Journal about my inner chaos and my journey of trying to make sense of it

[Rainy Sparkle]

I feel like there should be some kind of clear direction where I’m going with this journal or with this post but there’s not. I don’t even know what’s the best way to make a starting point. There’s so much going on within my mind and I feel like I lack the ability to filter out what’s important to focus on. Oftentimes it feels like I’m randomly jumping to a different pages of catalogue. Back and forth. Oh hey, it’s the same page again for the fifteenth time. I’m losing track. If it even ever was there.

I’m nervous and anxious. Am I going to do this right? Is there right way to do this? Is it useful at all if I just bathe in my thoughts mindlessly without clear intention of why I’m doing it? Maybe I’ll find it out later. I don’t think that should be stopping me from starting to write down my thoughts and journey.

Writing a public journal wasn’t a big deal for me when I was younger. I used to have a blog where I wrote about my thoughts, feelings, and mental health problems. I wrote about those things using beautiful, figurative words and language. Even today, I don’t feel like it was because I wanted to romanticize shit. I did that in my personal diary, too. Well, of course that might be a defensive thought and I was in fact doing exactly that. However, for now, I feel like it was my tool to deal with those things. Gate and a pathway to put my inner world into words.

But then, some people relatively close to me found out about my blog. I don’t remember how I found out that they actually were guys I knew. They anonymously commented mean things to my writings. I tried not to care about it, but I felt bad. Their intention was to hurt me, and they thought it was fun. I’ve later heard that it started from a stupid idea and that those guys were bitter for me. Whatever the cause, I ended up stopping writing publicly at some point. I’m scared of it. I’m afraid of all the possible judgements I might get. That I’m stupid, making stuff up, seeking for attention and whatever. I’ve been accused of lying because I’m too open about stuff. I’m afraid of that I’m still going towards closing myself in even more. That doesn’t feel right to me. So maybe that's one of the reasons I'm doing this. 

Sometimes I feel like people are toxic spikes. Why it seems so that people are so mean to each other and get mad about whatever reason someone else does or is. There’s massive amount of hate going on towards everyone and everything. That makes me feel all kind of things. It makes me insecure, defensive, mad, angry at myself (because I’m having negative thoughts towards other people), sad. I wish I could heal all these people. I feel like everyone has so much pain and wounds inside. And I feel like so many don’t even admit it to themselves. Why am I seeing suffering everywhere? Is it really there, or is it only my own toxic perception about the world and people? Am I only reflecting my own suffering?

I’m aware that my thought process goes a lot with how I “feel like”. I feel like I’m addicted to my feelings. There it is again. Lol. If I try to wear out my habit of looking everything via emotions, I feel like (Really now??) nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel attacked when someone points that out. I’m defensive about my feelings, whatever they are. I admit that I’m identifying too much with my feelings, even when it’s not beneficial to me at all. But what else there is to identify myself with? Someone would probably say that you shouldn’t identify with anything. But why there is this intense craving and longing to be able to identify as being something or someone?

I feel like a void. I feel like I’m an empty and infinite void. I feel like I am, but I don’t know who or what I am. There’s always been this lack of bright sense of identity. Even though I have this weird sense of self, and all these things I attach vaguely to it, it still feels similar to any other feeling at the end of the day. It feels like all there is in my reality is just an infinite loop of feelings and if those feelings are taken away, there’s nothing else left. Literally, not figuratively. Not even me, because that’s a feeling too.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Current time meditated this year (total) : 5h30min

-          I have noticed that the days when I meditate are easier/lighter than the days I don’t. Those days still don’t feel great, and they still feel challenging to manage through. Normal stuff still needs a lot of effort. They are just lightly more effortless and less challenging.

-          I am thankful for my relationship. I’m also thankful that it creates a safe place for me to be and heal instead of being seedbed for my toxicity to grow more. Of course, I am still relying on this situation to hold up my wellbeing. I still can’t stand on my own, but I feel safe to learn.

-          I have constant and distracting desire to be aware how much time has passed when I’m meditating. I realized that this desire is actually present with almost everything I do.

-          I have this feeling of someone seeing me all the time. Silently observing and judging everything I do, think, and feel. It’s never taking part; it just is there. It makes me feel awkward about myself even when I’m alone. The feeling has been there as long as I can remember.

-          Some time ago I was watching clouds at the sky at night. The clouds formed an image that looked like lips. The cloud lips seemed to get bigger and bigger and getting closer to me. It might sound weird, but I got this feeling that it wanted to say/message something to me. The feeling got me scared so I went back inside, but I’m still wondering what that situation was trying to tell me.

[Rainy Sparkle]

- Meditated with music

- Was constantly ”scanning” bodily sensations and lapsing to thinking

- Sensation of temperature changed from cold to warm to cold etc

- Body felt remarkably heavy at times

- Felt that weird sinking sensation, like I was sinking but inwards

- Physical-like feeling like someone/something was pulling out “soul” from body but it was stuck

- Feeling of inspiration

- Vision about women drumming and dancing around the campfire in dark reddish forest. They were looking at me and inviting me to join with their fingers. Then the forest was in fire and the women were backing away into the flames laughing, still inviting me to come

- Vision about me kissing myself. The other me didn’t have colored hair like I do, and she felt younger

Total time meditated this year: 6h11min

[Rainy Sparkle]

It’s been a weird day. Not unusual, but weird. My mind and emotions have been very reactive and unstable.

I slept ok. It didn’t feel like enough, but it wasn’t the worst. I saw some kind of vivid dream, but don’t remember it anymore. Hit the snooze button couple of times. I didn’t feel like waking up at all. I felt dull and exhausted physically and mentally.

When I finally got up, I headed out to practice my toxic addiction: smoking a cigarette. While smoking, I called to the ward, where I go for a lunch on weekdays. There had been norovirus last week (thank god I had a flu and didn’t go there), so I wanted to make sure it was already safe to go. The nurse who answered my call was having this joyful tone to her voice. I caught the emotion and so my morning experienced a turn to a totally new direction.

