Journal

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if i would still worry about my safety in uni or how i should act so i dont attract issues

or if i would become friends with those protesta k

or constantly worry about being tested by gangsters or locals in k

or worry about people being jealous of me or stealing my cloth

or my ego not liking that i like girls cause of their body and that they shouldn't be attracted to me cause of my face i wonder if i would accept that

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worrying about being competent and knowing political and speaking up 

from a safety point and fear view

i wonder how i would handle that

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how i would handle if one of them peri

or if they would embarrass me at grad

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i just hope to be at peace before i perish

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i want to experience the feeling that everything is going to be okay

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when i finally get to do it be social am i unaware no 

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when i see a group having fun i go back to thinking you did this in 8 grad party self atta self ha

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when i look at people with cool cloth in my head i think do they think they are better than me 

is that why they are dressed that way 

the answer is no they got the money 

the thing is i can afford to buy that cloth but myself esteem is too low that i think they are better than me and if i introduced myself they wouldn't like me

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i keep remembering things that people said to me tahj walking 

my brain keeps going back to that

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my mind saying i dont want to be in no competition it be sports or others cause they are low conscious

or is it cause it is trying to avoid facing fear of confrontation and being embaressed or feeling the emotions of losing infront of others 

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doubting even the idea that i can change my life what if its a fantasy i'm living in i will do this when i go here and i will make these friends 

what if i am deceiving myself and what if i am destined to stay stuck

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but others have died in worst ways 

but my mind but i dont want that to happen to me

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i dont want to leave this life losing to others

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i wish i had the ability to walk up to women flirt with them and then or even try to kiss them

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my anxiety has decreased significantly but not to the point i can talk to strangers and have a conversation with them

i want to approach people and talk with them

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having so many opportunities to approach but i just ignore it because i fear it will be awkward and i never take action or work cause i want to do it well on the first try and i dont know how to solve this issue

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guys i dont know giving me jealous vibes wtf is wrong with people

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thought about posting a thread of how to mak fri but thats just me trying to control the outcome 

its something i have to test it out and see what happens when exposing myself to more experiences

i just hope that i figure it out in the next 2 month and be able to put myself out there and anxiety disappearing 

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how do i facilitate my growth