Obsessive Self-observation/ Fear Of Meditation

[retardedhorse1]

Hello guys,

ive recently had an issue with nihilistic thoughts that would ruin everything i enjoyed.

Then for a few days i forgot about that and everything went back to normal.However, then new ideas appeared that i would obsess over all day long.You should know that ive had constant derealization for as long as i can remember.In and of itself it is not really a problem, but it can become one if i focus on it.I had years, where i was so engaged with life that i didnt give a shit and never thought about it.However now im quite aware of it again.So for me everything already seems kind of dream like and now on top of that, these ideas of "emptyness" and"no self" have poisoned my mind.

So im constantly observing myself and deconstructing everything, every sensantion even.

Deep down i know, that im not going to think myself into a deep depression, as ive always had episodes like this with various themes.And they all passed as soon, as those thoughts passed.But with this " ability" to imagine a certain reality to the point where you can actually feel it can be very frightening.

As i said i have derealization, but actually not depersonalisation.But of course i also started to obsess over that, and then i start feeling like it becomes a reality.

So now im also afraid of my meditation.It has helped me tremendously in the past, but know in combination with all the ideas mentioned above, im pretty scared of it.I know its an unusual  and weird situation, but my main question is:

How do i stop this constant self obesrvation..plus i need some reassurance that " no self" plus " emptyness" n stuff, are not ideas to ruin your day lol.But im pretty much using them as such.Pls excuse my possibly incoherent rambling..^^

Im really not striving for an awakening..i think im the type of person that could be ruined by that.

I just want to keep meditating for psychological benefits and go back to being a more or less healthy, functional human being.

Thx!

[TheFrown]

I have been struggling with something similar. I try to analyze all my emotions in a desperate attempt to understand and overcome my depression and sadness. The process of letting myself go was giving me great relief but than I realized just what that actually entails. 

I've realized that this path of enlightenment really kills joy and meaning. The foundation of a happy human life. Love and connection and ego are essential parts of life. Think about those special moments in life that swell emotion and joy in the heart. They didn't come from some high minded feeling of godlike infinity. At least not for me...

That was something different. It was fulfilling  the need to be special. The need to overcome my inferior feelings of doubt.

I think faith is important for us right about now. Faith in reality as you know it. Faith that you can find your way back to joy. Faith that what you do does matter. 

When you feel like what you do matters you start to see how it can for other people as well and that fills you with joy. Right now you and I are stuck in that vicious cycle. Still remember you can get out of it. There is always a way...

I will send you my best thoughts and prayers. 

[Bebop]

@retardedhorse1 I've gone through similar phases as you have and what I realized is that I was detaching myself from reality too much. Try to find hobbies or activities that you enjoy doing and immerse yourself in them, I've found that it takes my mind off of the obsession of trying to find out what is real. It's definitely a struggle going through this cycle but just remember, nothing bad can happen to you even though it can seem horrible at first. Personally I'm finally breaking through and I see reality as completely meaningless and my feelings are neutral towards it but I mean that in a completely positive light even though it sounds a little depressing. Just have faith in the process and everything else will fall into place