How can I convince myself that I deserve good things in life?

[Preety_India]

I think I have opened several threads on this issue before but it never resolves. I constantly battle with feelings of "i don't deserve this." 

I constantly feel unworthy. I understand that childhood abuse can cause serious changes to the psyche. But can't it be undone somehow? 

I grew up being called "loser" by my mother all my life. 

It has somehow stuck with me. I don't feel like I deserve anything in life. 

 

I reached a point of self destruction where I ate shitty food and told myself — this is okay. Anyways I don't deserve better. 

I am not gentle with myself. I don't take care of myself. I never feel I'm worthy.. I settle for bad things. 

When I was in an abusive relationship, I never questioned the bad treatment I was getting. I couldn't differentiate between respect and disrespect. I couldn't value myself. It was almost like the lines between love and abuse were blurred. I know a lot of this has to do with my upbringing. 

If I have money to buy something good for myself like a health product, I don't buy it because once again I think I'm not worthy of pampering myself or even basic care. 

When a good looking guy approached me a few years ago I told him no and rejected him because deep down I felt I wasn't worthy of him. I told him that. He was quite surprised by my response. 

If anything good was offered to me I wouldn't take it because I would think that there are others who deserve it better than me. 

When someone disrespects me, I am forced to ask myself — "where are your standards? Why are you allowing this? “ it's almost like I have normalized abuse. 

My mind cannot process good from bad, especially in terms of self care or self protection. 

I don't think of self care at all. 

I don't feel like doing makeup. Although I bought lipsticks and I never tried them. 

I wasn't like this as a teen..I had ambitions and dreams. Now I'm in my mid twenties and I seem to have given up on good things. 

I don't even eat healthy food. 

I have zero interest in upgrading my life because I allow myself to be settled for the lowest possible standards. 

It's like I have lost all self respect and nothing appears to be worth having or worth struggling for.. 

My self worth has reached the lowest. 

I try to simply get by. I don't even question why my life is bad. If I get bad sleep I don't question it. I don't feel the need to take care of myself. It's almost like complete self abandonment. 

 

 

These were the old threads. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

I love you so much hun 

I read all of the threads.

You deserve all the good things in life. You are worthy and deserving off all of the love and affection in the world.

I’ve been in this as well. I think I still am to some degree. I neglect myself. Nothing feels worth doing. It can feel like a never ending cycleZ

I wish I cut give a clear cut answer or solution. My best guess is time and compassion. 

*Hugs you tightly 

Together we will somehow get through this.

I love you hun 

 

 

 

 

It's nice to hear all those words. 

But they don't really help much. Just being honest about it although I appreciate the gesture. 

 

[Raze]

Learn to meet your own emotional needs and heal the part of your personality that feels unworthy, it will relax and let the other parts come more to the forefront 

[Preety_India]

 

I lost my job two months ago because of the pandemic and I have been depressed because of it. 

It has caused me to lose my self esteem. 

Also I haven't been keeping well since. 

Constantly having some or other health problem. 

I have been doing pretty shitty because of all this. 

My financial situation is not that bad right now. 

If I return back to normal health, I plan on working again. Till then I need a health break. 

Plus because of this pandemic I just don't want to take the risk of looking for a job right now. 

Sometimes I feel like ending my life because what's the point? 

Everyday is just a struggle. 

2022 looks difficult to me. I don't even know what to do. I feel hopeless. 

 

 

[Cathal]

as a child you identified these feelings from being abused as 'you' right, that YOU are inherently unworthy as a human being and it has determined your behaviours up until now but,

have you ever just felt.. unworthy? like, admitted defeat to it? just accepted and validated that you feel unworthy? actually say to yourself... "yeah i'm unworthy, i actually believe that, i feel that" and just find some relief, that 'aaaah' moment, like you're falling into a comfortable chair after work. perhaps if you do that, you might feel really uncomfortable. but i think you get exhausted because there's a massive struggle internally to feel worthy.

and you end up hopeless because you're still trying to search for this external worth.

i think there may be resistance to this, if you completely admit and surrender defeat to your unworthiness (maybe the struggle against your mother?)  you can find some relief there.

it's just like admitting to yourself and finding relief that you are imperfect, and no longer going on struggling to be perfect. see the pointlessness in it, but then you are like what will make me feel worthy? i don't know, intergrity activity - aligning yourself with what you desire in life and taking action towards it, this approach is more for allowing yourself to stop struggling against yourself, you end up in a deep pit of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anything going on that way

 

[happyhappy]

@Preety_India

47 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Sometimes I feel like ending my life because what's the point? 

