Need your help, brother is miserable

[Tim R]

Hello everyone, I need some advice. My younger brother (21) seems to have become a very unhappy and easily irritable person who does not want to acknowledge that there are problems (in his life or (as a result) in the lives of others, i.e. my family), take advice, or even desire to change anything. He seems very tense and frustrated. As soon as you approach him about even the tiniest problem he becomes extremely defensive. In fact, when you approach him for anything else, even if you want to do something good for him, too. He immediately reacts passiv-aggresively and defensively (hope you know what I mean).

This has been going on for years, since he was a teenager, and it has become worse and worse over the years. We have no idea what to do with him anymore and my parents (he lives with them) have basically given up on changing anything, and it really hurts and frustrates them to see him like this.

Me too to be honest, but I find myself at my wits end and unable to help him anymore, especially since he doesn't seem to really want or accept any help. I am very worried about him and I fear that he is already depressed (he sleeps a lot and doesn't seem to find much joy in anything except playing the guitar) or that he could suppress his emotions even more deeply and violently. 

He has a job as a shop assistant (or whatever the english term is for selling stuff in a small store) which he hates because he thinks all the people who come there are stupid and their questions are unnecessary. When he comes home he's always so miserable and irritated... He's studying in his last semester, he says he likes the subject but hates the university (and in turn, his studies, not thematically, but structurally). 

It seems almost impossible to get through to him, except sometimes when very careful and in his better moments.
It is frustrating to watch helplessly how it keeps getting worse and worse every time when I visit my family. Since I haven't lived with them for many years, I feel even more helpless and it breaks my heart to see him feel like he is being denied love and his denying love to my parents in turn.

I don't want to come across as some sort of know-it-all who lectures him (although I'm afraid that he perceives anyone ho wants to help him as that) and wags his finger at him, I want to let him know that life can be good and that people love him, more than he knows.

Help?

[Max_V]

The only way I have found to pull people out of places like that (including myself), is genuinely trying to find something that they're passionate about so that their life has a purpose, not even per se in the LP sense. You said he really enjoys guitar right? Perhaps exploring that deeper with him will give him the boost to start fixing other things. 

[Preety_India]

I see a ton of similarities between my behavior in general and your brother's behavior. 

And I somewhat gave you similar reactions as your brother did. 

He is showing some rebellious signs that i used to show. 

This could be due to many factors. 

Does he generally feel lethargic? 

Does he have hidden medical issues that he doesn't open up about? For me it was that. 

I always felt like anyone who is trying to help me is trying to lecture me. 

This can be many reasons 

I was the smaller one in the family. I always felt unheard and unloved and ignored by my family. Yet my elder sibling was being considered awesome and valued. This is because of narcissistic parent dynamic and the golden child syndrome that narcissist parents cause. 

Are you the elder sibling (that's what I'm getting from your post)? 

Are you getting special treatment in your family because you know more or do more? If the answer to the question is yes then this could be a huge reason why he acts like that. 

Defensive behavior is often a sign of hidden trauma. Feeling neglected. Feeling ignored. Feeling unloved. Feeling abused. Feeling let down or abandoned. 

If it's not trauma, then it's simply his nature. He could be a bit arrogant. Or simply temperamental and moody. He could be showing early signs of bipolar disorder. They act a bit arrogant, angry, fidgety.. 

Or he could have had a bad breakup with a girlfriend. Maybe he suffered childhood bullying from other kids that's manifesting years later in adulthood. 

You will need to come up with a whole list of causes, conditions and symptoms of his behavior in great depth in order to know where things are exactly going wrong. 

The best suggestion is to directly speak to him, a heart to heart talk and tell him to open up as much as possible so he can dig deeper into his wounds, psyche etc. I know this is hard given his behavior to shirk everyone, but you have to be persistently empathetic around such people to win their confidence. 