I was in a little hurry, so I was able to meditate only 7 minutes before I had to leave to the bus stop. Damn, this day really has some flow to it, I thought in my mind.

I was sitting in a dining table, trying to mind my own business with my lunch. It wasn’t too hard actually. Food tasted okay and I was hungry. It was until someone almost choked. That honestly threw me off. I don’t know why it had such strong effect on me, but I was tensed, anxious and in tears. Couldn’t finish my lunch.

It washed away with a little time. I got home and watched some YouTube videos while chatting with a friend. Ate a little. Yes, it’s totally normal to eat only bolognese sauce, because taking also the pasta pot out of fridge and scoop some pasta to my plate was just too much effort, okay? I keep telling myself such things now and then. Whatever, so I eat at least something. Really want to figure out how much of my issues are actually because of my poor eating habits. Dealing with the weight increasing during the process needs mental work.

Did the longer meditation with music. Started to watch Leo’s SD purple video. Didn’t go trough the whole video. Noticed that I seem to have a lot of purple values? All that magical stuff. I don’t know a lot about the system yet, so I think it’s better not to draw any conclusions yet. But interesting note regardless.

My partner sent me a message that he’ll stay late at work. Felt disappointed.

Currently I’m feeling relaxed and somehow still a bit stressed at the same time. What the weird combinations of emotions do I have, indeed? I hope I won’t stay up too late tonight. Sleep is good.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Fell asleep around 3 am. I’m incredibly tired even though I slept about 7 hours. Well, I had my alarm at 9 am, but I just couldn’t get up, so the last hour wasn’t full sleep. Was dreaming about enlightenment stuff. Can’t remember anything else.

Went through some hard emotions and thoughts last night. Wish I had recorded my self-talk. Maybe it comes back to my mind later.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Thought/s from Tuesday morning while I was waiting a bus.

Bright sunshine
So joyful
It brings me to tears

Clarity
Clear as crystal
Vivid colors
I’m turning off the greyscale

Everything is perfect
In this moment
Even the freeze
That tingles on my skin

This moment is eternal
And with that
I am one

Total time meditated this year: 7h20min

[Rainy Sparkle]

So… I’m feeling a bit weird now. In a good way. I decided to do evening meditation because I felt a bit nervous. I put on some shamanic drumming playlist from Spotify and closed my eyes. I only meditated 8 minutes and I felt this connection to the source of my inspiration open.

Didn’t turn the music off.

At first, it was this basic “Oh I could maybe make some tea, tidy up a bit and vibe to this music at the same time.” But I started dancing. I didn’t “tidy up” at all, but still ended up “doing chores” more than I have done lately.

I was free of my normal task-oriented way of seeing everything. I got absorbed in my “chaotic” focus that rapidly jumps from a thing to another. It was fine it that moment. It felt liberating. I took things in my hands, danced with them like they were part of my performance, part of me. Maybe it might have taken minutes at times to put an item to “it’s place” but there was no rush, no goal to complete. There was just me and my dance. Continuous dance. It felt natural.

Then I took that candelabrum (works with batteries) in my hand. With no doubt I turned it on and turned my dance into a lightshow. I turned off the ceiling lightings. I danced with a light in my hands, seeing how the light also danced on the surfaces. It was magical.

At some point it hit me. I was continuously moving in a timeless space. It almost felt like I “was controlling” the time. Can’t really express that feeling better. There was no time, the movement was time. Different paces of the movement, which was still only one movement. There was no borders or gap between different actions or movements. Being still was just “a part” of that same movement. There wasn’t right or wrong movement. There was just movement. And I was that movement.

The whole of my being was more and more ecstatic. My senses were deepening, and the experience was getting more immersive. At the same time the borders in between what was me and what was an object was fading out even more. The experience and all parts of it (visual, physical etc.) were still happening from the same point of view than usually, nothing changed in that way. But the sensation wasn’t drawing a clear line between me and the object. There was still me and there was still objects, but I was united with them, like my fingers are united to my hand, or like my hand is united to my body. Yet again hard to explain. It was kind of similar than the experience with the movement. 

As I’m writing this right now, my experience is not as intense and immersive anymore, but it hasn’t completely vanished. Words feel too tight. They feel like too small boxes that are not giving credit to the experience.

There were thoughts. They weren’t absent but they weren’t as demanding for attention as usually.

I found a shopping bag from the floor. It had a text “Things that make you smile” on its side. Looked inside. There was nothing. And I smiled. Nothing made me smile. Ha-ha. :-D

I need to dance more.

Total time meditated this year: 7h28min

[Rainy Sparkle]

6-month goals/personal development + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be a person who expresses love & kindness
  • Random acts of kindness
    • Make a list of actions you could do
    • When you do something, bathe in that joy it gives you
    • Be thankful for that opportunity
  • Say thank you more often & be mindful why you are doing that
  • Catch yourself spilling aggression or other kind of negative emotions in your messages
    • Admit it
    • Think about what aspect in yourself triggered it
      • Remember to be kind to yourself ♥ Try to observe, not judge or blame
  • Be aware of your tone when talking
  • Focus on your inner talk. Notice when you are being rude to yourself.
  • Smile : )

 

• Be a person who takes care of their environment & surroundings
  • Buy/make a mini ashtray
    • Place it somewhere, from where it is taken along when leaving
      • YOU NEED TO SEE IT
  • Put a small trash bag in your pocket
  • Be mindful of your actions around your home
    • Take a note when and why you engage “messy behavior” like e.g. leaving cabinet doors open or piling used clothes somewhere
  • Do at least one thing every day that will help you to do a chore later
    • You can do more if you feel like it, but don’t force it. It will only make you overwhelmed and drains your motivation. Stick with the flow.
  • Create the atmosphere/ambiance that you wish to have after your house is clean and sparkling. Dim the lights, put nice music, light candles, make tea. You can have the vibe without cleaning like a fanatic first. ♥

