Fatacus: Mastering Mindfulness Through Eating

[eskwire]

It's easy to burn out on all of the Lego piece habits we are supposed to snap together: mindfulness practice, another meditation, affirmations, visualizations, and journaling. I probably forgot 5. I'm not keeping up. 

I want to get something out of eating instead of a trance that has caused my body a lot of damage. It's time to master mindful eating. And through practicing mindfulness while eating, master mindfulness. I'm eating anyway.

At my heaviest, I weighed 248 lbs. I lost 93 lbs and gained back 30 in the last 9 years.

Nutrition knowledge isn't lacking. I know way too much about food allergies and raw food and paleo and such and so forth at this point.

Stopping when I don't need more food is the problem. Eating to escape reality is the problem. It's all mental. 

I won't add another 20 minute habit right now but I will be eating. If awareness alone is curative, then this should cure my struggles with eating shitty food. I had one experience of eating mindfully. The chicken fried steak I was craving, in the reality of eating it with awareness, turned into dog food garbage. It repulsed me. 

This is the mission. My goal is to mindfully eat at least one meal per day and use the instructions of 1. Noting 2. Labeling and 3. Savoring. All sensory types are represented while eating.

Let's multi-task ironically by fucking paying attention. 

[eskwire]

Day 1: Eggs and Toast

While cooking the food, I felt guilty and also embarrassed that I would be writing publicly about eating eggs and toast.  It was an achievement to me that I hadn't eaten any wheat or dairy products for 3 years, and there was the toast, in the toaster, about to have butter put on it.  It wasn't even bread.  It was hamburger buns.  The streak of forgoing those foods has been over for a while.

Upon stopping, noticing, labeling "internal feeling" and savoring, the guilt disappeared.  There was no guilt to savor.  The feeling was generated by thoughts.  When the thoughts stopped, so did the feeling. 

I stared at the food before I ate it.  Focusing on "feeling" was the more spontaneous response most of the time.  If I focused on sound (like the fork scraping the plate while chopping up the eggs), it was forced.  This produced some hope about the realms of sensuality that could be enjoyed in life more.  Like stopping to feel the roses.

 

[eskwire]

Day 3

Already skipped Day 2.

Food: Bowl of kale with pumpkin seeds.

Notes:

• Leaves have veins. Staring at them made me feel very connected to all life. All our veins. 
• I kept wanting to put another bite in my mouth before finishing one. 
• There was a compulsion to count. Number of bites and seconds spent savoring the sensory input. 
• It took a lot more power from my jaw to chew this food than say eggs and bread.
• There were tiny scratches on the bottom of the bowl I had never seen before. If asked before today, I would have said there were no scratches. I thought it was smooth.
• The pumpkin seeds were various sizes and shades with spots. The kale leaves varied in their greennes. My mental image of these things was an average. A patch of continuous green with another patch of a different green for the pumpkin seeds. Inside a perfectly white and unsratched bowl. 

It's funny how much of a cartoon my image of the food was in my mind. Like I have been eating Clip Art my whole life.

I also noticed how boring eating was to me. This is ironic, because I have been eating for entertainment and escape for years. The activity itself is boring, though. Why did I find this fun? What was my mind adding to the simplicity of this activity to make me desire to do it so much?

I remember one sentence from a book I read 5 years ago called The Miracle of Mindfulness. It said, if you want to practice mindfulness, do the dishes. 

So I did. I felt the heat from the water on my hands and the texture of the rag. It was nice. Cleaning is enjoyable to me. It's a lot of touching and I like touching. 

Edited January 9, 2017 by eskwire

[eskwire]

Day 4: Burger and Fries

I've been craving burgers often lately since allowing myself to eat bread after a 3 year hiatus. This isn't a great routine meal so, I was hoping eating it mindfully might help with cravings.

Notes:

• I'm typing this as I'm waiting to see if there is ever a feeling of fullness. Did I break my fullness signal by overriding it for so long?
• Compared to kale, these flavors were actually quite bland.
• The warmth of the fries was nice. 
• Smells weren't prominent. I had to stick my nose into the food to get any. Dull sense of smell? 
• Left more fries behind than ever in my life. I clean my plate 95% of the time.
• White salt's kinda gross. 

