Journal

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was about to post on a thread that i thought she looked naive in her profile picture but didn't cause it would be rude to and it wouldn't help her

and that i thought people didn't respect her or from the photo but i could be wrong about it

 

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i'm thinking 

i still haven't started working on the essay i planned out starting out on the introduction part which was -18 pages but i didn't and 

the thought of i wouldn't get anything out of it cause i wouldn't be able to fully put myself into it and focus a blockage in my psyche

i am also thinking about working on py but still haven't started

also wondering how i would be able to learn math in 2 month from basics to der which is low key scary

also wondering how i would execute it and also worried about apg

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went to a wedding and it was great i didn't talk much 

i smiled and talked a little bit to my cousin

my facial expression changed when the camera was on me 

i got the vibe that people didn't like me (which might not be true cause its my perspective cause i am creating my own reality and i wasn't proactive 

and i got sad almost cried when i was by myself and others were with each other my sadness poured out visibly in my face

still got camera shy little bit defensiveness when the camera is on me low key anger pouring out and my smile on top of that isn't authentic

and in the end when we were going home in the taxi the guy next to me made me uncomfortable like his vibe and his body language made me feel rejected i know he can do what ever he wants but still his vibe transferred to me and i felt the emotions one feels when they get rejected 

what did i ever do to you? what is wrong with you? you don't even know me 

my body turned away from him  

all these sums up to is that i want everybody to like me and i tend to focus on those that don't and base the day off that

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it is what it is i am stuck in life i keep getting opportunities but i just dont act on it i'm stuck and i dont know how much it is going to take me to take action

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i keep hearing just do the steps and don't worry about the result yeah but what if you can't even focus enough to do the steps properly

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i'm really struggling in life knowing i could do so much but just being stuck

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when people dislike me or give me that disgust look my whole vibe changes and it seems that most people are in control of their emotions and aren't affected by other people which makes me feel alone

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i'm still the same kid who was shy all his life 

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i'm still the same kid who was shy all his life 

me thinking i'm going to make all these friends when i go back and talk to girls thats a fantasy its all in your head

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what i'm thinking now is that i am not going to be able to handle the pressure of people being jealous of me and hating me cause i kinda look good

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and the cause of most of my problems is fear 

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actually is it possible to make friends , ppl who will have your back in 4 month 

like actual friends and what approach would i have to take to make it happen how social do i have to be 

or how much time do i have to spend

and what makes a person you know how do you facilitate that ? genuinity ?

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what part of your psyche do you have to activate for people to respect you 

and be 

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realization: that most people are so insecure that if you don't talk much and aren't social they just assume that you think you are better than them and they start scheming behind your back and make rumors.

and they start hating you when in reality very dark depression, self hate, anxiety level of 1000% to the point your body moves uncontrollably and run away people just assume 

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you have to be secure in yourself to make this life work and to achieve anything really

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so emotionally fuck up

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been making decision all my life not to cause trouble and living life that way

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realizing that life is a group fight you need people besides you,  you can trust 

respect is earned with how you react, and how competent you are as a person

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i guess being competent is the thing

and putting in the work

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future worries a female trapping me with a child