Approach Anxiety

[B222]

I really really struggle with cold approach. It feels super awkward and when I go out in the day it’s mostly alone which adds to the weirdness of it. Always worried about what other people will think and how I’ll look because it’s so uncommon. I realise how damaging these type of thoughts are for my progress. What would you do? Wings helped me ease up but had some conflict with the wings in my city and they’re really cliquey so probably won’t be getting involved with them atm. 
I go to events a few times a month on average, where initiating conversation comes much easier. Still a little tense initially, but find it easier to start conversations. Cold approach is a real sticking point tho. Got some attention on IG but obv wanna get this approach anxiety shit sorted at some point. Also wanna see how something develops with another girl. Could still go at least a couple times a week tho. 
What did you do to overcome it? What do you recommend from here? I’m not in a big rush. Higher priorities for more stability in other areas first, which I’m on the verge of solving. I’m confident in myself to get it sorted and really don’t stress about it. Financial independence is the number one goal, then I’ll be free to fully enjoy life, and will hire mentors, etc. So close. This is probably another limiting belief holding me back. 
I go through phases where I go out 4/5x a week then drop back off, but only indirect approaches and compliments, and as I’ve said, I get major awkwardness. Realise I’ve just gotta hammer the volume.
How do you get over this initial awkwardness? I’ve tried affirmations, visualisation, good advice from friends, etc, but struggled to break through so far. Also been super inconsistent. Cheers.

[NoSelfSelf]

First i would regress to talking to clerks in shop then when you feel "ready" when you see a girl you go straight to her without thinking just doing it(have success bar extremely low) the more you do the more mind relaxes...when you start thinking how im gonna do it rather than doing it then mind will find an excuse to not do it...

[Federico del pueblo]

Try to find the level that is just a little bit uncomfortable, but still doable without major awkwardness.

For some this is just asking someone for the way. Maybe for you it could be asking a girl for directions, then just compliment on something like her style, then leaving.

Basically think of a "desensitization ladder" with challenges that progressively get harder but with increments where the next challenge is not much harder than the last.

Then consider going to a big city sometimes and approaching hardcore. Don't think about phone numbers, nor about instant dates, just approach + 2 minutes conversation + leave OR approach with compliment and leave, no pressure on having any kind of conversation.

Also realize that all of these concerns are like 98% mental bullshit. Is someone gonna see your approach sometimes? Probably. Will they know what's going on? No, they themselves couldn't do it any better and most people won't even care and just think about their own life.

One technique that is helpful for me personally to let go of unwanted emotions is called emotional freedom techniques (EFT = tapping), I've mentioned it here on the forum several times, but nobody ever seems to care, though I didn't want to leave it unmentioned because it can be so helpful for virtually anything (including approach anxiety).

[JonasVE12]

The only reason you still are not getting anywhere with your approaching is because you are avoiding the tension and looking for a way around it. 

See, awkwardness is just a part of the process. It is just a feeling. It is not right or wrong. And you are not owning the feeling and becoming reactive to it. Thus avoiding it and making it wrong. 

How will you ever get a beautiful woman if you don't gain the strength to accept your own feelings. That's true masculine power that woman will test you for when you approach. See, you can be a bit nervous, it can be a bit awkward. It is raw and real. The only thing that matters is how are you dealing with it? See an awkward approach does not necessarily have to attract her. You can just use it to release your nervousness and fear around approaching. Until it becomes very small. 

They will not remember you after 20 seconds. You are not significant in their life. You are too identified to yourself that you make it seem so big and significant. That everyone judges you. That you are that little awkward piece of shit. Nobody thinks of you that way. Your mind is always projecting based off its own perspective driven by subconscious feelings. 

Step into the tension DAILY. Own the awkwardness and really feel into it through your body and accept the sensations fully. Don't rise your consciousness to your head to escape the awkwardness. Look into her eyes. Feel your body and be there. 

In short, develop a releasing practice where you daily approach people with a honest intention and let it be awkward without escaping it. What makes this practice work is when you approach, you feel your grounding through feeling your legs, feet, back, spine and you channel the energy down into the earth. Having good grounding will instantly eliminate all nervousness and awkwardness. 

Watch 'The fearless man' on YouTube. Best channel on YouTube for this stuff. 

