Emotions part 1

Preety_India · January 18, 2022

Update 2, January 18, 2022

Feeling much better now.

Had dinner finally.

Anxiety is kinda down.

Preety_India · January 19, 2022

Update 1, January 19, 2022

How am I feeling today?

Preety_India · January 19, 2022

Update 3, January 19, 2022

. Fill out later.

Preety_India · January 21, 2022

Update 1, January 21, 2022 10.17 am

So i took my medication (this is a good way of keeping a reminder).

My mother has been rambling loudly for the past 1 hour and it's getting unbearable. She starts with some gossip that I don't wish to be a part of.

This is what narcissists often do. They keep rambling on and on without having the slightest regard for the listener. That's how they demand your time.

For example I could be rushing due to an emergency, but my mother will keep rambling even in that situation. Her need to "eat my time" is more important than my urgent call/work.

#Notice narcissistic abuse patterns and deprogram yourself out of it and come back to sanity and normalcy.

Remember narcissists will always break your boundaries no matter how much you convince them not to and no matter how much you tell them how important your boundaries are, they will go back to breaking them.

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Edited January 21, 2022 by Preety_India

Preety_India · January 21, 2022

Update 2, January 21, 2022 10.25 am

Every time I told my mother that I needed medical help she would deny it. It makes me miserable.

Sometimes I wish so deeply I had never been born in this family.

Dealing with a narcissist is extremely hard.

They make rules and when you protest against those rules, they punish you.

In my case, my mother often used violence to punish me.

I remember last July, that is July 2021 when during a protest against her controlling behavior, she grabbed my head and smashed it into the wall.. I was bleeding and it traumatized me very badly.

That night and several subsequent nights, I didn't sleep at all. I felt terrorized.. I lost sleep and developed insomnia as a result.

You still have to please the narcissist or else they go berserk.

That's why yesterday I purchased a few perfume bottles to keep her happy. Just to be in her good graces.

You always have to tiptoe around a narcissist. You always have to walk on eggshells around them. It's a hard existence because if you don't, they will make your life almost unbearable.

As a result of all the stress my mother caused me, I have developed some complications and I have been placed on this medication for the rest of my life.

I sometimes cry thinking about the enormous amount of torture and abuse I suffered over the years.

Something tells me that I won't live for long. It upsets and saddens me because I wanted to live long. But now it seems probable that I won't live for long. All the stress that my mother gave me has culminated into many of the health issues I suffer now.

What I really feel very bad about is that I had pledged myself and promised myself that I would never die the way my father died succumbing to my mother's abuse. I had vowed myself that the same won't happen to me.

Unfortunately the outlook on that promise that I made in my teens hasn't been well. I really degraded since my teenage years. Her narcissistic attitude, her violence and her constant manipulation, threatening and blackmail and all the resulting emotional and psychological stress started to impact me in really bad ways and I felt helpless often times, just stuck due to codependency and financial issues (since I gave a huge amount of my money to her, she always needs total control one way or another), there was simply no way out. It was as though I was staring into a deep dark hole, with no hope of ever getting out.

My financial situation did improve for a while especially during 2019 when I lived away from her for a short period of time. Yet the pandemic happened in 2020 and my landlord told me to vacate the rented apartment I was living in.

Then I had to move in back with my mother and the whole cycle of abuse and mayhem began again.

She can be quite unstoppable, angry and ruthless. Almost unbearable.

Edited January 21, 2022 by Preety_India
I was writing about certain things that I needed to get off my chest