 

• Be an artist/create more art
  • Make your environment inspiring
  • Make your art tools easy to access

 

• Go to psychotherapy
  • Do research of possibilities
    • Write them down
  • Think/write about the things that you wish to be solved with the help of therapist
  • Self-reflect on your own meanwhile
    • Write down knots/walls you encounter and are not able to get through
  • Eat well
    • Will be a goal in different category, so I’ll leave it as a short mention here

 

• Read/listen at least 10 books from start to finish
  • Create 4 different lists that will make it easier to start reading/listening in certain moods
    • English audiobooks
    • English written books
    • Finnish audiobooks
    • Finnish written books
  • Put 5 books in each list that are most appealing to you right now
    • When a book is finished or ditched, adjust the list
  • Put visual triggers in your environment
  • Reminder! You can read even though you haven’t finished the list thing yet! It’s meant to be a tool to make choosing easier when you struggle with that, not main thing to focus on or a rulebook.

[Rainy Sparkle]

6-month goals/health + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be well hydrated/drink water regularly
  • Place water bottles/glasses in several different places in your home
• Be a tea enthusiast
  • Think about the vibe: write down what kind of situations you would like to add drinking tea
  • Make your tea stuff easy to access
  • Experiment with different teas you already have --> No need to buy more at this point
  • Find a recipe for matcha
    • Write it down & place somewhere visible
• Be well rested
  • Practice relaxation
  • Observe the habits that are influencing your sleep (+, -)
  • Write down your beliefs about sleeping/issues
  • Think about realistic ways to enhance sleep
• Physical well-being
  • Do at least one yoga pose/stretch daily
  • Every time you go to smoke a cigarette, walk down the porch stairs --> you can sit afterwards if you like
  • Take a walk in nature at least once a week --> It can be as small as 5 minutes
  • Put your therapy/massage balls somewhere visible
• Be able to take care of personal hygiene without effort
  • After you have flushed the toilet, wash your hands. It feels good, trust me.
  • Place your toothbrush visible
  • Organize your clothing cabinet differently
    • Make comfy clothes easiest to access --> this will make it easier to dress after showers/in morning
  • Write down nice associations related to showering
    • What you need to do to make those things easier to approach?
  • Put one of your hairbrushes in bedroom
• Eat well
  • Make a list of foods that are easy to eat/cook
  • Make a shopping list of foods that would be beneficial to have around and accessible any time
  • Place your fruit basket on the kitchen table
  • Make at least one harder meal in a week
  • Visualize and plan “fancy dinner times”. Make it special. Make it enjoyable.

6-month goals/family & romance + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be more present in the relationship
  • Value your time with your partner --> put your phone away occasionally
  • Spend more time together
    • Plan date nights
      • Write down any ideas
      • Ask from your partner what they would like to do
• Express love and kindness more with thoughtful actions (not only with words)
  • Write down any ideas that come to your mind
  • Look more into eyes
• Find out how to deal with sexual frustration/high sexual drive
  • ??
• Work with jealousy and self-worth/self-esteem
  • ??

6-month goals/fun + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Find your passion and fun in life
  • Write down things you like to do
  • Write down things you’d like to try
  • Write down things that might be fun, but are out of your comfort zone
  • Do at least one thing from each list

6-month goals/career + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be a student again
  • Write down the steps needed to get yourself back on track again
    • Prioritize them
  • Book an appointment with your tutor teacher
• Find your life purpose
  • Practice dreaming
  • Reflect your values

6-month goals/financial + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Save money
  • Write down the reasons
  • Write down where you are spending your money now

6-month goals/spiritual + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be spiritual person with spiritual life
  • Practice being present in the moment
  • Be more mindful in everything you do
  • Learn about shadow work
  • Learn about chakras
  • Experiment with different meditation techniques
  • Meditate at least 3 times/days a week
  • Learn to pause yourself during days and ask what you are doing/thinking right now
  • Try focusing on your breath shortly at random times
  • Journal about gratitude

 

Notes: These lists look huge. There might be too many steps for a month, even though some of them are fairly small. I’ll see how it goes and learn from any mistakes I might have done now.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Went through some emotions. Wrote down my inner talk while it was happening. I'm okay now, just tired.

"I have hard emotions again. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm overthinking minor things. Actually, I don't even know what I'm thinking. It's a mess. I just feel this emotional pain pouring from somewhere. It feels like a black void in my stomach/under my chest. I'm anxious. I feel like I'm a horrible person. I feel like I've done something bad. I'm on the edge of starting to cry, but it feels like it's stuck. It won't come out. I'm afraid of it. I can't handle that much pain.

In addition to those minor things, I saw something that brought some of my old traumas back to surface. I feel guilty. It's my fault. I should have known better. I deserved that. I deserved all of that.

I know I'm ruminating. I don't know what else to do. Ruminating is better than hurting myself. I need to make a survival plan for these situations. Maybe that would help. I want to run away from this feeling. But there's nowhere to run. I can't escape it. The feeling will follow. I can't do anything else than just float in this pain.

Focusing on my breath is not helping. It's making me more sad. Ok, I'm crying now. It's weird. My emotions are so strong right now that I'm not even able to understand why I'm feeling like this.