Stop looking for the next thing to solve your problems, I think intuitively you already know that there isn't and that you just have to approach daily for a very long time. 

[PurpleTree]

28 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

not significant in their life. You are too identified to yourself that you make it seem so big and significant. That everyone judges you. That you are that little awkward piece of shit. Nobody thinks of you that way. Your mind is always projecting based off its own perspective driven by subconscious feelings. 

that's always messing with my mind for example though.

in one way you are not significant, nobody thinks of you, little speck in the universe.

on the other hand you're god and you're all of it

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNDvf0q2Xds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUj6gN0o4wU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68X1sqr9Prg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtneC5ulqkc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l3E0eAfjsU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJKiFisdi5g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkV7EXFBvfg

 

[Javfly33]

There isn't a magic pill. But the most similar thing is daily drill / grind, and love every part of the process. 

As they have said above, ultimately it's you who is doing the judging/awkardness. Keep doing until you stop shooting yourself in the foot. 

[JonasVE12]

6 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

that's always messing with my mind for example though.

in one way you are not significant, nobody thinks of you, little speck in the universe.

on the other hand you're god and you're all of it

When we have approach anxiety, it is all about identifying with the smaller part of who we are. In that moment when you want to approach but are too scared too, we are so caught up in her emotions and her mind that we forget that we are the whole universe. When you really embody that, no one can harm you. You see the insignificance of experience in contrast to your true nature. You are both an ego and the universe. Significant/insignificant is also just a perspective so you can choose which one you like when you have approach anxiety. 

[PurpleTree]

28 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

When we have approach anxiety, it is all about identifying with the smaller part of who we are. In that moment when you want to approach but are too scared too, we are so caught up in her emotions and her mind that we forget that we are the whole universe. When you really embody that, no one can harm you. You see the insignificance of experience in contrast to your true nature. You are both an ego and the universe. Significant/insignificant is also just a perspective so you can choose which one you like when you have approach anxiety. 

Thanks yea sure that makes sense. For me anxiety makes me constrict (guess for most people). Constriction= non expansive=ego=survivial

So i can often feel godly especially in nature etc. but many things trigger my anxiety and then it's back to constricted speck

[JonasVE12]

1 hour ago, PurpleTree said:

Thanks yea sure that makes sense. For me anxiety makes me constrict (guess for most people). Constriction= non expansive=ego=survivial

So i can often feel godly especially in nature etc. but many things trigger my anxiety and then it's back to constricted speck

I can relate from what it used to be in my life. That is why releasing and embodiment practices are so powerful. There, all spirituality that you practice at home gets put to the test. If you are still so contracted and anxious around people, then what is all the spirituality doing for you? It's nice to have intellectual understanding and feel whole when you are by yourself, but true embodiment is so much more valuable if you want to live a great expansive life. Approaching women done the right way is the perfect embodiment practice. There you can become really one with everyone and break down your ego so you don't feel like a constricted speck anymore. Imagine you would walk down the street and you feel so connected with everyone. No anxiety at all. Everyone receives you well. You get to experience much love and joy. Lots of opportunity. It is a simple process to achieve that. But you have to attune to the right state of consciousness to receive all of it and only intention can bring that. 

Edited January 8, 2022 by JonasVE12

[PurpleTree]

2 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

Imagine you would walk down the street and you feel so connected with everyone. No anxiety at all. Everyone receives you well. You get to experience much love and joy. Lots of opportunity. It is a simple proces to achieve that. But you have to attune to the right state of consciousness to receive all of it and only intention can bring that. 

Sometimes quite often i actually do feel like that, connected to everybody and so on, but one glance of a person that i deem as unfriendly or critical of "me" can trigger me back into constriction and anxiety.

Or even if i feel somebody "checks me out" too much, like someone is staring at me, even a "beautiful" woman triggers anxiety in me. It's weird, because i want to be looked at by beautiful women but when they look too much i get really insecure. When i walk down the street i look people into the eyes and feel connected. but when someone is sitting there and checks me out while i pass by i get anxious and clumsy.

Also i have approached women in clubs and it was totally fine. or talked to them while doing some activities like sports or whatever, not a huge problem, or at classes etc. but approaching on the street or in a store just seems very intrusive and "annoying" to them. I would like to know which one's are open to being approached at least maybe that would make things easier.

