Parents and child are in different spiral dynamic stages

[teraflu]

Starting that my family is stage blue/orange and I think and interact with stage green, yellow and even turquoise people. I've always read books from higher stages and they don't read at all, they are just involved with their 9-5 jobs for government.

I introduced them with spiritual growth, but they are scientific minded, they are not willing to accept it.

I live on my own far from them, but they still want to influence my decisions. Especially when I decided quit university and seek more spiritual nomad lifestyle. I am into energetic healing and for the past year I have been just quiet around my parents. Because sometimes comparing to my old environment my new lifestyle and thought sounds crazy in front of them. I am afraid to speak up, because they will not accept my true self. In the past I tried to speak with them their own language about scientific facts, but now it triggers me. 

Now this is tricky situation, because they REQUIRE to explain myself what I am doing with my life, but if I start to speak, the gap between me and them becomes even bigger, they see I have changed. They want me to see psychologist, they think I got mad or something (they are separated). 

I clearly see their traumas and I want them to heal. I healed myself from family line trauma, but they are still into it. It hurts for me to see them trapped in their own minds. And it hurts even more that they react very personally to my every single life decision, their happiness depends on it. They want me to continue my old job in bank. But my dream is to heal people and also be hairdresser and I am seeking it very passionately. But I do not have a proof of clients and cashflow yet and it will take time to look stable for them. For me, I already feel stable. 

Do I just leave my parents behind? I want to be with them and spent time, I am really family and 'moms' person (i love my mom very much). But we are from different worlds. I know I cause them stress, because they have never travelled and tried so many things as I did. I do not want my mom to get disease from stress. She has sleepless nights and her skin sometimes looks too pale. And all of it is because of me.

I will also mention that I have a fear to speak up. No problem with same stage people, but I will not open up to anyone who is lower stage. (fear of judgement?)

What do you choose to do with your family when you outgrow them and seriously seek spirituality? Anyone in similar situation?

 

[Haribo]

It that doesn’t entail dying from starvation, always choose to be you.

In this last year or so i found there is nothing that hurts the soul as much as having to pretend to be someone else.

My parents are very open minded, but i had a very close relationship to my boss (i’m an intern in a law firm) and i felt his expectations towards me and i really wanted to live up to them, maybe one day be a partner in his firm.

But it wasn’t what i dreamt for my life, and as hard as it was to tell him i wanted to leave it was one of the most liberating things i’ve ever done.

You really want to spend years of your life in something that doesn’t make you full filled?

Go have a serious talk with them, it will be worth it.

[Snader]

I feel you. It is so damn hard to explain your deeper self to someone who's not in touch at all with theirs. Very little can be communicated and pretty much everything you feel you've communicated, will most likely be interpreted wrong.

One thing that must be accepted, is that nobody will never totally understand you via words. Some relationships you simply cannot make deep, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy those relationships and have those people in your life.

If their way of living triggers you, I would start there. Work on learning to understand them. They are worried about you probably much more than you are worried about them. If they start sensing acceptance and undestanding from you, then they might start seeing you in better light and start giving you back that same acceptance. 

You might also want to show them signs (in their language) that you are doing fine and you are happy with your life. Of course you should aim to authenticity in their presence, but there is probably a big gap between their and your way of seeing the world. So if you're above them, then you should be able to meet them at where they are.

Development comes with responsiblity and relationships test you first.

[puporing]

I have been/am in a similar situation. I had to let go of the idea of a close or supportive relationship, or getting approval from them.. You can still love them and have compassion for them, but you would be disappointed at trying to change them or make them see things the way you do. They may or may not in the future, but be detached to it and continue to pursue what's important to you regardless. This can feel like eating glass in the beginning, but it will get better and you will be glad to have stuck to what's important to you. 

On a practical level...you will probably have to talk to them to set boundaries. Like being explicit about you have different values and that you do not want to share everything going on with you now, that you need space, etc. I know it's hard if you have authoritarian or controlling parents. But they have to back off... I hope you can find an ally and/or the inner strength to confront them on this.

[Gianna]

Stage blue/orange= unconscious love, false love, attached 'love', toxic 'love'.

Your parents are under the illusion that they love you and want the best for you so they are trying to control your decisions. But how could they say they love you when trying to control you is rejecting you? As you are. As your heart is. Do my parents really love me if they don't accept my heart? If they will only accept me in a certain way? A way that they believe in? This form of 'love' they are portraying is a form of attachment. It is a love that says I will accept you, admire you, give to you, learn from you, appreciate you, when you act a certain way. A way that validates my beliefs. When you do not act in this way, I cannot accept you, I cannot accept your way of being. I reject it, so I reject you. True love is detached and accepting of whatever is. It is a state of wonder and admiration for someone's authentic nature. How they are, how they wish to be. They are not reaching this state of love with you because they are not viewing you as an independent person but as an extension of themselves. So when they say they love you and want you to be a certain way, that certain way that they love is a way/mirror of themselves. So they are only trying to love themselves more. Or trying to love you as an extension of themselves. So it is a selfish form of love because they want you to validate their own decisions they have made in life, instead of loving you for how you are or what is best for you. Don't make your life about validating theirs. Live out your dreams because that is why you are here. Actualizing your dreams is how this universe is going to expand. You getting everything you want is how the universe learns about itself. It is not going to learn about itself and thus expand by redundancy (you mimicking them).

I would introduce to them their level of rejection of you by planting seeds of awareness. You can do this by asking them questions that will make them wonder; that will make them realize how they are hurting you, rejecting you, refusing to love you. Make them realize that they are only trying to love more of themselves. Make them realize how they are being selfish by requiring you to validate them instead of living the life that is loving for you. Make them see what they are doing but it has to be through their own realization they will get through thinking about your questions. They need to deeply self-inquire into what they are actually doing in reality, not in their thoughts, beliefs, opinions, etc. They have to see it/come to the understanding on their own, themselves. If you try to force this understanding on them they will not get it, because they are unconscious to it. Them coming to it themselves will make them more conscious. If you frame your question in a mind-opening/expansive way, they will be up at night thinking about it. Puncturing their belief structure, making adjustments. 

 

Good questions could sounds like: 

• Was that what it was like for you?
• Have your beliefs changed with the world changing? 
• Are you raising me out of a different time period? 
• Have your resources changed now that the world has changed? And do those resources breed different decisions?  
• If you were to make different decisions now, in this world, with all of our expanded resources, connections, internet, global village, etc., would those different decisions work? Would your old decisions be even necessary?   

All of these questions kind of stem from an evolutionary pov but that's because your parents are so stage blue/haven't realized the expansion (green) that has occurred in the following generations. New generations are what expand our world. So ask your parents, 

• If every generation conformed to the previous generation, would we ever expand as a species? 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Gianna

[Kksd74628]

@teraflu

Good guestion to your parents would be ... ... ... Do you wanna me to do things you think that would make me happy or the things I know that will make me extremely joyful and passionate towards life?

Also wider and deeper perspective should be able to understand lower stages of spiral dynamics, because in order to climb those stages lower stages should be integrated precisely. That wouldn't only make it easier to understand their worry, but also it will help you to see where they get their ideas go wrong if they even go. It's also possible that your passion in spirituality makes you take unnecessary risks that they may try to point out. So you should see yourself as bridge builder between people so that both can learn from each other. Keep in mind that they may know something you don't and other way around.

You should also speak about spirituality with people who actually understand the topic and are interested in having deep conversations so you don't need to force people who just don't get it into talking about it and become worried about your mentality. Try to see that thing in their perspective and maybe you understand how stupid your ideas may sound to them even if they aren't.

Hope you will have happy conversation with your parents : )

Love you <3

[Michal__]

Love your parents but don't let their opinions cloud your judgement.

It's unlikely that you'll get them to understand.

Also - make sure your stage orange is dialed in, so you know you're building your higher stage stuff on a solid base. It's way easier to pursue spirituality when you're not a wage slave. You can still find ways to make good money from being a hairdresser and/or healing people.

Definitely have another source of income until your business takes off (a full time job). Yes, you might have to work for 12 hours a day (8h job, 4h LP) and focus even more on LP during the weekend. That way you won't be a burden on your parents. 

[flume]

4 hours ago, teraflu said:

What do you choose to do with your family when you outgrow them and seriously seek spirituality?

You finish your "unfinished business" with them first, so you can move into real spiritual growth. The problem isn't different stages of the spiral. You haven't fully realised yourself as an autonomous person yet if you still need them to be happy with your decisions, if you're trying to change them and if you're still seeking their approval.

I know because I've been there. Until not so long ago, coming home was such a drag. It would end up hurtful every time, someone getting triggered, someone being unhappy about the others life choices. So much pain bubbling up.

4 hours ago, teraflu said:

I am afraid to speak up, because they will not accept my true self.

They are not accepting your true self. And the sooner you realise that, and feel the pain of that, the better. You said you've done trauma healing... What did you do specifically? Has it helped? Have you dealt with the agonising pain of not being wanted for who you are? 

No amount of intellectual understanding of spiral dynamics will do here ime. It's a feeling process.

4 hours ago, teraflu said:

I want to be with them and spent time, I am really family and 'moms' person (i love my mom very much). But we are from different worlds. I know I cause them stress, because they have never travelled and tried so many things as I did. I do not want my mom to get disease from stress. She has sleepless nights and her skin sometimes looks too pale. And all of it is because of me.

I understand. My situation is very similar. You can't make your parents happy. You can feed their conditioning, but you can't make them happy. They can only make themselves happy. And you can only make you happy.

Much love!