I'm calming down now, but I'm still anxious. I'm feeling down. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm angry at myself. And I feel bad that there is anger towards me. I don't feel understood. I don't feel accepted. I need a hug. I need to know that I'm still worthy. I'm crying again. It's me, always forgotten and hated little girl inside of you. Don't hate me. Please. I love you, why don't you love me back? I want you to see me, hear me. I'm here. I'm right here. I need you. Don't leave me alone. I'm fading back into shadows. And then you can forget me again and go play happy. Ignoring me, you bastard. Yes that stupid little crybaby went hiding away. It's your anger talking. Hello. I don't care if you hate me, I hate you back. I hate all of you. Well okay, if I'm truly being honest: I'm broken, I'm bitter. I know that you try to understand the pain and the sadness, but you don't stand me. You try to deny my existence. I'm not worthy to you. No matter how hard I shout, you just shout back. I know, I'm a hard one to you. I'm not like your shiny and and ah so nice image of ideal you. You have always neglected me. You have never listened what I have to say. I can misbehave and cause trouble. I understand that you don't like that. It's reasonable. See? I'm trying my best. I'm not that angry at the moment. Because you are listening to me. Don't deny me. I need you too. And you need to acknowledge me."

[Rainy Sparkle]

Gratitude/Saturday

• I'm grateful that there's been different options to choose what to eat
• I'm grateful that a friend was willing to share some tips
• I'm grateful for the music
• I'm grateful that I made the goal list (it forced me to look things from different perspective)
• I'm grateful for (nice) home
• I'm grateful that there hasn't been a lot of pain in body today
• I'm grateful for the light and darkness
• I'm grateful for the fresh & clean water
• I'm grateful for coffee
• I'm grateful for communication

Gratitude/Sunday

• I'm grateful for the discussions with my brother
• I'm grateful for the food
• I'm grateful for the snow/snowing
• I'm grateful for the meditation
• I'm grateful that I'm able to play osu!
• I'm grateful for the clean clothes
• I'm grateful for the clean dishes

Gratitude/Last week

• I'm grateful that I have had opportunity to say thank you to random people
• I'm grateful that I have had opportunity to be nice/help random people
• I'm grateful that I was able to help my boyfriend
• I'm grateful for the Sun
• I'm grateful for the joy I've experienced
• I'm grateful for the hard feelings I've experienced
• I'm grateful that I've had some insights
• I'm grateful for this experience of life
• I'm grateful for writing
• I'm grateful for the feelings of gratitude

Gratitude/Last month (January)

• I'm grateful for continuing meditating after a break
• I'm grateful that I've been safe
• I'm grateful that my home didn't burn
• I'm grateful that I've made people laugh
• I'm grateful that I've had courage to do some things that are scary to me
• I'm grateful that I've enjoyed life
• I'm grateful that two friends texted me (I haven't been talking to them in a long time)

***

• Place your fruit basket on the kitchen table
• Put one of your hairbrushes in bedroom
• Place your toothbrush visible
• Make your tea stuff easy to access
• Place water bottles/glasses in several different places in your home

***

Books read/listened this year: 2

Total time meditated this year: 7h28min

[Rainy Sparkle]

I have assumed it's obvious, that past and future don't exist in this moment in any other way than just as thoughts, feelings, visions etc. The thought about what has been "past experience of this moment" or "the thought what could be upcoming experience of this moment". But it never is nothing but this moment. It never was anything else nor it will never be anything else. Every moment is this moment. This moment is timeless and ongoing, not just a fragment in a timeline, if it's looked beyond words and the way I/mind need/s to cut time and reality into pieces to make sense of it.

I don't feel like I've had any objectively great insights of ultimate truths about life. I just think and feel a lot. I'm a slave for my feelings and thoughts. That's why I'll fall into assuming, that something I think I'm aware of is actually false, and that I've possibly had some fake insights that are actually fundamentally comprised of fiction.

But lately, I might have made a mistake by assuming (yes, well that's actually mistake already) that I am understanding something completely wrong. It is possible, but if I delete this particular assumption that I've misunderstood "this moment" and that my understanding should change someway, many many many things won't be so incomprehensible anymore.

However, I cannot let go of this uncertainty. I'm not sure. There is this possibility that I just want to sculpture the information to be something that looks like the understanding I already have. That's easier than changing deeply rooted beliefs, and the mind really is good in it's trickery game.

Anyway, I was listening to this audiobook about presence, and this topic about "this moment" came up. I noticed how my resistance increased and how the muscles in my body tensed. I was slightly irritated. Surprisingly though, all of that went away, because only a moment later it was described exactly like I understand it. Either I have never understood anything wrong in a first place, or I'm now understanding wrong the explanation in that book. Or then my understanding is so shallow, that I don't actually even understand what I don't understand or what I think I understand. This is confusing and I am confused. I'm overthinking it and I shouldn't be thinking about it in a first place.

I can't figure it out. I'll must admit, my mind likes problems and solving puzzles. It downright loves them. But it seems to be pure craziness to throw a ball to it, say that it needs to find out that the ball is actually a square, not a ball. But it's a ball and not square. The mind will confuse, it will go blind and not see what's directly in front of it.

I don't know if I'm anywhere near to the truth or not. But suddenly I realize that it doesn't make sense to try to understand it with thinking. I just need to be present.

[Rainy Sparkle]

Today I have done 2 meditations. First one was only 2 minutes long and I did it standing. Almost immediately after that I did another meditation with music, sitting. It was 51 minutes long. It ended up being emotional. Now I’m exhausted.

• There were some thoughts happening. I don’t remember all of them, but there were two, that I still somehow remember
  • There was some kind of thought about “shapeshifting mind”
  • There was a thought that I can’t not focus. Like the focus is always on something.
• Some song started, where was a woman voice humming (like “ooooo-ooo-oo”, not mmmm-mmm)
• I got immersed in that sound. It sounded like a lullaby
• Suddenly, intense feeling of safety filled me. There was sadness too, and I started crying. There was this sadness and a comfort at the same time. I felt loved and protected. I felt calm.
• Some external distractions happened, and I lost my focus on them
• At first, I was a bit irritated and frustrated, because I felt like I couldn’t regain the calm state of mind again
• Then I started laughing. There was nothing funny. I was just laughing. I wasn’t able to identify the emotion, but it wasn’t amusement.
• After laughing for a while, I focused on my breath. I didn’t feel anxious about, but free instead. It felt somewhat like I was breathing a first time ever. It felt natural, not stuck anywhere or heavy.
• Safeness came back. I have never felt that kind of safeness before. It was something completely different.
• Sadness came back too. I started crying again, but I felt calm at the same time, again. I felt nurtured and emotionally nourished, like I was being embraced by fully unconditional love.
• Couldn’t locate the source of it, I was surrounded and filled with it.
• I’m not able to describe it well. It wasn’t joy, it wasn’t satisfaction, it wasn’t happiness. It felt like I will be supported by it, no matter what will happen, no matter what kind of feelings there are.
• I don’t know if this is a feeling that is familiar and normal to everyone else. For me, it wasn’t.

