Emotions part 3

[Preety_India]

I'm not keeping well today. 

 

[Preety_India]

Cute gifs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Cute gifs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Post taken from forum

I've been living on my own lately and it's revealed a lot of personal bad habits and addictions that I otherwise would not have easily noticed or handled while living with my family. Weirdly enough, my home state feels like a completely different place since I've spent the last 5-8 years of my 20s travelling the world essentially.

 

But now that I've moved out and know I can survive on my own in a more traditional sense (job, apartment, vehicle, etc.), I don't see much reason to stay in my home town anymore, except to stay close to my little sister, and to hold down the best and best paying job I've had yet.

 

It's hard because I care deeply for my little sister, and it almost feels like I want to be physically close to her almost all the time, or at least not too far from her, but I'm not sure if there's much I can do to help her or guide her until she's 18, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't think I've tried enough. And I have this fear that if I move to Texas, or Colorado, or Arizona, that somehow, her life is going to get worse and I'm not going to be there to help her. Even though she won't be 18 for three years.

 

She's the only reason I'm still staying around. If it wasn't for her I'd be in Colorado or Cali or some place like that. I believe that even though I have a good job where I am now, where the small town I'm living in is limiting my social prospects, my dating prospects, and is making it harder to establish the lifestyle I want to live. Either as a city-dweller, or a nomad. A lifestyle that, thankfully, my skillsets kind of lend themselves to.

 

I believe I can have a good life in my home town in the South if I can just let go of my preferences, the life and people I had back out West and stop trying to base my identity and character and future around a location, but it's really hard for me to let go of that idea because SoCal and Colorado and Texas felt so much more like home, and I love seeing new places and nature, and I spent my entire childhood, teens, and early 20s trying to leave the South because I believed I never belonged there. Partially due to a sheltered and traumatic childhood and teenhood.

Every month I spend away from Cali or my friends abroad, I feel like I'm growing more and more distant from them and those places, and the more they feel like some kind of dream, even though they were the best places I had ever lived. They were amazing, like a different world. Thinking about them actually makes me kind of sentimental.

 

I have a six-month plan to save up money to build up a financial base, gather up some equipment for practising and gig work, and to pay off a debt or two using the job I have now and to spend as much time with my family as I can before taking off again in the summer, but every day my mind bugs and torments me about how seemingly much worse my life and dating options are here, and how I'm wasting time by staying here and am just allowing more time for more things to go wrong and hinder my plans. Even though I could see how I could turn my home state into a base of operations, and I don't really need to move states to do the things that make me, me. Like making music, or writing, or working out.

 

I try going out and socializing on the weekends by going to the major cities or nicest cities within a 1-4 hour drive away from the one I'm in now (which is basically just a depressing parking lot of a city), but it's hard because it seems like every weekend there's something happening or going wrong:

• Bad weather keeps me pinned down
• A family member has passed
• Family drama/crisis
• Family obligation

This weekend I want to go to Nashville or Knoxville and practice game, but I probably can't because I'm trying to get closer with an astranged biological father and half-brother that I didn't get to grow up with. This is important to me, and I'd feel guilty if I didn't, but I get this gut feeling like this is going to become a regular thing here: Sacrificing the only two days off I have for family matters. Matters that don't even include my little sister.

But I don't know. Maybe January has just been a bad month.

It seems like there's always something going on, and I notice that every day I have a million worries going through my head that I can't do jack about during the week, and would rather not worry about during the weekend:

 

• I gotta get my tooth pulled
• I've got to see a dermatologist about my receding hairline
• I should probably work this Saturday to make up for that missed day or those missed hours.
• I've got to text my bio-father and half-brother back so they don't think I don't care about them
• I still haven't wrote that book
• I need to come up with an exercise routine
• Gotta get seat covers
• I still don't know if I should stay or go
• I need to spend more time with my little sister
• I should drop my phone off to get it repaired
• I need to research tents
• I should do this
• I should do that

 

And yet despite all of these exhausting thoughts, I still feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time, and like I mostly spend whatever free time I have on the weekends doing laundry, eating, sleeping, and jerking off to smut, which I think is soul-destroying and makes me into a bitter jealous bigot, robs me of my mojo and self-respect, and that i just need to go someplace where I can practice daygame every day where I'm surrounded by women that I find most attractive.

It's impossible to practice daygame a great deal where I am now because I don't find most of the women that attractive, and like I said, the city I'm in now is largely a parking lot. It's not very possible to walk down the street and meet a different woman every two minutes.

