Asexuality? or mental illness?

[Abdelghafar]

I'm a 23 year old Egyptian national and an English Teacher. In my profession, I teach adults as well as young learners. This post is going to be about the former.

I don't need to mention the sensitivity of getting laid in the middle east or within a social or professional communities. I believe that socialising and becoming an attractive leader is paramount for my personal life regardless of my circumstances.

That's why I'm writing this post. I want an outside perspective on what I'm doing now and what to do in the future. I would love to get your input, @Leo Gura.

I started working as an English Instructor for a year ago. During that time, I met a lot of women colleagues and students. I had a lot of practice with talking to women. I had a lot of pitfalls as well. They made me stronger.

Through following Leo's advice on the forum and his videos, I'm always on the journey of being a high-value leader.

My problem is not attracting women, but being attracted to them. Mostly, I hook women by my charm. They let me touch them, kiss them and tease them.

But whenever I'm with them or have the opportunity to be with them, I just don't care. I ignore them. I focus more on myself or work, but I give them no attention.

Some girls get disappointed and stop pursuing me and some keep at it, but I repel them.

I know what you're thinking. I must be gay. In fact, I am bisexual. I'm attracted to both men and women. But I still don't care about pursuing men either, even though a few gay men hit on me.

I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing. I just don't care about being in a relationship with anyone. I approach men and women for practice. But I still don't care to go into any relationship at all.

Honestly, I hate people. I hate them. I'm intolerant of them. I get bored of them easily. I get a lot of dark and evil thoughts about killing or harming them.

Is this normal? should I go to a therapist? should this be in the dating and relationships subforum or serious emotional problems forum?

Thank you. Feel free to share your thoughts.

[Abdelghafar]

@Knowledge Hoarder I agree. I should go to a professional before I kill someone. ?

Thanks.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Abdelghafar

[bejapuskas]

@Abdelghafar  I am glad you differentiate between asexuality and mental illness.  

I don't know why would it be any issue that you do not currently want to be in a relationship. It is fine, you mentioned you do not have issues attracting women, I do not know about men. I guess you are not repressed in your sexuality either, you do not seem like it. Why would you spend more time here? Do not feel pressured by this community or Leo.

Listen to yourself, reclaim your own authority.

But hating people could be an issue, talk to someone about that.

[Abdelghafar]

3 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@Abdelghafar  I am glad you differentiate between asexuality and mental illness.  

I don't know why would it be any issue that you do not currently want to be in a relationship. It is fine, you mentioned you do not have issues attracting women, I do not know about men. I guess you are not repressed in your sexuality either, you do not seem like it. Why would you spend more time here? Do not feel pressured by this community or Leo.

Listen to yourself, reclaim your own authority.

But hating people could be an issue, talk to someone about that.

Thank you for your words of advice. I appreciate it @bejapuskas. I guess I posted this here because i wanted to be heard by people whom I don't deal with in my country. Some of them may not be as open-minded. But you're right. it seems to me that I already knew the answer to to my question. I will listen to myself and be mindful.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Abdelghafar

[BlueOak]

Sexuality is only a part of a relationship and not needed for the great majority of them in life. Friends, Family, Coworkers etc.

I would look less at sexuality and more at relationships, how you relate to people, for your answers. Specifically for intimate relationships. What do you want out of them? What do you want to offer your partner in them? How do you live together, as a partnership, and what does that mean?

16 hours ago, Abdelghafar said:

I'm confused. I don't know what I'm doing. I just don't care about being in a relationship with anyone. I approach men and women for practice. But I still don't care to go into any relationship at all.

Honestly, I hate people. I hate them. I'm intolerant of them. I get bored of them easily. I get a lot of dark and evil thoughts about killing or harming them.
 

Let me try a different approach to this. Hate is normal. It happens in day to day life. Its an emotion, it comes up. Its not healthy to stay in it, because that takes work and energy to maintain hating someone. What you describe as hate you might also mean frustration, or anger, disappointment, or resentment. I see hate used a lot in the modern day to cover many other emotions. It takes time thinking about these things, and feeling them to better develop emotional intelligence to define what the feeling is. Emotions are not bad, its what we do with them and what they mean to us, the choices we make that are important.

Intolerance and Tolerance are both flawed and the same thing. Let me explain, tolerance is not love, friendship or even neutrality, its I can bear this, I can tolerate it. Its putting yourself in a position of having to put up with something or someone as a burden. Intolerance is almost the same but you are just acting on the emotion you are suppressing. Neither are meeting people where they are, or for who they are, or accepting them. Do you see what I mean? If you were completely neutral toward someone for example, you wouldn't be tolerating them, there would be no emotion or suppressed feeling there to tolerate.

Those feelings are coming from you. Ask yourself why, and then address that. It could be that person you are tolerating needs cutting from your life, and there plenty of people I feel that way about. Alternatively it could be your own issue projected onto them. 

Its not quick or easy work to go through this kind of emotional inquiry but its very rewarding for personal growth, it puts you in charge of yourself and gives you an understanding of why you and others act the way they do. So good luck and all the best.

 

Edited January 27, 2022 by BlueOak

[Lyubov]

I would talk to a therapist. I think you are a fine person but it will help a lot and make you feel more comfortable around people. What it sounds to me is like that somewhere in your life you were hurt by people and you formed all sorts of beliefs to keep yourself safe and now you feel resistance, anger and pain when you are pressed to get close and intimate. Totally normal reaction. Talking about it will make you feel more comfortable and passionate to get closer to people and you will find yourself having less defensive thoughts  your life will improve and you will soon be writing how much you enjoy getting close to women (or men)

[Abdelghafar]

2 hours ago, BlueOak said:

What you describe as hate you might also mean frustration, or anger, disappointment, or resentment.

