Limiting Belief: I Am Still Too Young. But I Am Now 23.

[mathieu]

I have this physical characteristics of a very young boy. My face, my body shape, really look like a kid. You know in my workplace, when people first met me, they thought of me like of a high school boy or a kid. So they will either treat me that way, or ignore me, unless I prepared myself to look older and act more assertive. But look, I have graduated college, earned a degree in engineering. So it's a bit offensive on my part for people to respond that way, more that I've been so introverted. Anyway, I can handle myself better now around people unlike before. It seems not a serious problem for others, but it has been throughout my life since childhood, until now. It also led me to other limiting beliefs like: "I am not an effective leader yet", "I am not so assertive" and "I am not good in dealing with groups of people."

My physical appearance and how other people responded to me, somehow shaped my personality. sometimes, I really feel like a kid and feel inferior to my peers and especially to older people. And this really holds me back. I've learned also that "People respond to how you look." I can see how this will create conflicts in my workplace esp when meeting more and more people. They might degrade me. And I won't let that happen.

Really appreciate any help or insights about my situation. Any critics are welcome. Thank you for your time.

[Arman]

You assume that people are going to treat you with less respect because of your appearance, and so you make it a self fulfilling prophecy. 

Are people in life going to judge you on your looks? Yes. However it has much less impact than you think. Appearance is only one factor, and only comes into major play when someone doesn't really have much else to offer. It's good that you know this to be a limiting belief. The thing about limiting beliefs though is that they are illusory. There are other ways to receive respect and be seen for the value you have, other than looking like someone who culturally plays the part. 

20 minutes ago, mathieu said:

It also led me to other limiting beliefs like: "I am not an effective leader yet", "I am not so assertive" and "I am not good in dealing with groups of people."

Well, are you an effective leader? Are you assertive? Be honest with yourself about it, then understand that the only connection that these qualities have to your appearance is the illusory significance you placed on them, and then take full responsibility for who you are and where you are. Then you can see things more clearly and be more secure with yourself. The more you have self respect and self acceptance, the more others will see your good qualities. 

[mathieu]

You were right.

17 minutes ago, Arman said:

Are people in life going to judge you on your looks? Yes. However it has much less impact than you think. Appearance is only one factor, and only comes into major play when someone doesn't really have much else to offer. It's good that you know this to be a limiting belief. The thing about limiting beliefs though is that they are illusory. There are other ways to receive respect and be seen for the value you have, other than looking like someone who culturally plays the part. 

i can see it was more of a self fulfilling prophecy. People really judge on looks, and I have witnessed those same responses on me a hundreds of times. It was by default. But whenever I let myself be affected much, then I am now playing the victim. That's why taking 100% responsibility is really critical for me. It also gives me hope too knowing that physical is just a part, in fact the least part. I better keep on growing my mental, emotional and spiritual aspects. Thanks to Leo and the books.

26 minutes ago, Arman said:

Well, are you an effective leader? Are you assertive? Be honest with yourself about it, then understand that the only connection that these qualities have to your appearance is the illusory significance you placed on them, and then take full responsibility for who you are and where you are. Then you can see things more clearly and be more secure with yourself. The more you have self respect and self acceptance, the more others will see your good qualities. 

I can feel that I can really be an effective leader. The crippling fears just hold me back. I think the fear of embarrassment is one of those root causes. Holding on to the belief, that I am still too young, served as the baby blanket to protect me from taking responsibilities of being a leader which involves dealing with groups of people. Therefore, avoiding possible embarrassments. Being too young is a good excuse. That's why I avoided being involved in extracurricular activities. So yeah, I really need more work to bust these illusory things. Much more that my life purpose is about interaction with people.

[ajasatya]

@mathieu why this urge to be a leader? are you trying to prove something?

if you really want to lead something, it depends FIRSTLY on how you heart is connected to the cause, how much you love what you do and how much you want to benefit others.

if you want to lead just to inflate your ego, then grow up instead.

[Time Traveler]

3 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@mathieu why this urge to be a leader? are you trying to prove something?

IMO in our society goals steam mostly from neurotic reasons, e.g. to prove something.

How many times we have read stories of extraordinary achievements made by people who are called "idiots" in their childhood by parents or teachers ?

