Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

 

I woke up with a blocked nose. My body temperature rose significantly to the point that I had to visit the bathroom and it was painful. My lower body felt very hot, like blazing hot. I don't know what was happening. I don't remember what I ate. 

 

[Preety_India]

Jjvgty. 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

wow that sounds very much out of ordinary 

Hun I hope you get better soon 

This has been going on for a while now.
 

*Sends all the Kuss and Schnuggle Healing Energy I can my sweet peach ? 

Thank you hun. Your words help me so much. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 3, January 15, 2022

 

My body still feels very weak. Today I will try some herbal remedy. I just don't like how I feel. I feel feverish. 

I have been sick for nearly 20 days now. 

Today I'm feeling very anxious since morning. 

My mom started a fight over nothing. She called me a liar when I was telling her the truth. She wouldn't even listen. This is what I hate about her. She uses every little thing as a weapon and starts some drama. Then she started hurling abuses at me. 

I guess a part of my anxiety comes from not having peace at home. I wish she had at least 1% understanding of what life is. It's pathetic. 

She makes everything look easy. Yea because she was just a housewife being fed by my dad. She has no idea what it takes to face the world and how brutal survival can be. 

She never had to go through an abusive relationship. She never had to face a boss. She never had to face in laws who would abuse or harass. She never had to face financial struggles. 

Everything her husband did for her. Or her children did for her. 

Me and siblings helped her. 

Every time she had a problem, I would take her to the doctor. 

Every time I had a problem, there was nobody for me except abusive ex boyfriends. 

She had a caring husband who financially provided for her till his death and then her children provided for her. So she has no idea how brutal the world can be. 

If she lived among people in a house and behaved how she behaves with me, people will just throw her out. Her mannerisms, her anger, her drama, nobody will put up with her crap one bit. 

The way she starts acting like a bully and mean with me, nobody outside will put up with that. 

I have often seen doctors getting frustrated with her,because she doesn't stop. She annoys them to the max.. 

She talks bullshit non stop. And she has zero empathy. 

She didn't ask me even once if I'm feeling okay. She didn't care to ask "what's the matter? You have been sick for so long. " it just doesn't matter to her. 

She will simply look at me like a stranger. 

It hurts because this is what she did all my life. She never looked at me with compassion or empathy. She would laugh and watch TV if I or my dad were in any kind of trouble 

I would feel sorry for my dad if he was ill. But she wouldn't. I'm just baffled by this appalling lack of empathy towards family members.. 

It's hard to even open up to her because she has absolutely zero capacity for listening. 

She can't listen to someone's struggles. She will simply get up and leave. 

I can't understand how a person can even go on living like this as though they are having tunnel vision. 

It baffles me.. 

Does this person even have a soul???? 

I remember one day when I was bleeding like hell, this was in 2015, and I was shaking, trembling, I had been too weak too walk, I had lost a lot of weight, I was just practically a skeleton, I thought to myself that I might die anytime, and I remember one of the neighbors asking her, "why don't you take your daughter to the hospital, she doesn't seem well." I mean a neighbor had to remind her that I needed hospitalization. 

That's when she came to me and said, "okay I think we need to go to the doctor because this is getting worse." 

I mean I had been thinking about going to the doctor and I was bedridden unable to walk, my brain was weak, I was not even able to put sentences together and this woman did not feel the need to show me to a doctor??? 

Yet when she is even slightly ill, she runs to the hospital for help and commands me to take her. And I always follow her commands like an obedient servant. 

What a lame excuse of a mother. 

 

This sick woman starts a fight calling me abusive names even when I'm feeling ill and bedridden. She has zero mercy. Today I was going to do something to feel better in the morning but this woman ruined it by fighting. 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I stop and think — what kind of a relationship should I have with my mother? 

Why should I want a reconciliation with her when she all does is hurt me, betray me at every turn and has zero empathy for me?

Why should I even bother to build a relationship with her when she doesn't feel the need to try anything on her side? 

This new year's, when a relative of mine called, they wished her a new Year and told her to spend more time with me. It was like a sarcastic remark intended to let her know that she never spends time with me. 

