Lack of belonging and authenticity

[Hugo Oliveira]

Just left a party,

I'm being consumed by the pain of not being able to feel comfortable with myself and not belonging.

Despite being an introvert, I can socialize, communicate, and connect to people.

But I feel scarry by observing how far it is from the level of real integration, confidence, flow, spontaneity.

Other people appear not to have faced these troubles never at all. They are so happy, smiling, dancing, kissing, loving. They seem like adults to me. They look so free. I think I only had this feeling on MDMA. 

And I feel like a child, burning in this anxiety, trapped into these blocks.  

I crave so much to be a man and have this connection, and I feel like without it I can't live. The pain is not suportable. 

[puporing]

@Hugo Oliveira I'm sorry you're going through this.. it sounds very lonely to me. I have similar struggles. Do you feel this way with crowds or also with one-on-one interactions? Do you find it hard to open up more or be yourself? Maybe worrying about how it comes across, also possible that you are able to be very present for others but they are not for you, so the disconnection. As well it's possible you didn't receive attunement and connection as a child, this can leave a chronic feeling of disconnection and not able to find it. 

Edited January 18, 2022 by puporing

[Loba]

I relate, but have no advice for how to fix it.

You're not alone in your pain.

[SelfHelpGuy]

Right here with you. 

If you ever get a chance, go in a room by yourself (or a place, somewhere out of people's earshot) and just talk to yourself.

Talk to yourself as if no one exists but you. How will you speak? Authentically.

See, authenticity isn't developed. It's what you are. You don't need to  "be yourself" but "remain yourself".

Notice that by yourself, alone, you have no problem speaking in a confident tone, speaking your truth, being funny and whatever else. 

All that stops us is fear of what people think, and that just comes down to practice.

Slowly start moving closer and closer towards how you would speak to yourself with others. 

(Ofc, there will still need to be somewhat of a filter for intelligent social equanimity but you know what is meant).

I know it seems everyone around us has it easy and effortless, but consider the fact that in this life - you as God choose a higher difficulty.

You turned the knob to "hard" meaning that great social skills weren't innately installed talents and requires some attention or practice.

Remember, what you really want is to be around people which you don't have to try around, you feel at ease. So how do you find such people?

Don't try and be at ease with the people you meet from the beginning, talk to them as if they're yourself (alone in a room talking to yourself.) 

 

<3

 

[Gianna]

You are not alone. I know how hard it is to deal with this kind of dynamic. So often, we suffer because of an internal war within us. I believe your circumstance is the same. Your internal war/conflict is between a part of you that wants connection and belonging (which only happens through authenticity), and another part of you that doesn't actually believe that you will get connection and belonging by being yourself (by being authentic). This is most likely why you do not feel so comfortable or safe being yourself (because you have a part within you that is either terrified of being itself, or of connection; or doesn’t believe that it will get connection by being itself). This conflict between these two parts of you is what is keeping you stuck and thus depressed about this painful situation. I would create resolve between these two parts by introducing them to new thoughts, feelings, beliefs. For instance, 
 

Is it true that if I am freely myself that people will not want to connect with me? Can I absolutely know that it is true? 

What is the part of me that is hiding my authenticity afraid of?

What does the part of me that is hiding me trying to protect me from? 

What am I trying to avoid by not being myself? 
 

What will being myself, lead to?

The part of you that is afraid of being itself is most likely an inner child— which is why you are probably saying you feel like a kid. I would do inner child work on this part, the anxiety (the part that is afraid of connection). And treat it like it is a kid because from its perspective it still is. This part has every reason to feel the way it does considering it’s experience. Treat this part with compassion and understanding. Give it love and safety and meet all of its needs. What does it need to feel safe in/being itself? 

Edited January 18, 2022 by Gianna

[Tristan12]

@Gianna Can you recommend any books, videos or other resources on doing inner child work?

[ted73104]

@Gianna Lots of good questions for contemplation listed out here. The main reason we can't be authentic is because we're totally afraid of rejection. What we don't know is that rejection is a part of acceptance, just like failure is a part of success. You could never succeed unless you failed that many times in the first place.

I think we introverts tend to dream big, what we really want is sometimes very hard to achieve in reality. And sometimes we don't understand how hard it is to become like that extroverted guy who is so comfortable in the crowd (for example). When we try to perform something that is way above the level we're at, there is this trap that we look dumb and stupid if don't act as cool as the guys who can perform those things at a high level. This gets us stuck in this wanting to become something in a short time and then resist trying for fear of acting awkward cycle. 