Books read/listened this year: 2

Total time meditated this year: 8h21min

[Rainy Sparkle]

So, I don’t know what exactly is going on, but it feels like my mind is becoming overactive. There’s so many thoughts coming out all the time, that it’s hard to keep up with all of them.

During January, there has been improvement in the general mood. There are several things that might be associated.

• Getting back on track with taking my vitamins
• Getting back on track with taking my meds for epilepsy (They’re said to be mood stabilizers too)
• Being occasionally able to sleep enough
• Slight improvement in eating habits (Been trying to eat more & enough, haven’t focused too much on quality yet)
• Meditation
• Noticing when I’m in a good mood regardless of tiredness etc.
• Noticing when I’m procrastinating and when I’m not
• Trying to focus on what emotions and why I’m having when some bad vibes kick in

I’m not all sunshine and sparkles all the time. My emotions are far from being stable at the moment. But it feels like my baseline mood is a bit higher. However, there is this fear lingering around me. I haven’t ever stayed in this kind of positive mindset long. They have always been short phases. Maybe not so wise to be worrying about something that is not true right now, but there the fear is anyway.

***

There are still problems with energy levels.

***

There seems to be short mood highs some time after meditation.

• That feeling is addictive

***

I was thinking about my sleeping issues yesterday. It feels like I wasn’t safe during nights. Tv, phone, lights make me feel safer. There is typically anxiety while going to sleep/before going to sleep. Sometimes there’s a clear reason what’s making me anxious. Sometimes there’s stress about not getting enough sleep/the need to wake up at some specific time. But sometimes there’s nothing. No constant worry disc spinning in my mind. Thought process there still is.

If I’m able to go with the flow of the thoughts and close my eyes, I might be able to relax and fall asleep, but not always. The problem here is that I usually am not able to get myself to that point easily. It feels like I’m super alert. It’s like there’s a switch in me that goes on and sends a message: “Okay! Time to be on guard now!”

***

I was going through emotional breakdown last night. I made some plans with a friend. I was excited. They ended up canceling the meeting after a long wait. I was disappointed and tearful. Tried to escape it with gaming, but the emotions were so strong I couldn’t focus properly. I felt annoyed having such strong reaction to a minor thing like that. Later I calmed down a bit and was thinking that it’s actually good thing that I’ve been crying a lot recently. It feels truer to me and it’s good that my emotions come to surface.

I was tired, so I nestled in bed next to my boyfriend. He fell asleep and the anxiety crawled back to me. I dived into the world of tiktok.  Strong waves of emotional pain and sadness went through me the whole night. Morning came and my boyfriend left to work. My emotions blew up. It was hard to let me break down that way. Judgmental voice and conscience tried to step out and shift the focus towards someone else and their feelings. But it wasn’t about them now, it was about what I feel. It was time to not neglect my own feelings now “because someone else might feel x and y and I understand them”. I gave myself the permission to feel whatever I was feeling.

It was painful but purifying. The more I cried and the more I felt, the lighter I felt. I realized that I’m attached to an illusion, to a wish that is not there and might have never been. I realized that there isn’t any reason to hang on to that idea anymore, there’s nothing left. But I’m not ready yet.

I felt the emotional presence of “child me”. The one to whose emotions my current emotions identified/related. And I felt empathy towards her. I was so sad for her. I just wanted to go to her, hug her, hold her, comfort her. I wanted to say that I will be there, we’re going through all the pain together. And I said to her, that when she’s ready I’ll be here, waiting her in the present moment.

(I feel like I sound crazy :D)

I knew there’s a light inside of me. It’s dim, but it’s there, no doubt.

When I was done with all of that crying, one thought was going to occur: “I guess it’s good that the plans got canceled, this might have ruined the whole night.”. However, mid-thought I was filled with realization that it indeed was a good thing, because now I was able to go through all of it. And I felt thankful for that.

It really is a good thing, that my emotions are beginning to come to the surface. I’m still nervous, because it’s hard and exhausting to go through all of that, and I’ve only touched the top of an iceberg now.

***

Some other thoughts

• Increased clairvoyance clarity, but I’m feeling more connected, not more detached
• Why haven’t I ever noticed before, how beautiful the winter is? I’ve been admiring it a lot lately.
• Thoughts about accepting the present moment & manifestation

Edited February 2, 2022 by Rainy Sparkle

[Rainy Sparkle]

Goals

• Create 4 different lists that will make it easier to start reading/listening in certain mood
• Find a recipe for matcha
  • Write it down & place somewhere visible
• Every time you go to smoke a cigarette, walk down the porch stairs --> you can sit afterwards if you like
  • I have done this occasionally, but not every time. I had a reason why I was thinking this would be a good small step, but I've found out, that it feels pointless when I'm doing it. 
  • New thought: Practice going out without a plan to smoke and see how is that working.

***

Meditation experiences

• Saw (eyes closed) a "blacker than black" dot moving upwards, after that a white dot moving upwards. 
• Mindfulness eyes open
  • I was drinking coffee. I saw my hands lifting the mug, it coming closer to my head and then there was a taste of liquid and coffee in my mouth. I don't know how to explain that. It was like there is this visual thing and suddenly there's physical thing "out of nowhere"
  • I was dragging my hands on carpet. It felt weird, because I couldn't say only by looking if my hands really were touching the carpet or only hovering on top of it. There was only the physical feeling of the touch.
• Chakra meditation/singing bowls
  • Strongly dazed feeling. Went away later during meditation.
  • Got immersed in my thoughts, then heard clear echoing voice (like whispering in echoing microphone). It said "Get back".

