My gf isn't a virgin.. and it's troubling me. What should I do?

[Bobby_2021]

I come from a decently conservative christian family in a small town in India. My gf is from a city where most people are moderately open about their sexuality.

She frequently goes to her friends houses and she doesn't like to be reached on phone when she is out. I have long periods (4 month +) when I am away for my work. I don't doubt her. I am sure she is loyal.

I want to marry her and she wants it too. But her past keeps bugging me. 

She wants to go outside and be free with her friends and not asked about the details. I am afraid if she is putting herself in positions that may not be in best interest for the family.

 

Any advice is welcome. 

 

Will the marriage work if I marry her?

Or are the differences too stark for it to work?

[Raptorsin7]

4 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

She wants to go outside and be free with her friends and not asked about the details.

This would concern me. I don't see an issue with her living her life, but if you are struggling with trust and loyalty and she is not willing to be open and honest about what she does then that is a red flag.

What do you think she is doing with her friends? And why doesn't she want to be open about what she's doing when you're away?

[Leo Gura]

Let her be free. You are acting needy.

[Raze]

There’s not enough information to know if it’ll work, if her values are too liberal compared to yours it probably won’t work since values alignment is important for marriage.

[mememe]

3 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

This would concern me. I don't see an issue with her living her life, but if you are struggling with trust and loyalty and she is not willing to be open and honest about what she does then that is a red flag.

he’s the bull and the red flag - no wonder she’s asking for trust.

@Bobby_2021 at this level of mistrust you will make yourself and her unhappy. psychotic obsessive stuff like that is the best material to fuck it up from your brain.

what should she think when you are away for 4 month as a guy? chances are statistically higher, that you are not to trust.

Edited January 9, 2022 by mememe

[Harikrishnan]

 If you are from conservative family and live with parents (thats usual in India) then there might be a problem if she goes to hangout with friends late night and all, there will be backlash from your family. also you have issue with she being not virgin there might be doubts of whether you could provide great sex, maybe even comparison in your mind.  Its gonna be a mess.

improve your self esteem, self worth, practice detachment.  

If you are planning to have your own house and not live with parents there wont be much trouble if you have high self esteem, worth etc.   

Also before marriage and after marriage are different things, values change so ask about that what will be priorities and all. 

b/w are you from kerala?

[Lyubov]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Let her be free. You are acting needy.

Not as simple as that. Needy precisely means he has a need not being fulfilled in the relationship. He is talking about marriage here with a woman. Not getting into bed with her for the first time.

This is actually is a pretty tricky situation and is actually more complex than it first appears In the OP. I think you should start to build the communication skills with her OP so you can discuss these feelings/thoughts with her. Sit down once a week to have a meeting about the relationship. Start off with more mundane stuff and build up to deeper insecurities.  This will also allow for boundaries to be discussed and reiterated as well. Look up the book “nonviolent communication.”

You will also need to work on your own inner stuff, self esteem, ets so you feel secure and grounded as well. The deeper you communicate and open up with stuff like this with her the deeper your roots will need to be.

She could just want some space and not feel comfortable having to explain herself all the time. It’s tricky though cause you come from a different background. The thing is it isn’t what you say, but how you say it. There are ways for you to communicate your needs to her in a way that DOESN’T dump everything on her and hurt the relationship, where she will then be likely be open to texting you more when she is with her friends, sending pics, feel support here, etc. think about what need you feel isn’t being fulfilled and how she can be an ally in the relationship for it. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Lyubov

[How to be wise]

4 hours ago, Bobby_2021 said:

I have long periods (4 month +) when I am away for my work.

Long distance relationships are always going to be difficult. My advice is to keep things casual and date other girls until you settle in a fixed place. 

4 hours ago, Bobby_2021 said:

I don't doubt her. I am sure she is loyal.

You simply don’t know that. Disloyal women do not give different vibes from loyal ones. If you ever find out that she cheated in the past, you must discard her as a relationship potential. Do not accept any excuses. People don’t change their values in life. You must remember this. She could be a good ‘friends with benefits’ though.

