vegan, food, body

[Gianna]

I hate that vegan options are so expensive. I just spent 18 dollars on a burrito.. but maybe that's just that shop. It was the most organic place I've seen. I have to admit, it feels good to not have the feeling of meat weighing me down. And don't even get me started on the intolerant feeling of dairy. I want to feel cleansed and free. I like being vegan but it's so damn hard. And our stupid society doesn't make it easy. I mean, California is actually really good but then again it's $18 for a burrito. I hate cooking. I even hate eating in general. I wish I could primarily live off of life force energy. Kind of like I did back at university when I didn't even have enough time to eat. I would basically drink all of my meals in the form of protein shakes, smoothies, and coffee. The caffeine took away all appetite and so did bartending and school and excessive exercise. But I was too skinny back then and abusive to my body. I acted like a dictator to my body. But ever since experiencing its consciousness I now work on creating a loving and symbiotic relationship with it. I want to nurture it and meet all of its needs. But it's not easy and very tiring. It's like taking care of an infant. We haven't found a routine– something that works and is effortless for the both of us. I would prefer to eat the same thing every day so I can just get on with it. Eating feels like a chore. But my body wants a diversity of nutrients. In other words, it doesn't want to eat the same thing every day. It wants an abundance of healthy bacteria, omegas, and to be alkaline and all of that. It wants intimacy with the food it ingests, so food meditations. It wants me to be present with it while it eats and while it digests. It's just a lot. But plant-based foods are pretty loving. I like meeting and feeling its consciousness, unlike the consciousness of meat. The consciousness of meat feels like death and fear, abuse, torment, defeat, and sadness. Anyway, I can ask the plants to make my body feel loved and supported as it goes through me. Oh yeah, that's what I should do. I should subscribe to one of those meal plan things where they send you food to cook. I feel like I would enjoy cooking more if I didn't have to measure and cut the ingredients. Because it comes already organized and ready to go, I can just throw it in the pan and watch it cook and simmer. I think that would work for us. And I don't mind doing food meditations. I'm willing to do them in the morning and then we can figure it out for lunch and dinner. hehehe. I probably won't do it before dinner, I'm not going to lie to you my dear one. But I think a meal plan will work and be really good. We'll see how it goes. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Gianna

[Gianna]

I'm still full from the burrito so I'm not going to eat dinner tonight. I guess $18 isn't so bad when it's your only meal of the day. There must have been a lot of sodium in the frittata or something. Is there even sodium in frittata? I just feel like some vegan options (especially tofu) are just filled with sodium and I'm pretty bloated. But I'm also pmsing so there's that. It feels like my boobs are swelling and my ni**le* hurt it's agony. Tomorrow's going to be even worse I might die tomorrow. Should I smoke weed again tonight? If I keep smoking weed every night then what does that mean about me? hehehe, just kidding it's only been two days. it's fine. It's fine on days like these where I'm preparing for that time of the month. It makes me more connected to my body which is clearly in a process right now. I just can't believe how thirsty I've been and how full I still am, I mean that was a breakfast burrito.. it's 8pm. I definitely think it's a sodium thing. 

[Gianna]

Mhh I love Indian food. I think it’s one of my favorite foods in the world. I remember spending time at this house in Santa Monica, where I used to babysit. The family was from India and they had the warmest, most comforting, amazing home that always smelt of toor dal and other authentically made foods. They were the first ones to introduce me to toor dal and I fell in love with it immediately. It’s just pretty hard to cook especially like the way they cooked it. I feel like there could be a lot of vegan options within Indian foods. Like chana masala, some curry dishes, or vegetable biryani, which I’m pretty sure is like an Indian vegetable fried rice. There’s so much to explore here and my body loves it. I still haven't looked into food subscriptions or booked my massage for my body, but when I do look I'm going to try and find some with Indian vegan options. 

Edited January 26, 2022 by Gianna

[Gianna]

Each time I’ve booked a massage it’s been with a woman, which I prefer. But each time those woman have talked to me the entire time which is not relaxing. I want to focus on the sensations of my body. I could just not respond if it happens again. But then I would feel rude and trapped in my head with guilt and that’s not relaxing/focused either. I’m thinking about just booking one with a man even though that makes me really nervous. If a part of me is nervous to be massaged by a man then I can’t do that to myself. It’s stereotypical, but I feel like a man wouldn’t converse, which is what I want. But why does a massage with a man make me so nervous?Does it have to do with the hands on my body? Or the presence in the room? Maybe both. I feel more safe with women but why am I thinking about safety. Why am I making judgments and predictions when I can just be in the now. Maybe I’ll just focus on God during the massage and transcend all thought, judgments, projections. I’ll probably just do that but I’m going to spend some time with the aspect that is scared so I’m not throwing her in the deep end and using god as justification. 

