I want to get out of this dark place

[SantaMaria]

Hi. Maria here. 

I was hurt many times in the past, but this time I’m truly crushed. I need your help to get my out of this dark place.

I was lucky enough to have an Awakening to Love in 2020, few days after meeting my guru Krishna Prem. It came to me naturally, and before that I used psychedelics and yoga/meditation to attain Higher states of consciousness. 
I want to share Family and personal life issues I’ve been dealing with. 

My father is a known person here in this country. A lot of people know about his anger issues etc. 

He’s also very arrogant and abusive. I grew up watching him hit my mum. 
 

My parents got divorced, and then remarried each other again. My mum said she came back for us. My mum works for her grandfather, who’s the director of almost all the banks in Bangladesh. 

Regards to my father, he gave me the worst mental and physical trauma ever since I was a child. When I was 8-9, he hit my face with a chair until it started bleeding. Then he would hug and apologise, saying he loves me and that I had to forgive him as he is my father. 
I was taught to forgive. But he never stopped, he kept hitting me until 21. He is verbally abusive too. 
So, last July (2021) he got very angry and so he hit my face with a rod until it started bleeding. He wanted to change my facial structure, my face was bleeding he grabbed my hair and asked little brother Alex to bring scissors to cut my hair. But it was more of a psychological attack as he knows I care about my looks etc a lot. 
After he was done he asked me to take a shower and have the medicines (I felt like the 8 year old Maria again). I have a huge vanity in my room, I stood in front of my mirror I screamed my heart out. I couldn’t see myself, I wanted to end my life. I was lying on the floor, crying, my mum came to my room she touched my feet and asked me to forgive her. 
When I asked him why did this, he said it was because I didn’t speak to him properly two days earlier. 

It took some time for me to fully recover, and i had difficulty breathing as it hit my chest as well. But I must say, I feel much more beautiful now.
 

I’ve always felt very unsafe at home. Constantly living in a fear of getting hurt if do something wrong. 
I thought he’d stop but he didn’t. So I accepted a marriage proposal within my mum’s family (the person was from LA) and I also wanted to do my bachelors in the US. But I rejected it later, as I felt no attraction. It would’ve been a sin against my Heart. So I stopped thinking about Marriage as an escape, it was like jumping from a frying pan to fire. 

I discussed about my fathers abuse with my gurus and friends, they said he is mentally unstable, and that he is jealous of my sensuality, femininity etc. 
 

A bit about my personal life, I’m a very passionate woman, people who know me usually call me “A lover”. I’ve lost myself in this Love over and over again, when I love someone I love them unconditionally. I’m an old soul,  in my early 20s, But I usually find myself attracted to older men. Men in their 40s etc, when I discussed this with my therapist she said I “matured” really early which is why I attract older men in my life, as our thoughts and mind sync. I was never able to connect with anyone my age, probably because  of the lack of awareness and understanding they have. Also, I have interesting conversations with older people in general. My friends, and family say I’m “40” mentally. Then some people perceive me as this serial dater who gets overly emotional and obsessive eventually.
These men who chased me, cried for me, said prayers for my well-being etc. made me feel so special….took everything I had left in me, all the love I had. It went to a point where I no longer existed. I couldn’t bear the loss. It felt like an existential doom after every breakup. I 

One of my greatest fears in life is losing people I love the most. Last year, I lost beloved,  my childhood best friend of 10 years, and a few other people unexpectedly. I feel very lonely.
I don’t  very confident nowadays, don’t remember the last time I was happy. My father, and those ex lovers sucked the life out of me. 
Been feeling very down and emotional lately, I would really appreciate your help. 
Love and light 

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by SantaMaria

[puporing]

I really feel your pain and the struggle to be unconditionally loved and just wanting to catch a break from this struggle. You deserved loving, non-abusive parents, and it was not your fault that you grew up with so little of that and dealing with the physical, mental emotional aftermath. It sounds like you've been on your own, that you had to grow up fast to take care of yourself and perhaps your mother as well. I could relate a lot to what you're saying.. and about seeking warmth outside of home, because you didn't have that from your home life, only to keep the cycle of feeling unloved and abandoned. It's good that you're able to acknowledge the experience of loss, and that you have spoken with teachers and therapists about your past, it is not easy to open up about these matters as you're doing so here... You seem very self aware and have a good guidance system and asking questions. It may be helpful to first notice the pattern, and ponder on why they aren't meeting your needs in the end, and how else could I meet those needs and develop trusting friendships and relationships. I know it's perhaps not the answer you're looking for. But you're not alone and I hope this community can help you feel more loved and supported. 