Every day I'm mentally exhausted and running through the same damn script, and I think it's distracting me from just, doing what I want to do. Which is to write, draw, and make music.

 

On the plus side, ever since I moved out, started cooking my own food and eating a little better, and have started just talking to people more directly, telling them exactly what I think and feel and removing any ambiguity, I've gotten drug-free from my CBD, Benadryl, and Caffeine dependencies, and a lot of my more crippling self-esteem and anxiety has gone away for the most part, and my sleep is fixed. Mostly.

Can someone poke holes in my thinking or direct me to a good online counselor or someone who can troubleshoot and debug my mind? I apologize for the brain dump here but I couldn't sleep unless I got this out somewhere

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Initiation

 

—Initiation and planning 

— visualizations 

— vision board 

— clarity of goals 

- creating to do lists 

 

@Marcel gave me an important clue on this. 

 

The first step would be to have a clear goal I imagine and then sticking to the ( changeable ) regiment leading there

 

Important is to have a very clear goal in mind completely free of distraction. And be fully aware of it and be fully focused on it. Keep repeating the goals to yourself. Be very goal oriented. Clarity of goal. 

 

Create a proper layout for the goals. 

 

First know your goals. 

—Lay them out in great detail and not at all vague. Strong clear goals. 

— make a vision board 

— plan and schedule each one of these goals 

— track the progress on these goals. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Motivation

After initiation, motivation. 

— put yourself in a calm state 

— keep encouraging yourself 

— keep repeating the goal in your mind 

— keep reminders 

— create a positive feeling around this goal., create a desire and passion. Also make the task look playful, easy and nice. 

— tell yourself that you can do it, you can make it

— repeat goals before sleeping

— keep intention jars and wish jars and witchcraft spell paper folded neatly, write your goals on this paper and make a wish. Burn the paper. 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Sequencing

— follow a regimen or method and stick to it 

— use the white bead necklace concept 

— use streaks to keep a tab on the regimen. 

— strike out streak bars to know if you are holding well on your habit. 

Use tally marks or hash marks. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Outcome 

— keep a track on your progress, results and outcome. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

10 things to do every morning 

10 things to do during daytime

10 things to do during evening 

4 things to do at night 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So I woke up once again from a nightmare. 

 

This time in the nightmare I was witnessing the murder of school kids. 

When I woke up I noticed that my mother had turned on the TV very loud. 

Loud noises can cause me nightmares. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'd  maintain a tally streak. 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I need to push myself a bit harder. 

I also need to set up a self questionnaire. 

Asking questions to myself and then seeking the answers myself. 

 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I need to push myself a bit harder. 

I also need to set up a self questionnaire. 

Asking questions to myself and then seeking the answers myself. 

 

I'll divide this into two parts. 

Shadow work part 1

Shadow work part 2

 

 

Shadow work part 1 mainly deals with trauma and going deeper into the psyche to find the "why" behind what's happening in life. 

 

Shadow work part 2 deals with asking questions everyday to know more about myself and to develop greater self awareness in general. 

This will be exciting. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Shadow work part 2(for cultivating self awareness) 

 

I should be perfectly honest while answering these questions. 

An example format of the 10 point questionnaire. 

1 What do I generally do with my time? 

Answer =

 

2 

 

3 

4 

5

6

7

8

9

10 

 

Shadow work score = I'll maintain a test score for each set of 10 questions. 

I'll take the shadow work test daily to map my progress. 

A test score will be between 1 and 100. The minimum test score is 10. The maximum is 100.

 

A progress on the test score will depend on the streak that is maintained consistently. 

A dip in the test score will cause the progress streak to be renewed. 

 

 

What will determine test scores? 

 

The general progress in work routines. 

The authenticity in each reply. 

The consistency in taking tests. 

How perfectly aligned each answer is to an ideal situation as per each question. 

 

 

 

 

How will test score be calculated? 

Each question or rather each answer carries a 10 point gradation score. There are 10 questions. So a total of 10×10 = 100 score for the whole test. 

Score for each question will depend on the quality of the answer. An ideal answer that is also honest will carry a score of 7 and above. 7,8, 9 etc. 

A less than ideal answer will carry a score ranging from 1 to 5

No score will be zero for any answer. 

Scores from 1 to 5 are below average. A score of 6 is average. A score above 6 is good.

 

A test score between 70 and 90 is pretty good. Really high. 

A test score between 50 and 70 is average. 

A test score below 50 is a bad score or below average. 

A test score of 20 is marked as failure. 

This is how you will measure score for each question. 

If you think that your answer was really high quality then the score is anywhere between 7 to 9.

