I'm fed up with existence. I need enlightenment. How?

[Endangered-EGO]

Hey guys, I just took a break from spirituality, and it's probably like the 5th time I started abusing alcohol again. It's been 3 months and I've been drinking every day since. I relapsed like 5 times in 2 years and I'm only 23yo, never took any other drugs (except weed from 14yo-17yo).

If you don't want to hear me whine, just read after the "+++++++++++", i'ts basically the same just shorter.

Every few months I just can't handle the alcohol sickness anymore, having suicidal thoughts every morning after having a binge, fighting with myself trying to stop and then failing miserably. Stopping for a few months, then I'm somehow forgetting the misery of alcohol sickness and starting again, drinking every day and risking to have bad withdrawal if I stop. 

I tried to keep it short, and life hasn't been easy for me. Right now I'm not suicidal or even feeling really bad actually, but I can't continue like that. I don't see the point of doing another withdrawal, because I'll just relapse in a few months, and if I continue drinking until I can't handle it anymore. Once that happens I'll be in fucking pain, knowing that it's only a temporary relief from suffering.

I already was able to give up on my spiritual pursuit, but I end up drinking and suffering. I'm taking half a dose of antidepressants every days, I've come to accept the fact that I'll never gonna be able to live without chemical substances.

Unfortunately, I don't believe (and I haven't mentioned too much about it) a lot of people get how much suffering life can offer you. LOL. How often have I tried to explain people what I went/go through. Even when I don't consider what I'm going through as actual suffering, some people consider my "normal state" as suffering. I don't know what went wrong with me, but something fucked me up pretty bad. I vaguely remember being moderately happy and existence being beautiful, but it seems like a distant impossible alternative existence.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sorry for confused whining about my feelings/situation here is a TLDR:

I'm suffering. I've tried everything. I've had years of moderate suffering, months of intense suffering and days of absolute horror of existence.

I became a robot that's programmed to escape suffering. I'm just programmed to do that right now, and I naively believe enlightenment is my only way out. Unfortunately, I am also an alcoholic and addicted to nicotine, I also have responsibilities (a business and disabled mother).

I am either going to be a homeless heroin junkie, get enlightened or kill myself. I am SERIOUS when writing that. I don't have any other choices, and I have no more energy to lead a normal life. The suffering I was willing to go through for years is because I don't want my family to suffer my absence/suicide.

Unfortunately I don't have the energy or motivation to get a "normal" fulfilling life again. So now I'm all-in on classical enlightenment. I'm gonna probably go to a therevadan buddhist monastery, unless you guys have better ideas. I can't take psychedelics because I'm at risk of developing schizophrenia (my psychiatrist told me).
One more alternative would be to take really fucking strong antidepressants, which are only prescribed to people who are about to blow their brains out.

Do you guys have been in a similar situation? It feels like a vicious circle with no way out. Going downhill, things getting worse relapse after relapse --> leading to despair. Getting beaten by a force stronger than me.

Do you (european) guys have good recommendations for monasteries or retreats within a 1000km range of luxembourg?

[Endangered-EGO]

Note: I don't have the intention of ending my life anytime soon, so don't worry too much about suicide prevention. I also don't have suicidal thoughts right now, I just remember them, so please spare me the harm-reduction, I'm currently feeling better than 90% of the time and I was never close to commit suicide.

[Ananta]

Hi,

I'm sorry you are suffering. 

Both videos are Paul Hedderman he was addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. He quit and has talked on AA topics for many, many years. The first video is for the addict in you.

He also is a non-dualist and has a unique way of discussing it and an interesting personality.

The second video is one on awakening. He has a plethora of free videos on both topics on YouTube. He also has a website: Zenbitchslap.

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by Ananta

[Endangered-EGO]

@Ananta Thank you, I'm gonna watch them tommorow once I'm sober. Zenbitchslap is the perfect name for a channel who I should listen to, lol.

[Ananta]

@Endangered-EGO

No problem ?. 

The beginning part of the first video he explains his own addiction and struggles that he had with it.

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by Ananta

[Whatever]

Suggestion:

You need to get pass me and my pleasure, highs, suffering, enlightenment. In short, self centerdness. Spirituality in this forum promotes focus on oneself complitelly, no wonder addiction issues keeps coming back.

 

In my opinion finding a way to serve God is way more important than trying to force your way to some blissed out state and stay there. So find means to serve others, focus on suffering and well being of others rather than your own. You are different from other people but God isnt. So serving others is serving God. Serving your own ends is serving yourself.

