What is wrong with me?

[actually]

really dont know how to best describe it but it seems to be a mental loop for me where one day I feel very confident and really not giving a fuck about shit and having this strong feeling I can do the things I want to do (and act towards it) maybe sometimes even be an asshole to some but still very present and generally really not giving a damn. People/girls also get attracted to me more. They want to talk to me and give me shit I dont even need.

 But then other days I get hit with these thoughts on how I should act and check if my ego is not getting too big, which in turn is making me extremely self conscious to the point I have difficulties being present even with friends/family. I kinda lose all that confidence and suddenly I’m even conscious about the way I fucking walk for ex. It’s this stupid loop im constantly find myself in. Its like 1/2 months I have that present confident the world is mine feeling and then I get hit with that ego check or whatever you call it and it makes me get to a low point.

Triggers seems to be when people around me start poking at my ego (me and my friends generally joke around in a way thats insulting but still friendly (there is a word for this I forgot) just random bullshit banter. Sometimes I seem to take shit to heart and will be dwelling in thought about it for days which will trigger that loop again.  

Another trigger can be for ex. me fucking up talking to a girl and not getting her number which will make me start thoughts like why did I fuck up did I make a fool of myself?

Also any time if I feel I said something stupid (people laughing at me I can, or my ego) consider that insulting in some way and I immediately get in defense mode. I just hop out of presence and start the endless thoughts in my head calculating if this stupid thing someone said in fact is an attack and how should I respond. The end result is always coming from a place of ego instead of presence and I make a fool of myself by clearly showing Im on defense mode when its not necessary at all. (I know my friends love me and respect me and will not just say shit to hurt me) 

I know I have this insane amount of confidence in me and I want to unlock it for ever not this sort of 30 days trial shit and then its back to mental exhausting myself to fucking bits. How do I do this?

Im 24 btw

[puporing]

It sounds like a boundary thing, like your sense of self is being affected by people around you. It's very exhausting living like that and like you say puts you in these rollercoasters and possibly people pleasing modes. I would say start developing a strong sense of self, your values and principles, what are good things about you, list it out. And then a list of what you might consider 'not good', and then give an example of when you have had the 'not good' quality. And crucially think really hard to add a response with one of your good qualities as to why you acted like this. (As an example... I might say, I am "unfocused/ADD with this task", the response being... "I am actually prioritizing what's most important to me"). 

Anyway I know this might be counter to what "spirituality" is about but I do think building a healthy sense of self is a foundation to going up and up.

[Leo Gura]

Your inner game is lacking. Developing a rock solid inner game is the key. Psychedelics, meditation, awakening is very helpful for this. Your happiness and mood has to be decoupled from external events and people. That means when you're out you're happy doing whatever you're doing just because you appreciate the beauty of consciousness.

Your happiness cannot be coupled to any kind of external result or needing to get something from someone, and certainly not to any reaction from girls. It shouldn't matter to you what girls do or say. Learn to love the present moment more than any girl.

[mememe]

@actually it‘s perfectly fine, you can be happy that you still seem to be able to calibrate and probably make direction changes. not giving a shit about what anyone (male/female who cares about the gender) says but what you figure out on your own about yourself and others. 

just be aware that this has a slightly manic/depressant or at least bipolar or anticyclical feel to it a bit, and dissociation is the most dangerous selfdeception then, so stay careful.

regarding your friends, you also need positive feedback for calibration, hope you also tell each other what you like about them, too.

Edited January 12, 2022 by mememe

[LSD-Rumi]

@actually Learn to ignore these thoughts. What you are describing is OCD kind of thoughts I have been struggling with for years now, you must learn not to kill your momentum. momentum is everything. These thoughts are there to keep you in place, most likely your ego doesn't like to live dangerously so it keeps killing your momentum. The best cure for this kind of thoughts is to learn to identify them and let go of them, like ignore them completely. 

[ZenSwift]

It makes so much sense how detachment from reality allows you to easily stomach taking risks which allows you to manipulate reality without the emotional baggage attachment brings. 

[puporing]

12 minutes ago, Knowledge Hoarder said:

I guess my question is, how can you be both happy at any circumstance or result (which is what spirituality is partly about), but still aiming for some specific result, and actually achieving it? Seems like these things are sort of in odds with each other.

See the larger picture. See that you are already whole and complete. Everything else is just a bonus. See there's another layer beneath the mechanism of goal pursuits and it bringing you happiness which is already perfect. And then from that point on everything you do pursue is from a place of wholeness not lack. 

