After 3 decades, Discovering I've had ADHD all my life...

[mivafofa]

This is probably the most humbling experience I've ever had.. Somehow I always thought of myself as a well-balanced normal person with a healthy functional brain but gifted, and felt proud being that. So it wasn't easy for me to acknowledge that I actually have impairment and that I'm not as functional as I believed I was.

And you know what my life feels like right now? And I kid you not - I feel like Leonardo Dicaprio in the movie Shutter Island [SPOILER AHEAD]

I knew I was different from the "norm" all my life.  People call me hyper weird and eccentric. But I just thought I was gifted... and I always wondered what it must be like for people with diagnoses and disorders. I looked at them in a puzzled ponder, believing all this time I was normal like everyone else (just gifted). And the grand irony is while wondering what it was like, this whole time what I thought was a gift was the answer to my puzzling pondering..

[Highlight Spoiler]

It's as if I go to an asylum full of crazy people. Staffs are normal folks. I'm normal too, but I'm a Marshall, so I'm technically "superior/trained" (gifted). But I wonder what those crazy people feel like from the inside though .. How do they function and think with their deformed brain..? And then later on, it's revealed I was one of them this whole time - wow jokes on me. This grand irony... A real insane person is one who truly thinks he's sane..

[End of Spoiler]

And I feel like that:

I'd love to hear from people knowledgeable about ADHD in this forum...
EDIT: How to fight the feeling of feeling like a defect...

Edited January 16, 2022 by mivafofa

[bejapuskas]

Would you be comfortable with sharing more details about how you discovered this? I also have Shutter Island feelings these days haha, want somebody to relate with.

[mivafofa]

@bejapuskas hey bejapuskas! long time no see.  I always knew I had some attention deficit, but I thought it was the same like everyone else's, so I never looked at the condition thoroughly.  I took a class in acting, and coming back from holidays, I indulged myself in movies for study purpose (and relaxation) and didn't train for 3 weeks (i usually train 5x a week).  My attention deficit got tremendously worse I could not listen to the teacher for the life of me. I have a classmate who was diagnosed with ADHD and when this classmate was able to pay more attention than me, I knew something was up.  So I decided to look up every ADHD symptoms and read all the articles for the first time, and there it was on Wikipedia, my whole life described on the internet.  and it all made sense now -

My life is chaotic, I'm disorganized, horrible time management, chronically late, easily distracted, hyper, boundless amount of energy, insanely creative and versatile, impulsive, wildly outspoken. My massive sleep disorder. My inability to keep a job for too long hence why I only accepted contracts. My attention deficit yet hyperfocus on specific things that makes me overwork and restless.  Recklessly keep losing or forgetting things behind even if i follow all the tips and tricks from "normal" people. Can't listen to a teacher unless I doodle or eat or do smthg. Explains why I never had patience for taichi or yoga. And I can't sit still for the life of me. It explains 99 things in my life. I'm eventually gonna get it officially diagnosed, but I just discovered it yesterday.. and the puzzle just started clicking all together now...

 

I really can't sit still... back when I worked in an office as a digital artist, I had to buy a balloon at work to sit on so I can keep moving while working and my workmates would sometimes take pictures cuz I always ended up in ridiculous positions.

Edited January 15, 2022 by mivafofa

[Preety_India]

Could it be that you have bipolar disorder? 

Honestly a lot of your symptoms match bipolar disorder, similar to my mom. 

You might want to look into it. 

ADHD could be along with bipolar. 

Bipolar is just more than mood swings. 

Bipolar people are unable to hold a job, constantly suffer restlessness, cannot sit still, get distracted easily, massive sleep disorder, boundless amount of energy, insanely creative, outspoken, hyper all the time, impulsive, reckless, keep forgetting or losing things, lose control easily, always tend to doodle whenever someone is saying something, can't be organized, chaotic all the time, can never pay attention, constant mood swings, phases of Delusions, can't sit still, hyper creative. All these symptoms match my mother and she is diagnosed with bipolar. 

She has been taking meds and she is doing better and more organized. 

 

 

With all your symptoms, don't rule out bipolar. There is a heaven and earth difference between symptoms of bipolar mentioned online versus actual bipolar symptoms. Don't be fooled by the internet. 

The internet gives a very basic limited outlook on a mental illness. It is not a whole picture. Relying on internet stated symptoms can lead to massive misdiagnosis. 

Get checked with a psychiatrist specialized in bipolar treatment and diagnosis.

