Is it a mistake to avoid dating and relationships?

[Tristan12]

Over the past few years I have become so passionate about spirituality, psychology and personal development, and at this point that is all I want to pursue and spend my time doing. Because of this I have lost interest in a lot of the other areas of life, including dating and relationships. I try to keep the other areas of my life balanced (I still exercise and take care of my health, I have friendships I maintain, I am working on my career, etc.) but dating and relationships is something that is not a part of my life and I don't have much interest in it becoming one.

I can see the appeal in a deep romantic relationship, but still it's not something that I really want. For sex, if it fell in my lap I would take it but i'm not interested in it enough to go out and pursue it. I would rather focus on my work and the things i'm passionate about.

The thing I am concerned about is that I have basically no experience in this area and I am wondering if it would be a hinderance to my development if it stayed that way. I'm 21 and I am a virgin and i've never been in a relationship. I know because I am young that I could definitely change my mind in the future, but i've already been this way for a few years and I'm just wondering if it would be a problem if I stayed this way.

Even if I ended up having sex and getting into a relationship in the future, that still doesn't mean that i'd necessarily put in the time and effort to develop skills in that area, and i'd probably still be pretty underdeveloped. Do you think that the area of dating and relationships is something that is necessary for everyone to develop skill in whether they are interested in it or not? I'm curious to hear about this from people also deeply into spirituality who would understand why someone wouldn't be interested in this.

[Salvijus]

I doubt there's any danger in neglecting relationships. I would say do whatever you're attracted to even if it's dating but keep a spiritual practice close by always. Hold onto it tighly, it will steer the life for you in the right direction. Everything else is secondary and insignificant imo.

[Roy]

It's OK to have priorities and things you want to focus on more than others, but I would argue it's unwise to completely neglect an aspect of life, for really any significant length of time. Most things will only get more difficult as you get older as you need to "catch up". A deficient pillar can cause the rest of your house to be unstable, no matter how great all the others seem.

Wisdom is balance.

[Tristan12]

@Roy I get that for other areas of life, such as health or finances, were they are essential no matter who you are and if you neglect them, problems will arise, but for something like romantic relationships it genuinely doesn't feel like something I want, so I don't see how that would negatively affect my life if i didn't have it.

39 minutes ago, Roy said:

A deficient pillar can cause the rest of your house to be unstable, no matter how great all the others seem.

This is what I am wondering. If I never develop experience in romantic relationships, even if I genuinely don't want it, will it still have an affect on my life, and if so, what would that be?

[Salvijus]

55 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

This is what I am wondering. If I never develop experience in romantic relationships, even if I genuinely don't want it, will it still have an affect on my life, and if so, what would that be?

No significant effect imo. The whole idea of doing pick up is to work out that karma (which I feel makes no sense) and end those mad lustful cravings. If you're already out of the pit, I don't see the reason to jump back into it lol. (Not that I have anything against relationships)

Edited January 16, 2022 by Salvijus

[Lyubov]

It’s one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had, probably the most ugly as well. Life without a woman by my side is like flipping through the pages of a new coloring book. Doesn’t feel alive at all. 

[Salvijus]

Having a relationship can be a beautiful experience for sure. But so does sky diving. Nobody complains about being a virgin at sky diving. Beautiful experiences and exploration of life is good but it's secondary compared to spiritual work. Confusing the priorities can be a problem imo.

Edited January 16, 2022 by Salvijus

[Danioover9000]

@Tristan12

9 hours ago, Tristan12 said:

Over the past few years I have become so passionate about spirituality, psychology and personal development, and at this point that is all I want to pursue and spend my time doing. Because of this I have lost interest in a lot of the other areas of life, including dating and relationships. I try to keep the other areas of my life balanced (I still exercise and take care of my health, I have friendships I maintain, I am working on my career, etc.) but dating and relationships is something that is not a part of my life and I don't have much interest in it becoming one.

I can see the appeal in a deep romantic relationship, but still it's not something that I really want. For sex, if it fell in my lap I would take it but i'm not interested in it enough to go out and pursue it. I would rather focus on my work and the things i'm passionate about.

The thing I am concerned about is that I have basically no experience in this area and I am wondering if it would be a hinderance to my development if it stayed that way. I'm 21 and I am a virgin and i've never been in a relationship. I know because I am young that I could definitely change my mind in the future, but i've already been this way for a few years and I'm just wondering if it would be a problem if I stayed this way.

Even if I ended up having sex and getting into a relationship in the future, that still doesn't mean that i'd necessarily put in the time and effort to develop skills in that area, and i'd probably still be pretty underdeveloped. Do you think that the area of dating and relationships is something that is necessary for everyone to develop skill in whether they are interested in it or not? I'm curious to hear about this from people also deeply into spirituality who would understand why someone wouldn't be interested in this.