Again, eating is boring. No wonder I've been doing it unconsciously.

A lot of my observations are about liking/disliking. I am not going to resist that now. Maybe later. 

[eskwire]

Days 5, 6, 7: Failure for Breakfast

No meals were eaten mindfully on days 5 or 6.  I was traveling to meet with people from an organization I am hoping to get a job with.  All of my meals were eaten socially.  Challenge: How do you eat mindfully in the presence of other people?

I didn't eat mindfully today as, for some reason, I can't keep food down.  My stomach feels pretty bad and I do feel it in my head.  The gut brain axis is no joke.  Anyway, I'm avoiding mentally dealing with food today.  I feel like shit and anger arises about it all.  This is probably exactly when being mindful is the most important...but I'm avoiding...

I'm tired of eating.  My system is so jacked that the vast majority of times I eat, I feel spacey and fuzzy-headed right after.  But, I also crave eating really regularly.  It's been my coping mechanism and way to avoid the VOID since I was a little human.

I felt the best when I got a stomach bug and couldn't eat for 6 days.  I looked so much better.  I glowed, I was happy.  It was a forced fast and it was awesome.

Putting some thought to it...this is really key.  I have to heal and improve my health if I want to unleash my potential.  I took this VERY seriously a couple of years ago.  I had serious standards about what food would go in my body.  Where did that mindset go?  

Try again tomorrow.

Edited January 13, 2017 by eskwire

[eskwire]

Day 8: Beef and Veggie Stew

Focusing was hard today. My mind wandered a lot.

Notes:

• Knowing that I'd be eating mindfully, I dipped out a very small portion compared to what I would normally eat. I feel trapped when I eat mindfully. 
• I love the taste of onions, but it seems like they make me feel bad. 
• The oil mixed with water bubbled and glistened at the bottom of the bowl. It was gross. I didn't want to eat it.
• I wasn't hungry. I ate because it was "time" and to do this assignment. 

It amazes me just how uncomfortable and trapped I feel paying attention to reality. 

[Swede]

On 2017-01-13 at 1:07 AM, eskwire said:

Challenge: How do you eat mindfully in the presence of other people?

We Swedes always tell each other: Let the food quiet your mouth!

 

On 2017-01-13 at 1:07 AM, eskwire said:

 I have to heal and improve my health if I want to unleash my potential.  I took this VERY seriously a couple of years ago.  I had serious standards about what food would go in my body.  Where did that mindset go?

I think we sometimes need to remind ourselves why we want to be eating healthy, asking ourselves: What do I want to eat, and why? Why do I want to take care of my body and soul?

I myself have lost 20 kg (44 lbs). I still want to lose just some more. Now I tried a very simple technique: Throughout my day I ask myself: Why do I want to lose weight? Every time I am about to eat I ask and ponder this question. It fires me to starve and going to the gym.

[eskwire]

@Swede Nice. Good for you! Making your health a mission is the way to go. I am a bit concerned about how many different habits and aspects I am wanting to work on now. It's like my power's all diffused. 

[eskwire]

Day 9: Orange

I ate an orange in my car after getting a massage. 

Notes:

• It took probably 5 times longer eating it mindfully.
• It really was like eating one for the first time. The taste seemed new. It all seemed new.
• I didn't feel trapped this time. I felt happy and enjoyed it as a wonderful new thing.

It does seem like mindful eating is the answer to portion control, eating clean food, avoiding foods that cause bad reactions, maybe going vegetatian...all of that.  Being conscious changes everything. 

Tomorrow, I'd like to eat my mindful meal after meditating for an hour and see what happens.

[Swede]

10 hours ago, eskwire said:

I am a bit concerned about how many different habits and aspects I am wanting to work on now. It's like my power's all diffused.