I'm always torn between wanting to rebuild my relationship with her versus absolutely wanting nothing to do with her, because her unempathetic behaviour, her need to start a fight, her delusions, her useless accusations at me (she once accused me of stealing things from her room when I don't even enter her room, such accusations hurt), her need to control every little goddamn thing and her absolute selfish callousness makes me feel like it's not worth it. It's lapping up to a narcissist. 

Whats the point of showing her love? She takes it in a narcissistic way. The same problem that I encountered with Joseph 

Every time I would show love and affection to Joseph, he would start behaving mean and offensive and say very bad stuff like offensive racist jokes. It gets very hard to deal with a narcissist. 

You show them love and they act mean in return. They immediately take advantage of you being polite with them. They say obnoxious and hurtful things. 

And when you cut off with them, they start acting kind and friendly to rope you back in. Like a lure. 

She does the same thing as Joseph used to do. Whenever I show her love, she gets very nasty and mean. And passes it off as some joke or humour. But it's hurtful. 

And whenever I pull away from her, she starts to act like she wants to warm up and act nice. 

I'm fed up with such mind games that narcissists play. 

 

I don't want this abusive relationship.. 

 

Being with her feels like being with an abusive partner. 

It's not good.. 

Someone's kindness shouldn't be taken for granted. 

 

You can't love a narcissist. Period. You try to love them. They return that gesture with —"you are my slave now. Or I guess I can say whatever i want or I can do whatever I want with you." they immediately start breaking your boundaries the moment you show them some love. 

It's like you're loving a parasite. 

 

The moment you are nice to them, they start toying with your emotions and boundaries. 

And then you recoil in repulsion and you response is like "what the hell, get off." 

Then they start acting nice again when they see that you're walking away. 

I'm so done with this. 

This is not a mother's love. This is narcissistic abuse. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Narcissists never change. You can't change them.. You can't expect them to change 

In their minds, they are just entitled to themselves and have little regard for other's boundaries.. 

It's not like I will love my mother and she will suddenly start respecting my boundaries. 

It's like narcissists force you to hate them because hate is the only language they understand. 

Love is a stranger to a narcissist.. Love basically means "you're ready to be abused" to a narcissist. 

If I showed her love, she would do worse things. Like she used to when I was a kid. 

 

I have realized that the only language that works for a narcissist is that of boundaries. 

You simply tell them that "this hurts." 

That's all. Let them go. Don't think about changing them. Don't expect mercy or empathy for them because they don't have it in them. 

You can't force a person to feel empathy for you. 

I can't force my mother to want to hug me. 

She used to push me away if I tried to hug her. 

It's painful. It's hurtful. 

 

But at some point you have to accept what it is. You simply can't impress a narcissist. 

They don't want your love. They only want an obedient slave or toy that they can use whenever they want. 

Just like Joseph. He never wanted to be loved. He wanted to use people. Eventually everyone left including me. I tried hard to love him, to make him feel better, to do everything he wanted, only for him to betray me. He betrayed his brother, his mom, his ex wife, his friends. He betrayed everyone and yet he was the victim to be sympathized with. He never reflected on how he hurt others and pushed them away. He hurt those who stood for him, those who helped him and used them only for whatever he needed them for.. And when his job was done, he discarded them like trash and made new friends, that is new captives. 

This is the Saga of the narcissist. They will never change no matter how much love you show them.. They will play with you, break your boundaries, see what they can get out of you that benefits them and then throw you out like you never existed. 

You love them, you lose your own well being in the process. 

You stay away from them, you stay healthy. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Even if my mother acts like a total narcissist, maybe I can still show her some love. 

Sometimes I wonder I can try. 

Although the relationship might never heal, I can at least look out for her wellbeing in the best way I can. 

She will need my help. That time I can be  there for her in whatever I can. 

 

That's one way I can show my love for her. 

For the time being, I will be silent and not bother talking to her. Or repair the relationship. Because it won't work. 

A narcissist will always be a narcissist. 

So the communication barrier she constantly creates is always going to stay..