Everyday is just a struggle. 

2022 looks difficult to me. I don't even know what to do. I feel hopeless. 

c'mn sis! u got this!

i have seen a ton of golden advice given to other members by you. why not apply them urself huh? 

u already know the underlying childhood trauma causing this loop and there is always a way out of the childhood programming. i might sound too rational and promise a head on approach. sometimes, getting our hands on the dirt helps really.

9 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

as a child you identified these feelings from being abused as 'you' right, that YOU are inherently unworthy as a human being and it has determined your behaviours up until now but,

have you ever just felt.. unworthy? like, admitted defeat to it? just accepted and validated that you feel unworthy? actually say to yourself... "yeah i'm unworthy, i actually believe that, i feel that" and just find some relief, that 'aaaah' moment, like you're falling into a comfortable chair after work. perhaps if you do that, you might feel really uncomfortable. but i think you get exhausted because there's a massive struggle internally to feel worthy.

and you end up hopeless because you're still trying to search for this external worth.

i think there may be resistance to this, if you completely admit and surrender defeat to your unworthiness (maybe the struggle against your mother?)  you can find some relief there.

it's just like admitting to yourself and finding relief that you are imperfect, and no longer going on struggling to be perfect. see the pointlessness in it, but then you are like what will make me feel worthy? i don't know, intergrity activity - aligning yourself with what you desire in life and taking action towards it, this approach is more for allowing yourself to stop struggling against yourself, you end up in a deep pit of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anything going on that way

 

and this is spot on! 

Edited January 16, 2022 by happyhappy

[Preety_India]

25 minutes ago, catcat69123 said:

as a child you identified these feelings from being abused as 'you' right, that YOU are inherently unworthy as a human being and it has determined your behaviours up until now but,

have you ever just felt.. unworthy? like, admitted defeat to it? just accepted and validated that you feel unworthy? actually say to yourself... "yeah i'm unworthy, i actually believe that, i feel that" and just find some relief, that 'aaaah' moment, like you're falling into a comfortable chair after work. perhaps if you do that, you might feel really uncomfortable. but i think you get exhausted because there's a massive struggle internally to feel worthy.

and you end up hopeless because you're still trying to search for this external worth.

i think there may be resistance to this, if you completely admit and surrender defeat to your unworthiness (maybe the struggle against your mother?)  you can find some relief there.

it's just like admitting to yourself and finding relief that you are imperfect, and no longer going on struggling to be perfect. see the pointlessness in it, but then you are like what will make me feel worthy? i don't know, intergrity activity - aligning yourself with what you desire in life and taking action towards it, this approach is more for allowing yourself to stop struggling against yourself, you end up in a deep pit of hopelessness and not giving a fuck about anything going on that way

 

That's very good advice. It opened a new perspective. 

[Wilhelm44]

What do you believe needs to change in your life for you to feel worthy of your own love ? 

 

[Preety_India]

9 hours ago, Wilhelm44 said:

What do you believe needs to change in your life for you to feel worthy of your own love ? 

 

I want my mind to think that I'm worthy of things instead of the opposite. 

 

[Wilhelm44]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I want my mind to think that I'm worthy of things instead of the opposite. 

 

Look at all the reasons the mind gives you for not being worthy of things. I bet you that every single one of those reasons have been made up by society. So question the mind's reasoning: When it says you're not worthy of this or that because so and so, simply ask: Who does this reasoning belong to ? Does my heart authentically believe this to be true, or is it simply a make belief idea my mind adopted from society. In the end it all comes back to self love, loving oneself as you are right now.  And the mind will also have lots of reasons why you can't love yourself fully right now. Once again, all those reasons have been invented by society, based on the false belief that "I am incomplete".

Edited January 17, 2022 by Wilhelm44

[Tristan12]

At the deepest level, all feelings of unworthiness come from unprocessed shame from childhood. It can be healed, through deep emotional processing. If you want to heal completely, and not just cover it up or feel better on the surface, nothing you tell yourself about how worthy you are and no reasoning you come up with as to why you don't have to feel unworthy will help, because the core issue is a blocked and unprocessed emotion, which cannot be resolved by trying to think or rationalize your way out of it. This emotion needs to be faced, felt through, processed and integrated. It just needs love.

[Preety_India]

56 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

This emotion needs to be faced, felt through, processed and integrated. It just needs love.

How should I face these emotions and how should I integrate it? 

