Need your help, brother is miserable

[Salvijus]

The point is, nobody here can't even picture the problem properly. Just because he was described as a 21year old, and few other things that he likes, doesn't describe the whole picture. It's impossible to describe it. There's a whole matrix of things happening beyond conceptual level even. Only you can know how to act appropriately in that situation by being in tune and sensitive to the entire soup of things that are happening and adding your own taste to it.

Looking for logical mental answers won't substitude for lack of consciousness. There's an intelligence that knows how to act without thinking. Cultivating this inteligence is your answer to all these type of questions imo. But it's a long term answer. Short-term answer idk. Perhaps there is none.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Salvijus

[Mannyb]

Your best course of action would arise from beyond your understanding if only you would welcome it with open arms and humility. ? ??

[Tim R]

2 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

The point is, nobody here can't even picture the problem properly

@Salvijus I think @Preety_India's answer was really damn close, so she obviously recognized and kew that situation. 

Just tryna learn...

 

[Salvijus]

9 minutes ago, Tim R said:

@Salvijus I think @Preety_India's answer was really damn close, so she obviously recognized and kew that situation. 

Just tryna learn...

 

That's not good enough imo. There are literally infinite number of exceptions to every advice. Even if O was to say "show him compassion" there're like infinite number of exceptions to not do that and when it is not appropriate to do that. How will you logic your way out infinite possibilities? The wise way is to function from a place of intelligence that is beyond thought. But it's a far out thing to say, I know. It's not satisfying answer to your question probably. But I would argue that it's the only answer there is...

Edited January 21, 2022 by Salvijus

[Gregory1]

In a sense you are creating that problem by seeing it as a problem.

Your brother is not you. He is on his own way and he wants to be were he is. Appreciate that difference.

Some people need misery and some people want life to suck a little bit. You love him and that's good. Just let him know that. But also respect his life, by thinking there is something "wrong" with him you are creating that reality.

Your belief that you are "higher" manifests in your interactions with him which repulses him. See him as perfect as he is. Be open to helping him but only if he feels like he needs help / wants help.

Realize that your brother does not need you in any way. If you died tomorrow the world would still keep spinning without you

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Gregory1

[Nahm]

@Tim R

Can’t put something in, without helping to allowing something out first. Your helping must follow his expressing, or it isn’t helpful. 

What might strike a chord with him….

When he’s not expressing the frustration, and acknowledging and understanding that he is experiencing pessimism, and boredom… he isn’t experiencing the orientation & understanding of returning to contentment… but other people are, and when he meets them, he will lose. He will have defeated himself. 

Highly successful people are very happy people, because they understand getting out of their own way. He might be thinkin it’s one or the other, that they aren’t one in the same, and resenting “the world”, or others, or you… (but really unknowingly feeling the discord of his own concept & conceptualizing), and not connecting the dots with the frustration, and pessimism from his current outlook / lens / self imposed limited understanding.

 

[Mannyb]

8 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

In a sense you are creating that problem by seeing it as a problem.

Your brother is not you. He is on his own way and he wants to be were he is. Appreciate that difference.

Some people need misery and some people want life to suck a little bit. You love him and that's good. Just let him know that. But also respect his life, by thinking there is something "wrong" with him you are creating that reality.

Your belief that you are "higher" manifests in your interactions with him which repulses him. See him as perfect as he is. Be open to helping him but only if he feels like he needs help / wants help.

Realize that your brother does not need you in any way. If you died tomorrow the world would still keep spinning without you

 

? 

[Salvijus]

This queation can be expanded beyond just your brother to the whole humanity. "how to act in a way that will help others" and there is no logical answer to it really that could be put into a box or a technique. There's no technique. Appropriate uplifting action comes spontanuously when that intelligence beyond thought is cultivated. That's how a sage functions. Yes. You have to become Jesus Christ to help your brother.

? okey I went too far with this one just for fun. But you get the point i think.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Salvijus

[Gregory1]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

I see a ton of similarities between my behavior in general and your brother's behavior. 

And I somewhat gave you similar reactions as your brother did. 

He is showing some rebellious signs that i used to show. 

This could be due to many factors. 

Does he generally feel lethargic? 

Does he have hidden medical issues that he doesn't open up about? For me it was that. 

I always felt like anyone who is trying to help me is trying to lecture me. 