***

Some nights ago I had a dream where I died. There was some kind of "war" going on. Exploding buildings and shooting people. I was let go alive by one shooter, but later I got shot by someone else. I was able to realize that I died before I woke up.

***

Books read/listened this year: 2

Total time meditated this year: 13h 31min

 

Edited February 10, 2022 by Rainy Sparkle

[Rainy Sparkle]

I've been mostly doing household chores lately. Took one of my empty bullet journals and dedicated it only for my to-do lists. I also started to do my clothing cabinet organization process, but it seems to be hard because there's so little space.

Colored my hair. I wanted to do something "brave" with it. I've been dreaming of split dye for a long time, but I haven't had courage to do it. Well, now I did. The shade difference isn't big though. I'm thinking of adding a bit of blue to the violet side to try to make it stand out a bit more.

Otherwise it's been kinda basic days. Mood varies a lot. No new insights or anything like that. 

Books read/listened this year: 2

Total time meditated this year: 15h 22min

[Rainy Sparkle]

Some days ago, I was commenting a topic on a social platform. It was a casual question: “How are you doing right now”. Someone wanted to pm me. We were having casual conversation. At some point they asked me am I female/male. Honestly, this was first time I thought that maybe this person doesn’t want to just casually chat. But there was no other indicator than that (obvious to me at least) and I’ve seen it is common to ask about gender online because people just want to know. After I told that I’m a girl, they replied that they were thinking that, but asked because me talking about games made them unsure. Ah okay, confusion was the reason. I was stressing out for no reason. I asked the question back and said that it doesn’t really matter to me what their gender is. They said that they are male. He was also wondering why the gender doesn’t matter. I couldn’t understand the real question behind those words so I only answered “Why would it matter?”  I didn’t mean it as defensive question, but to get more details because I was confused.

Anyway, the chatting continued for some days. Suddenly he dropped me a long sexual text out of blue. Zero sexual/romantic/etc. talk beforehand. I know that this is the point where I should have said something. I couldn’t do it right away and the person had time to ask new casual questions and I didn’t want to ghost or anything, so I just replied to the new topics. Then he asked that when are we going to meet. Direct question, easy to give direct answer. I was just sad, because for some reason they seemed to assume that we had something going on and that we were going to meet at some point? (Because “when”, not “do you want to meet”). I must have done something that led to that assumption, but it’s a mystery to me. I never said I’m looking for company. The other person didn’t say that at the beginning either. Ofc, I apologized that I had managed to make a wrong impression and that I understand if he doesn’t want to chat me anymore. He didn’t.

And now I’m once again one girl more who deceived a guy thinking that there could be something meanwhile the truth was that there wasn’t going to be anything. I just want to understand what I am doing or saying wrong, so I could maybe stop doing that. I find it weird, unnecessary, and awkward to start every conversation with people with words “oh hey btw I’m not looking company or anything”. But from my point of view, it looks like this is the problem. It’s always me not saying it directly even though no one even asked. Is it really that weird to just socialize without romantic/sexual intentions? Am I at fault assuming that without mention, the socializing is just socializing? I wish people were clearer with their hidden agendas. Including me, obviously.

My social skills suck. Sometimes I just feel like I should be able to read thoughts to be good at social situations/social reading. It’s uncomfortable to be analyzing and guessing all the time. People don’t typically say what they think. They have a thought process “thought 1 -> 2 -> 3” and then they say 4. If I assume that we are talking about “4”, I might go wrong and there will be confusion. Asking makes people defensive or totally closing the whole conversation. Some people refuse to give clarification and go being like “nothing, forget it”. I get it yeah, I’ve felt and probably said that too when I’ve been frustrated and mad in middle of hurtful conversation/fight. But why does that happen in middle of peaceful, casual conversation? What happens in people’s heads when I ask “What do you mean”? Is there more gentle way to ask for clarification?

This is not going anywhere. Same thoughts I’ve had too many times looping in my head. It’s useless. Main feeling/thoughts behind all of this: I’m just anxious that I’m doing my part in making people bitter. I don’t want to spread negative energy around me, but that’s what I do.

Books read/listened this year: 3

Total time meditated this year: 18h 12min

[Rainy Sparkle]

On 29.1.2022 at 1:07 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

Be a person who expresses love & kindness

• Random acts of kindness
  • Make a list of actions you could do
  • When you do something, bathe in that joy it gives you
  • Be thankful for that opportunity
• Say thank you more often & be mindful why you are doing that
• Catch yourself spilling aggression or other kind of negative emotions in your messages
  • Admit it
  • Think about what aspect in yourself triggered it
    • Remember to be kind to yourself ♥ Try to observe, not judge or blame
• Be aware of your tone when talking
• Focus on your inner talk. Notice when you are being rude to yourself.
• Smile : )

I haven’t done the list of actions. I have tried to focus on other things listed here, but there haven’t been massive breakthroughs, so I’ll probably keep the list like it is for the next month also. Perhaps add some single tasks?

On 29.1.2022 at 1:07 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

Be a person who takes care of their environment & surroundings

• Buy/make a mini ashtray
  • Place it somewhere, from where it is taken along when leaving
    • YOU NEED TO SEE IT
• Put a small trash bag in your pocket
• Be mindful of your actions around your home
  • Take a note when and why you engage “messy behavior” like e.g. leaving cabinet doors open or piling used clothes somewhere
• Do at least one thing every day that will help you to do a chore later
  • You can do more if you feel like it, but don’t force it. It will only make you overwhelmed and drains your motivation. Stick with the flow.
• Create the atmosphere/ambiance that you wish to have after your house is clean and sparkling. Dim the lights, put nice music, light candles, make tea. You can have the vibe without cleaning like a fanatic first. ♥

I’d say that this part of the list turned out to be very successful. One tiny pill bottle became empty, so I took it to be the mini ashtray. It is in pocket of my jacket. It’s winter so I don’t use other jackets now, so that way it will be always with me. I need another solution later.