It's like dealing with a wild street cat. If you get angry they get angry. You have to be calm and patient and not appear tyrannical, dictatorial, superior, pushy, dominating, "intellectually intimidating", "anxiety provoking," "inhibiting or controlling", lectury or "I know it better than you" attitude. It pisses off such people because they have a strong sense of ego. They are not egotistical per say, it's just that being constantly outwitted or disappointed in life can create an over sensitive defensive ego. 

On the flip side he could be showing narcissist traits. Such people act defensive as well. You can't tell them anything they don't want to hear. 

In any case. Give him space and give him time. People like that crave freedom a lot 

 

Depending on my interactions with you I found you a bit lectury and "I know better" type. This can actually appear invasive to a person who wants to be empathized with, understood and reassured rather than being pointed to or judged. 

Drop some of your own behavior that could be triggering him and make his situation worse than better.. 

Give him a comfort zone. Bond and build trust rather than blame or make him feel "wrong" or "odd". 

 

Such behaviors are often noticed in individuals who come from families who have judgemental parents or a judgmental older brother/sister who fails to bond properly but always comes around to judge

Goodluck 

 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Preety_India

[itachi uchiha]

@Tim R they dont know that they dont know and when u give him advise they will not accept it

if u are persistant and patient , teach him kriya yoga from this resource below. its very simple and has a learning curve of  1 week to 1 month

https://www.kriyayoga.com/

kriya yoga is the fastest way to change the mind.80% of the monkey mind will be shut down for 8 hours after a 20 min practice.in other words 80% of his negetivity will be shut down.

but i never could get my brother to practice it. they wont accept it.if u try patiently for  years , maybe he will accept it.

[Tim R]

@itachi uchiha We're talking basic, basic stuff here, nothing spiritual. He's stage Orange through and through.

[itachi uchiha]

@Tim R  does he read books

 

[itachi uchiha]

@Tim R i could not get my brother to do self help even after me trying for years

my mid life crisis lasted for 13 years. now everything looks peaceful. i think the only thing u can do is to help him discover things. there is a saying "u cannot teach a man. u can only help him find it". i was also arrogant in my tough times even though my parents and brother offered a soultion

just do what u can and be patient.

[Dryas]

Why not approach it with a tough love kind of frame? I think it could work if all else has failed. 
 

Tell him that he is being a pathetic looser but also allude to the possibility of change and success. I’m just throwing this out there, I could be wayy off so yea..

[itachi uchiha]

@Tim R by patience i mean take small actions every day to help your brother and do it for years. do not give up

[Windappreciator]

i don't how he was before and what exactly you mean but as a wild guess it sounds like higher empathy in depression

Edited January 21, 2022 by Windappreciator

[Tim R]

43 minutes ago, itachi uchiha said:

does he read books

@itachi uchiha Yes, unfortunately nothing about self help or philosophy, I once gave him the German best seller book on finding the meaning of life, hoping that it might inspire him at least a little bit to reflect on life more, but he hasn't touched it to this day.

31 minutes ago, itachi uchiha said:

take small actions every day to help your brother and do it for years

I live 300 km away, how would you suggest I help him? 

 

@Dryas I'm afraid that he thinks already that he is a pathetic loser, he has some serious struggle with self-esteem. I think telling him that he is a loser would make thigs worse.
 

11 minutes ago, QQQ said:

Would you be able to share a bit more about his interests and daily habits?

@QQQ Well as I said he like to play the guitar (and bass), he studies Economic Law, he works at a small store that sells leather ware (so he has a lot of contact to customers), he meets his friends like once or twice a week (which btw is a huge improvement, he didn't have many friends when he was younger), but other than that, he doesn't do much. He somewhat compromises his health with bad eating habits, he doesn't work out (no, he started to occasionally use a stationary bike). That's pretty much it I think.

[Preety_India]

@Tim R try bonding with him by talking everyday. 