 

[B222]

Thanks for the responses, really helpful. Gonna get back on it. 
 

@PurpleTree you tryna say I’m not god? Absolute mental case! Sit in your room all day meditating and see what happens?

[JonasVE12]

39 minutes ago, PurpleTree said:

Sometimes quite often i actually do feel like that, connected to everybody and so on, but one glance of a person that i deem as unfriendly or critical of "me" can trigger me back into constriction and anxiety.

Or even if i feel somebody "checks me out" too much, like someone is staring at me, even a "beautiful" woman triggers anxiety in me. It's weird, because i want to be looked at by beautiful women but when they look too much i get really insecure. When i walk down the street i look people into the eyes and feel connected. but when someone is sitting there and checks me out while i pass by i get anxious and clumsy.

Also i have approached women in clubs and it was totally fine. or talked to them while doing some activities like sports or whatever, not a huge problem, or at classes etc. but approaching on the street or in a store just seems very intrusive and "annoying" to them. I would like to know which one's are open to being approached at least maybe that would make things easier.

 

The awareness you have of that is beautiful because now you know exactly what you have to do to grow. 

You develop a practice to release those emotions. You approach people with the intention of being weird and having them react in the way that you fear and resist. And then you ground those emotions through your spine and legs right into the earth. That's acceptance and non-attachment which when done enough and consistently will release the negative emotions permanently. Eventually you will remain open when this happens and your heart does not close down anymore. And when this happens, you will notice people reacting differently and almost never will there be anyone that reacts unfriendly to you. 

The same for girls sitting on a bench. You look at them, you keep looking, and you accept it through the body. You feel the tension and ground it. You try to not constrict the flowing energy through the body. You let it be flowing through the heart, pelvis, legs. And do this again consistently until it releases permanently. Of course in the beginning you will be reactive and not dare to be fully vulnerable, but you will gain that strength the more you try. Developing a grounding practice is also powerful because it works with getting the energy away from your head to your legs and feet. That's confidence. 

You can apply this proces with everything in life. The most you do it, the bigger your life will be. 

You can work with a tension journal. Where ever you feel heavy emotions / resistance, you write it down, and you go face it. 

Man, if you make this true in your life. Like it becomes who you are. The guy who is constantly facing tension, then you will grow so much in confidence and attractiveness. 

Navy seals, fireman, police, businessman are attractive to woman because they face tension and are good with it. They don't run from it, instead they are proactive with the tension which is what you want to develop yourself. Every resistance is an opportunity to grow as a man

Edited January 8, 2022 by JonasVE12

[PurpleTree]

42 minutes ago, JonasVE12 said:

The awareness you have of that is beautiful because now you know exactly what you have to do to grow. 

You develop a practice to release those emotions. You approach people with the intention of being weird and having them react in the way that you fear and resist. And then you ground those emotions through your spine and legs right into the earth. That's acceptance and non-attachment which when done enough and consistently will release the negative emotions permanently. Eventually you will remain open when this happens and your heart does not close down anymore. And when this happens, you will notice people reacting differently and almost never will there be anyone that reacts unfriendly to you. 

The same for girls sitting on a bench. You look at them, you keep looking, and you accept it through the body. You feel the tension and ground it. You try to not constrict the flowing energy through the body. You let it be flowing through the heart, pelvis, legs. And do this again consistently until it releases permanently. Of course in the beginning you will be reactive and not dare to be fully vulnerable, but you will gain that strength the more you try. Developing a grounding practice is also powerful because it works with getting the energy away from your head to your legs and feet. That's confidence. 

You can apply this proces with everything in life. The most you do it, the bigger your life will be. 

You can work with a tension journal. Where ever you feel heavy emotions / resistance, you write it down, and you go face it. 

Man, if you make this true in your life. Like it becomes who you are. The guy who is constantly facing tension, then you will grow so much in confidence and attractiveness. 

