Journal about my inner chaos and my journey of trying to make sense of it

[Rainy Sparkle]

I'm feeling depressed, detached/disconnected from everything, emotionally flat and bored. There is this tormenting emptiness inside of me. It's making me feel anxious. It's like I'm lacking something I crave, but it's not obvious. It might be the dullness in my emotions though, but I'm not sure. 

I'm still interested in things at some level, but there's huge issue with being interested enough to be motivated and most things don't feel that rewarding. 

I might be just tired.

I've been meditating occasionally, but my time notes are in several different places, so not updating the time now.

[Rainy Sparkle]

I feel like I have nothing to give. That makes me feel like I'm useless. I am only taking from the experience or wanting something from it. I'm not having conscious input. Maybe that's why I don't see much value in myself. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm side character.

I'm not open, I'm not real, not authentic. I'm covered in masks. I don't let myself feel what I truly feel, because I try to outsmart my real reaction by foreseeing it and changing it to something else. I'm not showing my real emotion, I'm not sharing my true thoughts. My attitude towards everything seems to be like 'playing chess'. I need to do the correct move. I see everything and everyone as my enemy, even myself, my mind. I have no allies.

I am not interesting. I already know all the stories I have to tell. There are unopened doors, undiscovered dungeons, but I don't let myself in.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Some things make me feel angry at the world. I'm stuck in a mental state where the world/reality is against me and it feels unfair. I see things black and white: Nothing goes right, nothing goes the way I want. I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I want this and I want that. Not getting what I want feels like a punishment.

I'm irritated and tearful, but not feeling overall as depressed as last week.

My throat is sore, that is also annoying. I'm tired of being sick all the time.

Regardless of what I feel, this might be a good day. 

[Rainy Sparkle]

I still haven't found psychotherapist. No one has free times on their calendars and won't have in a long time. I get it, the situation with psychotherapy is not good, but it still feels bad. And there's this one side in me who feels neglected. "They just don't want to take me."

But I'm getting to see a doctor about my throat issues. I'm nervous. I'm afraid.

I feel like I've gone in circles with my contemplations. So yesterday I decided to do something different. I have a deck of tarot cards. The idea is to draw a card and then journal about the thoughts and feelings there is about the card.

Five of wands (reversed)

The picture of the card has people who seem to fight with sticks. There's growing leaves from the sticks and every person has different color clothing. Those people are standing on a grass that looks like it's trodden. At the background is "emptiness", only a blue sky.

It makes me think new ideas (growing leaves), different and differing thoughts and opinions and a conflict. Trodden grass tells about wearing, history, this isn't the first time to be here. The emptiness of the background could tell about focus being on the fight or not being connected with surroundings. Fighting people can symbolize fights/arguments with other people or inner conflicts. Or maybe the mentality of "Stand up, fight for it, act now".

--> Reversed card could symbolize the fear of conflict, passivity, mentality of giving up, self-efficacy is missing.

Reading of the book: "You are probably trying to avoid conflicts. It might be result of focusing on tasks and goals, but can also lead to worries and anxiety. Be careful of possible misunderstandings."

• Thoughts
  • Actually I'm not currently that focused on tasks and goals. I was excited about it earlier this year, but I haven't been able to get that experience back to surface now. On the other hand my goal is to find a psychotherapist. Indeed, it takes a lot of space in mind and creates worries and anxiety. 
  • I was thinking earlier today how it feels like the reality is missing something. "The spark", but I can't quite put my finger on it. Meaning. But maybe it's the lack of goals. It feels like things are more meaningful when there's some reason why you're doing it. Otherwise things feel like waste of time, I'm not going forward, I'm not helping the progress of anything, even though at the same time I want to be as free and independent/uncommitted as possible in my actions. The flame of motivation is lit inside of me, but somehow it's super weak. I'm fallen to the ground, but my legs are too weak to get up, so I just lie here watching landscapes. The same landscapes are getting boring. 

Reflecting:

My first thoughts about this were like "BOOOORING". I don't want to reflect about this any deeper, this is not interesting, this is not new, this isn't mystic or exceptional. But these things were the things that came up and are related to what I'm experiencing, thinking and feeling currently, so I'll be open minded about this. 

What thoughts do you have about a fight?

Anxiety, fear. I don't win fights. My opinion isn't meaningful. I submit externally, but the storm stays internally. I'm not being heard and understood. I'm alone, there's no one on my side, everyone is against me. I'm vulnerable. I'm not feeling safe. I want to escape. Defenseless. Anger. You won't hurt me. 

