Journal about my inner chaos and my journey of trying to make sense of it

[Rainy Sparkle]

Total time meditated this year: 52 hours

Books read/listened this year: 10

[Rainy Sparkle]

Total time meditated this year: 74 hours

Books read/listened this year: 14

[Rainy Sparkle]

Total time meditated 2022: 76h 25min

Total time meditated this year: 10 min

***

I had a challenge. I tried to get 100 hour mark by the end of the November. Ended up focusing too much on numbers and the whole point of meditation kinda got forgotten. And I clearly didn't "win" my challenge. New start. No challenges right now.

 

[Rainy Sparkle]

Everything is falling apart. Everything I have been thinking I am or am not (as person) is being torn away. Those ideas of 'good' or 'bad', ideas I've been chasing, ideas I've been trying run away from. I feel like I'm floating in a spinning pool of emotions, thoughts, ideas of myself, ideas of reality. I'm trying to fight back, but everytime I do so, I feel like I'll drown. I'm tired of caring so much, I'm tired of feeling so much, I'm tired of fighting for having control, but I'm afraid of giving in.

Love is not finite. I can't understand why it brings so much suffering with it. Is it even love? Does love even really exist or is it yet another idea? 

Blah blah blah. Everything is nonsense.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Anything that is said about you is meaningless in the end

Some will say you're deep, some will say you're shallow

Some will say you're unique, amazingly extraordinary, some will say you're just regular girl

And

Someone will say you're a stain in a perfect painting

But imperfection is perfection and perfection without imperfection is imperfect

So

Everything is perfect anyway