   I see no problem here, other than you potentially lying to yourself and avoiding improving the dating and relationship lines of development in your life. It depends on the stage of development(cultural value system of the individual), morality, cognition, personality types and lines of development(other domains of life, other life experiences) of the person, so if you're contemplated deep enough about what dating and relationships are to you, and whether it's worth your time to develop those lines, then your decision of putting dating and relationship development later in favor of pursuing career, health, fitness, home environment, entertainment/hobby, and spiritual development is ok.

   I'm 28 and a virgin too, and to me my development in dating and relationship is close to a non issue, for various factors to me.

[bejapuskas]

What exactly are you worried about? Getting a partner, maintaining relationship, sex? You could be aromantic asexual and be totally uninterested in this area and that is valid, or even experience attraction and not be interested, that is also fine. I think it is good to estabilish commitment to truth, that makes relationships easier (if you commit to truth in the beginning, if you do it later, it can be a fuckup for you). Sex is easy to learn if you can listen and ask, you do not need like years of experience to be good. 

[Tristan12]

@bejapuskas My main concern is if being totally unexperienced in an area of life that is generally considered crucial would negatively affect my life just because I lack the understanding and perspective of what its like to be in a relationship. I feel like it might make it harder for me to understand and relate to people if I am missing that experience myself, and if it would affect my development and growth as a person if I am missing such an Important area of life.

I don't know if what I am concerned about here doesn't matter and doesn't make much of a difference, which is why I want to hear from people who are older and who have more experience around this to see what they think.

In terms of cravings for it, I genuinely don't think I have any. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I did desire it, and I see the importance of letting myself engage in it and get it out of my system for burning through karma, but I just don't have any cravings for it. So I really don't feel like i'm bullshitting myself here. Also if cravings ever did arise in the future, I could just work through them then.

[Leo Gura]

@Tristan12 If you are at all like a normal human you will regret it.

[kamwalker]

It's just another experience like everything else. Try things until you figure out what brings you peace. You likely can't try everything so just pick out what you think makes sense for you and go for it. A lot of people think a relationship is necessary because everyone else is doing it and so you'll fit in better. But the goal shouldn't be to fit in, it should just be to live what is a good life for YOU. Unhappy people tend to live a life that they think is expected of them.

[Preety_India]

If you truly want to do what you like to do then don't shame yourself for wanting it.

Want it wholeheartedly without guilt. 

And FUCK Society. 

 

 

[Tristan12]

@Preety_India I'm not shaming myself for not wanting a relationship, nor am I wondering if I should want a relationship just because everyone else does, I am wondering if its a strategic error for me to avoid and neglect this area of my life and if there will be consequences down the road if I do

[Preety_India]

Just now, Tristan12 said:

@Preety_India I'm not shaming myself for not wanting a relationship, nor am I wondering if I should want a relationship just because everyone else does, I am wondering if its a strategic error for me to avoid and neglect this area of my life and if there will be consequences down the road if I do

Well that could be said of almost every area or aspect of life, not just dating and relationships. There is always something we miss out on, something that we could have gained through an experience we avoided, there is always an opportunity cost associated with what we lost out on in the process of obtaining another. 

I can sit here and say that I might have missed out on something if I didn't travel to Australia or Greece because I could have learned something on those travels. I could have gained some experience that I might have missed. 

Yet is travelling to Australia really my priority? 

Nope. So why would missing it be an abject concern anyway? 

If it's not your priority, whether you gain it or miss out on it shouldn't be a matter of concern either way.

Regarding consequences. You can take a look at single people around you. I don't think they really regret anything. 

Your mind is conjuring up unnecessary doubt and confusion. 

There was nothing to lose objectively speaking. But subjectively your mind can make up anything out of thin air. 

 

 

[Danioover9000]

@Tristan12

5 hours ago, kamwalker said:

It's just another experience like everything else. Try things until you figure out what brings you peace. You likely can't try everything so just pick out what you think makes sense for you and go for it. A lot of people think a relationship is necessary because everyone else is doing it and so you'll fit in better. But the goal shouldn't be to fit in, it should just be to live what is a good life for YOU. Unhappy people tend to live a life that they think is expected of them.

   As long as it feels authentic to not date, not deepen relationships, then anything  else is moralizing yourself that you should date and deepen relationship. But if you actually don't authentically want it, then don't worry about it and don't change course pursuing it. If it feels off about your decision to not date or deepen relationships, then go and do that.

   It is possible to lead the good life, without having a highly developed sexuality and dating domain of life. Yes, there is a trade off in that you won't be as skilled in those areas, but there's also positive trade offs too. But it takes sime inner work to properly feel into the decision, whether it's genuine or not to not date or develop relationships. If leading the single life resonates witb you, go do that for a while.

Edited January 17, 2022 by Danioover9000

[Tristan12]

22 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Well that could be said of almost every area or aspect of life, not just dating and relationships. There is always something we miss out on, something that we could have gained through an experience we avoided, there is always an opportunity cost associated with what we lost out on in the process of obtaining another. 