What thoughts do you have about growing leaves?

The beginning of new. Birth. Life. Hope.

Trodden grass?

Not valuing life, same old patterns repeat. Same paths. Routines, tradition.

Emptiness?

Meaningless. Emotional abyss, mental black hole. Dementor. 

New ideas?

Fascinating. Sometimes too much of them, can't focus on all of them. Still never enough. Desire to find something groundbreaking. I'm not looking for a short cut that would allow me to avoid the work, but I need guidance. This tarot-thing just suddenly came to my mind. It wasn't 100% new idea, I've been thinking something similar before. But this is a great idea. Even though I now need to push myself to invent questions and I feel like I'm bad in this. But in generally this opens a window into my mind and helps me to look what's in there. Of course I can look for solutions at the same time, but maybe the first priority now would be to just look, to observe. 

Different/differing thoughts and opinions?

Fascinates, but they're also a threat. I want to understand. Sometimes maybe change, but mostly understand. 

Why a threat?

It makes me feel like I'm not understood. Not the fear of being wrong itself, but the fear of being wrong without me realizing it. That I'm blind to my own stupidity. In that case there's no chance to grow. 

Why the desire to grow?

I want to see and understand the reality and myself more clearly, but as holistic as possible, deeply. Now I feel like I'm playing a game that has a complex and long rulebook, but I haven't even seen the book. Everything feels difficult, the information is hard to find. 

Disconnection?

I can't put my finger on it, but I don't feel connected. It feels like I was walking in a real-like dream, but something significant is missing. I'm not right or in a right place. I'm nut fully connected in myself or anything else. I'm in my thoughts, but not fully in there either. I have the other foot in my mind, in thoughts and the other foot in reality. I'm not fully anywhere, I'm not fully anything. It feels like I'm not genuinely myself, but in a way I don't even know what would it mean to be myself. I've lost the touch to my personality. I've been trying not to be me so long. At the same time I need grounding to the surroundings and deeper connection to myself. 

Inner conflicts?

At some point I was thinking/came to the conclusion that several things that are seen as contradicting, necessarily aren't. For example, sadness and joy are seen as opposites. Why? It doesn't make sense to me anymore. It sounds like saying lasagna is opposite to the rice. It's just different. 

"Stand up, fight for it, act now"

Empowering sentence/state of mind that I haven't been experiencing in a while. When others are saying it, it feels like underrating, because I lack the self-efficacy.

What makes you experience the lack of self-efficacy?

Sometimes it feels like everything. It feels like it's reflecting itself into everything and from everything, keeping itself alive. I.e. "I can't clean up/keep my home tidy" --> The home is not tidy --> It looks like I can't keep my home tidy --> It verifies that I'm not able to do it. Spotting and changing these kind of thoughts is difficult. How can I  believe a a different claim, if my actions and environment speaks otherwise and how do I change my actions if I don't believe I can do it? This is an important question. 

• Small things that are still challenging enough
  • But how do I find such things? My thought seems to be really black & white in this context.
    • OBSERVE YOUR ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS

(I don't believe that I stay on surface on my own without assist. That's why I cling on to everything so hard and put all of my hope to it. And if/when that is taken away, it feels like all hope is gone and I feel like sinking again, drifting without direction and aim, in place without any change)

Fighting pt. 2 --> If you won fights, what would it feel like? Why? What would it tell you about yourself?

My fights or "fights" are typically related to something I experience, feel or think. If I sometimes won, I'd feel understood, heard, that my opinions and feelings matter. That I matter. That also I have the right to feel good and I wouldn't always need to change myself so others wouldn't feel so uncomfortable. That I don't have to hide my feelings, because they're too much, over reacting or not logical to others. That anger would also be accepted feeling and it could be talked about without a fight. That it could be dealt with instead of trying to not let it come to surface. Somehow constructively. Without shouting. 

(!!!) When someone shouts, it's scary. But it's also oppressive. Now you shut up and listen. My voice is heard, not yours. My voice is important, not your feelings. Shouting says that I'm not listening and I don't want to listen or understand. That is what it feels like. *

"Winning" would feel like I'm worthy. 

***

* New insight to possible reasons why I freeze in situations where someone shouts. I've tried to find answers to that question so freaking long. Now I even didn't try to find the answer. It just came up. And now it seems so obvious. I'm impressed. 

***

Total time meditated this year: 22h + something

[Rainy Sparkle]

I feel like I might have some subconscious judgements about people/things.