This can be many reasons 

I was the smaller one in the family. I always felt unheard and unloved and ignored by my family. Yet my elder sibling was being considered awesome and valued. This is because of narcissistic parent dynamic and the golden child syndrome that narcissist parents cause. 

Are you the elder sibling (that's what I'm getting from your post)? 

Are you getting special treatment in your family because you know more or do more? If the answer to the question is yes then this could be a huge reason why he acts like that. 

Defensive behavior is often a sign of hidden trauma. Feeling neglected. Feeling ignored. Feeling unloved. Feeling abused. Feeling let down or abandoned. 

If it's not trauma, then it's simply his nature. He could be a bit arrogant. Or simply temperamental and moody. He could be showing early signs of bipolar disorder. They act a bit arrogant, angry, fidgety.. 

Or he could have had a bad breakup with a girlfriend. Maybe he suffered childhood bullying from other kids that's manifesting years later in adulthood. 

You will need to come up with a whole list of causes, conditions and symptoms of his behavior in great depth in order to know where things are exactly going wrong. 

The best suggestion is to directly speak to him, a heart to heart talk and tell him to open up as much as possible so he can dig deeper into his wounds, psyche etc. I know this is hard given his behavior to shirk everyone, but you have to be persistently empathetic around such people to win their confidence. 

It's like dealing with a wild street cat. If you get angry they get angry. You have to be calm and patient and not appear tyrannical, dictatorial, superior, pushy, dominating, "intellectually intimidating", "anxiety provoking," "inhibiting or controlling", lectury or "I know it better than you" attitude. It pisses off such people because they have a strong sense of ego. They are not egotistical per say, it's just that being constantly outwitted or disappointed in life can create an over sensitive defensive ego. 

On the flip side he could be showing narcissist traits. Such people act defensive as well. You can't tell them anything they don't want to hear. 

In any case. Give him space and give him time. People like that crave freedom a lot 

 

Depending on my interactions with you I found you a bit lectury and "I know better" type. This can actually appear invasive to a person who wants to be empathized with, understood and reassured rather than being pointed to or judged. 

Drop some of your own behavior that could be triggering him and make his situation worse than better.. 

Give him a comfort zone. Bond and build trust rather than blame or make him feel "wrong" or "odd". 

 

Such behaviors are often noticed in individuals who come from families who have judgemental parents or a judgmental older brother/sister who fails to bond properly but always comes around to judge

Goodluck 

 

@Preety_India Thanks for the lecture!

No I mean, this was really great insightful post, thank you for that:)

[Preety_India]

@Gregory1 welcome. 

[Kksd74628]

@Tim R

It seems like people don't quite understand the thing you asked

I would advice you to write him letter or long text message where you show him how much you love him and how important he is to you. After that you should calmly point out things that he maybe does not see. Message is good, because it shows the energy, time and effort you used for the person and that alone could melt his heart.

For people with strong self-defence mechanisms it is easier to take advice without having stress to be in situation and when he can read it alone with time it has greater impact to him.

Hope that this compact answer helps someone to make positive impact to someone else's life <3

 

[DManKee]

This is my younger brother word for word. I don't have any advice for you since I'm in a similar situation. I'm sorry for your suffering and hope he gets better.

♥️

[SgtPepper]

I am also in a similar situation with a younger sibling... I think there is a great advice here.

Practically speaking, I would suggest having him see therapy. Not a psychiatrist, but a psychologist/counselor type. 

 

[Kksd74628]

@SgtPepper

Remember that the question is how you get someone receptive enough to listen for advice when there is huge self-defence mechanisms happening. Yeah therapy helps, but how you get him here in the first place is the point.

It's like answering for person who asks where are his/her glasses "put them on so you find them"

 

[flume]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar one with my sister a few years ago. She just got worse and worse and there was nothing I could do but get triggered and try to help her... It was all fruitless.

I took MDMA back then, thought about the situation and realised "Love is letting people make their own mistakes". This really helped me in taking a step back and letting her live her life.

If he's not open to change, there's really nothing you can do, as painful as it seems. Find a way to take care of yourself, feel what you need and just let him know that you're open to help him whenever he's ready.

That's what I do now too. I reach out from time to time to test the waters, see if she wants to open up.

Other than that, I think it's great to just lead by example. He'll realise sooner or later that he doesn't want to live like that anymore... And then he might look around at other people in his life, to see what's working for them.

But I know it's tough, especially when it's family.

Take good care of yourself. Hug!