[happyhappy]

@Endangered-EGO mann..I feel ur pain bro. but hold on there is possibly light at the end of the tunnel.

#and it seems to me u are believing in enlightenment as a way out. and  take in to account the practical stuff like running a business and taking care of ur mom will not be magically done by enlightenment. and plus,  there is suffering mate. and there are millions who have it worse than you. always.

so  why remind urself how lucky u are . we are in the best time in human history ever. I am writing this from the other end of the world .so, keep up. there are a lot of ways to break addiction. and if some does not work, u deffo could check out other alternatives. hundreds of books are written on this only.

 

cheers mate, see ya on the other side.

 

[WelcometoReality]

5 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Even when I don't consider what I'm going through as actual suffering, some people consider my "normal state" as suffering.

Can you describe your normal state and how it effects you?

Is drinking alcohol a way to relieve the pain that come while being in your normal state?

 

[Loba]

Quote

Mental cheat code:

STOP.

Now.

Put your hands together.

Love yourSELF FULLY! Fuuuuulllllyyyyyyy.... feeeeeeellll itt.

There is so much out there to learn.

So "Be" grateful.

And breathe.

Feel that breath.

Now give it away when you exhale, to everyone.

Your breath keeps us alive.

We are all connected.

Gratitude.

Feel it.  REALLY feel it.

That gratitude for breath belongs with us all.

You are not alone.

Put awareness on it.

Savor it... FULLY.  Do not let that feeling go for your very life.

DRINK ONCE if you need to understand this in a different state.  And then let it go forever.

You can. 

 

Breathe in, breathe out.

The present moment is power.

Your power.  Your right.  Your wisdom.  Your love.  Your soul.  Never let it go.

That awareness is enlightenment.  Keep focusing on it, for your Soul, your Life, and for everyone else!

 

That's a good way to beat addiction.  Just spitballing.

Edited January 10, 2022 by Loba

[Khan 0]

6 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

Hey guys, I just took a break from spirituality, and it's probably like the 5th time I started abusing alcohol again. It's been 3 months and I've been drinking every day since. I relapsed like 5 times in 2 years and I'm only 23yo, never took any other drugs (except weed from 14yo-17yo).

If you don't want to hear me whine, just read after the "+++++++++++", i'ts basically the same just shorter.

Every few months I just can't handle the alcohol sickness anymore, having suicidal thoughts every morning after having a binge, fighting with myself trying to stop and then failing miserably. Stopping for a few months, then I'm somehow forgetting the misery of alcohol sickness and starting again, drinking every day and risking to have bad withdrawal if I stop. 

I tried to keep it short, and life hasn't been easy for me. Right now I'm not suicidal or even feeling really bad actually, but I can't continue like that. I don't see the point of doing another withdrawal, because I'll just relapse in a few months, and if I continue drinking until I can't handle it anymore. Once that happens I'll be in fucking pain, knowing that it's only a temporary relief from suffering.

I already was able to give up on my spiritual pursuit, but I end up drinking and suffering. I'm taking half a dose of antidepressants every days, I've come to accept the fact that I'll never gonna be able to live without chemical substances.

Unfortunately, I don't believe (and I haven't mentioned too much about it) a lot of people get how much suffering life can offer you. LOL. How often have I tried to explain people what I went/go through. Even when I don't consider what I'm going through as actual suffering, some people consider my "normal state" as suffering. I don't know what went wrong with me, but something fucked me up pretty bad. I vaguely remember being moderately happy and existence being beautiful, but it seems like a distant impossible alternative existence.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sorry for confused whining about my feelings/situation here is a TLDR:

I'm suffering. I've tried everything. I've had years of moderate suffering, months of intense suffering and days of absolute horror of existence.

I became a robot that's programmed to escape suffering. I'm just programmed to do that right now, and I naively believe enlightenment is my only way out. Unfortunately, I am also an alcoholic and addicted to nicotine, I also have responsibilities (a business and disabled mother).

I am either going to be a homeless heroin junkie, get enlightened or kill myself. I am SERIOUS when writing that. I don't have any other choices, and I have no more energy to lead a normal life. The suffering I was willing to go through for years is because I don't want my family to suffer my absence/suicide.

Unfortunately I don't have the energy or motivation to get a "normal" fulfilling life again. So now I'm all-in on classical enlightenment. I'm gonna probably go to a therevadan buddhist monastery, unless you guys have better ideas. I can't take psychedelics because I'm at risk of developing schizophrenia (my psychiatrist told me).
One more alternative would be to take really fucking strong antidepressants, which are only prescribed to people who are about to blow their brains out.

