When someone asks how you're doing and you have to say fine, but really...

[Yarco]

It feels like there's a little boy deep inside me trapped in a thick concrete box, screaming in agony. And no one else can hear him scream but me. I can't just hear it, I can feel the agony resonating throughout my body.

You know those medieval hell paintings where people are burning and screaming? That's what it feels like inside every day.

There's a black pit in my chest where my heart used to be. I can remember when maybe it used to be the size of a softball. At this point it feels like it's the size of a watermelon. I don't really feel anything any more, it just automatically goes into the pit of despair. It's a constant source of anxiety, stress, and tension.

The only things I really feel any more are numbness, rage, sorrow, and maybe occasionally relief.

I don't remember the last time I was happy or what happiness feels like. Maybe almost 20-ish years ago when I was in grade 7. Maybe there's a more recent time I can't think of. I didn't feel happy on my wedding day or when my child was born. The closest thing I feel to happiness is relief. Like the darkness inside temporarily lifts just a little. Like someone is stepping on your neck 24/7 and they let off partially and momentarily, just so you can wheeze in half a breath.

I think I'm a fat pathetic worthless loser. There's a voice in my head that tells me to kill myself every day. Not like schizophrenia or anything. It's my voice, but it's like a recording that plays at random times, like a compulsion. I can't see myself ever killing myself but maybe if I was less of a selfish coward I would have years ago.

I don't think I can tell anyone how I feel without being institutionalized or ostracized. If I told my partner I honestly think she would say I'm hugely over-exaggerating and blowing things out of proportions, because I've never really said how I felt at all, so all of this would come out of left field. But it's been going on and getting worse for years. If enough people told me I'm exaggerating I'd probably be gaslit into believing it.

I don't think psychology can help me at this point. I would need like 90 days of intense rehabilitation in an institutional setting or something. I don't want to take pharmaceuticals to paint over this. I kind of want to try mushrooms but my partner super disapproves of it. And maybe it would just cause an incredibly bad trip since I would probably be unable to give up control anyway.
There is so much darkness inside of me that I feel like I need an exorcism by a Catholic priest or something more than a therapist. People talk about burning karma, I need to burn out this darkness. There's a lot of darkness there, once you start that fire it's going to burn for a long time.

What I'm describing sounds horrific but I'm so acclimated to it that it's my normal. I can't fathom feeling light and happy and full of energy. At this point agony and paralyzing anxiety is just my baseline, it's like background noise, the bare minimum that I expect to be there.

The weird thing is I feel like this is pretty normal. I'm a relatively well-functioning person in terms of society and success. I bet a lot of people who say they're fine when you ask really feel like this. I think far more people probably feel closer to this than happiness.

[Cathal]

what the fuck happened in your childhood?

[puporing]

Sounds like major depression (though that's just a label, in reality, it is a correct/healthy response to what you went through). 

What helps me is to let it all out somehow, expressing it, maybe writing, music, talking to someone safe if you are up for that (they have to be safe otherwise it might just make it worse, even lot of therapists are not truly 'safe'). I think you need to be seen for those dark emotions somehow, that helped me heal at least. I don't know a better way truthfully.

[Nadosa]

Take your phone away - now. Right fucking now! 

Go out. For yourself. Sit down on a bench. And GO INWARDS. For the sake of yourself! This is your time to shine now! Look at the voice, watch it with compassionate love, feel the pain caused by it, feel it completely, stay with it, forever, be with what is, this voice is, sensations are, this is your reality, this is YOU right here! This is all you! The voice, the sensations, the story about you being unhappy about your marriage or when your child was born, completely own it as your own. Acknowledge you ARE. You ARE soul. Imagine the way it was as a kid. This freedom.

Do this now. Report later.

[Nahm]

@Yarco

For Babe Ruth it was knocking that ball out of the park. He loved it because he was made for it. For me it’s the very exorcism you speak of. Link’s below.  This is not meant humorously. 

[Bojan V]

@Yarco Hey!

It is a hellish life, isn't it?!

You said psychology can't help you. However, it would be good to find a depth oriented clinical psychotherapist.

Only he or she could really be able to help you. It is important for you to be happy, but your child deserves a happy parent too.

And one very important fact to remember: unresolved shadow issues in parents are replicated in their children. Please understand i don't blame you in any way, i only wish that you and your family are happy...