Insights from a crazy trip.

[spiritual memes]

A few days ago I tripped again after taking a very long break from psychedelics. I was afraid to try psychedelics again due to a bad trip I had a year ago where I completely lost touch with reality and put myself in serious danger and ultimately ended up in hospital. I've done a lot of meditation and self development since then and decided to give them a try once again. I took a small 100ug dose of LSD and stayed in my room. I immediately felt intense anxiety due to what happened last time so I went to my room and lay in my bed. The anxiety got extremely intense, my heart started beating very hard and I felt convinced that I was going to die, instead of panicking, I decided to try a technique I learned doing strong determination sitting where I just sat and faced the immense fear head on. What followed was a strong ego death and god realisation experience. I'm still trying to process and integrate the trip at the moment but I wrote down my insights while on the comedown:

•     All my problems stem from an illusory image of myself that isn’t real! It’s all conceptual but made to feel like it’s real using trickery. This illusory self is constantly compared to others and judged. As long as I am identified with this illusory image, I will always feel inadequate and unworthy of love. The illusory image is the root of all my anxiety, social and otherwise.
•   I am love! I am the love which is the underlying being of all of reality! All of reality is just a dream I am having! We fear death because we fear nothingness, however the nothingness is actually love!
• I am worthy of being loved for just being the way I am! I was raised to believe that I am unworthy in my default state, and I have to change myself and achieve certain goals to be worthy of love. This means I always see myself as never being good enough and I have to be more confident, masculine, intelligent, disciplined, attractive popular etc so that I can be worthy. Our society constantly reinforces this idea which contributes to so much dysfunction. All my efforts to try to somehow try to improve myself so that I can be loved are futile and only serve to reinforce my illusory self. The illusory self can't be loved because it doesn’t exist!! My true self is always worthy of love because it IS love!
• I am constantly seeking love from the external world. I try and get it in the form of other peoples approval, sex, relationships, success, drugs, social media and all my other addictions. Even my spiritual work is an attempt to get love from some external god or entity in the future. I will never find love as long as I am looking in the material world because I am looking away from myself. All the love I need is in the present moment.
• Strong determination sitting is extremely effective. It allowed me to push past my fear of death so that I could let go of my illusory self. I’m so much stronger now because of it.
• My edgy and dark humour is an unconscious mechanism to maintain a part of my ego which feels like an outcast and a freak born from past experiences. I keep using messed up humour to reinforce my outcast ego and pessimistic worldview. This dark humour is detrimental as it keeps me from connecting with others. Its sort of like an unconscious way of pushing people away from me so I can maintain my ego identity as an outcast or freak.

[Vincent S]

This is undeniably Beatiful. Thank you for sharing. It was very inspiring and loving to read.

Edited January 20, 2022 by Vincent S

[Leo Gura]

Very good

[puporing]

[Vynce]

Great work! ❤️

[Gregory1]

Nice! Interesting your "dark humor thing." Every ego has its own tricks.

[Fleetinglife]

14 hours ago, spiritual memes said:

My edgy and dark humour is an unconscious mechanism to maintain a part of my ego which feels like an outcast and a freak born from past experiences. I keep using messed up humour to reinforce my outcast ego and pessimistic worldview. This dark humour is detrimental as it keeps me from connecting with others. Its sort of like an unconscious way of pushing people away from me so I can maintain my ego identity as an outcast or freak.

Damn, this part really hit hard home for me. Recognized a large part of my own self-survival, self-evaluation, self-worth , and approval mechanism for my own self in it which I have never really tried to honestly explain, introspectively question, face up to and wonder why it's there and what purpose does it serve me in the first place or why do I get enjoyment from it in the first place, trace the origin to and clarify it for myself why do I need it, use it and why do identify with such an image of myself by using that type of humor to maintain unconsciously for myself that part of myself which I have a strong identification with the way you did just now through summarizing it in words in a report form and self-introspection. Thank you for your radical self-honesty and openness to others here regarding that here, it helped me as well by providing me with a major insight into it,  so I appreciate it very much for providing that insight into it which can help me to deal with and tackle this self-gratifying habit of mein as well. Thanks for sharing the way you beautifully and succinctly summarized your trip report and the openness you shared with other people here whom it might help in dealing with their own shadows.

Edited January 19, 2022 by Fleetinglife

[spiritual memes]

@Gregory1 @Fleetinglife I'm glad it helped

I did some further enquiry and realised that I subconsciously chose people who have traumatic childhoods like mine as friends and potential romantic partners while avoiding people who had good childhoods. It's an ego game I am playing because I want to maintain my victim identity and hang around with other victims.

I'm realising just how unbelievably sneaky my ego mind is. Even as I'm typing this my ego mind is playing subtle tricks to get me to identify with it. I have a lot of work ahead of me. The trip was the easy part.