The interesting thing is that the part of you that is afraid of being itself thinks that other people will reject you when you act authentically. But the truth is actually that other people will accept you a lot more than you think if you're able to be authentic, even if you're really awkward. The real person who has rejected you is just yourself, because you can't accept the way how other people accept you under the current condition. The criteria you want to meet takes time to implement, especially when it is something on a high level. So basically we need to identify what we really want and find an effective way to implement those things patiently. But even more importantly, we need to gradually realize that you don't need to meet those criterias to be happy. Even if you could gain those abilities or be very popular, you still wouldn't be satisfied under your current mindset, you'd just crave for something else afterwards. You don't need any reason to be authentically happy.

[Cathal]

these feelings of not being accepted, not being apart of something is because you don't know how to be your authentic self with others. there is a you, whom when the camera is put in your face puts up an act - but that's not really you, that's the part of you that hides the true you, you will forever be in this cycle until you work on transitioning into your authentic self. 

it's a lot of work, all you can really do is try your best and put the effort in to allow yourself to be yourself with others. there will be a part of you that is hesistant, worried, afraid that you will be rejected, unwanted, abandoned, not liked - but just know, that is not you. you can create an entirely new reality for yourself by taking that step towards letting go of the boundaries you create to hide your vunerability. 

[mandyjw]

Let's examine what the appearance of "happy" is in another person. Does seeing a happy person make you happy? if yes, you recognize yourself as happy. If no, you have the wonderful releasing of jealousy to explore. There's absolutely no shame in this, it's like when you were a kid and you buried treasure for yourself to find in the sand pile later on. You get to identify, define and express you OWN unique desires in a way no one else ever has before.

We have all kinds of ideas about what happiness is and what happiness looks like. Anything you think it is, it's way, way better than that. Oh my god, such a relief! 

There's a difference between the desire as an "intention" and the "impact" of recognizing it. So you say you want to be happy? Just like the TRUE recognition of happiness feels just like happiness, the true recognition of what you want feels like excitement. For example if I'm nervous and I tell myself "RELAX" but yelling this at myself only makes me more tense and more aware that I am NOT in fact relaxing, my intention was to relax, but the impact of this was more tension. This is what you're doing with happiness and relaxation both. You've got to allow yourself to find the feeling of them. Melt into the true feeling of your intentions more. Don't settle for the ideals of them. These are just thoughts, not the actuality of them. If you tell yourself to relax, allow yourself to find the relaxation even if it's being ok with being tense. This is found in the dropping of the thought and melting into the feeling behind the intention. If you tell yourself to be happy, find the satisfaction in that desire, no matter wherever you are, what others are doing or who you are around. Daydream, fantasize, journal, write, express jealousy and anger in writing, cry, laugh, meditate, take deep breaths. Find that relaxation and contentment alone. Find it in a crowd. 

Start to really look at people. When we aren't engaging, when we are a wallflower we have the ability to purely observe. Appreciate it, there's so much in it for you. Really appreciate their happiness and their quirks. Often our own quirks are what we try to hide the most about ourselves, but what we love the most in others. You know how telling a joke that really strikes someone as funny feels so good? All that's required is to drop the thoughts of unworthiness of it, thoughts that define the owner of it, or the thoughts that say it is not here. Suddenly engaging becomes just as effortless as observing. 

You are very much still a kid, as are all those people enjoying themselves, dancing, laughing are kids. They don't have anything on you, they are simply lacking some resistant thoughts about themselves, that now you know you also want to let go of. Then there's just fun and childlike wonder in your observations. And DAMN, look at you! Exactly because this didn't seem to come naturally to you, you're really are going to appreciate and understand people with the depths of your being. This contrast of the not belonging, of the tension, only serves to make you appreciate what's on the other side with so much greater depth. To those who interacting comes easily, fun interactions are like eating a meal when they aren't really that hungry. But when you eat a meal after you've been really hungry for a while, NOTHING tastes better. Nothing is appreciated more. That's what's in store for you. You've lost nothing, you've missed out on nothing. I'm so excited for you. ❤

Edited January 18, 2022 by mandyjw

[PurpleTree]

I've also had that some nights. And then i'm really disappointed in myself that i found it so hard to do "simple things"

Which then can lead to drinking more at parties to shut of your anxious part of the brain. But this is a tricky balance because if you drink too much you blackout or do some dumb stuff. What's funny though is that some women i picked up when i was almost blackout or just extremely drunk.

According to the answers in this topic you're not alone, it's social anxiety and overthinking. I mean it's basically what got me into "spirituality" that pain and an interest in the universe and existence.

Edited January 18, 2022 by PurpleTree