[Bobby_2021]

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

This would concern me. I don't see an issue with her living her life, but if you are struggling with trust and loyalty and she is not willing to be open and honest about what she does then that is a red flag.

What do you think she is doing with her friends? And why doesn't she want to be open about what she's doing when you're away?

She tells me everything once she is back home.

But she doesn't like to be called on phone when she is out.

 

The point is that she likes to be in positions where she may not be loyal.

[Lyubov]

2 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

 

You simply don’t know that. Disloyal women do not give different vibes from loyal ones. If you ever find out that she cheated in the past, you must discard her as a relationship potential. Do not accept any excuses. People don’t change their values in life. You must remember this. She could be a good ‘friends with benefits’ though.

Stop gaslighting him and filling his head with insecurities. This is untrue. Just because you can’t intuitively read women like this doesn’t mean other guys can. 

[Bobby_2021]

5 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Let her be free. You are acting needy.

Maybe. But India is not the safest place in the world for girls. She must always be in some male company for her safety, atleast at night.

I don't like her being in close proximity with other males.

I don't think she will flirt back to anyone, ever, even if someone tries to hit on her. I do trust her.

But I should be the one she relies on for safety, not some other men. 

 

I do trust her.

I don't trust the men around her.

 

The whole situation feels wrong to me.

 

P.S you said in your 3 part video series on sexuality that having more sex for a woman decreases her value. 

Well in a stage blue partriachal country like India there are loads of girls who are adamant that they lose virginity only after marriage.

I am merely exercising my options by wanting a "high value" girl. 

How does that make me needy?

My only pain is going to be that I wasted her time and my time with breaking up.

Edited January 9, 2022 by Bobby_2021

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, Harikrishnan said:

 If you are from conservative family and live with parents (thats usual in India) then there might be a problem if she goes to hangout with friends late night and all, there will be backlash from your family. also you have issue with she being not virgin there might be doubts of whether you could provide great sex, maybe even comparison in your mind.  Its gonna be a mess.

improve your self esteem, self worth, practice detachment.  

If you are planning to have your own house and not live with parents there wont be much trouble if you have high self esteem, worth etc.   

Also before marriage and after marriage are different things, values change so ask about that what will be priorities and all. 

b/w are you from kerala?

Hello Hari, Yes mallu here.???

Gald to meet you. We are everywhere.???

Women are a little dramatic to be honest and in some conflict after if she ever refers to her ex, I am going to flip out. 

Well in India, lots of girls have sex only after marriage, still. I feel like the quality will be higher with a virgin girl than a non virgin.

Any man will select a virgin over a non virgin, only if he had the chance.

This is true 100% of the time.

 

Am I being needy for wanting what every man wants? Well I don't have issues entertaining that perspective.

I don't think I am, or maybe not.

 

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Bobby_2021

[Gregory1]

Wow it's funny to see how indulged in stage blue ideology some people can be...

[MovForward]

depends

do you see a future with her having a family children and great children, great family?

or do you see an argument between you two about how she should act or that she is not respecting you and her not willing to work with you on this marriage to make it great? 

which one of these do you see?

[Bobby_2021]

9 minutes ago, Gregory1 said:

Wow it's funny to see how indulged in stage blue ideology some people can be...

I already told you I am from a stage blue country. I have decent self awareness of what I am doing.

 

I want to maximize the success of my marriage. That's the only thing I value.

 

Divorce courts here skin the man alive. 

 

Stage blue societies treat marriage as sacred. I thought I should get acceptance for that.

Post stage blue countries have almost 50% divorce rate. That maybe a slight indication that blue societies capture something about marriage that higher stages may not.

 

It's only about marriage.

[Bobby_2021]

1 hour ago, Lyubov said:

Not as simple as that. Needy precisely means he has a need not being fulfilled in the relationship. He is talking about marriage here with a woman. Not getting into bed with her for the first time.