[Blackhawk]

1 hour ago, Tristan12 said:

At the deepest level, all feelings of unworthiness come from unprocessed shame from childhood. It can be healed, through deep emotional processing.

I disagree.

My childhood was good, but I know for a fact that I'm 100% unworthy of everything.

The truth is that some people are unworthy.

But I think that Preety_India probably isn't unworthy.

[Tristan12]

31 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

How should I face these emotions and how should I integrate it? 

There are lots of techniques out there for processing emotions from childhood but in my opinion most of them don't get to the root. My life purpose and my work is in psychology and the very thing I have been focusing on for the past 2 years is creating a process that heals childhood wounds at the deepest level to the point where they are resolved completely. The process I am creating would be the easiest and most direct root to this depth of healing (which is why I am creating it) but unfortunately I am not finished it yet. If you want you can follow my youtube channel where I post info on this stuff and will be posting my healing process once I am done: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9vkQMt-MlvK9Xvnf-JiggQ

Teal Swan has a book called "the completion process" that leads to this type of healing. Her process is lengthy and can be difficult, which is why I am working on creating a simpler one, but it still works, so that's an option for you. Also check out this video, it explains how core trauma works and the general idea of what needs to happen to heal it: 

This type of healing can also be done through psychedelics. If you're interested in that, check out the book "psychedelic psychotherapy" by R. Coleman.

Until then, I would just focus on learning how to treat your emotions better (which I have videos on on my channel). You need to learn to treat your shame/unworthiness like a hurt child, that you empathize with and understand, rather than something that's against you that you feel you need to counter or correct. It will make it much easier to deal with.

Hopefully this is helpful to you. If you still have trouble with this I would be happy to help you 1 on 1 once my healing process is done. I want to get practice walking people through it.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Tristan12 said:

There are lots of techniques out there for processing emotions from childhood but in my opinion most of them don't get to the root. My life purpose and my work is in psychology and the very thing I have been focusing on for the past 2 years is creating a process that heals childhood wounds at the deepest level to the point where they are resolved completely. The process I am creating would be the easiest and most direct root to this depth of healing (which is why I am creating it) but unfortunately I am not finished it yet. If you want you can follow my youtube channel where I post info on this stuff and will be posting my healing process once I am done: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9vkQMt-MlvK9Xvnf-JiggQ

Teal Swan has a book called "the completion process" that leads to this type of healing. Her process is lengthy and can be difficult, which is why I am working on creating a simpler one, but it still works, so that's an option for you. Also check out this video, it explains how core trauma works and the general idea of what needs to happen to heal it: 

This type of healing can also be done through psychedelics. If you're interested in that, check out the book "psychedelic psychotherapy" by R. Coleman.

Until then, I would just focus on learning how to treat your emotions better (which I have videos on on my channel). You need to learn to treat your shame/unworthiness like a hurt child, that you empathize with and understand, rather than something that's against you that you feel you need to counter or correct. It will make it much easier to deal with.

Hopefully this is helpful to you. If you still have trouble with this I would be happy to help you 1 on 1 once my healing process is done. I want to get practice walking people through it.

Thank you so much. 

 

[Tristan12]

45 minutes ago, Blackhawk said:

I disagree.

My childhood was good, but I know for a fact that I'm 100% unworthy of everything.

The truth is that some people are unworthy.

But I think that Preety_India probably isn't unworthy.

I am not trying to counter what you're saying or get you to change what you believe, but from my view it seems that you are neck deep in shame from childhood that has not been resolved, and that is creating these beliefs you are holding. You really just need love deep down within you to be able to release that shame, and then you would think differently. That's just my opinion, but think what you want.

Also, having a good childhood really doesn't tell you whether you were shamed or not, because shaming is usually not an obvious trauma but just an avoidance and dismissal of a child's emotions and needs, and that can happen so easily from parents who just don't know any better. It only needs to happen once for it to affect you. Wounding from shame also happens so early on that you wouldn't remember it.

[Preety_India]

On 17/01/2022 at 1:16 PM, Tristan12 said:

Also, having a good childhood really doesn't tell you whether you were shamed or not, b

I agree. 

 

[puporing]

You just do! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

[Hugo Oliveira]

I don't know if the avatar photo is yourself, but just by observing your general interaction in the forum your image In my head is of a beautiful and conscious woman. You are here with your compassioned heart and best efforts doing good for others and for yourself. I'm pretty sure that you could make another list about how much you love yourself, and this one would probably be much bigger. 

[Preety_India]

@Hugo Oliveira yes the avatar photo is me. Thanks for the kind words.