Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

I might put off the light and drink some water. Then do pooja later when I feel better. 

 

[Preety_India]

Maybe tea is responsible for raising my body temp. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I love you so much. You are the only one who truly understands and loves me. 

I'm so lucky to have you. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to investigate what is causing all these symptoms. 

One reason could be the drastic changes in temperature around me. 

Since last 3 days, the temperature has changed quite drastically. 

It was cold up until now and I was actually feeling better despite the flu because the cold air tended is calm down my body temperature significantly. 

Yet since past 3 days I'm seeing that the mornings don't feel as cold as they used to a week ago. 

It's 9.30 am right now and it usually used to be misty and foggy outside. But right now I can see bright sunshine through my window. 

This is an indication that summer might be here soon. This isn't good news. Because summers in my city can be exceptionally brutal. 

If winter causes constant flu, pneumonia or colds and general malaise, summers make it difficult to simply exist. This wasn't how this place looked like many  years when I came here as a teen to escape my mother. (it didn't really help because she found out where I was living and moved in too). 

So this place was quite pleasant and cool. Now I can literally feel the effects of global warming here. The lakes here have almost dried up. The trees look like they are covered with 5 inch thick layer of dust. The pollution levels are so high  I might need to wear a mask even if it's not Covid. 

The population in this place has drastically increased. When I first relocated here, I would generally bump into a couple of people on the streets. Not much, just a few people. 

These days it's impossible to walk on the streets. The streets are way too much crowded. If you move to the side even by an inch, you will end up touching someone's shoulder, it's that populated and jam packed now. It doesn't make me wanna go out anymore. Everyone looks nervous, sweating, stressed out. It's just not a healthy look. 

The global warming is taking its toll. The temperatures go extremely high during summers to the point you might get a heat stroke if you don't keep hydrated enough. 

Just today I have been observing the weather since morning. Early morning 5 am it was quite cold and breezy. Then by 7 am, it was sunrise and mild sunshine. Right now it's 9.30 am and it's bright blazing sunshine and very hot outside. You would sweat immediately if you stepped out. It's an indication that summer is coming. Which like I said earlier is not good news. My house is on the top floor of the building. This makes it extra hard. My whole  house heats up like a hot kitchen. The sunlight is directly above you during summer days and everything becomes mega hot within minutes. People who don't live in tropical climate have no idea how challenging this is. 

It's like living in the middle of Africa. 

Places like India and Africa are very close to the equator and it can feel like a nightmare during summer time. Blazing hot winds, the body begins to dry up in minutes, heat strokes are common, you'll feel dizzy, the body will heat up like an oven. The skin gets tanned like crazy. It's like a 24/7 heat wave. 

So many people die in India simply because of temperature changes. These people are unable to cope with the drastic change in temperature thanks to overpopulation and global warming. 

These people are generally homeless people. They don't have blankets in winter, so they die of cold. During summers they don't have a room to cool themselves neither any source of water, so they die due to excess heat. 

I'm fortunate enough to have a roof on my head. So I can escape the unbearable heat. During winter I don't have a heater, just a blanket that barely gives any protection against the biting cold. But at least I survive each winter somehow. 

It's the summers that are unbelievably cruel. I have breakouts. Muscle pain, diarrhea (due to heat), headaches, sleeplessness, dehydration, fever (we call it the heat fever, I used to constantly get it as a kid, the body would feel weak with a very high temperature and would need a lot of things to cool it down.) it's the most dreadful time. Your eyes burn and you lose appetite and you feel uneasy, racing heart beat, acidity and gastrointestinal issues are very common during summer. I constantly have to eat watermelon to keep my body cool. 

Also there is an unusual level of tiredness during summer. Literally everything makes you tired. You simply don't want to go out, if you happen to go out and come back home, you feel like a sweaty worker who just finished collecting 20 logs of wood, you simply collapse on the couch out of sheer exhaustion. 