I think if it was me I would focus on working with only ONE habit at a time, making sure it becomes a implemented habit. It is supposed to take an average of 66 days to make a behavior to a habit.

Your goal seems to be to have a good relationship with food. Eating mindfully could be the habit that will give most effect, or what do you think? You could have eating mindfully as your main mission during the day, and be satisfied executing it, and just see how much willpower you have for other things.

There's a book called The ONE Thing, by Gary Keller. This book argues why focusing on only ONE Thing is the best way to go when reaching for our goals.

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

• It really was like eating one for the first time. The taste seemed new. It all seemed new.
• I didn't feel trapped this time. I felt happy and enjoyed it as a wonderful new thing.

Nice! A positive food experience!

[eskwire]

Day 10: Salad of kale, lentils, chicken, hemp seeds, pumpkin seeds, whatever a whole bunch of stuff.

I mindfully ate my salad after an hour of meditation. Part of that meditation was the do nothing technique. This was a very positive eating experience. I was overwhelmed with emotion. 

Notes:

• It was in a metal bowl and I loved swirling it around, watching the colors and reflection move. It was like a psychedelic food tapestry. 
• It felt good to chew this food. It felt good to look at it.
• Swallowing only after chewing a lot feels better.
• It looked so beautiful.

I welled up with tears while eating this salad.

When I was little, I always thought that one of my 3 genie wishes would be that unhealthy food would taste bad and healthy food would taste the best. I was chubby and felt so sad about not being as pretty as other girls. So sad that I wanted the bad food all the time.

Eating mindfully has made my genie wish come true. The healthy food...the live, raw food...god's food...is what I want now. Cooked, dead, starchy, fatty, mushy food is such a chore to eat if I pay attention.

It's amazing. If you are aligned with god, everything is so beautiful, easy, and kind. I am welling up again. 

PS Lifelong atheist here who recently gained an understanding of god. It's so new for me to speak of it and the sincerity of the whole thing...wow. Man. 

[eskwire]

@Swede I definitely think mindful eating is an incredibly important mission for me. Big things are happening in my mind from it. I don't want to drop meditation tho. Is doing both going to muck it up?

[Phrae]

I just had my second non-mindful meal this week. It was because it was something that I "liked". I just assumed that I did and my brain went off at that point. I did not look at what's actually there. I forgot. I presumed I knew this thing, but I didn't.

[Swede]

10 hours ago, eskwire said:

@Swede I definitely think mindful eating is an incredibly important mission for me. Big things are happening in my mind from it. I don't want to drop meditation tho. Is doing both going to muck it up?

No, I don't think it won't muck it up, doing both meditation and mindful eating. I think they are both great. What you might want to avoid is the start up of creating many different new habits at the same time. Creating a new habit takes time, focus, energy and willpower. You can pick the ONE Thing you think will give most outcome, and "go all in" for it. Somehow it tend to be a very good strategy to pick just one main action to prioritize, giving it enough time and energy.

It was not long ago in the news about a man going on a diet eating only potato for a whole year. He lost 50 kg (95 lbs). Funny story!

11 hours ago, eskwire said:

It was in a metal bowl and I loved swirling it around, watching the colors and reflection move. It was like a psychedelic food tapestry. 

More positive food experiences! This is where you want to be going. This is a nice vision to aim for.

11 hours ago, eskwire said:

When I was little, I always thought that one of my 3 genie wishes would be that unhealthy food would taste bad and healthy food would taste the best. I was chubby and felt so sad about not being as pretty as other girls. So sad that I wanted the bad food all the time.

This is very sad. Food is so big part of our lives. Let food be something nice and positive.

[eskwire]

@Swede Right, starting too many habits at once is a recipe for disaster. My meditation habit is new-ish and not totally entrenched. This was the concern about doing both. Like you said, food is supposed to be a happy thing!! My relationship with it has always been so unhealthy: love/hate/confused/sad. We'll see what mindfulness does. ?

Edited January 16, 2017 by eskwire

[eskwire]

8 hours ago, Phrae said:

I just had my second non-mindful meal this week. It was because it was something that I "liked". I just assumed that I did and my brain went off at that point. I did not look at what's actually there. I forgot. I presumed I knew this thing, but I didn't.