I have been trying to notice when engaging in messy behavior. I haven’t noticed it every time, but sometimes I’ve caught myself immediately or short time after. Sadly, the “why” part hasn’t been thought of at all.

And then the cleaning part. I feel proud that I kept up with that every day for a month! My home is not clean now, but it doesn’t matter because that wasn’t my goal, but to teach myself to do something every day instead of massive cleaning days that doesn’t help to keep the house clean. Most of the days I did very little, but there were days I did a lot more. I even came up with a new to-do list “habit” that’s been really useful. With those to-do lists I’ve noticed when I’m setting too big task. It stays untouched very long, I feel anxiety looking at the task etc. The task needs to be so easy I could do it immediately.

Creating the vibe was something I did occasionally.

I’d like to keep the three last things in here next month. Perhaps add some single tasks here too.

On 29.1.2022 at 1:07 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

• Be an artist/create more art
  • Make your environment inspiring
  • Make your art tools easy to access
• Go to psychotherapy
  • Do research of possibilities
    • Write them down
  • Think/write about the things that you wish to be solved with the help of therapist
  • Self-reflect on your own meanwhile
    • Write down knots/walls you encounter and are not able to get through
  • Eat well
    • Will be a goal in different category, so I’ll leave it as a short mention here

Pretty much untouched. Some thoughts, but not real actions. Will stay the same next month.

On 29.1.2022 at 1:07 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

Read/listen at least 10 books from start to finish

• Create 4 different lists that will make it easier to start reading/listening in certain moods
  • English audiobooks
  • English written books
  • Finnish audiobooks
  • Finnish written books
• Put 5 books in each list that are most appealing to you right now
  • When a book is finished or ditched, adjust the list
• Put visual triggers in your environment
• Reminder! You can read even though you haven’t finished the list thing yet! It’s meant to be a tool to make choosing easier when you struggle with that, not main thing to focus on or a rulebook.

List done. Visual triggers still needed.

On 29.1.2022 at 5:17 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

• Be well hydrated/drink water regularly
  • Place water bottles/glasses in several different places in your home
• Be a tea enthusiast
  • Think about the vibe: write down what kind of situations you would like to add drinking tea
  • Make your tea stuff easy to access
  • Experiment with different teas you already have --> No need to buy more at this point
  • Find a recipe for matcha
    • Write it down & place somewhere visible

At first, I only put water glass/bottle at my desk and on the living room table. I wasn’t sleeping in bed at that moment so there was no need to have one in bedroom. When I moved back to the bedroom, I brought a bottle there. I also filled one to stay in kitchen. At some point I began to forget to refill them, but I found the system being helpful. I just need to learn the refilling habit some way.

On 29.1.2022 at 5:17 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

• Be well rested
  • Practice relaxation
  • Observe the habits that are influencing your sleep (+, -)
  • Write down your beliefs about sleeping/issues
  • Think about realistic ways to enhance sleep
• Physical well-being
  • Do at least one yoga pose/stretch daily
  • Every time you go to smoke a cigarette, walk down the porch stairs --> you can sit afterwards if you like
  • Take a walk in nature at least once a week --> It can be as small as 5 minutes
  • Put your therapy/massage balls somewhere visible

There’s been thoughts related to sleeping, but not real actions. Stays as it is for the next month.

At least one stretch/yoga pose daily done. I’m not sure yet if I’m keeping this as it is or changing it somehow for the next month. Didn’t take walks.

Walking down the porch stairs now is something interesting. I developed a habit. I decided to ditch the task at some point, because it felt forced and pointless, but I realized afterwards that I’m still doing it sometimes without thinking.

Adjustments are needed in this list.

On 29.1.2022 at 5:17 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

• Be able to take care of personal hygiene without effort
  • After you have flushed the toilet, wash your hands. It feels good, trust me.
  • Place your toothbrush visible
  • Organize your clothing cabinet differently
    • Make comfy clothes easiest to access --> this will make it easier to dress after showers/in morning
  • Write down nice associations related to showering
    • What you need to do to make those things easier to approach?
  • Put one of your hairbrushes in bedroom
• Eat well
  • Make a list of foods that are easy to eat/cook
  • Make a shopping list of foods that would be beneficial to have around and accessible any time
  • Place your fruit basket on the kitchen table
  • Make at least one harder meal in a week
  • Visualize and plan “fancy dinner times”. Make it special. Make it enjoyable.

Most of the single tasks related to hygiene done. Brushing teeth increased. For unknown reason brushing hair is increased too. Washing hands increased.

I need to adjust eating goals somehow. I got overwhelmed when I was trying to do these.

On 29.1.2022 at 5:17 PM, Rainy Sparkle said:

6-month goals/family & romance + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be more present in the relationship
  • Value your time with your partner --> put your phone away occasionally
  • Spend more time together
    • Plan date nights
      • Write down any ideas
      • Ask from your partner what they would like to do
• Express love and kindness more with thoughtful actions (not only with words)
  • Write down any ideas that come to your mind
  • Look more into eyes
• Find out how to deal with sexual frustration/high sexual drive
  • ??
• Work with jealousy and self-worth/self-esteem
  • ??