I can sit here and say that I might have missed out on something if I didn't travel to Australia or Greece because I could have learned something on those travels. I could have gained some experience that I might have missed. 

Yet is travelling to Australia really my priority? 

Nope. So why would missing it be an abject concern anyway? 

If it's not your priority, whether you gain it or miss out on it shouldn't be a matter of concern either way.

It's not really like that, avoiding the entire domain of dating and relationships isn't the same as something like not going on a trip somewhere and not having that experience. Relationships are a central component of human life so its a bigger deal to miss out on something like that, and there could be consequences.

24 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Your mind is conjuring up unnecessary doubt and confusion. 

There was nothing to lose objectively speaking. But subjectively your mind can make up anything out of thin air. 

This isn't coming from unnecessary doubt or confusion. I am not interested in having a relationship or pursuing that area in my life, but I want to be sure that I am not making a mistake by avoiding that area that will impair me down the road or lead to regret. I want to make sure I am making a good decision and am not just going about it blindly

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

I want to be sure that I am not making a mistake by avoiding that area that will impair me down the road or lead to regret. I want to make sure I am making a good decision and am not just going about it blindly

The reason this is so hard to answer is because it's a highly subjective question. To some people relationship means the world. To some relationship is a joke or nothing. An experience can be either profound or shallow depending on how you interpret it and what it becomes to you. For me a relationship is absolutely important and it means a lot to me. And so my relationship experiences are quite profound. 

But am I supposed to tell someone that a relationship is important to them just as it is to me? Nope. Because I don't know their perspective on relationships. 

If you asked me if you should miss out on organic food, I would with definite emphasis say a clear "no" because it's absolutely vital for health.

However the experience of a relationship is not an absolute. It's arbitrary. It varies from person to person. If it were a basic essential like nutrition then you wouldn't find so many single people in this world. 

Saying that a relationship is absolutely essential (or not having it would lead to impair/regret) is like saying that all the single people in the world are doing something wrong. But they are not. And they are quite happy. 

So you do see the difficulty in answering such a question. It's a conflicting question. Because it could imply (without intent) a lot of things that are actually not true.

A relationship is somewhat like religion. It's not a basic need, yet it still a need nonetheless. For some people religion is everything, not something they would ever miss out on. Whereas for others, religion doesn't matter and they are quite cool without subscribing to it. 

The same applies to a relationship. It's highly debatable. It depends so much on your own personal choice just like religion is a personal choice. 

You can't let people make choices for you. That's very conflicting. A relationship or the lack of a relationship and how it will impact your life is solely dependent on your own worldview. If you don't think it's a big deal, then it shouldn't impact you. 

A relationship impacts you only to the extent to which you want it to impact you. Nothing less or more. It's very arbitrary. 

It's not an essential need like food. Yes it adds value to life. But this value is supplementary, not basic. 

Plus there are trade-offs to this. 

You can't expect to venture into the market of dating or relationships and expect a great relationship being served to you on a silver platter. You have to do the hard work, give the time, go through the process and then you find a suitable partner. It's a lot of work that you should be willing to do unless you're goddamn lucky to get the best relationship on the first attempt. It's like a bet and you have to weigh your pros and cons on this bet. 

So obviously if you don't have too much time in life to scout for a partner, maybe you shouldn't because you might regret losing on your prioritised opportunities in life in the pursuit of a great relationship. There is more to lose that way depending on your priorities. 

This is like asking - should I have a pet or not? Well indeed having a pet brings quality to life, having a relationship brings even higher quality to life, yet this quality is pretty much context dependent, it depends how much you value this quality yourself. You see how your perspective colors the outcome, if you value this quality it brings to your life then it certainly is something worth investing into. Yet if you don't really value this "quality" enough, then you don't have to worry if you don't acquire it. 

That's why this question is very debatable. 

Relationships obviously add great value to life, although they can sometimes come at a huge cost. But this value is not an absolute value. It is not a basic essential, so you can easily make do without it. 

It's not a question of regret. It's a question of how much you want this value to exist in your life. 

 

[Tristan12]

Thank you everyone, I feel like I have gained some insight into what I want to do about this. I don't think I will be missing out on much by not pursuing dating and relationships if I am genuinely not interested in it, which at this point I'm not. If I change my mind in the future and decide its something I want to pursue, then I will start working on it, but for now at least I can be confident that i'm not making a bad decision by avoiding this area of life as its something that just isn't that important to me

[Tristan12]

@Preety_India Yeah I see what you mean, and I get how this is a subjective matter and its up to me how I feel about it. The reason I wanted to ask others is because i've never been in a relationship before so I only really know how I feel about it from the outside looking in, so I wanted to get some insight from other people on the value relationships provide to their lives even while deeply pursuing spirituality or other things to see how they feel about it. It's just something to think about.

Plus I am young so I want to hear other people's perspectives who are older and have gone through more of life, because I know your opinions on these kinds of matters can change a lot as you get older. I just want to hear from people who have potentially been in my position and hear how things worked out for them.