Because India and Africa are so close geographically, I can imagine a similar situation there during summers. 

Summer in my country tends to last from early February till June. Which is pretty big part of the year 

The most cruel time begins somewhere in Mid March Early April and through May. These are the hottest months. They will burn your skin almost. 

I remember I was living in a rented apartment in early 2020.. It was my third attempt to live away from my mother (for some peace of mind), but it miserably failed because the rent went higher and higher each month and I couldn't afford it and moved back in with my mother. 

I remember the summer back then in 2020, I spent the summer at that house and it was the most Brutal experience. One day I was back from the gym and I simply collapsed in my bed. It was close to noon. I wanted to take a short nap and then wake up for lunch. When I woke up, I felt extreme pain and delirium. It's like I was losing consciousness. When I touched the bed I was sleeping in, it was hot like a hot metal plank in the sun. The whole room was hot. I was gasping and thirsty. I drank water like a shit ton of water and it still didn't help.. I thought to myself - where was I gonna sleep if everything is hot? The room felt hot and dry. No amount of water would help. I was constantly passing urine every 10 minutes, because I was drinking so much water. That place barely had any windows. The ventilation was horrible.. 

In contrast my original home (where I live now), felt like a blessing. It's not much of a great relief, wherever you live, during summers it's going to be a nightmare for most people. The temperatures cross 90 degrees easily. It's like 46 degrees Celsius. If it goes any higher, I swear it will feel apocalyptic. 

And people think that global warming is not Real??? You gotta be kidding me man. It's damn real.. 

If you are living in western cold countries, you're not having the misfortune of experiencing global warming real time. Good for you. It's the shitty countries ( I mean 3rd world) that experience the shitty things first. So we are like Guinea pigs. We first go through what first world countries will eventually have to go through. We are like a map. Our situation will give you an idea where the world is headed. So if you want to know what global warming actually feels like, come to India and Africa and see it for yourself. You definitely don't want this in your country. It's terrible. It's like a heat plague. Global warming will take more lives across the planet before you begin to calculate the risks. It's real. The lands dry up. You see lines like famine ravaged places. The lakes dry up. The animals die due to non availability of water. People die because of excessive heat and heat related complications. Lakes and rivers dry up. If global warming gets any worse in the next two decades, you better start praying for safety. Much worse things are coming for humanity, worse than Coronavirus. This is just the beginning of the end. Everything is getting worse, not better. 

Humanity should stop environmental degradation. Well now it's already too late to reverse anything. It's over already. 

Greta Thunberg is not silly. She might appear dramatic but she has a point. Her message is true. She is telling the truth. Global warming is a huge threat to humanity in the next 2 decades. If temperatures go any higher, it will lead to a heat epidemic and the most vulnerable people are going to succumb to it. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1, January 13, 2022 

 woke up again feeling irritated, sneezing and muscle pain. Body aches. It was a rough day/yesterday. 

The struggle begins again. 

I kinda forget the pain of I'm unconscious of it in sleep. But as soon as I wake up, I start feeling it. 

My body temperature is still high. And that's probably the reason why I'm having these symptoms.. 

I can feel something similar to what I used to experience as a kid, like a hot flash, sweaty, and it's winter. 

So i know what's up. It's the same heat fever kind of thing. I feel more relaxed when I keep my leg on a colder surface, some kind of relief. 

Whenever this thing starts, I feel like sleeping naked, I feel intensely uncomfortable and I feel like turning side to side while I'm asleep. 

I'm experiencing the exact same thing again. Funny because this hasn't happened in a long time. It does happen during each summer. But this time summer has not even begun. 

I'm not sure if sleeping on wood is okay. Right now I'm sleeping on wood.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Just reading this thread is giving me such a headache. Virgins lol. Eh? 

are we really in 21st century? I hope not. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2 January 13, 2022 

My mom cooked some shitty food again. She is hampering my recovery as usual. 

