to make it work. And the longer I stood, the more pathetic, weak and dead inside I was becoming. You sucked the life out of me. I no longer felt genuine joy and happiness and peace... everything was always masked by all that toxicity. I could no longer fly high. I sold my wings to walk through hell by your side.

I honestly thought I could save you, D.

I may have been a naive fool, but my heart was wide open and pulsing with love. No matter how stupid I was, that I am proud of.

I stood for what I believed love was.

I stood for it while staring in the face of my greatest fears. In the face of starvation, homelessness, isolation... I gave up everything I had for this love. I moved to the other side of the globe for it. I messed with the law and nearly lost my freedom for it. I went in debt for it. I cut off friends and family for it. I put aside my deepest passions for it. I put myself aside. 

I was so desperate it was ugly to watch.

I honestly believed we killed something sacred and that our story is yet another tragedy... A love that was prevented from fully blossoming... But that's not really the case. What we had, was not what I believed we had. What I lost, is not what I believed I lost. You are not who I believed you to be.

You are simply not her. You are not the one.
You never were. You just played along, while it served your agenda. Until you got tired of pretending and acting. Until the mask started slipping.

It must have been exhausting for you, too. I honestly admire some of your qualities. Even though it's hella difficult to distinguish who you actually are from who you pretended to be... All that mirroring and enmashment... My perception was heavily distorted. It still is, to some extent.
But I can tell us apart now. I recognize all this crap in me, that's not really mine, that I picked up during our relationship. I worked my way through tons of it, already. Feeling more and more me.

It's been a bit over a year since I cut contact, and you still wander in my mind... I still have dreams, nightmares, even...
Still dealing with the trauma, the cognitive dissonance, triggers, all that jazz. But I'm recovering fast, and it's for real. I'm not trying to run away from it or suppress it. I'm not trying to act like it wasn't a big deal. And that's good. 

Thankfully I came across the right information and slowly but surely, everything fell into its place. It was all clear. I understood the psychology of it. I understood the dynamic. I understood personality disorders and codependece. I understood CPTSD.

But, understanding is only half of the healing journey. I'm still not 100% recovered. I need some more time and space for myself. I need to think, re-think, overthink, revisit, relive, feel, shake, cry, laugh... I need a bit more of all that. I need to grieve a bit longer. Even though I'm grieving the one who never really existed.

It took the death of who I was to let you go. 

[gettoefl]

i feel your pain ... love teaches the harshest lessons ... and why is it we only love the people who love us back ... maybe they are faking it ... would they love us first if we didn't seem to love them ... fat chance ... cupid can deceive us at every turn ... we are suckers lapping up the wares of romantic love

[Nahm]

Oodles of love to you good sir. ?

[Vincent S]

Thank you for sharing! And I hope you get better and better.

Truth is that. By the fact that the love you thought you felt for her, was actually the thing you wanted and had the whole time you were infatuated with the illusion of her. So if it was something you felt within you, but you credited her for it: Doesn't that mean: That Love Is Still You And What You Are?
You just wanted to see and recieve it from another. You projected a dream out in the "world" and your projection became manifested and formed into a person that you could hold, grab and feel. But thats just not it, not 100%. You Want Yourself. The True You. Thats all you ever longed for.

"Love isnt in having it. Its Being Love."

Edited January 27, 2022 by Vincent S

[ivankiss]

Thanks guys. Appreciate it a lot.

It was the most intense period of my life, that's for sure. And I am beyond grateful for the experience. I mean, the amount of wisdom and depth I 'gained' simply by surviving this, is unspeakable. It feels like it lasted at least 10 years, not 4. 

It was beautiful, hideous, and everything in-between. An epic story to tell... Not so fun to live through.

In a sense, this is just me giving myself the closure, that I never really got. I was left with a million questions after the relationship ended. Lost in the endless fog. Heart-broken and half crazy.

I don't know the truth of her side of the story. And I made peace with the fact that I never will. Perhaps such truth does not even exist.

But I needed to clear things up on my side. I had to make some sense of it all. Even if that meant recognizing that it was all mostly senseless. There was no logic or reason behind it. It was stupid, irrational and irresponsible in every way. Yet it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

I know the love I felt was real. And I know I am the source of that love. It was all that noise and delusion around it that was painful.

[Vincent S]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

I know the love I felt was real. And I know I am the source of that love. It was all that noise and delusion around it that was painful.

Sometimes thats what love costs. ❤️

[Preety_India]

Love can be a tough cookie. 