Also visit some specialist for ADHD diagnosis. 

Don't get misdiagnosed. 

This can't be done on the internet. You will need practical diagnosis with a doctor. 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Thought Art]

I was diagnosed at like age 7

 

[Raze]

Read the ultramind solution. A diet can reduce adhd symptoms.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixxMyjejn38

[mivafofa]

@Preety_India I see the resemblance, lots of the symptoms are comorbiditing, but I don't have constant mood swings, not even during my periods.  I also don't lose control easily or have phases of delusions either.   I have issue with focusing and paying attention on many things tough.  And sorry I mis-explained the job part, it's not that I'm unable to hold a job - I'm able to, but I choose not to due my desire to move around.  I will definitely get reassess by a professional as soon as I can though. thanks. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by mivafofa

[Windappreciator]

there is always more to realise

[mivafofa]

@Thought Art Thanks for the Channel!! i subscribed and will watch more of her content. I wish I was diagnosed sooner too..

@Raze Nice that looks really insightful video! I think i was exactly needing something like that

Edited January 16, 2022 by mivafofa

[bejapuskas]

@mivafofa Thanks for sharing, that sounds really eye-opening. Did you use to tell yourself it is something not natural and given but perhaps something you can get better at, like the time management and all those other things? I feel like at one point when I was watching Leo everyday, I would always think about this 100% responsibility rule and never thought there could be any limiting conditions to anyone's life. Do you know what I mean or does that not apply to you?

I am sharing some videos, one of my ex girlfriends had ADHD and we watched these together, she said it really helped.

There are more on the same channel.

[flume]

Reach out to @flowboy, he's helping people with ADD all the time + has dealt with it himself 

[mivafofa]

@bejapuskas  Thank you so much!! Really great information, might rewatch again

@flume thank you for the reference! will do

[BipolarGrowth]

Funnily enough in the context of this thread, I actually have ADHD and bipolar disorder both clinically diagnosed in rather foolproof ways. 
 

You used to see yourself as having a gift. That’s how it actually was for you. Now, you discover that that same gift lines up with something people typically call a disorder. Now, you start to feel worse about yourself. 
 

The gift is still there just as much as ever. Now you just realize that is a double edged sword in a sense. ADHD can be beneficial in certain ways for sure, and it can also be detrimental in certain ways. 
 

All this really means is your brain is a bit different than most people’s. Now that you have a bit more context, you can do things to try to keep the advantages and work on the disadvantages. The result could be a much “better” you. This is actually a lucky opportunity in a sense. You have the potential to understand aspects of yourself in a new way. 
 

If 95% of the population had ADHD, a normal brain to us now would quite likely be called a disorder. 
 

When I was first taking a computer test facilitated by my therapist to test for ADHD after scoring as having ADHD on a questionnaire he gave me, I tested far worse than most people in regards to attention/reaction time. After trying the test on ADHD medication, I scored far better than neurotypical people. The scores were something like -3.5 and 7.2. A score of zero is average or normal. The first time I showed a significant deficiency, the second time I showed an advantage over twice further off the norm in the positive direction.

 

People with ADHD have a bias toward more stimulation whereas people without ADHD often do better with less. It’s not really a disorder in a sense. It’s just that our world is built for neurotypical people. 
 

I’d imagine you likely have the ability to hyper-focus on things you are interested in compared to people who are neurotypical if you do in fact have ADHD. One of the best things that’s worked for me is to structure my life in a way that I get to use this hyper-focus as an advantage. It’s as simple as structuring your life around stuff you actually care about and enjoy doing which is generally beneficial whether someone is neurotypical or not. 

There is certainly an overlap in certain symptoms in regard to bipolar disorder and ADHD. The chance that you have bipolar disorder type 1 is likely quite low. You would’ve been hospitalized for it by 30+ years old in almost all cases. 
 

There’s a chance you could have bipolar disorder type 2 (which is characterized by less severe/intense manic episodes), but I wouldn’t worry much about this unless you notice a number of large state changes in yourself. Bipolar disorder is not really much about moods. It’s about states. A state change is far more significant than a mood shift. There are plenty of people who experience tumultuous mood shifts that are rather neurotypical, at least at the genetic level. There are hardly no people who experience manic or hypomanic state changes naturally who do not have a “disorder”. If you and others around you do not notice significant changes in your expression moving from hypomanic/manic to depressive, the chance that you have bipolar disorder is quite low. 
 

