Journal

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months ago i used to fantasize about hooking up with my sisters friend and my sister founding out and getting mad

 but now i dont feel the need for outside approval or self destructive behaviour

inner work is actually working

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i know what i have to do when working 

to learn implement the advice i learned follow the steps in the video write it in your code and then test it 

but my brain wants to do it perfectly and want to do it all at once all the hours of tutorial at once it wants me to learn it all at once 

or its not valuable at once it believes that and if a problem occurs i would want to leave it

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power authority and competence

a man who has authority and competence has power as a by product.

 

you are not the master of your own house there are spirits that dwell within you

meaning you have a will and you can exercise a certain amount of conscious control over your being but there are all sorts of things that occur within you that seem to be beyond your capacity of control your dreams for example

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the assistant app

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why do i want to keep a journal because i'm afraid of losing my sense of self who i am

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would i show off my accomplishment to other people cause right i wouldn't 

i wonder how much i would change to put myself in the middle of the crowd and realize that its safer in the middle(48)

jealous people trying to stop me from succeeding or that thought real or fake or am i adding to it that it gets created 

 

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my mind not ready to learn or communicate or put it into action

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wondering if i would find my purpose and if i did if it would be a purpose i could make money off of

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what i would do if my purpose if not connected to the subject i graduated from

and my gpa might not be above 3 so how i would handle that and seeing my classmates getting jobs and making more money ,

and what i would do to develop a skill that would allow me to make money money

and also if my purpose is in programming would i choose a specific programming language or what 

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fear of falling behind others or not reaching my potential

how i would move out and make something of my own and if i would be able to handle that

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i can't improve my verbals right now i can't even focus blocked

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was programmed to fail and hide from the world in the shadows 

die crying cursing the world for how i turned out

glad i'm getting out of that

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i feel like i wouldn't be able to handle if physical thing were to happen (mentally)

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reading a book in the beginning he thanks editors labors, why would he thank her isn't that her fucking job

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had a dream where someone to take my phone and a fight broke and got stabbed on my right side of my face near my ear but still saved my phone 

but first i tried to throw it through the window 

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when i look at beautiful places in videos my brain says

my consciousness won't change there , what can it do?

i will still feel the same and my life will be the same even if i moved into that beautiful grass field or mansion i will still be alone and the same life

it interprets a place while relating it itself 

but it just is it is just a place

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my past memories mostly are remember on shaming myself 

you were about to do this running around, how pathetic are you for this

they saw you doing this

what will they do if they see you do this (future)

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also respect and fear it is caused by how open your psyche is 

your voice expresses what you would do [YOU] it is represented in your voice tone 

guys with deeper and clearer voice can do anything ,hurt 

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to be funny it depends on many factors but some i noticed are

your voice depends much on it

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the world is changing in every shape every single year in sexuality, money, lifestyle etc