Anger With Spouse

[LETGO]

I am really working on myself and trying to improve all around but especially in responding to anger, confrontations, etc. with my spouse. We are very much alike and they love to fight/argue and I feel like the main goal is to always make it to where I feel like shit and I'm the one apologizing when in the reality, I didn't do anything. It's really difficult and I am finding it harder the more I figure out about myself. I am trying to handle situations differently but they are all taken as I don't care, I'm heartless, etc. I'm lost, don't know what to do. Can't imagine not being with them but I want us to be happy... ugh!

[Jackie]

Let your spouse know that you have their best interest at heart.  Don't come back with anger, and don't apologize for things that you have not done wrong.  If you have made a mistake, sincerely apologize for it.   Take good care of yourself and try not to take things personally.  Have you read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? The second agreement is Don't take things personally.  What someone else does is a projection of their reality.  That being said, don't let yourself be in verbally abusive or toxic relationships.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Jackie

[Meera]

when people speak, they are mostly talking about themselves.  If your spouse is saying "you don't care.  You're heartless", (s)he most likely means to convey "I don't feel loved enough". 

I would suggest The 5 Love Languages  and a frank discussion about it.  Before that you may need to honestly assess the relationship though - are you putting in effort?  Do you do/say less romantic things than you used to?  Or is (s)he expecting too much from you?

 

I would stop apologizing if you aren't sincere, that doesn't help either of you.  A deep breath and the honest truth will get you a lot farther than placating her, that only postpones the argument.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Meera
I didn't like the wording I used

[Guest]

First of all don't put pressure on yourself. When 2 people argue it's not always one-sided. Don't speak when you're angry. Focus on an object or go away. Tell your spouse what makes you angry or talk about the problem and make sure it won't happen again. Don't criticize yourself because of your own behaviours. Don't do the same behaviours that you don't like. Make sure the same problems won't happen again. If the problems repeat try staying silent all the time and find yourself an hobby to do when you're angry.

Just like your nick name. Let go.

[FindingPeace]

18 hours ago, LETGO said:

I am really working on myself and trying to improve all around but especially in responding to anger, confrontations, etc. with my spouse. We are very much alike and they love to fight/argue and I feel like the main goal is to always make it to where I feel like shit and I'm the one apologizing when in the reality, I didn't do anything. It's really difficult and I am finding it harder the more I figure out about myself. I am trying to handle situations differently but they are all taken as I don't care, I'm heartless, etc. I'm lost, don't know what to do. Can't imagine not being with them but I want us to be happy... ugh!

Sounds familiar.. The key issue here is the inability to have clam, impartial, open and honest channels of communication. I have a similar problem with my own spouse. It is a tricky one. Usually the result of one or both people responding to situations in highly emotional and egoic ways.

 

11 hours ago, Meera said:

when people speak, they are mostly talking about themselves.

True to a point. Also people  are talking from their own perspective without a care or consideration for the other person's. Comes back to the ego. This kind of situation boils down to an ego-game. The biggest ego bullies the weaker one in to submission.

I totally get the bit where it is implied that "you don't care..you're heartless..." or the "if you love me then you would/wouldn't...". I've had this. It's an inevitable clash of different levels of consciousness between the 2 people. The higher-conscious mind wants to be rational and level-headed, the lower-conscious mind wants to be egotistical, defensive, selfish. Unfortunately the low-conscious minds tend to believe and feel everything they say - "you don't care" means "you don't care what I think and feel because if you did we wouldn't be having this argument." it also says "I don't care what you think and feel because that is of no benefit to me..".

All comes back to communication skills, which themselves come down to other issues within the individuals' psyche and a fundamental incompatability issue.

How do I deal with it? Firstly, I've learned to improve my boundaries. So if the other person is talking to me in a disrespectful and overly emotional way then I will call it out. Tell them I'm not going to engage with it until they can be more rational. Secondly I don't play in to the ego battle. I listen, I acknowledge. I don't react to the information until I have thought carefully about it. I try to resist giving any egoic or defensive response. I may not agree with or like what I hear but I don't dive in with a counter argument or criticism. I try to get a picture of what the other person is thinking and feeling and try to respond with something non-provocative but constructive.

Main thing I do is practice acceptance. Some peope just can't communicate. After time you get to know how someone thinks and responds to situations. Fighting it is pointless so accepting it is the next best thing. Sometimes, just accepting what they say, taking the flak and letting them have their moment of release without engaging in it yourself is the most constructive course of action. Give it some time and usually things return back to normal. Not the most functional way to have a relationship but sometimes it's a case of picking your battles carefully.

 

Most importantly don't feed in to the battle. Control your own reactions. Respond with statements of facts, not with accusations, criticisms or judgments. Avoid the ego defenses. Keep it objective and not subjective. Also, perhaps it is time to get together and address the communication issue that you two have. Doing this, in itself, shows that you do care and want to improve the nature of your relationship.

[LETGO]

Thank you, those are some very helpful words. I know I am at fault sometimes as well but I truly am trying to work on that. Any other recommendations would be greatly appreciated and heard. I am going to check out the Four Agreements book as well.

 

@FindingPeace @Sarper @Meera @Jackie

[Blessed81]

There is a guy named Corey Wayne check out his videos on youtube.  He is a relationship and life coach.  He has many videos im sure you and your dude can learn tons from.  He put out a book called "how to be a 3% man", the book literally changed my whole life for the better, i understand women and i dont argue with them anymore.  Any man that argues with women does not undestand them.  And visa versa.  You both need to study the opposite sex's psychology so you understand eachother and why you guys do what you do.  The male and female operate totally different and its crucial that you both learn atleast the basics of how the other person works.