Journal

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unable to watch ali abd

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am i over analyzing when i saw leo's video on juggling it seemed like he was lowkey showing off 

but why would you feel the need to show off juggling if you have realized you are god and is feeling that way now

and his body language is off i just don't know how to say it those who have let go of their ego are fun

i'm guessing he hasn't fully let go 

it seems like he is hiding something whenever i look at his videos its weird

it seems that some say they are enlightened and know the truth 

and stay miserable 

it seems he's taking drugs and making videos articulating the experience 

i'm assuming he a know it all and gets off on that

if he was some guy on the street juggling i would keep on walking his vibe is way off

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a girl touched my hand in a seductive manner kind of 

and i felt instant attraction to her but its not the touch that made me like her it is the way she carries herself, the way she stands etc

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true change for me is making out with a girl i met on my own

permanent

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unlocking that part of the psyche wh you a bully, tyrannical is essential to getting laid 

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haikyu is my favorite anime of all time 

for anyone reading this and haven't watched it go watch it

you won't regret it

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this anime has a perfect understanding human beings and their paradigms 

i tear up just how perfect it is

like how did they do this its so incredible

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why didn't i realize this sooner that most people want to meet you

you can meet people hug them.

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obsessed about studying and learning more how to learn from lacking view

cause i dont feel like i'm good enough on the inside 

gathering information but not able to take action on it

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i'm starting to understand the people i have been shaming and saying they shouldn't do that.

which in turn is freeing me to do things and be free

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people who talk all the time and express themselves free unconsciously have no set of morals or restrictions in their psyche 

which is why they do that.

which might mean that pastors don't actually have morals and are just preaching

those pastors on youtube who are over the top

i don't know about the black ones community  they seem humble but those who preach on youtube are questionable

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how fucked up was i before i found self-help and rsd very

i wanted to kill myself i didn't understand why i was this way , why i keep failing

why i couldn't just act normal when i meet people 

it was just heavy

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panic attack and anxiety cause of the way i reacted and behaved and made people uncomfortable

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even though my anxiety has decreased a lot i want it gone 

i want it to go away forever it is holding me back from living my life 

i want to live life and i want to work and it is not letting me go please let me the fuck go

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but i reacted that way cause i cringed and hated what they said

from what i observed they have that part of them activated 

like they were ready to attack

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how can life be this tough for me?

how come its a struggle?

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god last night was awkward 

i made the family dinner awkward as fuck

i lowkey got mad at mom and i think they assumed that i didn't like them but in fact i was mad at my mom she made me feel unwanted 

and it triggered my past occurrences with her

so in fact proving my point why i don't associate with others

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leo not responding to my thread is bothering me

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i can't think straight confusion under stress

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can't think straight to come up with a sincere or arti apology