How to be vulnerable without appearing weak

[B_HAZ]

So I decided to finally open up with a friend , I've always avoided opening up with people and create deep connection. I have a dismissive attachment and I'm working on that. I feel extreme resistance from doing this but I will do it any way. because living a good life is uncomfortable so I will force myself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable but how can I do this without retraumatising myself again like opening up to the wrong people. Also how can I do this without appearing weak and victim how can I open up from a powerful place and not negative weak place ? should I share everything it would be too much ? I already feel deep shame from what I will share but I will share it anyway I know that this is how I cure shame but I remember doing this in the past people were treating me like a weak person and I don't want this to happen again 

Edited January 17, 2022 by B_HAZ
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[Lyubov]

I would say this is mostly something that comes down to how you view vulnerability. What do you believe vulnerable means? To me it takes great strength to be vulnerable and tremendous courage. I don’t think it’s weak at all. Some may view it that way and that’s their own perception of it. Own your vulnerability. 

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, B_HAZ said:

So I decided to finally open up with a friend , I've always avoided opening up with people and create deep connection. I have a dismissive attachment and I'm working on that. I feel extreme resistance from doing this but I will do it any way. because living a good life is uncomfortable so I will force myself to get comfortable with being uncomfortable but how can I do this without retraumatising myself again like opening up to the wrong people. Also how can I do this without appearing weak and victim how can I open up from a powerful place and not negative weak place ?

should I share everything it would be too much ? I already feel deep shame from what I will share but I will share it anyway I know that this is how I cure shame but I remember doing this in the past people were treating me like a weak person and I don't want this to happen again 

“Dismissive attachment” is a thought, not something you have. The attachment is to the thought, as in, believing that thought is something which is true about you, and missing it’s just a thought and isn’t true about you at all. ‘Working on it’ is feeding it life, reinforcing the belief it’s true, and that it’s something you have to somehow work on. The ‘work’ is letting go of the belief, and isn’t work at all. That is why  you’re feeling as you said, extreme resistance. You’re basically trying to believe it’s true and fix it. 

The relevance is that carries over to the rest of the thoughts, which you are focused upon, which seem to be, as in are believed to be (true) about yourself. Attachment styles is a conceptual bypass & diversion from the direct acknowledgement and inspection of the belief (in & of itself). Through that lens so to speak, it seems like the discord felt, is related to what other people think and or say, while it’s the thoughts about yourself which are discordant. 

The emotional scale.

If you desire to feel better and exit the rollercoaster of conceptual bypassing, let the thoughts of other people & what they might be thinking go altogether, in favor of understanding the emotions you are experiencing in relation to what you’re thinking. 

To be emotionally affected by what people think or say is to believe in assertion, to believe another is making you feel that way, and again, this is missing that you are feeling what you are thinking, or you might say, the discord of your own interpretation. The emotional guidance felt (I presume) is powerlessness, and not vulnerability. It would be (imo) wise to express jealousy.  Perhaps you see people aware of what was said here, and desire to ‘have that’, and not the discord of the present interpretation / conceptualization. 

[UnbornTao]

Showing oneself vulnerable will be considered as a weakness by many, no matter what. Perhaps it’s wiser not to open oneself up around close-minded, immature people.

The point is, you’re open and the rest (how they look at you, etc.) is up to others.

You can be vulnerable and confident. 

Consider that so-called strong people are afraid of showing themselves vulnerable. It’s a mask, useful in the domain of social survival as a manipulative mechanism.

On the other hand, it’s deeply uncomfortable being vulnerable, and requires huge amounts of awareness, courage, and maturity. 

Classic dilemma:

• Being authentic, open and honest, or;
• Faking stuff in order to get the lollipop (validation, acceptance, admiration, getting others to think of you the way you want them to, etc.)

The former may be challenging while the latter much easier and effective for collecting lollipops. But then again, the former will increase your integrity, confidence, self-steem, vitality, and presence over time.

Edited January 18, 2022 by UnbornTao

[Karmadhi]

Read the book "Models" by Mark Manson, his second chapter is about this.

[NoSelfSelf]

Seems the problem is black and white thinking you either dont say anything about yourself or you unload everything on others(they are not ready for that so use right timing)...being vurnable is saying stuff about yourself and being ready to be hurt thats strenght you are ready to be hurt and people who sees it as a weakness you drop them...

When the shame and emotions pop up start asking why do you feel like that so you can detect the belief behinde it...

 

[puporing]

Challenge any lingering perception of 'vulnerability = weak'. 

[B_HAZ]

@Lyubov Yeah I think the same too I've always admired people who're extremely vulnerable I want to be like that eventually 

[B_HAZ]

@Nahm That’s very insightful

 Thanks 

[B_HAZ]

@UnbornTao I choose to be authentic I don't want the lollipop

[B_HAZ]

@Karmadhi Ok I will read it @NoSelfSelf  @puporing thanks