Becoming more egoic OR awareness of ego?

[WonderSeeker]

Core feeling: I am becoming more egoic through spiritual work.

OR, could it actually be that I'm becoming more aware of ego, and therefore more able to dis-identify with it because now I see it? Or are the practices are back-firing somehow, causing egotism? I think over the long haul, the ego is very slowing peeling away, but I still go through what appear as spells of ego-mania! I feel ignorant in this whole thing in spite of all of the insights and wisdom.

I've been contemplating this for over a year on and off and still have not a clue. (I have a hunch that it's a matter of timing and that I don't have enough 'data' to know.) 

I've been using binaural beats for one year and did a year of daily traditional meditation before that. I feel like I'm seeing more ugly in me than even in my life and I don't want to negatively influence others with it. That said, I've also had moments where I've genuinely helped others and felt grounded within my being too. It just all feels very polarized.

Cheers 

[WelcometoReality]

1 hour ago, WonderSeeker said:

I think over the long haul, the ego is very slowing peeling away,

Yes, that's probably what's happening. For some this "peeling away" happens over time without any realizations where big "chunks" of ego fall away.

1 hour ago, WonderSeeker said:

I feel like I'm seeing more ugly in me than even in my life and I don't want to negatively influence others with it.

The "ugly" has to be seen before it can fall away completely. The ugly probably has impacted your before but unconsciously. Now you are conscious of it but still impacts your life but it will lose it's momentum once your conscious of it.

2 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

It just all feels very polarized.

Yeah it can feel very polarized. Can you recognize that "ego-mania" is happening and surrender to it?

 

 

[VeganAwake]

The very individual "you" attempting to rid itself of the ego IS the ego.

But it's not real. It's more like an assumed identity continuously upholding itself.

The recognition that "this" individual was never real sometimes begins a sort of unraveling of this tight knit self structure which is often referred to as Awakening.

❤ 

[The0Self]

It’s a dramatization of the experience of the individual. The only obstacle to transcending the ego is the flat total impossibility of the ego ever seeing that there is no ego.

[The0Self]

1 minute ago, VeganAwake said:

The very individual "you" attempting to rid itself of the ego IS the ego.

But it's not real. It's more like an assumed identity continuously upholding itself.

The recognition that "this" individual was never real sometimes begins a sort of unraveling of this tight knit self structure which is often referred to as Awakening.

❤ 

And even that (and the following) is a story. But it points (and this points) beyond. It’s too simple to get but also not possible nor “meant” to be gotten by the individual, which is (literally) not real.

[Khan 0]

7 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

OR, could it actually be that I'm becoming more aware of ego, and therefore more able to dis-identify with it because now I see it? Or are the practices are back-firing somehow, causing egotism? I think over the long haul, the ego is very slowing peeling away, but I still go through what appear as spells of ego-mania! I feel ignorant in this whole thing in spite of all of the insights and wisdom.

I is the ego, "you" can't be aware it because you are the ego itself. You must be dropped 

[Michal__]

Spirituality is about loving yourself in all your fucked-up-ness to death :-).

When you become more aware of your ego it can become stronger because it "wants you" to identify with it. When you act like an egomaniac just be aware that it's not you in the true sense. There's nothing inherently bad with being arrogant. Just try to make your arrogance accurate to how you actually are.