I’d recommend getting tested for ADHD as soon as is reasonable, and if you still feel there’s something more not explaining the full picture, you can try getting evaluated for other factors. 
 

I recommend doing the test sooner rather than later as it will open the door to the use of medication if necessary which has positively transformed many people’s lives. Also, keep in mind that if you do go to consider medication there are ADHD medications that are not stimulants which work well for some. 

Hope this helps. 

Edited February 22, 2022 by BipolarGrowth

[mivafofa]

@BipolarGrowth omg that is so wholesome!! :'(  Thank you so much for your analyzation, insight, reassurance, and experience and story. this is so precious. I know it's great to have a brain different from the norm.. but when the research says it's because the left frontal lobe is underdeveloped.... I just had hard time trying to not feel like a defect, and being satisfied about being difference after all. All of sudden I remembered all these chaotic flaws that were obstructing all my life which revealed to be ADHD, and I felt limited and deficient... 

 

Edit: Where I felt gifted in life was my ability to think way outside the box (assuming the box is how NTs usually think), which always made me more daring and more creative than average people. Being very versatile as well, and having generally great proficiency in whatever I'm interested into (which is probably caused by the hyperfocus)

Edited February 22, 2022 by mivafofa

[mivafofa]

2 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

If you and others around you do not notice significant changes in your expression moving from hypomanic/manic to depressive, the chance that you have bipolar disorder is quite low.

I didn't notice.. I don't remember having issue with significant changes in expression or states... I could be wrong but no one ever point it out to me if I did.  I have a classmate who has bipolar type2.  She gets easily irritated in ways I don't understand... Her states and moods can vary drastically in short amount of time much to my surprise.  She's a fun person but I kinda doubt I have this honestly I can't relate... and I don't get easily irritated. I get easily bored.

2 hours ago, BipolarGrowth said:

I’d recommend getting tested for ADHD as soon as is reasonable, and if you still feel there’s something more not explaining the full picture, you can try getting evaluated for other factors. 

I mean.. I didn't feel there was anything not explaining in the full picture.  ADHD was self-explanatory already all my symptoms correlated.

For evaluation, I'm currently on the waiting list to see the professional to get officially diagnosed. You're the 2nd person here suggesting it might be bipolar so I'll def ask.
 

[Ulax]

The r/adhd subreddit is really useful

[Ima Freeman]

@mivafofa @BipolarGrowth I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. But I suspect mild Aspergers syndrome describes my condition better.

ADHD, bipolar disorder, Aspergers, etc. are just models used to characterize deficencies and aberration to a properly working mind.
Thats it, they are human made models. Don't confuse the maps for the territory.

Of course these aberrations can result in gifts, but there still are a lot of deficencies. Having a agitated mind, racing thoughs, bodily restlessness, being unable to communicate with others and thus having social anxiety, being impulsive and manic and doing reckless things,...

Identifying with some limited models and finding some definitions that lead to you not investigating the cause of your deficencies can stunt your future growth significantly.
If drugs are alleviating these symptoms, that should give a valuable clue. How do drugs act? On a chemical basis.
- So, what factors can mess with your (neuro-)chemistry?
- What are possible causes of a impaired (neuro-)chemistry?
- Where did you came in contact with these possible causes in your history?
- What can be done to remove/alleviate/heal from these causes?

Thinking outside the box will help you answer these questions. 

[BipolarGrowth]

@mivafofa just to be clear, I was suggesting that you likely do not have bipolar disorder. If you think ADHD is covering the full picture, there’s a good chance that’s more accurate than bipolar disorder. 

[softlyblossoming]

On 22/02/2022 at 6:56 AM, BipolarGrowth said:

There’s a chance you could have bipolar disorder type 2 (which is characterized by less severe/intense manic episodes), but I wouldn’t worry much about this unless you notice a number of large state changes in yourself. Bipolar disorder is not really much about moods. It’s about states. A state change is far more significant than a mood shift. There are plenty of people who experience tumultuous mood shifts that are rather neurotypical, at least at the genetic level. There are hardly no people who experience manic or hypomanic state changes naturally who do not have a “disorder”. If you and others around you do not notice significant changes in your expression moving from hypomanic/manic to depressive, the chance that you have bipolar disorder is quite low. 

Hi, Brandon, could you please explain a little more as to what differentiates moods from states? Thanks!

[Ulax]

I'd recommend you try the breathing exercise from this vid for say 10 minutes (You can watch some random vid while you do the actual breathing exercise).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBdhqBGqiMc