Avoiding Truth In Relationships

[King Merk]

I’m in a relationship that I know I need to end.

It’s a fairly healthy relationship. From the outside looking in you could see no issues but something inside of me is screaming to get out…. 

I’m aware of all this but I just can’t do it.

What do y’all do when you’re so deeply entrenched in truth avoidance? 

I know logically that the answer is simply to do the damn thing. To just break up and be done with it but I’ve struggled time and time again to muster up the courage.

I’m just not sure what to do.

Advice? 

[puporing]

It can be really challenging. Do you find yourself having two separate voices? And it sounds like you identify more with one of them. It could be that you really feel the relationship should end and your heart is not in it. But there are probably other factors holding you, for example things like how will people react to it, I’ve invested so much already, what if I can’t find anyone else, practical reasons whatever your situation is. I guess the first step is to just be honest with yourself about reasons for staying and leaving. And give yourself some time to contemplate what’s more important to you right now.. and… is this something I can possibly talk about with my partner or best to keep to myself until I sort my feelings out. Hope that helps.

[Wilhelm44]

If it's a healthy relationship, what is the voice screaming about ?

[King Merk]

@puporing yea I definitely do have two separate voices that are at odds with each other.

I hadn’t thought about sitting down and talking to each side. Like hearing their side of the argument so I have a better understand of myself and then going from there.

Will spend some time on that. Thank you for the help❤️

[peanutspathtotruth]

What if you're actually scared to commit and open up further? Why exactly do you want to leave the relationship?

[King Merk]

13 minutes ago, Wilhelm44 said:

If it's a healthy relationship, what is the voice screaming about ?

It’s a healthy relationship but I question if I even want to be in a relationship tbh.

I find myself preferring solitude and to be working on my business than to be dedicated to a partner.

Like she deserves the time & attention but I struggle giving it to her at times. 

[King Merk]

5 minutes ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

What if you're actually scared to commit and open up further? Why exactly do you want to leave the relationship?

That’s a great question however I feel it doesn’t apply to me specifically as we’ve been together for a long period of time & I’ve been in multiple 1 year + relationships before. 

I don’t have an issue with commitment per set. My questioning is whether I even want a family/marriage in the first place. (Which my partner does want)

I also feel like there’s more karma I need to burn through with regards to being with other women.

I’m not sure that I’m ready to settle down for the rest of my life and that’s the direction my relationship is heading.

But on the flip side we’ve build a great thing over the last couple years and really vibe.

So it’s an internally conflicted spot I’m in. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

6 minutes ago, King Merk said:

That’s a great question however I feel it doesn’t apply to me specifically as we’ve been together for a long period of time & I’ve been in multiple 1 year + relationships before. 

I don’t have an issue with commitment per set. My questioning is whether I even want a family/marriage in the first place. (Which my partner does want)

I also feel like there’s more karma I need to burn through with regards to being with other women.

I’m not sure that I’m ready to settle down for the rest of my life and that’s the direction my relationship is heading.

But on the flip side we’ve build a great thing over the last couple years and really vibe.

So it’s an internally conflicted spot I’m in. 

Ah I see, that actually makes a lot of sense. Just out of curiosity: Would there be a way, theoretically, that you would decide to stay in the relationship while focusing on whatever is your mission right now? Like, finding a compromise between what you two actually want? I mean, do you love her? And if yes, isn't it maybe worth it to find a way? Or maybe she's not the one you see yourself having a future with?

[Wilhelm44]

23 minutes ago, King Merk said:

It’s a healthy relationship but I question if I even want to be in a relationship tbh.

I find myself preferring solitude and to be working on my business than to be dedicated to a partner.

Like she deserves the time & attention but I struggle giving it to her at times. 

Who says you can't have solitude, a business, and a partner ? 

[Nahm]

Change the lens from avoidance to what you want, and you’ll feel way better and have much more clarity. Sounds like you’re waffling, going back & fourth, which is indicative of ‘pinching yourself off’ from truth, like vacuuming without it being plugged in. You’ll likely see ‘both’ are entirely possible. Always entirely up to you. If you do already know with some certainty that you want to end the relationship, the separative (you and this other thing you’re avoiding, the truth) perspective might be the very thing pulling you back to the relationship. 

[Zeroguy]

I avoid Truth all the time.Here I am living life same as everyone else?!

Dopamine that's all.

Edited January 13, 2022 by Zeroguy

[Mason Riggle]

@King Merk whatever you decide.. you should do it sooner, rather than later.  Consider your partner.. if you care about them, and understand that life is short, you can see that it's not fair to them to continue a relationship that has no future.  You are wasting their time.. time which they could be spending finding what they want. 

[BlueOak]

I don't know of it'll help but a lot of men i've known have struggled with the same issue. Especially if you are young and the drive is there to do your own thing. 
 

3 hours ago, King Merk said:

I don’t have an issue with commitment per set. My questioning is whether I even want a family/marriage in the first place. (Which my partner does want)

This seems to be a core issue. Never get children unless you want them and they are right for you. Even if you are a nice person you can do a lot of damage to a kid if you don't actually want to have them or the responsibility of them.

 

3 hours ago, King Merk said:

That’s a great question however I feel it doesn’t apply to me specifically as we’ve been together for a long period of time & I’ve been in multiple 1 year + relationships before. 

....

I also feel like there’s more karma I need to burn through with regards to being with other women.

I’m not sure that I’m ready to settle down for the rest of my life and that’s the direction my relationship is heading.

But on the flip side we’ve build a great thing over the last couple years and really vibe.

So it’s an internally conflicted spot I’m in. 

>>I’m not sure that I’m ready to settle down for the rest of my life and that’s the direction my relationship is heading.
>>But on the flip side we’ve build a great thing over the last couple years and really vibe.

After a long think and time alone on how you feel. Time to do the hard thing, talk to her and see how she feels. If you are feeling this way and its not just nerves talking. Phrase it in the not being ready for a family and marriage sense, be honest, open and you'll know if it can work out anyway.

How the relationship goes is her decision as well, not just yours, that's the tough bit of relationships. But with communication you'll know if you can last together anyway.

Wish you the best.

[puporing]

12 hours ago, King Merk said:

I don’t have an issue with commitment per set. My questioning is whether I even want a family/marriage in the first place. (Which my partner does want)

I also feel like there’s more karma I need to burn through with regards to being with other women.

I’m not sure that I’m ready to settle down for the rest of my life and that’s the direction my relationship is heading.

Ok this is good. There is no issue with your preferences first of all, and it is understandable that you would still perhaps want to be with the person and still love them but headed in different directions in life. I would definitely figure out first what you want more of (like if you're more leaning towards exploring other relationships). I can foresee roughly 2 scenarios if you are leaning more towards exploring and not settling down yet, seems like you will eventually have to talk to her about this, and it could lead to either a breakdown, or a realignment on her part with you (which might mean something like an open relationship of some sort but most people don't consider this an option..). I wish you the best of luck. 

[King Merk]

Update:

First I just wanted to say thank you to all the kind people who provided feedback.

I went into introspective mode and wrote out a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Then contemplate things in silence for a couple hours.

After doing that I decided the most loving thing to do was speak with her about everything (which is did).

I told her more or less that I love her very much but I’m not sure if I ever want the whole marriage/kids thing to ever happen and I don’t want to lead her on.

Understandably she was pretty distraught by this but after working through the emotions more she expressed some gratitude for my transparency.

We’re staying together for now (we live together & have a lease so it’s definitely easier to stay together). But agreed to have periodic check ins with each other to see how we feel about the relationship.

We’re both young (mid 20s) so she’s not in a hurry to raise a family just yet. There’s bigger fish to fry at this moment.

So yea I guess it all worked out. I certainly feel better after our talk. 

Relationships are hard sometimes lol. 

[puporing]

So glad to hear that you have gotten more clarity and got to communicate it as well! It's hard to go wrong when you're being honest with yourself and doing the most loving thing.

The possibility of separation in relationships for various reasons is what comes with entering into them. Growing pains. 

[Breakingthewall]

10 hours ago, King Merk said:

Relationships are hard sometimes lol. 

relationships are like anything else, work, anything: if they are what you really want deep down, they are wonderful and you give it your all. if not, but you force yourself to do so because it is the least bad alternative, they are misery