 

 

[Salvijus]

I doubt you'll find your answer like this on a forum. Each situation is unique, and each moment is different. All one can do I would say is to cultivate the wisdom and awareness much higher so that when the next situation comes you will know what to do from within spontanuously out that state of higher intelligence that knows what is the appropriate thing to do without thinking. That would be my 2cents.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Salvijus

[Windappreciator]

Quote

Well as I said he like to play the guitar (and bass), he studies Economic Law, he works at a small store that sells leather ware (so he has a lot of contact to customers), he meets his friends like once or twice a week (which btw is a huge improvement, he didn't have many friends when he was younger), but other than that, he doesn't do much. He somewhat compromises his health with bad eating habits, he doesn't work out (no, he started to occasionally use a stationary bike). That's pretty much it I think.

doesn't sound too bad

what do you expect of him?

Edited January 21, 2022 by Windappreciator

[Someone here]

Maybe take him to a psychiatrist. 

[Tim R]

@Preety_India

56 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Does he generally feel lethargic? 

Clear yes.

56 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Does he have hidden medical issues that he doesn't open up about?

I hope not...

56 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I was the smaller one in the family. I always felt unheard and unloved and ignored by my family. Yet my elder sibling was being considered awesome and valued. This is because of narcissistic parent dynamic and the golden child syndrome that narcissist parents cause. 

Hmm I've thought about that... He is the youngest, but my parents never considered me better than him - but nowadays I feel he might feel that way.

58 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Are you getting special treatment in your family because you know more or do more?

That's diffucult to answer. If the answer is yes, then it is not obvious, at least not to me, but I gotta be careful here with my bias, I might be blind to somet things. I was the first one with pretty much everything (finishing school, leaving home, getting a degree, moving to yet another city, etc.) and I#ve wondered whether he felt kinda secondary because of that. 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Defensive behavior is often a sign of hidden trauma. Feeling neglected. Feeling ignored. Feeling unloved. Feeling abused. Feeling let down or abandoned. 

That is my intuition, but I haven't figured out what migh've caused it - if it is trauma, it wasn't sudden, our parents were always very loving (or at least they tried, there were some traumatic events which I'm still working on for myself).

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Maybe he suffered childhood bullying from other kids that's manifesting years later in adulthood. 

That could be, but I don't know if he has experienced it. It's possible. 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

The best suggestion is to directly speak to him, a heart to heart talk and tell him to open up as much as possible so he can dig deeper into his wounds, psyche etc.

I'd have to seriously prepare myself for that - and if he would ever agree to doing such a thing, that alone would be a huge step.

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

You have to be calm and patient and not appear tyrannical, dictatorial, superior, pushy, dominating, "intellectually intimidating", "anxiety provoking," "inhibiting or controlling", lectury or "I know it better than you" attitude. It pisses off such people because they have a strong sense of ego. They are not egotistical per say, it's just that being constantly outwitted or disappointed in life can create an over sensitive defensive ego. 

Yes, that's exactly correct and I'm trying my best to do that. But that's the hardest part for me because I'm always looking for what he might interpret as condescending etc., even if I'm being totally authentic and come to him with a loving intention.

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

On the flip side he could be showing narcissist traits. Such people act defensive as well. You can't tell them anything they don't want to hear. 

I thought about that too, but I don't know enough about clinical psychology (or whatever) to attest narcissistic traits, but he certainly appear as that sometimes. 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

People like that crave freedom a lot

True that, he always wants to do stuff on his own and not be commanded on anything.

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Such behaviors are often noticed in individuals who come from families who have judgemental parents or a judgmental older brother/sister who fails to bond properly but always comes around to judge

That pretty much hits the nail on the head, our parents (especially my father) is rather judgemental. 

[Windappreciator]

1 minute ago, Someone here said:

Maybe take him to a psychiatrist. 

yea, maybe not.

[Tim R]

6 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Maybe take him to a psychiatrist. 

That would say to him "there's something seirously wrong with you"... 

[Someone here]

4 minutes ago, Tim R said:

That would say to him "there's something seirously wrong with you"... 

But there is indeed something wrong with him.. Doesn't he admit that or in denial about it? 

[Tim R]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

Doesn't he admit that or in denial about it? 

@Someone here Have you read my post bro??