I pray that she finds better sense and connects and reconciles with her daughter before she leaves planet earth. Hopefully she will at least give me that closure I'm always looking for. At least she can make peace before she goes. 

She hurt me in the worst manner possible throughout my childhood. She was majorly responsible for all the trauma she created with her relationship with my dad. She gave me wounds that are difficult to heal. 

Yet she has one last chance to make it all right in the end. And even if she doesn't I will simply forget everything and move on and consider it my destiny. 

 

Regarding the other psychopath in my family, I don't know what exactly to do with that one. Because they have committed a crime 

And they have gotten away with it. I can't spill the details. But they have gotten away with a big crime. 

 

I am not going to deal with that person at all. 

I won't exactly forgive them. 

But I won't think anything positive with them. 

 

I just wish to be as far away from them as possible. 

They are dangerous. Very dangerous. 

So i just pray to God that I never have to deal with them. 

Because they can do the unthinkable any time. 

 

It's like you are dealing with someone like Casey Anthony in your family. How are you even supposed to forgive a psychopath when you know what they are doing. 

It's dangerous. 

I'm scared of that person.. I just pray deeply that I never have to deal with them..even the thought of facing that person frightens me. 

I just hope my future life is peaceful. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

One family member is already gone. Now I'm left with two. 

One is a narcissist, not necessarily evil. 

And the other is a psychopath. 

And I'm the mute spectator. 

Wow. That's a lot to deal with. 

I hope I can pass safely. 

This alienates me from the word family. 

I wish I could rewind back time and go back to when I was 18. 

I wish I had known. 

I wish I could escape. 

I wish I could have done something big to protect myself. 

Why didn't God tell me back then? 

I believe in God firmly.

 

Why didn't God tell me what was to come?

I feel like I am staring into blankness. There is fear, anxiety, nervousness and insecurity of the future. What will I do? 

I wish I could go back in time and I wish I had a friend like a crystal ball reader, who could whisper in my ears and tell me to plan my escape from a cultish family. 

When I was 18 I had lot of options. 

But I would have felt insecure. 

I tried running from home many times. 

It was futile. Because the fear of rape is too strong. 

It was deep fear when I ran away at 14 years old. I still remember that deep primal fear that I felt. 

I wish everything came to an end. I wish everything turned alright. 

I was a lost soul. 

 

I wanted to bury myself. 

All the anxiety was driving me crazy. 

I could not trust my family. 

They had broken my trust in every possible way. 

Controlling, domineering, tiger mom family.. 

My family dynamic was very dysfunctional. 

I used to envy neighborhood children who grew up in happy families. 

 

[Preety_India]

What I need is a shit ton of healing. 

I just need to heal physically and emotionally and mentally,psychologically. 

I need to use coping mechanisms but not to the max. 

I'm still feeling unstable. 

I still need courage. 

Anyone who suffers needs a guidance point. They need a crystal ball reader/crystal ball gazer/psychic reader. 

 

I need a psychic reader myself. It's funny because I'm a bit of a psychic myself. But my psychic powers aren't strong enough to guide myself. 

I bless people who help others through guidance. That is absolutely undoing of the devil. 

I wish I had someone that I could always go to for help and guidance. And they wouldn't cheat or scam me. But tell me the right thing for my money. Any guidance in the right direction would have changed my life. 

Sadly most psychic readers and gazers simply rip you off your money and tell you bullshit. 

Sometimes I feel I will die the way my dad did. That's my biggest fear. 

I just want freedom and peace. 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

46 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

For 20 Minutes I’ve been sitting here, watching the blinking cursor, lost for words , not knowing what to say and everything you just shared went through my mind.

I just wish i could hug and comfort you right now. I don’t know why life decided to put you through all of this, I only know you’re a wonderful human being that deserves so much better. 

I love you so much hun.  Im not a crystal ball reader unfortunately, but I always have an open ear. You’re never alone again. I will always be here for you ❤️
 

 

 

 

I love you. .. You are the one who helps me heal through all my struggles I know you are with me. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think I might need some imaginary friends. 