My emotions aren't aligned with my thoughts.

I've always felt that I'm not understood so I developed the want to be the one that understands. But there's so much that I don't understand. It frustrates me. I try bypass what I'm feeling about something to see something from another angle or to understand something I find hard to relate. But I don't realize that I'm still having my emotions coming through. I'm trying to think in a way I don't find true in an emotional level. That creates contradiction, which is exhausting, annoying and confusing.

I consume online conversations I already know I disagree. I feel already triggered when I start reading them. It doesn't matter what I'll be telling myself at that point, because my emotions have already decided how I feel about it and what is my 'inner true opinion' about it. What is really happening is me giving fuel & justice to some buried anger, not opening myself up to new opportunities to understand more.

[Rainy Sparkle]

I don't know. I feel like I have nothing important/meaningful to write. I feel somehow stuck. So I'll just write without any goal and probably without common thread to see if it helps. 

There's been a lot of anxiety lately. I don't know if it's because there's been so much going on and is because of the stress or if it's something else. At the same time I got more energetic while it's been sunny and warm. Odd combination once again. Last week was hard to my cognition/memory. I completely forgot stuff and meetings and it created even more stress. And self-disappointment. 

There's been more "social confusion" lately. Not sure if it's because there's been more and more variating social interaction lately or because of my social insecurities coming more on surface. I've had hard times understanding or expressing joking that's not obvious and sarcasm. It feels like I've been completely blind to some hidden "I don't say this seriously, I don't literally mean what I say" cues and started talking seriously about the topic. Or then I've recognized that I got some odd feeling about something and start to think that "ohhh, maybe this is the case where they're not being serious", try to continue the topic joking as well only to find out that this person wasn't joking this time. Or when there's insults that are just jokes and I try to involve myself in it, I end up sounding weird even though everyone else was laughing to similar things seconds before. 

It feels like I kill the fun only by existing somewhere. 

I've also heard that I sometimes come off as rude or abrupt when I try to express myself being thankful or when I feel like soft and warm in my head. Also I've been in situations where my excitement is read as being angry.

It feels so odd that my emotions are so strong, but somehow I seem to lack skill to express the "positive realm" inside myself completely around people. It's almost like my "social face" only has "no emotion" and "negative emotion" modes. I don't know why I'm so afraid of letting go of holding back my goofiness, excitement, joy, happiness etc. When people meet me first time, they get completely wrong image of me. That I'm quiet, serious, down to earth, mean, have minimal to zero inner life, stable, calm etc. It's not only that my image of myself is different, it's also that people have pointed out that I am completely different than the first impression they got from me. But at the same time, so many random people often engages in conversation with me. Not like daily basis, but it's not uncommon.

I'm on my guard all the time. I'm constantly scanning my environment. I'm sensitive and I get hurt easily. People have mocked me about that. People have used that against me. I feel vulnerable. I don't trust people to not hurt me one way or another. That's unfair preconception.

I'm starting to feel like thinking about this right now is waste of time. I mean, yes writing about this helps to see more clearly what thoughts I currently have in my mind, but I'm not going anywhere with this. I know that these kind of thoughts exist and I feel like I'm just repeating the script of mind that I've read thousands of times, not really contemplating or seeing what's going on. Not understanding the meaning of these thoughts. And I don't know if it's true or if it's just me being so demanding to myself. The feeling of not being good enough. 

***

Total time meditated this year: 23h18min

Books read/listened this year: 4

[Rainy Sparkle]

I've been feeling anxious and miserable since yesterday evening. Some of my self-judgmental emotions & thoughts got to the surface with memories of some situations where I've felt the same way. I felt like I'm terrible person who can't take into account others. I felt awful and guilty of not being able to show respect, thankfulness and excitement for others. "I'm self-centered piece of s*it, I don't deserve anything good from others, because I'm not able to give anything good to others myself. It is not right to need, expect or want to be treated in a good way, because I'm such a failure as a human myself. Why am I the same I don't want others to be?"

I was talking about this to my boyfriend. I just needed to. I was afraid. I was doing some work before to get my emotions back to surface, but I was terrified. I felt like losing control, I wasn't able to stop my voice cracking, I wasn't able to stop tears flowing from my eyes. I was ashamed. But I told what I feel, what thoughts I had. And nothing bad happened. He wasn't mad at me. He didn't shout at me. He didn't say I shouldn't feel the way I feel. He didn't try to "fix" my emotion to something "better". He just hugged me, and I felt accepted. I felt accepted and loved the way I am. I didn't even realize it before writing it now. 