[ted73104]

It feels like what you've been through with your father's abusive behavior has allowed your subconscious to build up defense mechanisms, and with these defenses, sometimes your mind would switch to this detect and analysis mode where you are basically just searching for any presence of danger. You're not able to allow your true emotions to flow when you're in this mode.

I would suggest therapy for this, although sometimes it takes a long time (and a bit of money) to find the right therapist for you. There are like many schools of therapy, and even when you've found the right type for yourself, you may also need someone who can really understand you for them to explain your condition to you. Hopefully you've already found a suitable therapist.

The emotions you have built up inside you cannot be understood and explained easily, and to release those negative energies, you need a suitable channel. Then when you've relaxed after expressing those negative emotions in some way, you need a conscious method to turn off those defense mechanisms. I would also recommend the teaching of Teal Swan, you could check out her Youtube channel and see if some of her methods work for you.

 

[Cathal]

that's a fucked up life

do you have any plans for how or where you'd like to go in life, what place you'd like to move to? do you wanna share that for input? you might also find the self-actualization sub also useful for that

i would just say that financial independence while it is really a drag should a priority. once you secure yourself that way then you might find yourself in a better situation to process through and understand more and more these deep traumas you're carrying - which is really the feeling of life being sucked out of you

 

[SantaMaria]

@puporing thank you so much. This means a lot to me 

[SantaMaria]

@Tim Ho Thank you so much for your kind words. Sending love 

 

[Bittu]

Damn that sounds extremely fucked up. My Mother is a narcissist and still that shit just sounds brutal as fuck.

Love yourself! Its going to get better.

[Preety_India]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. 

All I can say is that you gotta be strong and keep moving. There is always hope at the end of the tunnel. 

 

[Raze]

Try internal family systems therapy 

[PurpleTree]

?

[Gianna]

Because we experience people in our hearts, we will never actually lose them. Their essence is forever within us. And so we are with them for and in eternity, whether we’d like it or not! You will never truly lose them. So whenever we feel the fear of loss, we need to be reminded of this and of ourselves in this way.
 

Also, your love is what makes these people beautiful. And your love is forever with you. No matter who comes or goes, it will be you that is creating the beautiful and loving experience. So love yourself for love is your self! And even when they do go, they could never actually leave your heart or be forgotten. You will always have all of the people you’ve ever loved within you. ? 

 

As far as your dad, I mean oh my god. You deserve safety and protection (which may be why you are attracted to older men) and nothing less! Protection will find you as soon as you protect yourself. Do whatever you can to save the being within you (which means leaving your dad). You deserve a full, bright, loving life, as you are a full, bright, loving being. 
 

Sending you love and protection ?

[SantaMaria]

@Gianna what an eye-opening, insightful response! Can’t thank you enough Love. I’ll always be grateful for this. 
You’re the sweetest, sending lots of love ?. 

[SantaMaria]

@Bittu @Preety_India @PurpleTree @Raze @catcat69123  THANK YOU ❤️

[Gianna]

@SantaMaria ???

[Nahm]

Obviously deplorable on your parents behalf and so sorry to hear. What a tragic waste of what could have been a wonderful parenting experience. While it’s possible they choose to align with the influence of source, it’d be pretty miraculous to happen anytime soon. The priority seems to be moving out. Plans in place? Ideas of what you want in that regard? Anything we all can help with? If you don’t intend to very soon, I’d consider making a police report. I know that can be a difficult can of worms to consider but he sounds quite out of control and that doesn’t typical improve on it’s own without some accountability.