Well said. Auto pilot is serious. 

[eskwire]

Day 12: Spring Mix, pumpkin seeds, olive oil for breakfast

Skipped day 11.

Notes:

• Love starting the day with salad.
• Focusing is getting difficult. I'm rushing through the mindfulness technique without total presence.
• Focusing on "see" while the food's on my fork and then "feel" when it's in my mouth helps.

[eskwire]

Day 0:

It's time to start again.  I've gone off track.

Notes about getting off track:

• There is a sense that eating mindfully takes more time than not eating mindfully.  Is this an excuse?  
• I procrastinate.  "I don't want to do that now, I'll do it at my next meal."  The next meal doesn't come.
• I avoid focus like it's painful, when I know it's quite enjoyable.  Why?
• I have felt a lot of anger lately.  This makes me want to avoid eating mindfully, probably because eating unconsciously has been my coping mechanism for so long...I'm leaning on it still.

I'm so angry and I've been trying to journal it out.  I've been doing Byron Katie work on my angry thoughts and writing letters (that go unsent, of course!) to people who are the objects of the anger.

Part of it is that I'm eating foods that I have allergic sensitivities to.  I've known for years that eating certain foods increases my irritability.  I've tested this on myself many times.  It's not really up for debate anymore.   I've gone back to these foods and the consequences are evident.  I need to commit to myself not to keep doing this.  While I don't focus on my food, I have been watching for changes in mood, fatigue, etc after eating.  

I commit to avoiding foods that produce a low-grade allergic reaction so that I do not overwhelm my mental state with additional irritability. 

I'm at a low point in a life cycle right now.  I'm at the bottom of things.  I got my heart broken after a difficult and tension-filled relationship and that was good for me.  It shattered a belief I had about needing a relationship.  It shattered ideas I had about what "love" looks like, and the function it serves.  It shattered my ideas about how I needed to act in a relationship.  I've learned a lot about boundaries, communication, and self-respect.

I'm also almost done with my Master's degree and waiting to find out if I will start a dream job.  I'm at the end of things that used to excite me and sitting in purgatory about the next step.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the cycle to begin the incline.  This is probably why I'm angry.  I feel powerless and like I have nothing to show for anything. 

It's embarrassing to say, but I've also been obsessively angry about Donald Trump.  I live in Trump territory in the US and, when I look around at work or the store or anywhere, I see people who voted for him.  I feel like I'm walking among enemies.  I feel psycho.  I feel hateful.

I need to surrender.

Edited January 28, 2017 by eskwire

[Swede]

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

• There is a sense that eating mindfully takes more time than not eating mindfully.  Is this an excuse?

Do you feel like the less time spent on eating the better? What is the ideal time spent on eating a meal? What are the benefits eating slowly or mindfully, and what does it give you?

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

• I procrastinate.  "I don't want to do that now, I'll do it at my next meal."  The next meal doesn't come.

Here is a thought about creating a new habit: You can ask yourself how this habit connects with your highest values. How does this habit align with the direction you wish to have in life?

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

• I avoid focus like it's painful, when I know it's quite enjoyable.  Why?

Maybe you have to build up the will of eating mindfully. It looks like you don't have your whole mind along you on the journey. It is like you are trying to ride a horse that doesn't want to obey you.

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

• I have felt a lot of anger lately.  This makes me want to avoid eating mindfully, probably because eating unconsciously has been my coping mechanism for so long...I'm leaning on it still.

Your mind has been busy elsewhere, in other words.

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

While I don't focus on my food, I have been watching for changes in mood, fatigue, etc after eating.

This is mindfulness too, right? Isn’t it at least as important to be mindful about the feeling of hunger, thirst and fullness? Or being mindful of the need of salt, starch, protein and vegetables? Or being mindful of how the eating affects the mood, energy and health? Or being mindful of your present level of motivation of eating healthy, and being mindful about the rest of the psychology?