But today, the shadow of anxiety has lingered on me. I've been short-tempered and got frustrated easily. I tried reading one book I have from library, but it is written in a weird way and I had trouble understanding the connection of the words. I got angry at the book. I THOUGHT THAT YOU WILL HAVE SOME QUESTIONS TO CONTEMPLATE BUT I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

I felt like I want to meditate, but at the same time I felt like I'm in the state of mind where I'll get frustrated and angry about it too. I need to calm down and listen to myself - blablablablaaa yeah right, as if. But I took my headphones, went sitting on sofa, put on some instrumental metal, closed my eyes and just listened to it. I was sinking into thoughts a lot, but what's interesting is that they were somehow new. They were related to things I feel when I'm alone/around people and how I feel about myself in those situations.

One song was more than just something in background. Mental images filled my head and I felt the music, instead of just hearing it. It was chaotic and destructive, but at the same time "evilly satisfying". I was dancing in chaos in my mind.

For some reason, I started to think about "1 minute." The potential of one minute. The urge to test what I could do in 1 minute got so strong that I was distracted from my meditation back to this reality.

I felt anxious, but I took my "put my life together"-note book and set timer to 1 minute and started testing. After a while I wanted to look back and flip through the note book. I felt sad about it. Maybe disappointed too. I realized it's been almost a year now, when I got this strong inspiration to actually put effort to fix my problems for good. The first page said "DONE, not perfect". I read it somewhere and thought I want to put it in the first page to remind myself that this notebook is not meant to be tool to satisfy/dissatisfy my perfectionism, good hand writing or order isn't the priority of focus. It was also supposed to be a reminder to my general life attitude. Nothing is ever good enough, I am never good enough, there's problems and something to fix everywhere. I exhaust myself with this mindset. The next pages had mind maps, daily hour wheels, morning/night routine planning and reflection about it. I could remember how excited, inspired and determined I was at that time. I was in a snowball effect and things were getting better.

But that didn't last. Now I don't feel like anything's changed. It's all the same. I chase for a fix to the same problems, answers to the same questions that I've been looking for all my life, since I was a kid. I don't know which one makes me feel more sad, that kid being already so lost, or me being still that lost kid. I'm so busy chasing the answers to how to live a life that I actually forget to live it. I'm so obsessed to problems and issues and finding solutions that I don't see good things that already exist. It's not that nothing ever changes, it is not that 'I' never change, it is my attitude towards experience in general that doesn't change. I need to feel this or that to live a happy life. The happy life is always something that's not possible now because it needs something that I don't currently have in my life, because I'm not happy now. That statement is true for me in my current experience (representing my current feelings & beliefs of my reality), but it doesn't actually make sense. Why am I even trying to be happy, if according to that statement I won't ever be able to be happy anyway? I believe that I am able to be happy. These thoughts need some work, there's an issue. And here I am again, finding problems.

***

Total time meditated this year: 23h58min

Books read/listened this year: 4

Edited July 5, 2022 by Rainy Sparkle

[Rainy Sparkle]

I'm still feeling anxious. It's not extremely severe, but that feeling being constantly present makes me feel like I'm suffocating. My mind feels clouded and foggy, thoughts are not flowing.

There's too much I need to remember all the time. It creates stress and overload. Easy answer to this is to just use calendar. I've been asked several times why I don't use one. But it's not like I've never tried it. I try it from time to time. It doesn't help anything if I don't end up a) writing everything in the calendar b)remember to look at it. 

Sometimes it frustrates me how these kind of simple things are so huge obstacles. I mean, it sounds so simple. It sounds so simple that it's hard to even understand how it can be any kind of problem in a first place. But it sure doesn't feel that simple and easy. 

I feel like I'm a jar full of marbles. There's no space for new marbles, but they keep coming. And every time, something drops and rolls somewhere out of the jar, out of reach.

My mind is stuck in a traffic jam.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Nothing important to write, so I'll just drop update on meditations here.

Total time meditated this year: 25h47min

[Rainy Sparkle]

I just realized that I'm gatekeeping happiness from myself. 

I've created an idea, an image, a thought of what it means to be happy. I'm telling myself what I can and can't feel & experience to be happy (in other way, to be a representation of that thought I have created). Therefore it has come impossible to me to tell myself I can be happy now, or whenever. If I have tried saying that, it feels like a disgusting lie. I don't believe it. 

But if I have another thought and it's about a past where I have never been truly happy, it means that according to that thought, I don't believe I actually even know what it is like. So why on earth I would create any limitations to that? "I don't know what it is, but it is not this and that". 

