Trusting 5 Meo Dmt

[laurastarla]

When I was preparing my first 5 meo dmt dose memories of all of the drugs I did a long time ago came flooding back. Hours of the most meaningful discussions, amazing insights, believing I was cracking secrets of the universe. Looking back at those times as real as they seemed, they were just delusions and fake intensity. But yet - I felt so deeply connected to people that in my 'real' life I wouldn't enjoy at all, every thought fascinating- isn't that what we hear the truth is, connection and boundless appreciation for all? That's what I want to find out you know, just like you, WHAT IS REAL ?

With 5 meo dmt, this is different, right? I was running from the truth then and now the goal is to experience truth. People here have already described beautifully what I went through, the terror and awe, animal like regression, vastness. I felt the infinity coming on rushing in streaming out- it was too big for me. I surrendered enough so as not to completely fall into the terror but no did not go all the way. I kept thinking oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck and then oh god and then it's too big too big oh fuck oh god. Interesting I thought 'fuck' a lot more than 'God'.

What I'm feeling now is disappointment, am I just getting cracked out on drugs and my ego wants to believe this is some doorway to God so I can say wow I experienced God? and because 5 meo dmt may not turn out to be the catapult I've been hoping it would be. Or maybe I'm just scared to do it again and convincing myself that. Maybe I don't believe I am worthy, that I could really be a part of what I felt. Maybe I am terrified of being overwhelmed, serious engulfment. What if this experience was fake, a drug induced hallucination and another ego manipulation I am tricking myself into. Oohh a new fancy toy that will grow old like they always do and you put it away for the next new thing. And then I wonder if what I am saying now is just an ego manipulation, so I won't have to go all the way. I'm doubting my ability to really do this, failing, not being conscious and courageous enough, and this disappointment could be with myself. 

There was no pivotal choice moment. The universe said here are all the oceans now swallow them whole in one gulp. I am just this tiny little human like thing, I said, without speaking or thinking, what you are asking isn't possible, the oceans are too big for me and you know that!!!! How can you ask me to do what I am not made for doing??? And then I fought with the howness. This is not literally what happened I'm trying to describe the feeling underneath it all in retrospect.  I want so badly to stop being this "I" that wants things so badly. I didn't feel that this a decision I get to make, to surrender. I get angry, like when will the grace moment happen, when will the universe decide I can feel it's oneness, why does it still keep myself blind to it and lost in this illusion of separation as we all love to say? No, YOU are blocking yourself off to it, by still believing you are this tiny human like thing, but this 'you' doesn't exist, how is that possible then?? How can something that doesn't exist be in a sense stronger than the all and the nothing?? I feel like a baby whining why do I have to go through the terror to get to the joy? Why doesn't the universe just take me - especially since it already is the case that I am already taken! and it's not even my choice, 'I' am just a pion. I feel almost ... bullied and toyed with. Yeah yeah victim victim. I know it's bs. I've just realized I'm talking about the universe as if it's this enormity of all that is and I am a pitiful thing outside of it, waiting for the day it will decide I am good enough or have done enough (or suffered enough maybe) for it to open it's door that I can come in and be accepted. mmmm this vision of God definitely could use some working. Even the 5 meo dmt I've turned it into a 'will I be able to do it good enough', even though all of my discussion is about how I don't get to decide. 

Oh man this is not just words when we hear over and over the ego has to die. Torture in ego's eyes like burning in God's light. Maybe we have to look death straight in the face to finally know it isn't even there at all. And 'I' have to do it, even though 'I' will not be doing it, and am not even capable and nothing even will be being done. 

[WaveInTheOcean]

All I'm seeing here is a mind trying to make sense of an experience it wasn't ready to handle.

I'm not judging you though, and I'll just say this: move on. Learn more. Lay the drugs aside for now.

You have all these expectations in your mind of what it will be like to "meet God".

Drop all these expectations. No expectation you may have is right, and as long as you cling to any expectation -- you will not meet God, never ever ever.

The truth is, the "you" (or "I"/"me") that think it got hurt doing the experience, that thought it surrendered somewhat, "is now disappointed", believe "it is now scared", "wonders if it was just a fake hallucination" .. that "I" does not exist! That "I" is in itself "just" a complex pattern of thoughts/sensations that You (=the real You/True Self=Awareness) somehow happens to identify with.

What you really are is pure empty Awareness. And Awareness can never be hurt, can never be killed, can never be born.

Please watch the two following videos with an open mind, and learn, and move on (and most importantly: experience it for yourself what I'm and Rupert are saying is true (that is: meditation, contemplation)):

 

 

Edited January 7, 2017 by WaveInTheOcean

[Leo Gura]

@laurastarla Good! All of that monkey-mind is part of your process. Stay with it. Keep investigating WHAT AM I? WHAT IS REALITY?

Yes, you're in over your head. But that's how it is. Have faith in your intent to discover the truth.

If 5-meo doesn't do it for ya, so what? It's just one tool, one experience. Why make such a big deal out of it? You don't need to trust anything. Just keep your mind open as you go through life, and be curious.