Not Liking My Life Purpose Anymore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Hey after taking the LP-Course 4 years ago I was deeply inspiried to become conscious and impact the programming scene with consciouness. Now I feel close to 0 passion for it anymore as when I talk with people who are into technology/programming. They have no idea what consciouness is about and I feel I am running against an impenetrable wall, they are to dense and mechanistic. I really start hating these dense technocrats all they care about is what works and I feel they never appreciate the work or process, just the end result.

People notice this about me, I am still somewhat passionate, yet without scratching the topic of a.i. I have close to 0 interest anymore. I thought myself stuff alone, yet I burn out overtime and, especially the dating stuff and the mindset of people is ultra toxic and patholoigical stage 1 masculinity. 

Even when I go inside I get the same answer for years about which direction I want to head. Yet, I have extrem issues walking my current stepping stone as I don't feel valued at all. 

I struggle extremely to sit down and do anything when I am not passionate about it and I become often depressed. Doing smth. which I do not like.

I had a lot of suicidial thoughts today, as these constant paradoxes rob me of life enegry. For example being injured and not being able to fully exercise/code on my fitness application and exercise to my level of satisfaction.

It really hurts and I start to hate myself for the choice, it's all very frustrating. Yet I barely made any progress on my own I abort the process, even when I am passionate about it because my relationships suffrr so much that I have close to none.

Thanks to game/pick-up the situation is a lot better. 

Yet, I seriously lack the abillity to work and I constantly have thoughts about suicide, because I don't get the results I feel I deserve.

Sure I let go also, yet I really start to hate the idea of a life purpose as I barely had any success with it in 4 years now approx. 

I am quite unsatisfied with the level of support after the course. I read all the extra material, it's good, yet it lacks social connection/cohesion.

When I meditate longer without a group I can become to existential/suicidial. Just interacting with pixel is horrible.

Thoughts?

@Leo Gura

Edited January 26, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Yarco]

The great thing about the course is that you have lifetime access. You can always go back and do it again and see if your priorities and values have changed.

Since you've already done the course you should be able to listen to all the Core Concepts stuff at 2x speed and breeze through it pretty fast.

I re-do the course every year and the biggest thing I look for is if my Top 10 values or my Strength Assessment results have shifted.

If your values and strengths are the same, then you may just need to tweak your zone of genius / domain of mastery / ideal medium. In the course, one example given is someone who is a programmer but now feels out of alignment, it's because they got into programming to do AI stuff but that's not what they're working on day-to-day. Your LP might still be programming, just not the way you're currently doing it.

For me, my Life Purpose from 2017 - 2020 was "Summarizing information in an easy-to-digest format and empowering people to pursue their dreams." I loved blogging and writing articles to accomplish that, but since then I've fallen a bit out of love with it. For 2022 I tweaked my LP slightly to "Explaining unique topics to people to create a sense of awe, wonder, and inspiration" and I'm giving podcasting a try to mix things up, and see if eventually I can transition my ideal medium entirely away from writing and into audio/video content. It might just take a little tweak like that for you as well.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Yarco

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Yarco I re-do and recently re-did my values. I have notes almost verbatim that I can look into, so I don't have to look at the videos. Redoing the whole course does not feel valuable, as my notes are very good. I listen to sections where I feel stuck and re-read sections where I am stuck. My values are fine, my life purpose is even fine, yet I really hate that I am not getting on track with it at all. As well as I tweaked my zones of genius. My strengths have consistently stayed the same. Which is love of learning, curiosity, citizienship, fairness, humour and playfulness. 

I also did some of this work before even having started the course on my own accidentally. My strengths stay about the same. 

For me the issue is hating the people that I want to impact currently, as many are just stuck in their survival paradigm. I could switch the statement to subtely impacting instead of inspiration although I wanted to be inspiring, yet I notice it does not have the impact that I want. 

I am just tired of this fake well-being productivity culture of people not recognizing that all of this is internal and then they blame externalize blame and tell others not to do it, while walking this performative contradiction. Life can't be a consistent performance and meritocracy. As if the new box thing will help you with sleep etc. 

I really want to be a guiding light, and an expert in topics relating to a.i as I am passionate towards society as a whole and it's dangers  I think that is very exciting. Yet, it feels like it's so far away and people missunderstand everything I say close to everything lost in details. I am no where near this and I really do have a love towards software engineering. It's just I feel in this country I am not treated properly (Germany) as a software-engineer. As for instance in S.F or Seattle. 

I followed the niche that was available to me which was mobile development and I do like it, I just hate to associate myself with users thinking of user needs etc. People are such a**holes with their needs and corrupted I really do not want to have anything to do with it. I frankly hate usabillity engineering ui/ux research as it is to close to people. Yet, I have to do parts of it and I am even good at it. I just don't like it. 

---

The other issue I have is with indepedence, yet currently I just don't feel any passion anymore towards mobile development, yet I need it for now otherwise I won't have career capital.

I am more passionate abou consciouness, yet I also really need experience working within a company, I just feel very depressed that there is close to 0 encouragement and emphasis on this, as this hinders my consciouness development a lot. 
 

Edited January 26, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[SonataAllegro]

You had dreams of breaking these materialists out of materialism, and that isn't going to work. If you want to make programming more of a conscious field that's awesome, but you're gonna have to do it alone, or find like-minded people. I'm in a similar place with my own LP of music composition, because there isn't any discussion of consciousness in music whatsoever at the conservatory I go to. It's disheartening, but I can't expect that others would understand if they don't have any idea what I'm talking about. If you're passionate about taking programming to a more conscious level, work on consciousness. The grand inventions and impacts you make will likely come in a later part of your life.

[mememe]

change the workplace.

i mean if you want to feel more passionate about it you‘d rather change outer circumstances- find a better working environment with people who love the process more.

Edited January 27, 2022 by mememe

[ValiantSalvatore]

@SonataAllegro Yeah, it was more interesting for me to impact them as a leader in a company and have integrity making decisions etc. Working on consciouness itself as it weaves itself automatically into the process for me it was less breaking them out of it, but impacting them with consciouness basically giving them direct hits. As you generally make better decision etcs. Converting them was never the goal, yet inspiring them somehow does not feel like the right thing to do. Consciouness generally is more important, yet I am also not interested to let go of the entire materialistic paradigm, I do enjoy my superficiality from time to time indulging in materalistic pleasures, yet I don't make it my life goal. I have materalistic goals, there is a place for that or aspirations.

I dunno I feel a bit better now. Talking this over thx for some level of clarity.


@mememe I would have done this if this would have been an option as well as I am changing soon. To be more in alignment with my LP.

[mememe]

25 minutes ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

@mememe I would have done this if this would have been an option as well as I am changing soon. To be more in alignment with my LP.

sounds good! if you grow, sometimes your sourounding has to grow with you, or you grow it out and find a new environment. you can also ofc find a balance in friends who appreciate that stuff and talk to them about what you are doing, so you would at least gain some appreciation with people who share the same ideas or also give you new input. good luck! something fresh or a bit of change is always good for new spirit.

Edited January 27, 2022 by mememe

[Cathal]

You never truly found your life purpose then,

 

If you found your life purpose what your colleagues do or don't do would make no difference and just from what I see I really think you need to see more clearly why you are experiencing those emotions because you are essentially gaslighting yourself because of your belief what you identified to be a life purpose

It is just a projection of thoughts and that's why it's so illusionary and making you suicidal - your emotional attachment to a thing with no substance to it/foundation in reality

[ValiantSalvatore]

@catcat69123 I don't think it's that simple. I can easily let go of my LP. The issue is I start hating the concept of it. There have been times I completely to let go of it. I get the same answer over and over again. 

Edited January 27, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[Cathal]

If you want to conceptualize life purpose beyond the sense it is just the activity you take in that is not based on any attachments or you could say the desire of truth - as in you know what is right and wrong intuitively beyond concepts.

If your purpose was truly to raise the consciousness of humanity like you said you wouldn't give a shit about the means or the utilitarian purposes you must fulfill, if you care about the utilitarian aspect it's always, in every scenario an attachment to some'thing' in consciousness and not based on observing as in you're getting identified with things

Just confront yourself and try to stabilize yourself in what your heart wants and stop avoiding feelings that feel bad along the path otherwise if you fall down every time you take a step youll get fuck all done

[Gianna]

1 hour ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I  don't think it's that simple. I can easily let go of my LP. The issue is I start hating the concept of it. There have been times I completely to let go of it. I get the same answer over and over again. 

If this is happening it’s because you have been living a life with an intense “have to” mentality. You have reached a point of exhaustion that not even a life purpose sounds good anymore. Everything you will try to do (even if it once sounded pleasant) will turn into pain with this mentality. You need to let yourself let go completely and give yourself the permission to do nothing. Absolutely nothing with no plans or ideas for what action or purpose to take or anything. What feels like relief to you? Laying on a beach? Watching a movie? We are scared that if we let ourselves go into these things we will never get out, but will instead be stuck in our lack of motivation and misery forever. But this is not true. What is true is that if we really give ourselves the permission to do nothing (which takes courage/bravery from a mentality of this state), our desire for relief is satiated, and our energy will begin to find its way. Your mind is agitated with beliefs. Give yourself an intense break from thinking and planning. 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

@catcat69123 I don't think you understand close to 1% of what I feel. Not even close to 1%. You don't also understand what I wrote and I am tired of explaining people stuff they don't get. This is not very helpful as you don't understand anything basically neither how I feel neither what I wrote. Did you even do the life purpose course?


@Gianna I am one of the most believe free persons you'll most likely meet, you can argue back and forth. There are so many assumptions and trust me I notice any assumption a person will make. Basically what you have been describing is smth. that I have been doing the past 3 weeks. Letting go, no plans etc. There is some value in the question of "What feels like relief to you?" I thank you for that, yet I am a very paradoxical person. Going to the gym or even working can be a relief to me, the biggest relief that is not considered an activity for me would be travelling. The point is this letting go mentality caused more issues, then thinking and planning. Thinking and planning is a tool. I let go of that tool also, the issue is I don't feel any alignment towards my life purpose anymore, because I don't feel I can impact others. As they are way to dense with their ideas I consistently get that impression, it's as if radical openmindedness is just an excuse to believe whatever you want instead to shatter believes and biases and it's just about authority and status as well as skill. Your advice has some value. I never had an "have to" mentality. I am not that kind of person, even if it seems like it.  As I see this as needy. I can be obessessive and intense that is a difference. 

I did a do-nothing/choiceless awarness meditation for 2 1/2 years approx. for 1h as well as did a zen retreat. Truely doing nothing and being spontaneous feeling a zen bounce is something completely different. 

Currently I experience a good amount of hatred. That is one issue I have. 

The concerns I have are more practical. I also ask you this did you do the life purpose course?

 

[universe]

On 26.1.2022 at 6:04 PM, ValiantSalvatore said:

They have no idea what consciouness is about

they are to dense and mechanistic.

they never appreciate the work or process, just the end result.

especially the dating stuff and the mindset of people is ultra toxic and patholoigical stage 1 masculinity.

I struggle extremely to sit down and do anything when I am not passionate about it

these constant paradoxes rob me of life enegry.

I abort the process, even when I am passionate about it because my relationships suffrr

It can be helpful to take a clear look at our beliefs about the world. Because they define how we act and feel.

Always coming back to the now. Coming back to Consciousness.

There are no problems right now.

Not taking things so important. Not taking them so serious.

I'd encourage you to take a step back. Get some change of perspective, maybe do some psychedelics if you want to.

 

❤️

[Gianna]

 

1 hour ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I am a very paradoxical person. Going to the gym or even working can be a relief to me the biggest relief that is not considered an activity for me would be travelling.

You are a paradoxical person because your wires are crossed. Working feels like relief to you. Instead of just settling on this you need to ask yourself why that is. Why are you paradoxical? Question yourself instead of just telling yourself that’s how you are. 
 

1 hour ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I can be obessessive and intense that is a difference. 

But why are you obsessive and intense? This is why you are not aligning with your LP. It’s not because you don’t believe you can help people— you do think you can help people which is why you’re having the second thought, “well people can’t be helped.” It takes the first thought to even have the second thought. You do think you can help people but you are questioning whether or not you even want to because you think it’ll end in exhaustion or disappointment because you have a belief “people can’t be helped.” Maybe you are thinking too much about service and not enough about your own joy. 
 

LP feels like joy which is why you can’t align with it because you cannot reach joy you can only try and reach for relief because you are obsessive and intense.
 

Yeah I’ve taken the course. 

Edited January 28, 2022 by Gianna

[Gianna]

1 hour ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

Currently I experience a good amount of hatred

Also, hatred is about rejection. So if you have hatred in you, it’s coming from a part that feels rejected and the rejection it feels turns into hate. But hate is really a cover emotion for feeling vulnerable. Anyway, whats most likely happening is you are unconsciously rejecting this part so it is rejecting giving you your LP/joy.
 

Maybe you don’t have the “have to” mentality, but maybe you have the “so that” mentality. I am doing all of these things (courses, retreats, meditation) so that, I can be X (x=different than how you are, which is why this part is interpreting you as rejecting it). “Why do I have to be anything other than what I am right now?” is how this part feels and why it is rejecting giving you your joy. 

[Thought Art]

Expand your tool kit. Notice how you feel and go meet some more people, make some new connections. There are conscious computer geeks out there for sure.

[ValiantSalvatore]

1 hour ago, Gianna said:

You are a paradoxical person because your wires are crossed. Working feels like relief to you. Instead of just settling on this you need to ask yourself why that is. Why are you paradoxical? Question yourself instead of just telling yourself that’s how you are. 

What does the first sentence mean? 

Yes, when I am working I feel the happiest. Why I am paradoxical, what makes me paradoxical, when I am paradoxical. I can give you answers to all of these, yet it's all very nuanced and depend on the situation. Saying that I am a paradoxical person and holding that as a loose concept that is not absolute truth makes the situation easier to understand. 

1 hour ago, Gianna said:

But why are you obsessive and intense? This is why you are not aligning with your LP. It’s not because you don’t believe you can help people— you do think you can help people which is why you’re having the second thought, “well people can’t be helped.” It takes the first thought to even have the second thought. You do think you can help people but you are questioning whether or not you even want to because you think it’ll end in exhaustion or disappointment because you have a belief “people can’t be helped.” Maybe you are thinking too much about service and not enough about your own joy. 

It just is the way it is. If you want and need theory to understand these you can read about the Enneagram I am a w5. 5's are very intense and want to understand stuff on a deep level. I feel the most alignment with my LP when I can be obsessive and in a flow state, the word might make it difficult to understand because my conception of the word itself is different. Most people would equate it with being neurotic. I am not a very neurotic person. It's just passion taken to the next level. Also, I don't have the believe people can't be helped that is your assumption on your part not mine! I generally notice people are very open to receive help, some demand more competence than others and need help from more competent people. I can't let an amateur do heart surgery, it depends on the situation, yet I bet an amateur could bind a wound. I don't hold any of the believes you say, that is a very strong projection. My thought process is completely different, when it comes to helping people. I just mostly observe what is and ask myself what I can do that is it. That is what fundamentally zen thought me, more to ask what is true about this situation or what just is present.


The service part is very good! Thinking about my own joy I think I have been shamed for that partially as I experience emotions so intensly others can't keep up with that level of energy. It's like a hardcore dunning-kruger effect, do you see what I mean with paradoxical? Imagine feeling like you just have taken psychdelics without even taking psychdelics and others suddenly wondering where that energy comes from. It was there the whole time, subtle physical joy etc. I was a bit to much focused on service to others instead of thinking about myself and my own joy as the demands that I'd make are very difficult for people to set into action. I can't be like hey you there just turn up 180 as you are one hell of a boring person to talk to. That is not in alignment of "respectully" working with truth.

I clearly notice that my words don't seem to represent what they represent for you. Obsessive and intense for me is passion and joy, I use these colloquial terms, as this is how it looks to onlookers, yet it's just not the case. I am experiencing joy I hate this subtle form of shaming. It's about intensity and depth. Obesession for me is the feeling of OMFG I love doing this and I can't stop. Instead of OMFG I HAVE TO, I MUST DO THIS etc. 
 