I'm just waiting for the chance when I'll get to cook my own food. 

I don't want another fight with her.

These days her behavior is in control thanks to her meds. 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

If you don't understand someone's situation why bother to judge? 

Let others be as they are and you be yourself. 

Why bother to intrude on something you know nothing about? 

Easy to say things to others. Your opinion is not their reality. Your opinion is simply an opinion. 

I thought. 

I didn't ask for any opinion on my life, did I?

I can't simply work in peace on my own issues? 

What right do you have to dictate on how someone should express their feelings? You don't own someone's feelings. 

This is my personal space and it's primarily for my own consumption. Anything else is secondary and irrelevant. 

Most of the time I'm simply talking to myself. 

It's my own space to vent my private frustrations and that's how I deal with my issues. It's my way of seeking mental comfort away from my reality. I don't like to talk about it to other people so I vent about it in my journal. It's my coping mechanism against my reality. My journal is my outlet of inner frustrations of my day to day life. I have no other outlet. I can't suppress or bottle up my emotions. It won't work. This is my diary, my space. If you can't give space to others to express themselves, your issue. 

Also my relationship with my mother is my relationship with my mother, not for anyone to judge. Nor have I asked for anyone to state an opinion on the happenings in my life. So how about you be yourself and let others be themselves.. 

I'm sorry but I don't want any feedback. Not something I appreciate. I just like to work on my issues in solitude and peace. Just because it's out in the open doesn't mean that I don't want solitude. Goodluck. 

 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

And regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. None of anyone's business really. To keep speculating on our dynamic. 

Only between me and him. 

 

I don't want any intrusion in my journal please. 

Why so invested in my private life? 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2, January 13, 2022 

The body pain has somewhat subsided. It existed for a long time since I woke up. But right now I feel slightly better. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Nahm couldn't have replied better.

 

"Value isn’t “relative”, it’s your opinion, your way of thinking about people. It’s just a belief.  It involves the mental gymnastics of rationalizing, justifying and defending your judgments and hypocrisy.  The surprising thing here is that she wants to be with you given you’re projecting this way of thinking and all of your unresolved inner conflicts onto her. At least she’s honest. It’s surprising any female wants to spend time with any male thinking about females the way you are. Makes me wonder why she wants to. "

 This is such a beautiful reply and Nahm keeps nahming. 

" Value isn't relative, " is an opinion. Well said. 

I mean how can someone decide your worth on the basis of virginity? Huh. 

When will people understand that opinions are fucking opinions. They are not a decree or universal order of things. Like what? 

So if in the future my child is born dark skinned, people in society will decide his/her worth, just because they decided that dark skin has low value? 

How do you get to decide someone's value?

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 3, January 13, 2022 

It's 5 am right now. I usually feel quite relaxed at this time. 

No traffic sounds. It's quite here. 

It's still dark though which feels good. 

Time to watch something. 

If I feel better throughout the day (today) then I might even think about doing some cleaning work in my garden. 

Will take pictures of my lipsticks. 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1, January 14, 2022

 

It's 5.30am. My right nostril had been doing pretty good for so many days. It was the left nostril that used to be very stuffy. 

And suddenly right now both are free which is a miracle. Never happened before. It's been 15 days I had been struggling with sneezing, coughing, and a blocked nostril. 

I'm asking myself — why didn't I care for myself? 

I just wanted to abandon myself.... 

 

My coughing has suddenly calmed. 

I have no idea but this is a miracle.. 

I slept well and breathed without discomfort. 

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I want to keep at least 4-5 updates for the day everyday. 

 

[Preety_India]

I will fill out the updates later.

 

Update 2, January 14, 2022

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

I am not a kid anymore, okay!!!!! 

 

I have grown the F up finally. I understand too much now. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1, January 15, 2022

 

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Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2, January 15, 2022

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Will fill out these later.

Update 3, January 15, 2022

 

 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Preety_India