6-month goals/fun + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Find your passion and fun in life
  • Write down things you like to do
  • Write down things you’d like to try
  • Write down things that might be fun, but are out of your comfort zone
  • Do at least one thing from each list

6-month goals/career + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be a student again
  • Write down the steps needed to get yourself back on track again
    • Prioritize them
  • Book an appointment with your tutor teacher
• Find your life purpose
  • Practice dreaming
  • Reflect your values

6-month goals/financial + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Save money
  • Write down the reasons
  • Write down where you are spending your money now

6-month goals/spiritual + actions I can do in next 30 days

• Be spiritual person with spiritual life
  • Practice being present in the moment
  • Be more mindful in everything you do
  • Learn about shadow work
  • Learn about chakras
  • Experiment with different meditation techniques
  • Meditate at least 3 times/days a week
  • Learn to pause yourself during days and ask what you are doing/thinking right now
  • Try focusing on your breath shortly at random times
  • Journal about gratitude

Most of these are mostly untouched. I need to figure out if they can be expressed differently to make some of them to be more specific. Especially the spiritual goals are really vague.

[Rainy Sparkle]

What happened to March and almost half of April? Where did the days go? Were they even ever there?

But honestly, I've been floating in disgusting slimy bubble of negativity. That is too harsh word to use, because it's not been that bad in my head. I just don't know what else to use. It feels like I forgot all the words all of a sudden. I just haven't been doing "anything", that anything being taking care of my apartment or myself, keeping up with habits like meditation etc. But of course I have done something, I haven't been only being and doing nothing. And even that would be doing something in a way. I'm falling into a stupid word play again. 

I am negatively defining a lot now, I see. But actually, defining those definitions as being negative is negative defining too. I lost the track, where was I?

I was sick at the beginning of March. Pretty rough that it still affects my daily life. It doesn't exist anymore in my current life, it's only a thought in my head, yet I see the damage it did. It was about a week. A WEEK! One week threw over a month out of it's place. Blaming the week and the sickness about my issues now seems irrational and foolish. Of course it is not that simple. But it's just easier to say it that way since it was the beginning of the chain reaction which I have been unable to stop. There just haven't been mental strength to do anything about it and steer to the opposite direction. It only needs a tiny tiny push and I would be on a right track again, but I couldn't do it.

I was told that it's not rational/smart/something to "just wait for the perfect moment", but what else is there to do than wait if there is no strength to make the push? And in a way, why I even should? Aren't I supposed to embrace it with acceptance? I'm having confusions over this. It's either the problem of understanding the meaning of the word or problems to understand the meaning itself. (Associating the world to a right meaning vs. understanding the meaning). So I might be wrong with my conception/mental image/thought of acceptance being more of an neutral manner of an approach rather than synonymous to satisfaction. Acceptance is "not judging" things. "Not judging" is not limited to only defining things as bad, it is also defining things as being good, I think. Maybe "not labeling" would be better phrase to use since judging has more negative aura around it. But I might be wrong again. I see acceptance as recognizing the situation as it is and being in peace with it whether the situation was "bad" or "good". There is no need to change the label from "bad" to "good" to accept it. Acceptance can lead to satisfaction, but the satisfaction doesn't come from the situation itself, it comes from letting go of the need to focus on fighting back with a force, which is wearing. But this is just prediction and I shouldn't make too much conclusions based on these thoughts since I haven't achieved the state of acceptance nor great satisfaction, so basically I don't have a clue what I'm even talking about.

I'm constantly coming back to these thoughts and they are always the same and I hit the wall when trying to understand it differently. It is frustrating. I don't know if it's my frustration or sense that's saying that trying to solve the problem with those definitions shouldn't be the main focus. Whatever it is, something is telling me that instead of trying to solve the puzzle, I should just observe it. Perhaps there even isn't any puzzle to solve in a first place. I easily get stuck to not understanding something properly and that leads to narrow mind that is too "zoomed in" and causes the "not seeing the forest for the trees". 

Am I distracting myself from the real issue with all of this fuss over definitions etc?

I'm kind of questioning everything about my understanding every time I really take time to think and process these things. And it feels like I'm a dumb stone that has 0 brain cells and is unable to understand anything. I used to have sharp mind, but now it feels more foggy and gluey. But I've come many words off track now.

I don't know stupid or not, but now seems to be the perfect moment and I didn't have the need to push or force myself to do something about it. I lived through the partly self created chaos and gaming obsessions. I lived through the terrible sleep cycles and sleep deprivations. I lived through the lack of motivation. And everything fell back to their places by themselves. Yeah, yeah, "everything" is now exaggeration, since I'm talking about the present day and present morning and I've been awake only couple of hours. But it feels like the night is over and the sun is rising. It feels like the end of a cycle and a beginning of a new one. I don't know how long will this cycle last or where it will lead me, but that will be shown.

I fell asleep feeling like a loser, woke up feeling like a winner. I saw nightmares, woke up after two hours of sleep, but fell asleep again pretty fast and woke up after 6 more hours. I slept ~8 hours and woke up early in the morning. Rare gem. The thought came, out of blue. "Today I will meditate". Not "I could", "I might, "I'm thinking of", "I want to", but clear "I will". I was sure that I will do it. And so I did.

I'm ready for the ride, let's go! 

Books read/listened this year: 3

Total time meditated this year: 18h 32min

 

 

[Rainy Sparkle]

I feel tired.

I feel tired every day, every hour. Sometimes less and sometimes more, but I’m tired all the time. I find it frustrating. It really bothers me. Sometimes I try to not care and try to focus on what I’m still capable of doing, but everything feels so exhausting.

I know that I desperately desire to feel energetic and that probably makes bearing the tiredness harder. It feels like my battery is constantly low and I’m in standby mode.

I want to figure out what’s causing this. If it is something I can affect, good. If not, then I need to learn some coping mechanisms to deal daily life feeling like this. I’m just puzzled how to figure out that. It feels like there’s no one that could help, so I’m all alone with this.

I don’t even know how to change my attitude more positive about this, I don’t see any positive sides or benefits in this and even though noticing what I’m still able to do is encouraging, it’s still exhausting and annoying to feel like this constantly.

Books read/listened this year: 3

Total time meditated this year: 19h 28min