Emotions part 1

[Preety_India]

Update 1, January 11, 2022. 

I was thinking about this new concept and I wanted to name it — mauveideas 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm still scared of this Covid thing.

Now I'm thinking what I need to do next. 

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Was thinking about #mauveideas. 

 

[Preety_India]

Mauveideas will be about vintage bollywood. 

And the inspiration I derive from Hindu tradition. 

 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Mauveideas will be about vintage bollywood. 

And the inspiration I derive from Hindu tradition. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Work related updates. Refer to do list. 

 

[Preety_India]

Part 1.

Write later 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Part 2 

https://youtu.be/Swd3ISRF_wY

[Preety_India]

Part 3 

https://youtu.be/CD8dwSRQIT0

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel quite miserable. 

Sometimes I feel like I want to go to the hospital and get myself checked. 

I feel very angry at my mom. 

She made my life a total hell from late 2020 (August) till May 2021. 

These were crucial months for me because I was dealing with breakup with Joseph.. This was also the time of lock down and the coronavirus situation being really grim. 

This was also the time I wanted to get vaccinated and I lost crucial time because of depression. 

I was mostly sick during this time and I had trapped myself in my room for months out of depression.. 

I had reached a suicidal point by the first week of August because I wasn't able to take it anymore. 

My mom had made my last few years a total disaster. 

She wasn't allowing me to eat. She would be after me constantly almost to the point of torture. 

Very mean and controlling. 

I wasn't allowed to go any where out. She would tell me that she would lock me out. 

I lived in fear 24/7.

 

[Preety_India]

I was about to kill myself in August 2021 because I was done living with a controlling bitch. 

I could barely cope with my health struggles. 

She is directly responsible for my medical issues. 

She gave me insomnia for months after she hit me violently. 

 

[Preety_India]

I wish her nothing but to rot in hell. 

She didn't leave my father and she would do the exact same thing to him. 

Absolutely zero regard for someone's life 

A single person can cause so much harm in their lifetime to everyone. 

She was hell bent on destroying the lives of my siblings who escaped her torture by living with friends 

 

I was bad at socializing so I had no friends. 

As a result I couldn't escape her although I tried many times 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel absolutely miserable. 

I feel like my body is giving up. 

The flu hasn't gone away completely. 

I feel very weak. 

My muscles feel tender..

My feet feel tired and weak 

My bones feel like they're going to break. 

I'm having pain in my arms and it feels sore and it hurts terribly. 

My siblings don't care to talk to me or my mother. 

I feel suicidal again. I feel like jumping off from a building. 

Life feels very tough. 

Babloo what are you gonna do? 

How are you going to deal with this? 

There are a few moments of peace here and there. 

But the suicidal feelings come back as soon as I begin to feel anxious and miserable.. 

I have reached a stage where I would need 24/7 care by a therapist which is hard because therapists that I contacted can help me only for 1 hour per week.. Not even an hour, just 30 minutes. 

 

That's barely anything given the scope of my issues. 

Doctors can't figure out what's wrong with me. The tests always come back negative.. 

I get body pain and weakness in different parts and the source is unknown. 

I feel absolutely miserable. 

The last time I felt slightly better was on Christmas when I took my current profile picture. 

At the time my flu was in the early stage and I wasn't feeling too sick

Then it progressively got worse on December 27, I was fainting and having dizzy spells.. 

The sneezing, coughing, and fever continued from December 27 to January 8. 

Only the past 4 days I got some relief from coughing. 

Sneezing and weakness still exists. 

I'm again at the mercy of my mother. I hope her monster heart will have some pity on me. 

She has been feeding me really bad food. It's worsening my cough. 

I wish I could feel an ounce of energy to be able to do something. 

I managed to water the plants somehow.

 

[Preety_India]

She will get her karma anyway. 

I'm feeling pain in my muscles. 

It's like my whole  body is aching and tender. 

I feel like I am in a hospital. 

Yesterday I was feeling a bit better and suddenly I'm feeling so much worse today. 

The pain came back. 

I can't even move my feet.

I am living from minute to minute. 

I always felt like my life was on the edge. 

Within a minute things go from happy to absolute misery. 

Especially with physical ailments there is no real happiness. You feel miserable. You don't like anything. You feel like tossing everything out. You don't feel like talking to anyone. You feel moody and stressed out. I couldn't get sleep because my feet were in pain. 

 

[Preety_India]

I had barely slept this last 10 days of January. Mostly because I kept waking up sneezing, coughing and vomiting sometimes. 

This has been an absolute curse. 

The only time I got some sleep was 2 days back when I slept like a baby and didn't wake up to sneeze. My nose and throat were feeling slightly better and that helped me get good continuous sleep. 

And yesterday I thought I'm finally getting better. And suddenly an hour later I began feeling pain in my muscles and I could barely move. 

Survival is so tough. 

The human body is such a rough thing. 

If you are born healthy, you won't be able to appreciate it enough.. 

The thing that I'm observing now is that my body temperature is rising higher and higher.. Since the last four hours my body temperature has been rising. 

Right now my body feels like a hot oven. It's that hot. I have no idea what is causing this. There is no fever. I think I ate something wrong? 

I remember 2 days back having loose motions/bowel issues because my body temperature just wouldn't drop.

Something has probably caused this. 

I also noticed changes in temperature outside. It's no longer cold. It was suddenly hot in the afternoon. 

My body is extremely sensitive to outside temperature. 

So if the outside/outdoor temperature rises or drops, my body's temperature clock doesn't adjust and begins to react severely. 

I can get hot flashes or sudden drops or rise in my body temperature. It can completely wreck me. The muscle pain could also be a reaction to drastic changes in the body.. 

I'm trying to sleep on hard wood floor in order to release the heat from my body. 

One mistake I made yesterday was that I felt quite exhausted and slept off in the afternoon. When I woke up I saw the sun shining on me brightly because I forgot to draw the curtains since I slept off out of exhaustion from the illness. I absorbed all the sunlight while asleep in the hot sun shining on me and it caused my body to heat up considerably. My body was noticeably hot when I woke up and I felt extremely uncomfortable. 

Plus no matter how much I tell my mom, she keeps making spicy food and that is definitely not helping my body temperature. 

I don't know what to tell this woman, if she will ever understand her daughter or even care to listen. 

She keeps making my medical issues worse than they already are.. 

Whenever I enter the kitchen to cook something for myself, she blocks me and begins screaming at me. So I always have to leave because she is such a bipolar control freak who has to have everything absolutely her way down to the letter. Or she starts a big fight over very little things. 

I feel like punching her sometimes to get her stubborn ass out of my way. What a pathetic freak. 

These days she has been adding a boat load of chilli to the food causing me massive cramps and diarrhea. 

I'm tired of dealing with this woman. Tired of telling her that I absolutely detest her and everything she does. 

Yesterday she played loud music in her room while I was asleep. I kept requesting her to turn the volume down because I couldn't sleep plus I have been feeling sick 

 

She turned  the volume down and 20 minutes later the volume was back up again. 

Very frustrating to live with such an inconsiderate pig of a woman. 

She barely ever cares about anyone. 

She used to play loud music when my father used to return late from work  exhausted and sleeping. I was barely 12 years back then and even then I had the maturity that this is wrong behavior. I used to scream at her to stop the music and not disturb my dad 

 

Honestly why do such pig women get the license to breed and produce children? Like why? Just because she was beautiful and hot when she was young, a fact  that she keeps bombarding into my face. This is what happens when you marry a bitch. It's children who end up paying the price when a man marries the wrong woman. Bring such a woman home and everything turns into a mess. She literally destroys everything in the name of womanhood and motherhood. 

My dad suffered horribly under this woman's 24/7 rule. Narcissistic pathetic violent woman. Her abuse never allowed him to feel free. She pressured him to work to death. She used to threaten him with violence and if he stood up to her abuse, she would start using the woman card, the victim card. 

She ruled everything. She acted less like a mother and more like a bully and a beast. She had horrible control issues. My dad wasn't allowed to even buy what he wanted. 

Every little thing in our house needed her ultimate approval. She doesn't even know how to raise kids. She would keep boasting about being a mother. 

Honestly if you're such a good mother, shouldn't that be reflected in your children? 

Shouldn't they love you and feel happy around you? 

My siblings left her in my care. They don't want to live with her. They don't want her period. They don't even speak to her. 

Such is her motherhood that every child grew up to hate her and avoid her? And she boasts about it? 

Isn't that what narcissists do? 

"we won bigly," when you actually lost. 

She reminds me of Donald Trump. 

Everytime something fails, she claims a victory. It's like she simply cannot see failures. Totally delusional. Things are going bad and she will suddenly announce a house party. I will be like — for what? What are you happy about? 

She is simply happy. It doesn't matter if the rest of the family doesn't wish to join in the celebration. It's all about her. Even if we are all going through a rough time, we should suddenly act like everything is perfect because she demands it.. 

She cannot get any closer to Trump.. 

It's difficult to convince narcissists. If they feel grand, then everything is grand. 

Like Trump would say that he won the election when he actually didn't. 

She takes credit even for my school grades. 

The irony of the situation is that my school grades would have suffered terribly had I not lived at an old lady's house for 6 months before my exams to escape my mother's vicious yelling and screaming and constant making noise. 

Her behavior had made it impossible for me to study even for an hour. 

And now whenever she claims credit over all the pain and hardships I took to score good grades I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. 

What a woman. Completely delusional to all the harm she caused to her own husband and children and the nerve to turn around and make it look like she was a blessing. 

She did the exact opposite of whatever she claimed. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't want to bash her but I have to speak my reality. 

I need to release bottled up emotions.. 

Stuff that I can never say to her.. 

Her abject boasting is remarkably immature and so different from reality. 

What if a bankrupt person boasted that they're a millionaire? 

That's who she is. 

It's sometimes very frightening to watch. 

I could be dying in the hospital bed and she would still act like nothing happened. 

 

It's very sad.. 

[Preety_India]

I'm still feeling shitty. 

Pain in muscles. 

I tried to sleep but I couldnt.. 

 

[Preety_India]

I hope the pain will subside today a bit. 

 

[Preety_India]

I don't know what to do right now 

It's so hard. The pain returns every few hours. 

And it's still inflamed. 

My sinuses are feeling stuffed. 

I had a terrible night. Pain,  spasms,   anxiety, stuffed nose. 

I really don't wish to go to the hospital. It must be full of Omicron patients. 

I'm too scared at the moment. 

I hope there is peace at home. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm at least having the energy to stand up. 

But I can barely stand. My feet are aching like hell.