[museumoftrees]

Truly, nothing is wrong with you. You just inherited of the default mode of confidence and esteem. A high number of people operate that way. I certainly haven't made it out that mode of being as well. However i'm conscious of it and working to get out of it. You seem very aware of that emotional dynamic that is happening in your psyche. That's already good. Don't hate yourself for being that way right now man, you can improve a ton in that area.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDtAsqk-W-4

[actually]

13 hours ago, mememe said:

@actually it‘s perfectly fine, you can be happy that you still seem to be able to calibrate and probably make direction changes. not giving a shit about what anyone (male/female who cares about the gender) says but what you figure out on your own about yourself and others. 

just be aware that this has a slightly manic/depressant or at least bipolar or anticyclical feel to it a bit, and dissociation is the most dangerous selfdeception then, so stay careful.

regarding your friends, you also need positive feedback for calibration, hope you also tell each other what you like about them, too.

I did some looking up and did recognize myself in the bipolar symptoms. I definitely don't wanna go back to psychologists because they already gave me a diagnosis I did not agree with. Not really a fan of the mental health care in my country, already been through that and medication is what I absolutely want to avoid. If I do have bipolar or whatever is fucked up in my brain/thinking, I want to learn more about it and how I can help myself/live a fulfilling life with it. 

Is bipolar something that will progressively worsen?

[actually]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Your inner game is lacking. Developing a rock solid inner game is the key. Psychedelics, meditation, awakening is very helpful for this. Your happiness and mood has to be decoupled from external events and people. That means when you're out you're happy doing whatever you're doing just because you appreciate the beauty of consciousness.

Your happiness cannot be coupled to any kind of external result or needing to get something from someone, and certainly not to any reaction from girls. It shouldn't matter to you what girls do or say. Learn to love the present moment more than any girl.

Got a friend that microdoses I believe DMT or some other weird shit and got told good things about it. I always worry that somehow I get stuck in that shit, trip my balls off and lose myself.

 

[mandyjw]

There really aren't confident people, or extroverted people or shy people or insecure people. In any given moment you are in flow or out of it, resisting. Nothing wrong with you. Meditation connects you without distraction and allows you to see the thoughts that seemingly  resist and disrupt it.

Some people experience strong back and forths being in flow and out of flow in action of day to day life. Sometimes this is is very intense, disruptive and is diagnosed as bipolar disorder. Everyone experiences it to some extent. Meditation takes you beyond, gives you a bird's eye view so to speak. 

[actually]

12 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

There really aren't confident people, or extroverted people or shy people or insecure people. In any given moment you are in flow or out of it, resisting. Nothing wrong with you. Meditation connects you without distraction and allows you to see the thoughts that seemingly  resist and disrupt it.

Some people experience strong back and forths being in flow and out of flow in action of day to day life. Sometimes this is is very intense, disruptive and is diagnosed as bipolar disorder. Everyone experiences it to some extent. Meditation takes you beyond, gives you a bird's eye view so to speak. 

Definitely have those feelings of flow. Feeling good and expressing love. But then also do not.

When is it too intense and considered bipolar ?

[mandyjw]

@actually In my opinion it's a spectrum, and we all fall on it somewhere. So nowhere in particular is it "too" much, but sometimes people have so much disruption in their lives that they find much relief in having help with it. There's nothing wrong with you, contrary to your assumption in the thread title. Diagnoses can be freeing or limiting depending on how they are used and interpreted. If Abraham Hicks resonates with you, I think listening to her video clips on YouTube would really explain a lot of what you're experiencing and wanting to know about. Especially if you're wanting to apply this to more of your life than just social situations, which will in turn help and balance the social and dating aspects. 

[mememe]

@actually if you are bipolar, yes it can worsen. i wouldn’t self experiment with drugs, your system is sensitive already - what you want then is a stable lifestyle, enough sleep during the high phases (if you can’t sleep anymore it‘s a sign you should go see a psychatrist for meds).

i see that you don’t want medication, i don’t know another way. you can try self supplementing with standardized rhodiola during the low phases (stop taking it as soon as you feel better because it might trigger a high phase) might be l-theanin helps during the high phases but that’s a total guess and only a sytem support,  so beware of selfdeceptions regarding selfmedication. i also don’t know how much you would need or if the l-theanin would even support a higher serotonin build up after blocking it for a while. if it’s getting worse i‘d see a psychatrist and bridge the phases with meds until stable. as nice the ups are as low are the downs, so the ups are more dangerous.

