Cassidy Klein

[Cutie3141592]

I've been told that I look like this porn star. You asked for a sexy title. I posted this in the wrong place but I will repost here and continue writing.

Member

1 post

Posted January 3

Hello! Welcome to my journal. I recently signed up for the Life Purpose course.

So I found Leo’s videos on Youtube and many of them resonated with me, especially his explanation of God.  I’m a recovering alcoholic (over 4 years sober now). I did go to AA and like many newcomers, I balked at the higher power concept. I was agnostic and I felt that all rational people should draw the same conclusion. To use spiral dynamics terms, I was very orange and perceived all believers as blue. An Ivy League educated lawyer, I was extremely arrogant. I couldn’t even fathom that there might be spiritual people who are more advanced than me. Well, maybe I could concede that Buddhist monks might be ahead in the game of life but certainly not anyone who earned a chair in AA.

Spirituality kept alluding me and I couldn’t’ understand why. Then by accident, I was listening to a lecture by a very spiritual woman who ran for president. At the first Democratic primary debate, she talked about fighting Trump with love. I then suspected that she might be crazier than me. I am bipolar. But in this lecture, she was making sense.  She talked about how she used to hate the idea of God, the idea that there is a man much smarter than her controlling her life. Her observation gave me chills and I finally realized that my pride and arrogance were roadblocks.

I’m looking forward to this journey. I did read that this community is not about helping people with addiction or mental illness, but that’s not why I’m here. I know my life will always be a struggle, especially when I experience very intense lows- that’s bipolar, but I feel like I finally have a grip on those things. I’m ready to find my purpose. I’m ready for happiness. Thank you in advance for your support!

That photo actually wasn't staged at all. I was meditating and I felt my Bengal kitten, Melissandra, burrow into my legs. When I opened my eyes, I saw her in the cutest version of a child's pose imaginable. 

[Cutie3141592]

I'm happier than I have been in a very long time.  I think part of that is just spending time with the kitten, just watching how beautiful she is, how agile, how intelligent. I love trying to decipher her behavior. Is that a domestic cat adaptation or an Asian leopard cat adaptation? I don't look it up very much because I prefer to just have my theories. 

I've been in a relationship since April. I haven't been in a relationship since getting sober. I actually have not accomplished all that much 2014-now. 2022. That's tough to acknowledge. In my mind, I like to tell myself that I needed "several" years to get myself together, but really, I wasted just about a decade watching cnn and msnbc on my mom and dad's couch. I just completely lost any hunger for life. I suppose it's good that this finally bothers me.

We made a lot of progress in therapy. We talked about "learned helplessness". This might be over-simplifying it but I basically worked very hard academically. I didn't ever learn how to be happy until alcohol, and then after alcohol, I was lost.  I really didn't think I was going to live much longer. I didn't want to. I was just in such a dark place for so long. It feels foreign to be making plans for the future again. To go from a 6-figure job to jobless and living with parents and losing the only coping skill I had was just so devastating. Not that my time in active alcoholism was some kind of perpetual bliss, but if nothing else, I got to feel alive intermittently back then. 

The relationship though. It's going very well. I moved in with him. He makes sure I take my meds. My past doesn't seem to scare him. I tried something different and actively tried to let him have the upper hand, lead, be the man of the house. I really am amazed how well it's been going. It couldn't have been this easy all along. Will it blow up in my face?  I don't know. Most importantly, though, the more I get to know him, the more I realize what a solid human he is. 

The other huge realization I had is just how terrified I was to try my hand at writing. It's my talent, and yet, I never dared enter the arena. Instead, I sought "stability" in law. Why didn't I just go for it? I was terrified. I had an immigrant working class upbringing. I know what it's like to lack. I didn't want to lack again. 

The realizations can be painful, but I'm happy with my progress.