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

I'm at a low point in a life cycle right now.  I'm at the bottom of things.  I got my heart broken after a difficult and tension-filled relationship and that was good for me.

Going through this phase could be a source of anger.

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

I'm also almost done with my Master's degree and waiting to find out if I will start a dream job.  I'm at the end of things that used to excite me and sitting in purgatory about the next step.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the cycle to begin the incline.  This is probably why I'm angry.  I feel powerless and like I have nothing to show for anything.

But it sounds like you now have some breathing space in life. That can be nice.

12 hours ago, eskwire said:

It's embarrassing to say, but I've also been obsessively angry about Donald Trump.  I live in Trump territory in the US and, when I look around at work or the store or anywhere, I see people who voted for him.  I feel like I'm walking among enemies.  I feel psycho.  I feel hateful.

Too much reading the news can make one angry. Sometimes I imagine if the news were a real person, how toxic wouldn't that person be, always talking about war, crime and hate? But, in the same way we can avoid toxic and negative people, we can limit our reading of the news.

I myself live in Sweden. People here reacted with surprised that he could get elected president. But I guess one can only accept the reality, he was the American choice, and if that's a bad thing, we know what we can be working on, in our contribution to the world.

I wonder how much more divided the US will be after this presidency, or if the people will be able to unite.

I wish you a lot of love. Love is all we need.

[eskwire]

Day 1: Pear

I dealt with a lot of baggage and had some breakthroughs yesterday.  I will save that for the end.

Notes:

• Eating mindfully is like meditating.  It is a meditation, of course, but specifically: it is like putting a rock on grass.  If the mind is consumed with thoughts and memories, those return when the mindfulness practice is over. 
• That's ok.  Anytime I get myself to focus, it's so appreciated.  It is highly taxing to be so consumed by thoughts.
• Some people say they don't like pears because of the granular feeling of it.  I take such delight in it.  It's like, who put sand in my pear?  That's MAGICAL. 
• As I chomped pieces of the pear away, it looked like a modern art sculpture.  It looked so cool, I felt like a subtractive artist .  The shapes were satisfactory unto themselves without needing to look like something known to me.  It was just shapes and it looked lovely.  
• This felt good to me.  I've been so bitter lately, I've stomped on the beautiful things in life like they didn't matter.  What really didn't matter was something quite different, and I will try to explain that.

I really got somewhere with the heartbreak last night.  I wasn't holding onto him anymore -- I really don't want to see or talk to him ever again.  I don't have a positive, infallible image of him in my mind.  I asked myself, what am I holding onto?  What am I scared of letting go?  I am clinging to something that is causing this suffering.

My intuition wrote down that I was holding onto the relationship meaning something.  I needed the relationship to have meant something.

I was scared to minimize its importance.  Why?  It is the unbearable lightness of being.  It is unbearable for a mind that requires meaning.

Eros fades.  It is coincidental.  It is no different than a car accident.  Why was it that person?  That person was there at that time doing something particular and many small events led up to that occurrence.  It just happened.  It was fun, it hurt, and it means nothing.

Perhaps I suffer because I ascribe heavy meaning to many things.  It's unnecessary.  It's inaccurate.  It drains myself and other people.  I don't want to become a flake taking Instagram pictures all day, but there is a balance, and I have yet to strike it.

Yesterday, I chanted for 30 minutes.  I have an altar at my home and I've ignored it for months now.  When I needed the practice the most, I walked away from it.  Chanting changed everything.  In my mind, there was an image of a crumpled up piece of paper with sharp edges opening to a flat sheet of paper drifting in the wind.  I had been so closed minded and bitter.  I didn't want anything to make me feel better.

Now feeling good is very welcome.  I'm open again.  

@Swede Thank you for your break-down of my post!  Some loving-kindness meditations are probably in order.  It's time to cultivate love again.  You're right, I haven't made a true commitment to eating mindfully because my mind has been elsewhere.  It is time to shut down the news unless I intend to do something politically proactive, and time to put my mind on what's in front of me, not behind me.