Do you guys have been in a similar situation? It feels like a vicious circle with no way out. Going downhill, things getting worse relapse after relapse --> leading to despair. Getting beaten by a force stronger than me.

Do you (european) guys have good recommendations for monasteries or retreats within a 1000km range of luxembourg?

Just this, EMPTY YOUR CUP.

[tedens]

6 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I can't take psychedelics because I'm at risk of developing schizophrenia (my psychiatrist told me).

 

Did the psychiatrist also warn you about the radical nature of spirituality?

[roopepa]

I've had problems with alcohol and cannabis too. I get what you mean. The hungovers, the horrible fucking mess you feel after days of drinking.

I feel ya. I recognize the same thought patterns I had not too long ago. It's good to stay away from psychedelics for now, trust me.

8 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

I've come to accept the fact that I'll never gonna be able to live without chemical substances.

This is a belief/narrative and can be let go. You can live without substances. Don't lose hope. There will be moments of clarity where you'll see how good letting this thought go feels. How good it feels to realize you are not a slave to your narratives.

8 hours ago, Endangered-EGO said:

So now I'm all-in on classical enlightenment.

Step by step brother. One better thought at a time. One breath at a time. There is no line between now and enlightenment. 

Start each day by listening to your favourite music. Get pumped up and energized. Make a dreamboard. Start wearing a crystal.

You can have the life you really want. Your wellbeing is the most important thing. Take some time at least once in a while when you center and bring to mind your wishes and your dreams.

[Breakingthewall]

being in that situation, why do you refuse to try psychedelics? We have already talked about it other times. I really do not understand. watch the magic medicine documentary for example. If they don't work for you, then you've wasted a couple of days and that's it

[Carl-Richard]

Enlightenment is existence.

[roopepa]

12 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

If they don't work for you, then you've wasted a couple of days and that's it

Have you ever had a bad trip? Like actually bad trip?

Have you had serious mental illness, addiction, antidepressants?

@Endangered-EGO Don't take psychedelics. If you must, do it with someone who actually knows what they're doing. A professional. A psychedelic therapist or something like that.

Edited January 10, 2022 by roopepa

[meta_male]

@Endangered-EGO Hi fellow European. I can only imagine how you're feeling... been through something very similar.

Give yourself the permission to not care about whether or not you're an addict. Why do you want to end your suffering? Embrace it, there's nothing wrong with it. Have enough patience and see what happens.

[Terell Kirby]

Paul Hedderman would be perfect for you, he’s an alcoholic that found freedom from his addiction through non-duality (kudos to the person who shared his vids on the thread).

I’d take the option of checking into rehab or Alcohol Anonymous seriously. You’ll need a support group. Sending love your way.

[Breakingthewall]

2 hours ago, roopepa said:

Have you ever had a bad trip? Like actually bad trip?

If you take a moderate dose, the bad trip will not be so much.  I have had it, when 18 with lsd, 12 hours suffering in my room. there was only mental suffering, every second. then It stops, and that's it. made me open my eyes to my life situation and be able to change it, that's why I recommend it. I know it's not the magic pill of happiness, but can be revolutionary

[Khan 0]

3 hours ago, roopepa said:

Have you ever had a bad trip? Like actually bad trip?

Have you had serious mental illness, addiction, antidepressants?

@Endangered-EGO Don't take psychedelics. If you must, do it with someone who actually knows what they're doing. A professional. A psychedelic therapist or something like that.

Best learning way of the trip is letting go and usinh high dosage. Half dosage can really give you a bad trip. However, i always think that bad trips are great to learn and realize what the ego is. If ego death happens so quick it will very hard to comprehend the ego. Even bad trip is a good trip. HOWEVER, YOU MUST LET GO EVERYTHING YOU HAVE INCLUDING FIRSTLY YOURSELF.

[roopepa]

15 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

then It stops, and that's it.

When there is a lot of confusion, addiction, mental health problems, it might not be over so easily.

Weeks and months of psychological torment, psychosis, panic attacks. I spent time in psych ward. Had to take antipsychotics.

It's probably true that psychedelics can be very helpful. But you gotta be really smart about it. When you are at your lowest, it's not always the best idea to go for potent healing methods. Even typical psychotherapy is not recommended if the patient is not doing well enough, because the healing process itself can be really hard and requires much energy. A lot of suffering comes up & out. Therapy works best when the patient has the clear intent and enough energy to heal. That intention and clarity for healing itself is where the healing comes. The therapist / psychedelic only guides.