[Rigel]

Maybe he needs to move out

[Tim R]

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

Can’t put something in, without helping to allowing something out first. Your helping must follow his expressing, or it isn’t helpful. 

When he’s not expressing the frustration, and acknowledging and understanding that he is experiencing pessimism, and boredom… he isn’t experiencing the orientation & understanding of returning to contentment

@Nahm So you're saying that the right thing to do is let him experience these things so that he can find his own way to contentment? 

What exactly do you mean when you talk about "expressing" in this context? His emotions?

6 hours ago, Nahm said:

but other people are, and when he meets them, he will lose. He will have defeated himself. 

I don't understand... When he meets other people who have learned to return to contentment, he will have defeated himself? How is this a game against others in the first place? 

 

6 hours ago, Kksd74628 said:

I would advice you to write him letter or long text message where you show him how much you love him and how important he is to you.

@Kksd74628 I thought about doing exactly that, you have strenghtened my desire to do so. I just hope he sees the Love.

 

1 hour ago, flume said:

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar one with my sister a few years ago. She just got worse and worse and there was nothing I could do but get triggered and try to help her... It was all fruitless.

I took MDMA back then, thought about the situation and realised "Love is letting people make their own mistakes". This really helped me in taking a step back and letting her live her life.

If he's not open to change, there's really nothing you can do, as painful as it seems. Find a way to take care of yourself, feel what you need and just let him know that you're open to help him whenever he's ready.

That's what I do now too. I reach out from time to time to test the waters, see if she wants to open up.

Other than that, I think it's great to just lead by example. He'll realise sooner or later that he doesn't want to live like that anymore... And then he might look around at other people in his life, to see what's working for them.

But I know it's tough, especially when it's family.

Take good care of yourself. Hug!

@flume I had the same insight, that perhaps the most loving thing to do is to let him experience these things - but then again, perhaps the most loving thing to do is to try to help him. But if he really doesn't want help, well.... Perhaps I should do as you did with your sister. It's difficult. 

Dank dir vielmals, dein Kommentar ist sehr berührend?

 

57 minutes ago, Rigel said:

Maybe he needs to move out

@Rigel Maybe, probably. When I moved out I thought "finally free" - and counterintuitively, that only strenghtened my love for my parents and my brother. 

 

[Javfly33]

This is the type of case where psychedelics could be a game-changer.

The problem is first the person must have a little bit of "wanting" to change first. At least 1 little spark.

Tricky.

[Javfly33]

8 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Tim R

Highly successful people are very happy people, because they understand getting out of their own way. 

 

Can you explain more on that? I have read it quite a few times and wonder what you really mean with it ?

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Tim R said:

So you're saying that the right thing to do is let him experience these things so that he can find his own way to contentment? 

What exactly do you mean when you talk about "expressing" in this context? His emotions?

Two questions one answer… the emotional scale. 

He’s experiencing these things and has to find his own way regardless. Blood really does blind. For most it seems getting help from a stranger still constitutes ‘my own way’, but from family, the relationships, memories, bonds, etc, are to pronounced and infringe on ‘my own way’. If it were my brother I’d send a link to the scale but use someone else’s site. 

3 hours ago, Tim R said:

I don't understand... When he meets other people who have learned to return to contentment, he will have defeated himself?

No. There’s an old quote… “When you’re not practicing, he is. When you meet him, you will lose.”

Quote

How is this a game against others in the first place? 

It’s not really. It was a friendly and engaging orange oriented phrasing, albeit slightly provocative to maybe get his attention. Life is supposed to be fun. Some people understand this via understanding emotions, and there’s no competition with those intrinsically happy people, cause everything just works out for them. They aren’t competing. They just get out of their own way and allow. 

He probably has some common beliefs (@21) like life basically sucks because to be successful you have to work twice as hard, and I have to just ‘bury the discord’, etc. Self defeating beliefs. He’s only fighting himself so to speak, his own misinterpretations (mostly conditioning). If he caught wind that successful people don’t work twice as hard, but do understand their emotions, he might take interest in a far more productive & enjoyable, and far less discordant way of interpreting, and he might care about understanding emotions. 

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

Can you explain more on that? I have read it quite a few times and wonder what you really mean with it ?

It’s letting go of how one gets in one’s own way, which one knows entirely already, from how it feels. A general way to say it, holding discordant beliefs / being right, vs being open minded & happy.