Journal

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anxiety when i don't take action but also just sitting and not take action

fear of what other people think if i fall back down or i look worse physically, and not succeed financially while they progress

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attracting the very thing that i don't want hate from everybody else

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my everyday thoughts everyone hates you no one like you you should kill yourself 

nothing will come out of your life you are failing in every aspect of your being

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i want to cry in someone's arms and be hugged and embraced

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going out and sitting in cafe alone to oberseve my emotions

saturday 

thinking about explaining my situation to

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feeling suicidal seeing how my life turned out

i know i won't kill myself but the thoughts keep repeating kill yourself, die 

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people actually enjoy life actually living here on earth

for many years i couldn't see that 

i haven't enjoyed life all my life i was in so much pain that i was blind

they enjoy meeting new people, doing things buying cloths, shoes cause they like it not cause they want to impress somebody

i wasted my life in university 4 years wasted

i was supposed to  enjoy it and have fun but i couldn't and i'm afraid i'm not going to be able to enjoy the few months i have left there

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just had a dream where hs my class mates were bothering me and take something from me in the form of en food and i ruined it cut it to get it back

and cried why do you keep bothering me and screaming in a distinct way and suddenly i was at home and my mother said she is leaving  me

and i looked lost and looked down

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when i remember my past cringy or embarrassing things 

i experience it as if i were there

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i breakdown in public some people saw me almost cry or be so sad i almost did

wtf 

when i remember that thought of kill yourself comes up lol