I'm curious, what would Napoleon had said if advised to grow instead of pursuing his military career

[Random User]

I am in the same boat. Also 23 and people often tell me I look really young. You mentioned about a fear of embarrassment being a root cause as well. Again, this is something I can really relate to. It's caused me a lot of suffering over the years and has shot my confidence and self esteem. I have too been discriminated against because of the way I look especially when I started college after school. I assume you now work as an engineer? Workshops and things like are renowned for poking fun at people as you probably already know. Just gotta take it on the chin and focus on doing a good job. 

I'm no expert in this field of personal development, but I'd recommend working on self acceptance and dealing with emotions.

[mathieu]

@Random User Thank you for understanding. Yes, those are true. The fear of embarrassment was deep rooted in my early childhood. It was really a very hard thing to overcome from elementary to college days. In short, I suffered on lots lots of social interactions, meeting strangers and groups. It was.... urghhh. Lots of embarrassment and negative self-talks after the interactions. You know a typical introvert and awkward nerd kid? that's me. Although I got some high respect from people who knew me. I don't want to boast here, but I used to be one of the smartest on classes. So at least there were those who got interest in me and people approach me. Listening to them, I got some feedback about their first impressions of me, a naive, innocent boy.

This feeling of being too young made me think more of like a kid, like I used to be more playful around people and in doing my tasks. I love to crack jokes. So instead of thinking of it as a curse, I have actually found out it was one of the Top Strengths of mine, Playfulness and Humor. Sense of Purpose being on the Top. Like a combination of seriousness and playfulness. Sounds weird but fun.

How did you cope with your fear of embarrassment?  @Random User

[mathieu]

On 1/9/2017 at 1:05 AM, ajasatya said:

@mathieu why this urge to be a leader? are you trying to prove something?

this really intrigued me and made me question myself for days. Being a leader has something to do about my life purpose. Although, there were some part of me that wants prestige, maybe because of my childhood need, and also part of me that wants to prevail over others because I hated people who don't like me. Those were some negative reasons I've figured out so far. But I can see that my life purpose has something to do about dealing with people. Being a leader is so critical. I need to embody this.

The impact I want on the world is "infecting people with positive laws of nature." "Nonverbal Intelligence" as my Domain of Mastery. And "Interaction with People" as my Ideal Medium. These were my latest drafts on my Me Sheet. So I can feel that I need to go out there and be with people. I believe I can use my full potential out there, like in my workplace @ajasatya

[Random User]

@mathieu It sounds like you do have points that make you feel very good about yourself

I have coped over the years by simply putting myself in social situations. I moved away from my small town into a city. Really suffered at first but this has improved me a lot, but no where near as much as I'd like. I still feel ashamed and embarrassed in a lot of my interactions. What helps a lot of the time is thinking of myself as being attractive and at the top of my game in all areas. Like, abundance. Weird, but it works sometimes. Not all of the time. Mindfulness has helped a lot as well. I have a hell of a lot of inner conflict though. Up and down a lot. Motivated to de-motivated. Confident(ish) to anxious and ashamed. Sometimes days pass with overall positivity, others with negativity. Have a lot of wounds to heal. Had some real embarrassing experiences in my teens. Not that bad but I was extremely sensitive and they hit me hard. 

Now, I just focus on Meditation, Exercise, Clean food (mostly), and music production. Just started paying a lot of attention to my emotions as well. 

[mathieu]

 

On 1/13/2017 at 6:19 AM, Random User said:

It sounds like you do have points that make you feel very good about yourself

yes, I do feel good at being myself, but not all the times. The limiting beliefs like "I am still too young" and the others just kills the joy, and really Limits me.

@Random User I can see we have similarities in our experiences. Skills such as mindfulness really helped me too, and also from articles and books I have read about introversion and socialization. You know, it was a big realization for me when I heard about the personality "introvert" which was really me, in my later years. I like solitude a lot but I envy those who have friends hanging out regularly. And, I have a very few close friends who were comfortable with me. I dread parties, drinkings, and the like. And so on and so on. I don't want to be self-pity here. But of course, like what you said I got ups and downs too. And I still have a lot of inner work to do. It was a hope for me to be around with individuals and groups of great people sooner, it would be easier to cope with our fear around them. It was part of my vision.

Just want to share one of my resources. Check out this man who inspired me about years ago when I was really experiencing fear of embarrassment on my first job. It was like a lifeline when I followed him. https://www.amazon.com/Rejection-Proof-Became-Invincible-Through/dp/080414138X