I wish not to forget about this insight, it feels important. It feels like a get out of jail free card. Thank you.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Two observations.

There seems to be connection between the reality and my mind.

The patterns in interaction in reality and in my mind are similar.

Total time meditated this year: 27h35min

Books read/listened this year: 6

[Rainy Sparkle]

Being on phone while doing something else = (Telling myself that) I don't value the activity in question enough to give it my full attention

Doing too many different things simultaneously = (Telling myself that) I don't value/respect/care those activities. I don't want to invest in them, I want them done (fast).

Splitting tasks into smaller manageable tasks = Teaching myself that I can complete a task. Giving clarity to what to do instead of freezing. But also a change to slip into multitasking. 

What are the differences of multitasking and task splitting? How do I recognize them? How to avoid? Why to avoid?

[Rainy Sparkle]

Just dumping my thoughts.

I saw a lot of dreams last night. I don't remember almost anything about them, but in one dream I was walking on a road that was flooding. That's all. The road, the flood and walking in it. I don't know the reason, nor the emotion. Was I afraid? Or feeling brave? Was it accident or decision? It felt meaningful. Was I trying to save myself or someone else, where I was going and why? I was somehow determined in my movement. Running away or trying to reach?

The road and walking on it is not an uncommon element in my dreams. Which is not weird per se, since I actually walk a lot. If I extend it, some kind of path is not uncommon. It can be a tunnel, or some kind of passage inside a building. I'm always going somewhere or trying to get away from somewhere/something. Trying to find something or solve a mystery. What is interesting, is that every time I remember any kind of path as an element in my dream, I find that somehow meaningful. Why?

The flood is kinda new element itself. But if I expand that, having some kind of issue combined with the path/walking is not uncommon. But the thing is, I don't remember was the flood issue in my experience. It could have been a good thing. What if it was an path of wisdom and not obstacle? For example. I find water so powerful. Water is inspiring. It wasn't necessarily a threat. 

[Rainy Sparkle]

I'm afraid of responsibility, commitment and failure. They are all connected.

The bigger the risk of failure the more I avoid responsibilities and commitment. Committing itself is a risk.

Why I don't believe in myself? I feel like I've got nothing to give, I'm useless. Someone else is anyway always better at this. It's better that someone with more skill does it. 

Urghh. I'm feeling anxious. I'm going up and down so fast. Everything is pointless and nothing will ever change vs I'll reach the sky & beyond. But if I don't give up now, I'll exceed myself. I'll make a crack to some limiting beliefs. Maybe even break it for good, who knows. I don't need to think about weeks, months, years right now. Day by day, moment by moment. What can I do today, what can I do now to move forward?

***

Total time meditated this year: 27h57min

Books read/listened this year: 6

[Rainy Sparkle]

When you feel like some is acting disrespecting/hurtful towards you and when they say things like "But it was meant to be helpful for both of us/you", it feels dismissive. It feels like you've being told that you shouldn't feel bad, because my intention was good and as long as my intention is good, it doesn't matter if I'm acting hurtfully. 

Keep an eye to your own thoughts of that kind. There probably are some.

***

Total time meditated this year: 28h15min

Books read/listened this year: 6

[Rainy Sparkle]

Total time meditated this year: 30 hours

Books read/listened this year: 7

***

Dear teenager Rainy Sparkle,

I am crying as I write this. By telling this, my intention is not to say that what ever I'm feeling now is more important than what you're feeling. But if that's how you feel about it, it's okay, and I understand well why. I just want to tell that I've understood that it is okay to show emotions, it is okay to cry. I'm here to tell you that you will get through everything. It is hard to believe. You're living in a hell, completely alone. I am so sorry that I abandoned you. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me most. I was the only one you had, but even I turned my back on you. I understand why you hate me. I understand why you're so angry at me. And it's okay. What I did wasn't right. I suffocated your inner shine. I suffocated your dreams, all your inspiration. I suffocated you. I never appreciated your talent, your passion or the depth you had in you. I see it now. There's a lot I could learn from you. You are being more true and more authentic than I am. You are closer to the truth than I have ever been since. You're just lost and so alone.

I hope you can forgive me, but the path is yours. It's about your emotions and not mine. You have the right to be angry at me. I don't want to force you to change how you feel. But whenever you're ready, If you will be, I'm here. I understand that it's hard to trust me after all things I've done and said to you. You don't have to prove me anything. You don't have to prove me that you're valuable and that you deserve love. It is me how needs to prove you that you're valuable and lovable as such. That you can be loved unconditionally. Because I do love you. 