If you think your answer is just fine and your progress on that question is average, you give yourself a score of 6 for that question. 

If you think your answer is really poor and not up to the standard you would want it to be then you should assign a score anywhere between 1 to 5 for that question. 

 

Scores will be assigned at the end of the test and then added to give total test score. 

 

How are streaks maintained on the test results? 

I'll maintain two streaks. I'll call the positive streak - progress streak and negative streak as - decline streak or stagnation streak. Two types of streaks. 

Tally marks for progress streak will be vertical. 

Tally marks for decline streak or stagnation streak will be horizontal. 

A line will be drawn across the streak pattern to signal the end of that streak. 

Pretty much like this... 

 

Progress streak. 

 

 

Stagnation streak 

 

 

Format of this questionnaire based test

Answers can be both yes and no and descriptive. 

 

1 how often do you get distracted? 

Answer =

2 how would you describe your mood today? 

Answer =

3 do you have a vision board? 

Answer =

4  how would you describe your progress this week as compared to the last one? 

Answer =

5 do you take breaks? 

Answer =

6 how often do you tend to achieve your mini goals? 

Answer =

7 have you  taken this test daily? 

Answer =

8

Answer =

9

Answer =

10

Answer =

 

Scores for each question 

1   5

2   7

3   2

4   6

5   2

6  9

7  4

8  1

9  4

10  5

Total score or test score = 45

Test score result = below average 

Remember,

Test scores < 50 = below average 

Test scores > 50 and < 70 = average 

Test scores > 70 = high 

 

 

As you consistently take this test, you'll improve yourself on 3 key values 

• Honesty 
• Humility 
• Judgement 

Honesty - in the beginning you may or may not be honest on the test. If you would like an accurate score, then you will need to improve on honesty 

Humility - test will improve your value of humility. You might tend to overestimate yourself initially. But as you progress with these tests, you will need to be humble with your evaluation of scores if you want accurate scores. Humility means you won't be overestimating your scores. For example, if your answer is not good enough, don't be tempted to rate the answer at scores above 6. That's how you will practice humility and slowly improve on it. 

Judgment - you could be overly judgemental of yourself where you constantly underestimate yourself and assign low scores despite making significant progress. Learn to accurately judge yourself and stop constant underestimation if you want to accurately measure your progress 

 

This test will help improve core areas of honesty, humility and judgement. 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So I developed this wonderful test that I can use for my personal psychological analysis, that is to analyze myself 

I call it the shadow work part 2 test. And I'll take it daily. 

My first shadow work (i.e. Shadow work part 1) happened in 2018 where I first discovered the root cause behind my hyper emotional behavior. I wasn't familiar with the term PTSD at the time so I couldn't really place my finger on what I was going through. My next shadow work part 1 (type 1) happened while talking to @Marcel and I opened up about my deep scars (it was very difficult for me because I was stuttering and going blank in the middle of crying and this was the first time I opened up about my scars and wounds to a person face to face but I was struggling really badly while opening up.) so in all I had 2 shadow work experiences (shadow work part 1 type) one in 2018 and one in mid January 2022. 

 

Shadow work experiences are pretty much like psychedelic trips, the difference being that shadow work feels very intense and depressing and very vulnerable, and almost like psychological vomiting, and while psychedelic trips produce insights shadow work on the other hand tends to produce realizations about your past. 

 

[Preety_India]

Coming up with questions for my shadow work part 2 test 

 

How much effort are you putting into developing yourself? 

What are your goals? 

How is your daily progress with respect to your goals? 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcelhun can you please do a favor for me?

Can you come up with some random questions a person can ask themselves in your describing feelings journal? (questions must be related to personal development and productivity). Can you please do it now? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

On it ?‍? 

Thanks. 

 

[Preety_India]

31 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Coming up with questions for my shadow work part 2 test 

 

How much effort are you putting into developing yourself? 

What are your goals? 

How is your daily progress with respect to your goals? 

 

Some more... 

Are you crystal clear on your role and what you should be working on? If not, what aspects aren’t clear?

What specific outcomes do you want more of?

Are you working at the right time for the right projects? 

What sort of time management strategies have you used? 

Are you trying to be more effective (i.e., doing the right things) or more efficient (i.e., doing things right)? 

What 1-3 things would you like to have done (today, this week, this month, this quarter, this year)?

What project, if completed, would likely have the most impact?

 

What could you do to get momentum on your oldest active project?

 

Does the project actually need to be done or is it something you committed to in the past?

 

Is there someone who can help you with this project or who might enjoy doing pieces of it with you?

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Preety_India