[hamedsf]

that's the biggest lesson in your life going to show you to never be an emotional man in relationship ever again! 

[ivankiss]

55 minutes ago, hamedsf said:

that's the biggest lesson in your life going to show you to never be an emotional man in relationship ever again! 

I think the lesson was more about not being so desperate for someone's love, affection and validation, and not believing in silly little fairytales... Emotions are fine. 

Thanks though.

[Etherial Cat]

@ivankiss

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Someone who loves you back will constantly try its best keeping your own best interest at heart. 

Other than that, have you ever had a look at Eckhart Tolle's explanation of romantic relationships in the Power of Now? 

[ivankiss]

@Etherial Cat Thanks. And yes, I knew that even back then, but desperation was stronger. We see what we want to see...

Never dived too deep into Eckhart's teachings, might check out. Matt Kahn helped me tons regarding all that stuff. That was my go-to.

[Etherial Cat]

55 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Etherial Cat Thanks. And yes, I knew that even back then, but desperation was stronger. We see what we want to see...

I've been there too...

My biggest regret has been not take my losses at the very first warning signs. My feeling is that I've let myself down, now. 

57 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Never dived too deep into Eckhart's teachings, might check out. Matt Kahn helped me tons regarding all that stuff. That was my go-to.

I think you'll love it. Check out on Youtube. 

[ivankiss]

24 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I've been there too...

My biggest regret has been not take my losses at the very first warning signs. My feeling is that I've let myself down, now. 

Know what you mean... To me it felt like I betrayed my own soul. Though I wouldn't say I regret anything now. I'm honestly grateful for the experience, no matter how painful and twisted it was. 

I could look at it through the lens of 'I wasted so much time and energy, etc...' but I know I had to go through this. I know I'll turn all this into gold - so to speak.

Thanks again. Much love and respect.

[Etherial Cat]

29 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Know what you mean... To me it felt like I betrayed my own soul. Though I wouldn't say I regret anything now. I'm honestly grateful for the experience, no matter how painful and twisted it was. 

I could look at it through the lens of 'I wasted so much time and energy, etc...' but I know I had to go through this. I know I'll turn all this into gold - so to speak.

When I was 20, I fell in love with a guy. 

He had a car crash, and his family insisted he needed to go back to his home country. He wrote me a beautiful love letter and told me his biggest dream was to see me again, and his biggest fear was to have to live his life without me . He then disappeared totally.

I cried everyday and night for 2 years, reading his last letter to me. I was still going out and meeting other guys, but none of them had that "thing".

Years after, he reappeared and it turned out he was in fact a very lame dude, falling in love with one girl after the other.

So I get the "I wasted so much and energy, etc" thing. And for me, I didn't even get much of the positive aspect of being that relationship. It was mostly the attachment and the suffering, without the perks.

He gave me suffering, and I turned it into gold - more awareness. In no way would I have sought spirituality that fast, and seek to understand ego-love if this guy hadn't crossed my path.

29 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Thanks again. Much love and respect.

You too!

Edited February 18, 2022 by Etherial Cat

[ivankiss]

@Etherial Cat Thanks for sharing. That must have sucked, sorry you had to go through it.

Awarenes is the 'reward' indeed. Also; more space, depth, wisdom, courage, etc. At least in my case. My ability to love has only deepened. And I'm the first in line to receive it now. I feel no need to look for love in another. I'm sure it will be beautiful if and when it happens... but for now I'm totally cool with being single. Perhaps for the very first time in my life. And that's big.

Wish you the best.

[Etherial Cat]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@Etherial Cat Thanks for sharing. That must have sucked, sorry you had to go through it.

Awarenes is the 'reward' indeed. Also; more space, depth, wisdom, courage, etc. At least in my case. My ability to love has only deepened. And I'm the first in line to receive it now. I feel no need to look for love in another. I'm sure it will be beautiful if and when it happens... but for now I'm totally cool with being single. Perhaps for the very first time in my life. And that's big.

Wish you the best.

You too.  !

I wish you tons of Love on your path.

[flume]

 

[ivankiss]

@flume Nice! Here's another one, slightly darker and heavier haha:

 

[K Ghoul]

@ivankiss Here’s one more  Ultra cold

 

[ivankiss]

@K Ghoul There is some truth in what he's saying, but to me it seems like he also has quite a few unresolved issues. Does not seem like a healthy way of thinking exactly.

Thanks though.