[Rainy Sparkle]

Total time meditated this year: 35 hours 30 minutes

Books read/listened this year: 7

[Rainy Sparkle]

I've been crying a lot lately. It's like I've rediscovered some emotional layer in me, that I've been trying to deny and destroy, but only managed to hide somewhere deep. It feels so empowering and liberating to just let all that emotional pain come out. See it, feel it. Be present in it. Not all crying has been from pain, it comes from love, too. 

On 17.8.2022 at 5:57 AM, Rainy Sparkle said:

I just realized that I'm gatekeeping happiness from myself. 

I've been thinking about this lately and I've come to a point where putting happiness as end goal feels pointless and limiting. At least the way I see it now. I see everywhere statements such as "Don't try to be happy, be happy". And I see the first part of it. But whenever I stop to think about it and ask myself, overall do I consider myself to be happy, the answer is no, I can't say that. I can't find the overall happiness from my experience. Having happiness as my goal, I'm creating baseline and/or contrast to the present moment, because I start to rate how good my life is based on how close I am that happiness instead of just seeing what is. No matter how well everything is in my experience, it's never well enough because it didn't make me happy. What that even means? Do I have to be happy?

I'm having a hard time verbalizing my experience around this. It almost sounds like I'm seeing happiness as some kind of bad thing now, but that's not exactly what I mean. 

Through all my life, I've held a belief that even though I'm not happy now, I can be happy somewhere in future. It's been my dream. I want to do everything I can to be happy. It's been necessary for my survival. It's been my driving force. Even though everything is collapsing now, it doesn't need to be that way always. 

But right now, I'm standing in a place where that mantra has lost it's meaning and become limiting. It's feels empty, pointless rule. I'm on an edge of letting go of that, and boy it feels scary. I have fears, what if I lose every meaning in life? What if I push myself to a dark place for eternity? What if I lose my will to live, what if I lose my enthusiasm? I feel like that's all I have. It's been my purpose in life, to become happy. It feels like letting go of that leaves me with nothing. No purpose, no meaning, no goal, no (figurative) solid ground under my feet. It feels like letting go of it is like destroying everything I've build. And I I have to start again from beginning. Still, it feels like the leap I need to do. 

***

She's walking in the darkness

Blindfold tightly on her closed eyes

She opens her eyes, but still

Sees nothing

The ground beneath her feet

Vanishes

And she falls

She falls and falls and falls

Into never ending void of darkness

And nothingness

Oh, how I wish I could tell her

That she is the light

Oh, how I wish I could show her

That she's not falling

Because she can fly

***

Total time meditated this year: 37 hours 30 minutes

Books read/listened this year: 9

[Rainy Sparkle]

Some days ago I wrote in my diary this:

I feel bad about myself. -- I'm aware that it is some kind of emotion now and not the truth. I just want so much that I'd feel good with myself and I've been working on it, but why it most of the times feels like there's no progress? Life goes on, everything is well. But why do I always feel this way? Or do I?

With that question, I started to acknowledge the change that in that moment I had some kind of twisted vision of my reality. I might have recognized that there's something weird with my thought "always", which triggered the question. I've since that observed my emotional flow differently. It goes high and it goes down, several times a day, every day. Not news. But when I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good and see the present and look into future with optimism. When I'm feeling down, I look in past, but only focus on times when I've felt down. Today I'm feeling bad. Yesterday I was feeling down. Every day I've felt this way. --> I'm always feeling this way. Nothing is changing.  There's growth in both mindsets. The growth is more visible in positive mindset. There's growth. Everything is constantly changing. I'm not always feeling down. Remember. 

***

Total time meditated this year: 41 hours

Books read/listened this year: 9

[Rainy Sparkle]

• I'm looping. My thoughts, actions, everything loop on repeat. 
• When I'm at gym, I don't think who I am or what I am like.
• Certain limitations might increase creativity/imagination by forcing you to come up with creative solutions.
• Some thought/association paths are interesting and surprising.
• Started to have thoughts of meditation being boring and/or waste of time. 
  • Heightened clarity of how I use my time
  • Decreased "mystical experiences" during meditations
  • New layer of inability to relax and to let go of things that "needs to be done" encountered
  • Main area of interest of growth and development shifted
• I treat everything as individual projects and not ongoing systems

Total time meditated this year: 46 hours 30 minutes

Books read/listened this year: 10