39 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Also, hatred is about rejection. So if you have hatred in you, it’s coming from a part that feels rejected and the rejection it feels turns into hate. But hate is really a cover emotion for feeling vulnerable. Anyway, whats most likely happening is you are unconsciously rejecting this part so it is rejecting giving you your LP/joy.
 

Maybe you don’t have the “have to” mentality, but maybe you have the “so that” mentality. I am doing all of these things (courses, retreats, meditation) so that, I can be X (x=different than how you are, which is why this part is interpreting you as rejecting it). “Why do I have to be anything other than what I am right now?” is how this part feels and why it is rejecting giving you your joy. 

I did a ton of shadow work and currently I have natural releases I don't need to do much shadow work anymore, I talked to some people I could of course benefit from an intensive, yet from what I've read and people I've talked to I did to much of this and I found a way how this ressolves naturally, it's a slower process, yet it helps. Currently it is hindred by an injury. 

Mostly it feels like my needs are not meet and that makes me angry, as I have a strong desire for competencey. I don't mind being vulnerable, yet people are not used to be around vulnerable people, I can basically feel into my wounds and cry like I am doing now and I have tears in my eyes. That is how sensetive my nervous system is and what people don't get. It's not that I want to become.... another person.... it's about evolving and transforming the person that I am. 

 I do have a strong painbody around anger as my parents projected as well as society projected that emotion a lot onto me. So anger/hatred can be a form of rejection is I agree and it turns into hate if my needs are not meet or I can't express to another person how I truely feel. This is enough for now...


Thank you for your comments!



 

Edited January 28, 2022 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Thought Art Hopefully I am so tired of this meritocracy vibe and external well-being culture. Let's take device X and shove it up our buts so we can analyze our analdensity. 

1 hour ago, universe said:

It can be helpful to take a clear look at our beliefs about the world. Because they define how we act and feel.

Always coming back to the now. Coming back to Consciousness.

There are no problems right now.

Not taking things so important. Not taking them so serious.

I'd encourage you to take a step back. Get some change of perspective, maybe do some psychedelics if you want to.

 

❤️

That is true I wish I could hold a state like that so my problems don't seem like problems anymore. I do have an issue letting go as I am harshly judged by society and people consistently question and shame you for that. That is also one reason I like night clubs as there are less social boundaries and I feel I can let go more. 

I really could do need some travel and psychdelics it was all planned, yet this dating stuff is an issue as well as Corona and staying in contact with people. 

Thanks for sharing love. Love you too mate! ❤️❤️

[Gianna]

@ValiantSalvatore well you said that people were way too dense with their ideas and couldn’t be helped. So I was saying that you had the belief that people couldn’t be helped because you said that, not because I was projecting— you said it! Hehe.  

2 hours ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I don't feel I can impact others. As they are way to dense with their ideas

 

34 minutes ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I experience emotions so intensly others can't keep up with that level of energy. It's like a hardcore dunning-kruger effect, do you see what I mean with paradoxical? Imagine feeling like you just have taken psychdelics without even taking psychdelics and others suddenly wondering where that energy comes from

Yeah I know what you mean. I’ve had that experience too. 
 

32 minutes ago, ValiantSalvatore said:

I hate this subtle form of shaming. It's about intensity and depth. Obesession for me is the feeling of OMFG I love doing this and I can't stop. Instead of OMFG I HAVE TO, I MUST DO THIS etc.

It’s not shaming, it simply saying why relief would sound good to you after intense states like obsession and intensity. It doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad, I wasn’t implying good or bad. I was just saying why relief would sound good after intense emotions like that. 
Anyway yeah this is a lot. Hope you get it all settled. 

[Leo Gura]

@ValiantSalvatore What work do you enjoy doing? Find that.

It seems you are too focused on some end-goal and not enough focused on the work, the mastery process.

If you enjoy coding then it shouldn't matter what others are doing.

Focus on the process of being creative. This will calm your mind and the suicidal thoughts.