This is actually is a pretty tricky situation and is actually more complex than it first appears In the OP. I think you should start to build the communication skills with her OP so you can discuss these feelings/thoughts with her. Sit down once a week to have a meeting about the relationship. Start off with more mundane stuff and build up to deeper insecurities.  This will also allow for boundaries to be discussed and reiterated as well. Look up the book “nonviolent communication.”

You will also need to work on your own inner stuff, self esteem, ets so you feel secure and grounded as well. The deeper you communicate and open up with stuff like this with her the deeper your roots will need to be.

She could just want some space and not feel comfortable having to explain herself all the time. It’s tricky though cause you come from a different background. The thing is it isn’t what you say, but how you say it. There are ways for you to communicate your needs to her in a way that DOESN’T dump everything on her and hurt the relationship, where she will then be likely be open to texting you more when she is with her friends, sending pics, feel support here, etc. think about what need you feel isn’t being fulfilled and how she can be an ally in the relationship for it. 

Thank you so much for understanding the complexity of the situation.

Means a lot to me.

[flowboy]

1 hour ago, Bobby_2021 said:

But she doesn't like to be called on phone when she is out.

 

The point is that she likes to be in positions where she may not be loyal.

I get that you are not doing this on purpose, but this is the behavior of a controlling and paranoid man.

What strikes me here is that you don't trust her.

Otherwise you wouldn't think that her loyalty depended on the situation.

So the question is: do you not trust her because of her, or because you don't trust women in general?

In other words: is the trust issue about her, or about you?

You can not have a working relationship, let alone marriage, with this trust issue.

So all your focus should be on getting to the bottom of this lack of trust.

It could be from:

• Parents, friends, society or teachers giving you ideas about women not being trustworthy
• Personal insecurities relating to her having more experience sexually than you (blaming her for now having less value (less trustworthy) is more comfortable to the ego than facing that you actually feel insecure, so many people use this unconsciously as a cover)

Whatever is at the bottom of this, whether it be toxic cultural conditioning or personal insecurities, it needs to be resolved fully before you can have a healthy relationship with any woman.

So dig deep!

Good luck?

Edited January 9, 2022 by flowboy

[Bobby_2021]

15 minutes ago, MovForward said:

depends

do you see a future with her having a family children and great children, great family?

or do you see an argument between you two about how she should act or that she is not respecting you and her not willing to work with you on this marriage to make it great? 

which one of these do you see?

For now, to be honest, I see arguments.?

[Gregory1]

15 minutes ago, Bobby_2021 said:

Post stage blue countries have almost 50% divorce rate. That maybe a slight indication that blue societies capture something about marriage that higher stages may not.

 

It's only about marriage.

Well it shows you that in stage blue countries people are conditioned with beliefs about marriage that make them forcefully stay in their marriage even if it's not right for them.

You have been conditioned with childish beliefs since you where born and now you just blindly follow an agenda that will never lead you to happiness and only to misery.

You have no idea what a "marriage" truly means, you just blindy repeat all the dogma and bullshit that you've been fed since you were a little baby. 

[Bobby_2021]

12 minutes ago, flowboy said:

I get that you are not doing this on purpose, but this is the behavior of a controlling and paranoid man.

What strikes me here is that you don't trust her.

Otherwise you wouldn't think that her loyalty depended on the situation.

So the question is: do you not trust her because of her, or because you don't trust women in general?

In other words: is the trust issue about her, or about you?

You can not have a working relationship, let alone marriage, with this trust issue.

So all your focus should be on getting to the bottom of this lack of trust.

It could be from:

• Parents, friends, society or teachers giving you ideas about women not being trustworthy
• Personal insecurities relating to her having more experience sexually than you (blaming her for now having less value (less trustworthy) is more comfortable to the ego than facing that you actually feel insecure, so many people use this unconsciously as a cover)

Whatever is at the bottom of this, whether it be toxic cultural conditioning or personal insecurities, it needs to be resolved fully before you can have a healthy relationship with any woman.

So dig deep!

Good luck?

Thank you. Will work on it.

 

The main issue that bugging me is her past, and that she isn't a virgin. That's all.

I won't try to control her going out so much.

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Bobby_2021