Just to get through this period. 

 

I have decided to have an imaginary crystal ball reader friend called Greta. 

I know this sounds absurd and I look like a nutter doing this. 

But I will do absolutely anything to cope with whatever I went through. 

If something imaginary can help me I will do it. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm thinking about what Greta would tell me. What will she tell me about my life and about my future? 

I think I always needed a friend in my life. An absolute friend. A trustworthy friend. A friend who was compassionate, understanding and kind. A true friend. A real friend. An authentic person.. A friend who would not judge me but care to listen and not just listen but would have wonderful ideas to suggest me. 

I always needed this kind of a friend growing up. 

A friend who was generous enough to give me her time. 

I also wanted someone like a therapist but someone I could be intimate with. 

I want Greta to take three forms. 

(I think abused children always dream up of imaginary friends) 

One form would be the crystal gazer. 

The other form would be someone who is deeply intimate that I can share everything with all the time, a true friend who understands and cares. 

The last form is a therapist. 

When she is a friend she turns into Sabina. That seems like a cute name. 

And when she turns into a therapist she is Jessica. 

 

So i have 3 versions 

Greta 

Sabina 

Jessica 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I wish I had one female friend who I could hang out with. 

Of course my controlling abusive mother would never allow that. 

When I was a teen she would drive my friends away by speaking rudely to them over the phone. If the phone ever rang, she would hang up 

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

 

 

 

How will I divide my time between Greta, Sabina and Jessica? 

I would spend evenings sitting with Greta. 

I would spend the whole day hanging out with Sabina. 

And I would have appointments with Jessica maybe an hour everyday or alternate day. 

That would help a lot dealing with my issues. 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1, January 16, 2022

 

 I woke up to hear my mom yelling abuses at me loudly. 

It was pathetic. 

I haven't been feeling good. Just waking up to her yelling gave me an anxiety attack. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling very tired right now as well as anxious. 

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2, January 16, 2022

I feel anxious again. I don't know what to do 

 

This is the same anxiety that used to grip me when i was 16-17.

I just hate how it makes me feel. 

I hate every single thing in my life. 

Everything makes me anxious because I have anxiety disorder. 

I am tired of dealing with this. 

 

I think my anxiety is coming from Covid. 

I did pretty well for a few years without anxiety. But it's back again. I feel weak.. 

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

I lost my job two months ago because of the pandemic and I have been depressed because of it. 

 

It has caused me to lose my self esteem. 

 

Also I haven't been keeping well since. 

 

Constantly having some or other health problem. 

 

I have been doing pretty shitty because of all this. 

 

My financial situation is not that bad right now. 

 

If I return back to normal health, I plan on working again. Till then I need a health break. 

 

Plus because of this pandemic I just don't want to take the risk of looking for a job right now. 

 

Sometimes I feel like ending my life because what's the point? 

 

Everyday is just a struggle. 

 

2022 looks difficult to me. I don't even know what to do. I feel hopeless. 

 

[Preety_India]

Do not use emotional thinking because it disrupts life. 

• Logical thinking 
• Objective thinking 
• Belief in God. 

Life is one big situation you are trying to resolve and humanity is mostly stupid. 

Don't live in idealistic fantasy land. 

 

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1, January 18, 2022 

I tried to have a nap. 

And I woke up in fear because I had a very bad dream regarding  Marcel. 

My relationship with him is wonderful and I have been happiest with him yet I had this very dangerous dream. 

I shared this dream with Marcel and let him know and he calmed me. 

I feel much better after openly sharing my dream with my sweetheart Marcel. I'm glad that he understood why I had such a dream and how my trauma was responsible for it. 

He eased my stress and trauma and let me know that everything is okay. 

I want to hug him and just let him know that I love him. 

 

Edited January 18, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2, January 18, 2022 

 

I had a cold shower just now. Feeling better now. Trying to cool off. 

I was feeling frightened and anxious earlier especially after the dream. 

I just want to feel carefree. 

There was no power for last 3 hours. I felt dull and upset. But after the cold shower I felt better.