Emotions are not bad, its what we do with them and what they mean to us, the choices we make that are important.

Those feelings are coming from you. Ask yourself why, and then address that. It could be that person you are tolerating needs cutting from your life, and there plenty of people I feel that way about.

@BlueOak You make a very strong argument. I like your way of thinking. Perhaps I can learn something here.

Could you expand more on the quoted text? Because I agree with you.

The hate I feel could be more complex in nature. And a lot of shades in between maybe present as you mentioned.

But what could a man do with these emotions? regardless of the reasons for which they arise.

I have an inkling on why they persist, as @Lyubov asserts:

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

What it sounds to me is like that somewhere in your life you were hurt by people and you formed all sorts of beliefs to keep yourself safe and now you feel resistance, anger and pain when you are pressed to get close and intimate.

But what if cutting people from my life that I'm intolerant of results in isolation?

Is the healthiest course of action here is to arm oneself of the belief that everyone acts out of their intentions to survive? Do you think it's healthier to try to forgive others for their actions but at the same time not being a doormat and tolerating them?

Thank you @Lyubov and @BlueOak for sharing your thoughts.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Abdelghafar

[BlueOak]

26 minutes ago, Abdelghafar said:

@BlueOak You make a very strong argument. I like your way of thinking. Perhaps I can learn something here.

Could you expand more on the quoted text? Because I agree with you.

The hate I feel could be more complex in nature. And a lot of shades in between maybe present as you mentioned.

But what could a man do with these emotions? regardless of the reasons for which they arise.

I have an inkling on why they persist, as @Lyubov asserts:

But what if cutting people from my life that I'm intolerant of results in isolation?

Is the healthiest course of action here is to arm oneself of the belief that everyone acts out of their intentions to survive? and therefore it's healthier to try to forgive others for their actions but all the same not being a doormat and tolerating them at the same time?

Thank you @Lyubov and @BlueOak for sharing your thoughts.

The more you know about what makes people and you tick, the less reactive you are. The more active or just neutral you can be if you choose. You can even help situations if you are feeling like it, useful especially toward your own relationships. You can benefit if you choose not just in personal relationships but professional relationships.

Hate is a strong initial aversion that has to be maintained or come up again and again. I hate this person he's always doing this, I hate this thing every week I am doing this.

It gives us space, direction, limited relief and breathing room. It doesn't tell us why, often if its constant it doesn't solve the issue. So while hate has a place as a buffer or to help us get out of an uncomfortable situation, that's why its natural, its miserable longterm. Its uncomfortable to stay there hating something or someone, for you and them, not understanding why.

If you question why you hate something and come up with more definition, you can address that, the understanding helps you act rather than be in reaction. Example: Resentment, I resent that we do the same job and I get paid less than you, I want to talk to my boss about why I am worth the same. I resent that I am being asked to work every weekend, I feel that is unfair and so I can address it.

In regards to understanding yourself and people its the same. Example. I am frustrated that every night I come home, I never know where you are, once in a while it'd be nice to have a night planned together. Understanding where you and your partner are coming from, what is driving it, is crucial in relating to people and developing your life and your life together.

Understanding makes life easier. I hate that person. Is not helpful beyond just cutting ties and moving away. Example: I find the way that person brags all day and puts others down makes me angry, you could look at why or how to handle it. You could speak to them, or you could realise they are probably very insecure and that's how they keep their life together, giving yourself less emotional charge towards them. You could look at why them bragging triggers you, what about it inside you bothers you? Then you'll no longer be reacting but acting.

This is the benefit of Emotional Intelligence. Something that isn't taught in schools and is a missing part of many people's lives.

Edited January 27, 2022 by BlueOak

[BlueOak]

I should also add of course you can preempt situations or problems when you realise why certain emotions are occuring in yourself, by adjusting expectations, or responses ahead of time. Then when a situation comes up about you, your partner or your relationship, you'll know if its true, because you know yourself inside and out. It makes for a solid foundation for anything, self identity, career, and your partnership professional or personal.

[Abdelghafar]

Proactivity. It's a struggle, to be honest. But a valiant one.

Edited January 27, 2022 by Abdelghafar

[Nahm]

Experiencing through belief is like holding your eye against a window, not realizing that you are, nor that there even is a window. Meditation is like stepping back into the room a bit, away from the window, and indeed it can then be ‘seen’, one was looking through a belief, but innocently did not know, could not have known, because the window can not be seen, only seen through. But the beliefs are felt. And this is how it is known there is the presence of, belief. Conversely, clarity, ultimately, is that you are unconditional & are being the person, room, window, & beliefs, and therein, there is no person, room, window or belief. There is no thing which could ever contain the love that you are, which is being. 

For killing or harming people, there is prison. There is all the time in the world to meditate & understand emotions in prison. But of course, one need not go that route. There is more than ample time & resources for this already. 

[Abdelghafar]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

For killing or harming people, there is prison. There is all the time in the world to meditate & understand emotions in prison. But of course, one need not go that route. There is more than ample time & resources for this already. 

Sounds like a threat, but I'm not threatened. That is good advice to me. Cheers @Nahm.