Navy seals, fireman, police, businessman are attractive to woman because they face tension and are good with it. They don't run from it, instead they are proactive with the tension which is what you want to develop yourself. Every resistance is an opportunity to grow as a man

? Hare Krishna

[PurpleTree]

On 8.1.2022 at 7:03 PM, JonasVE12 said:

 

And then you ground those emotions through your spine and legs right into the earth. That's acceptance and non-attachment which when done enough and consistently will release the negative emotions permanently. Eventually you will remain open when this happens and your heart does not close down anymore. And when this happens, you will notice people reacting differently and almost never will there be anyone that reacts unfriendly to you. 

The same for girls sitting on a bench. You look at them, you keep looking, and you accept it through the body. You feel the tension and ground it. You try to not constrict the flowing energy through the body. You let it be flowing through the heart, pelvis, legs. And do this again consistently until it releases permanently. Of course in the beginning you will be reactive and not dare to be fully vulnerable, but you will gain that strength the more you try. Developing a grounding practice is also powerful because it works with getting the energy away from your head to your legs and feet. That's confidence. 

You can apply this proces with everything in life. The most you do it, the bigger your life will be. 

 

do you happen to have some sources with more info on this "technique"?

[JonasVE12]

10 hours ago, PurpleTree said:

do you happen to have some sources with more info on this "technique"?

'The fearless man' on YouTube. 

 

 

 

[Illusory Self]

On 1/8/2022 at 11:06 AM, B222 said:

I really really struggle with cold approach. It feels super awkward and when I go out in the day it’s mostly alone which adds to the weirdness of it. Always worried about what other people will think and how I’ll look because it’s so uncommon. I realise how damaging these type of thoughts are for my progress. What would you do? Wings helped me ease up but had some conflict with the wings in my city and they’re really cliquey so probably won’t be getting involved with them atm. 
I go to events a few times a month on average, where initiating conversation comes much easier. Still a little tense initially, but find it easier to start conversations. Cold approach is a real sticking point tho. Got some attention on IG but obv wanna get this approach anxiety shit sorted at some point. Also wanna see how something develops with another girl. Could still go at least a couple times a week tho. 
What did you do to overcome it? What do you recommend from here? I’m not in a big rush. Higher priorities for more stability in other areas first, which I’m on the verge of solving. I’m confident in myself to get it sorted and really don’t stress about it. Financial independence is the number one goal, then I’ll be free to fully enjoy life, and will hire mentors, etc. So close. This is probably another limiting belief holding me back. 
I go through phases where I go out 4/5x a week then drop back off, but only indirect approaches and compliments, and as I’ve said, I get major awkwardness. Realise I’ve just gotta hammer the volume.
How do you get over this initial awkwardness? I’ve tried affirmations, visualisation, good advice from friends, etc, but struggled to break through so far. Also been super inconsistent. Cheers.

I can relate, I go through similar feelings.

I will go up to a woman typically in a night club & say "hey" easily. The biggest challenge I face is the knowing what to say after, I go completely blank minded usually & it creeps the woman out. I have difficulty leading the conversation or just knowing what to say. I know the woman can typically sense this kind of subtle neediness that I am trying to extract something from them instead of trying to provide value. Unfortunately it is a self fulfilling prophecy because the more I seem to get rejected, then it reinforces feelings of worthlessness/ not knowing what to say ect..  I am sure I would be a lot more confident if I could easily get a lot of attractive women, things would probably come to me naturally then. I only seem to have bad memories with women which causes me bad emotions in this aspect of my life. I am the only one that can change myself though, I even have an overboard of knowledge of 'game' but it means nothing if you don't go out & practice. 

Defo going to try & incorporate daily approaches. Determining wether to do nightgame or daygame though. I feel like you can just procastinate on this for way to long without taking any action at all.

I think my problem is just not really talking to anyone in general to be honest, you kind of just get to a point of not even knowing how to socialize. I remember doing 10 approaches in a night club a few weeks ago just by saying 'hey' & my mind went blank afterwards, the women did not really even give me there time of day to talk to me & it affected my self-esteem a lot that night. I guess 10 is quite a lot when you are not used to it though. 

I often go out & try to have the mindset that I want to do a solid approach instead of a meek one, which enhances approach anxiety so I think it would be best to drop that state of mind for the time being. 

 

[Arcangelo]

On 1/8/2022 at 5:06 AM, B222 said:

What did you do to overcome it?

I have testicles.