(usually rhodiola is not recommended for bipolar, so only take it in the down phases and only if the l-theanin is stabilizing you during the high phases, so test on l-theanin first, you also need some kind of mood scale which you use daily to figure out where you are at, if you experiment on that, it’s blank hypothetical)

Edited January 13, 2022 by mememe

[actually]

6 hours ago, mememe said:

@actually if you are bipolar, yes it can worsen. i wouldn’t self experiment with drugs, your system is sensitive already - what you want then is a stable lifestyle, enough sleep during the high phases (if you can’t sleep anymore it‘s a sign you should go see a psychatrist for meds).

i see that you don’t want medication, i don’t know another way. you can try self supplementing with standardized rhodiola during the low phases (stop taking it as soon as you feel better because it might trigger a high phase) might be l-theanin helps during the high phases but that’s a total guess and only a sytem support,  so beware of selfdeceptions regarding selfmedication. i also don’t know how much you would need or if the l-theanin would even support a higher serotonin build up after blocking it for a while. if it’s getting worse i‘d see a psychatrist and bridge the phases with meds until stable. as nice the ups are as low are the downs, so the ups are more dangerous.

(usually rhodiola is not recommended for bipolar, so only take it in the down phases and only if the l-theanin is stabilizing you during the high phases, so test on l-theanin first, you also need some kind of mood scale which you use daily to figure out where you are at, if you experiment on that, it’s blank hypothetical)

If I have bipolar it would be a very mild case then. I don’t experience the extreme highs bipolar people experience. When I talk about the periods I feel good, I just feel very confident in what to say, words come automatically, things feel natural. The lows can be pretty low tho. Never attempted suicide but did have those thoughts. I dont self harm but I can cry intensely and feel sad for a full day, then it becomes lighter each day. 
 

As I said, I want to avoid medication at all costs and need a better understanding of myself I think

 

[Nahm]

The loop is that you believe some thoughts are accurate about yourself. The truth is no thought is accurate about yourself.

Notice when attention is oriented outward, these are the ‘highs’ you mentioned. When attention is focused inward thought wise, notice, there is the ‘low’ you’re experiencing.

The ripping / joking is exactly the same. It brings up the discordant feeling thoughts about yourself. Then there is a behavioral reflex or reaction, effort, or inclination to defend that ‘separate self’. But there are only thoughts about, there is no self the thoughts are actually about. 

Also, confidence really is a con, a collective belief. That belief keeps the highs & lows going. 

Two cents… when that ‘triggering’ happens next, bust through it with more humor in noting the absurdity of no thought being about you. It really is a ridiculous situation, and you really just have to throw your hands up, let it go, and have a laugh. 

[mememe]

@actually then you can try standardized rhodiola rosea without problems. its the best plant based anti depressant i know of, you would find it in the adaptogenic neutropic section. you can‘t do much wrong with it, it might help you through the downs. it also can help against anxiety.

Edited January 13, 2022 by mememe

[actually]

2 hours ago, mememe said:

@actually then you can try standardized rhodiola rosea without problems. its the best plant based anti depressant i know of, you would find it in the adaptogenic neutropic section. you can‘t do much wrong with it, it might help you through the downs. it also can help against anxiety.

I will try this. What would be the best way to use? 

https://www.gezondheidaanhuis.nl/en/product/46057/Rozenwortel-Rhodiola-Rosea-Hanoju-90-capsules

Saw this online, would capsules work?

Edited January 13, 2022 by actually

[mememe]

@actually looks like it. doesn’t say it on that page but if looking further into the brand you can find information about the rosavin:salidrosid 4:1 ratio - they seem to keep it in that standardized dose. its a bit sad that some brands don’t give information about the actual content of these two substances in their products.

good luck with it! will probably not be the whole solution to your problems but might at least make it a bit easier and flatten the curve.

you also might have to pause after using it for a while, because the body gets used to it and you would have to take more then to get to the same result. i always used it as long as i was feeling down and stopped shortly afterwards, sometimes just one day, and sometimes i took it preventive. they say it takes some time until you can feel an effect - i‘d say 6-12 hours but can be it takes some days for others until they can feel a mood change.

Edited January 14, 2022 by mememe