[Gianna]

Okay so she doesn’t want to go. She actually said she would rather die than go (she’s dramatic). Haha. Oh my god I love her. But she’s more afraid than I thought. She doesn’t like the idea of large-sized hands on us in comparison to our small body. It’s like she’s picturing a reality of a man who can wrap his hands around the entirety of her body and throw her against the wall. Idk why she’s imagining that, we’re not thattt small. But anyway, of course she’s scared. She’s envisioning someone really tall and large and she’s dismissing all other possible realities of a man. I gave her the idea of a smaller man with smaller hands and she said she would be comfortable with that. She said she would be most comfortable and safe with a smaller asian man (idk why she is saying that). She’s wants the relief of the pressure that can come from a man’s hands but she understands that she can get that same pressure from a woman as well. She said she’d rather have a younger guy but honestly I don’t feel like searching the lagunas for a small younger Asian man so we compromised on this:

We’re going to go with the same woman as last time. But we’re not going to make ourselves conversate and when we feel guilty when we reject her conversation, then we can embody god and just be of a witness. And focus on the sensations of our body. She really resents the fact that a man doesn’t have to go through the entire process we just did, but would probably just show up and go with anyone. She wishes we weren’t concerned about our safety in small matters like this; but it is what it is.
She remembers a time at university when the entire hall of women raised their hands when the professor asked who was afraid at night walking to their car. Few men raised their hands. The majority of men said that they are really thinking about what they’re going eat. While the women said that they strategizes ways to get to their car and (if necessary) away from a potential attack (pepper spray, hurrying in and locking the car door, etc.) The things these women said that day have never left her. She thinks it’s really sad that our men have traumatized us in history to this point of ancestral traumatization. But she knows it’s all imagination now. But she still thinks about the day where she’ll be with a man and won’t (but probably still will) worry about her safety. Anyway, we’re excited to get a massage! Our first of this year. 

[Gianna]

Jody made me the most delicious Japanese vegetable fried rice tonight. It was really good and my body loved it. But I accidentally ate too much sugar afterward for dessert and now my heart is racing and chest is tightening. I feel a sharp pain under my right clavicle that shoots through my back right shoulder blade and up the side of my neck. What the frick, I'm so mad at myself. I just want to drink a bunch of water and go to sleep but my body is shaking. I never want to have sugar again!!!

[RickyFitts]

7 hours ago, Gianna said:

Jody made me the most delicious Japanese vegetable fried rice tonight. It was really good and my body loved it. But I accidentally ate too much sugar afterward for dessert and now my heart is racing and chest is tightening. I feel a sharp pain under my right clavicle that shoots through my back right shoulder blade and up the side of my neck. What the frick, I'm so mad at myself. I just want to drink a bunch of water and go to sleep but my body is shaking. I never want to have sugar again!!!

Oh no, I'm so sorry you had such a bad reaction to the sugar  I guess these sorts of situations are learning experiences if nothing else, though I don't suppose it's helpful to know that when you're suffering - I hope you feel a little better today, anyway ?

RE the massage, might be best to just be honest with the masseuse about how you're feeling at the moment, she might be understanding

[Gianna]

@RickyFitts Thank you, Ricky, it was a miserable state to be in.. haha. A lot of tension and anxiety. And I agree about the masseuse. I just don't want to break her spirit as her spirit is so high while talking. I am either sensing her sensitivity and treading lightly, or I am projecting it onto her. Regardless, I am sure she is capable of understanding. So I think that's great advice. Thank you soul brother <3 

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, Gianna said:

@RickyFitts Thank you, Ricky, it was a miserable state to be in.. haha. A lot of tension and anxiety.

Oh it's just awful, I wouldn't wish it on anyon - so sorry you had to go through that  Glad you're feeling better now though  

Completely get where you're coming from about not wanting to break the masseuse's spirit - I think just being fully present, noticing any tension you might be feeling and allowing it to release can also be very helpful, too. Anyway, hope you have a great massage, you're very welcome soul sister <3

[Gianna]

26 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

being fully present, noticing any tension you might be feeling and allowing it to release can also be very helpful, too. Anyway, hope you have a great massage, you're very welcome soul sister <3

I plan on this! I think it will be a great growing opportunity. And thank you Ricky, I will!  

Edited January 26, 2022 by Gianna

[RickyFitts]

14 minutes ago, Gianna said:

I plan on this! I think it will be a great growing opportunity. And thank you Ricky, I will!  

Yes! Great way of looking at it, these sorts of situations can definitely be great opportunities for growth if we can remain present