Why do I think that I'm dumb/foolish and what can be done about it?

[Preety_India]

4 hours ago, mojsterr said:

Basically I just need to start always saying what I feel. But it's a long journey if you were always a people pleaser.

I can relate to this. 

 

[Loba]

I hate that you think you're dumb when you're actually really smart.  It means someone told you you're dumb and you never knew you were smart.  Preety... you're not dumb.  You are smart.  I'm an honest person, if I genuinely thought you were dumb I would have mentioned "dumb" - but it's not true.  Not even a bit.  You have a great ability to piece together things.

Like... if it ... is TRUE that you think you're DUMB, then that's a HUUUUUGE lie!!!!

You are 'very' smart.  Smarter than me for sure.  I wouldn't even worry about it, not at all.  I mean it.  To worry that you, of all people, are dumb, is worrying about nothing at all.  It simply isn't true.

You are just self reflective and honest about where you feel you are at.  If you thought you were amazing at everything, that would be dunning-kruger, but actually worrying about being dumb or foolish shows that you self reflect enough.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Loba said:

I hate that you think you're dumb when you're actually really smart.  It means someone told you you're dumb and you never knew you were smart.  Preety... you're not dumb.  You are smart.  I'm an honest person, if I genuinely thought you were dumb I would have mentioned "dumb" - but it's not true.  Not even a bit.  You have a great ability to piece together things.

Like... if it ... is TRUE that you think you're DUMB, then that's a HUUUUUGE lie!!!!

You are 'very' smart.  Smarter than me for sure.  I wouldn't even worry about it, not at all.  I mean it.  To worry that you, of all people, are dumb, is worrying about nothing at all.  It simply isn't true.

You are just self reflective and honest about where you feel you are at.  If you thought you were amazing at everything, that would be dunning-kruger, but actually worrying about being dumb or foolish shows that you self reflect enough.

Ahh, thank God, that's very assuring. 

I feel much better now. Usually I'm pretty wise when it comes to nerdy things like I was really good in high school, in fact my scores were very high. 

But I never socialized much throughout school and remained to myself. I guess that side of me never got the chance to develop much. 

So now whenever I walk among people or sit at the lunch table, I hardly have anything to talk about and I can never start a conversation. Things like that that I would like to improve. I sometimes laugh at inappropriate things in public or I won't show enough social tact. I mean I have laughed at funerals, not out of lack of empathy, someone pinched my arm from the back and I began laughing hysterically in the middle of the funeral and it was embarrassing because everyone was praying and the pastor was there and he looked absurdly at me. 

So yea stuff like that where I would need to be less awkward and gain more social acumen. 

 

[mojsterr]

8 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I began laughing hysterically in the middle of the funeral and it was embarrassing because everyone was praying and the pastor was there and he looked absurdly at me. 
 

 

I see myself as being in somekind of a sitcom. Of course people around me aren't laughing, but some higher 3rd observer would find my stumbling through life hillarious

I mean, I still judge myself too much, but there's also this other part of me that just sees everything as a big joke.

Edited March 10, 2022 by mojsterr

[BlueOak]

I don't think you are dumb, you form your thoughts and relationships or connections just fine. There isn't resistance there to new ideas or concepts. There is genuine self reflection (this thread) and want to improve yourself, which puts you ahead of much of population in terms of wisdom. Heck even being on this forum and struggling with these things says a lot about your character which you can be proud of or grateful for. 

I think you could do with putting your foot down a bit more. I do see your opinion go one way or the other quite quickly. I too can or did suffer from this which is why I recognize it. We were both abused. This is part of it. Beaten or shouted into accepting an opinion so we do so with less resistance. Part of boundaries is questioning what is in front of us if it make sense for our life, something that is robbed from people who are abused.

Do you see where you have taken everything in summary here: 

Quote

By doing the following 

Question absolutely everything on that list from your own perspective, Set your own boundary for if it make sense for you.

Part of me wants to say there is bravery in doing what you are doing here but there is also trauma in asking others what you need to be. I used to find saying you are enough to victims of abuse, including myself, helped. Repeat that over and over, see if it lets some tears go. You don't need to be anything more or less than you are now. You get to choose, you get to discard or keep, which is why I understand you wanted to make sure the thread stayed open for example.

Hope some of that helps.

*If the words, I know this Blue Oak, come up or something like that, good that's the boundary showing 

**Also it occurred to me to mention the reason we don't want to put our foot down or show that side of ourselves can be because that's what our abuser's did.

Edited March 10, 2022 by BlueOak

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, BlueOak said:

I don't think you are dumb, you form your thoughts and relationships or connections just fine. There isn't resistance there to new ideas or concepts. There is genuine self reflection (this thread) and want to improve yourself, which puts you ahead of much of population in terms of wisdom. Heck even being on this forum and struggling with these things says a lot about your character which you can be proud of or grateful for. 

I think you could do with putting your foot down a bit more. I do see your opinion go one way or the other quite quickly. I too can or did suffer from this which is why I recognize it. We were both abused. This is part of it. Beaten or shouted into accepting an opinion so we do so with less resistance. Part of boundaries is questioning what is in front of us if it make sense for our life, something that is robbed from people who are abused.

Do you see where you have taken everything in summary here: 

Question absolutely everything on that list from your own perspective, Set your own boundary for if it make sense for you.

Part of me wants to say there is bravery in doing what you are doing here but there is also trauma in asking others what you need to be. I used to find saying you are enough to victims of abuse, including myself, helped. Repeat that over and over, see if it lets some tears go. You don't need to be anything more or less than you are now. You get to choose, you get to discard or keep, which is why I understand you wanted to make sure the thread stayed open for example.

Hope some of that helps.

*If the words, I know this Blue Oak, come up or something like that, good that's the boundary showing 

**Also it occurred to me to mention the reason we don't want to put our foot down or show that side of ourselves can be because that's what our abuser's did.

 

Blue Oak, your post means a lot to me. I don't know which part of the world you are from but wherever you are from, you are very kind and respectful and gentle to me, I thank you deeply for that, you understand my trauma like nobody else here, most of whatever you said is very true in regards to my trauma and your description of my trauma resonates very closely with me, you understand me much better than most people, your words are understanding, helpful, insightful and empathetic. I am so glad I read your post. 

So this is for you. A big thank you from me. 

 

[BlueOak]

@Preety_India  
Thank you. Take care.

[hyruga]

hmmm I have been acting dumb and foolish again. Not completely dumb or crazy kind. But very subtle. 

Like I will ask "What should we do?" "Do you want me to do this?". Basically asking very beta questions.

Sometimes worse. I will ask something I already know just to confirm the answer. "How do you do this?" 

I need to really man up and stop asking stupid questions.

Edited March 10, 2022 by hyruga

[actuallyenlightened]

I think it's much less about how smart you are and more about your thought process. Embracing stage yellow as much as possible would be useful because it'll let you develop models in areas like:

- emotions

- human psychology (self and other)

- cause and effect

- sociology

- how society works

Every time you make a 'stupid' decision - you could go back and update your model. So for example if your emotions get the better of you, then you could better realize the deceptiveness of emotion and be better able to detect it next time. 

Hope this helps