Emotions part 2

[Preety_India]

Add notes later. 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 January 8, 2022

I woke up feeling shitty. I had dreams.  I was crying in those dreams. Nobody could understand my pain and my wounds. I was thinking about the men who hurt me and betrayed me. 

It hurts how they mistreated me. It hurt deep. I felt like trash. I felt like a slave. I felt objectified. I felt like dirt. Like nobody cared about me. My Vulnerability was used against me. I felt terrible. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2 January 8, 2022

I had promised myself that I won't be participating in this forum again. What happened to that? 

I cannot stand this place. Yet sometimes I'm tempted to answer some questions. 

 

 

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Edited January 8, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 Update 3 January 8, 2022 

 

[Preety_India]

The problems I'm currently facing that I need to conquer this year are —

• Depression
• Anxiety 
• Panic 
• Nightmares 
• PTSD 
• Rage issues due to PTSD 
• Suicidal ideation
• Insomnia 
• Learning disorders and disability 
• Memory issues 

 

 

[Preety_India]

To do list. 

Work related updates. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 4 January 8, 2022

 

work related  update, January 8,  2022(Refer To do list.)

 

 

 

 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Feeling so sick and tired right now. 

Woke up feeling shitty again. 

Had a bad dream but completely forgot upon waking up. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 4 January 8, 2022

I tend to get a bit disoriented when I wake up, as if I'm in the middle of jungle not knowing where to go. 

Writing in the journal helps me to feel grounded. 

Girl, what happened to not participating in the forum? You just did 

 

Answer to self = that's because I just woke up and when I'm just woken up, my brain is gooey and a mess. Then in that state, I click on a thread and start replying, that kinda acts like a kicker. 

But control control control control.. 

Tomorrow onwards, no more replying to any thread. Okay??? 

Just pure focus on the journal. 

I did my social responsibility and social obligation to this forum by writing this thread. 

If anyone on this forum commits suicide in the future, my reply is going to be this same thread. Yes there is some responsibility on the part of the owner to look into the suicides and put general disclaimers. Also having compassion for suicidal people will go a long way. I had many talking points in the thread. 

I saw that this forum has a dismissive attitude towards suicide, it's generally like "this is not our job."  sorry! to me it appears as dismissal. 

Once I know I finished my obligation to this forum, I can have peace of mind and  move on. That was probably my last thread. 

Leaving aside all of that, I have to be back on track with myself and continue to grow myself this year. 

I really didn't even think about my new year goals. OK that's going to be in my bucket list. 

I will have two lists to work on - one is a TO Do list, just to keep a track on work and projects and the second list is going to be the bucket list which will entail things I wish to accomplish or hope to accomplish this year or things that I generally want or should want. 

For example, one of the things I want is to have concrete goals for the year 2022. No wishy washy. No laziness. No monkey business. No blankness. No being clueless about what I want. 

The new year began while I was in a stupor from the flu. Time went by and it's already a week now. It helps to keep a track. So I barely have had time to make concrete plans and goals for the new year. Messy start I can say. 

One thing that was good was that I flipped through some zodiac information on my horoscope and came to know that red is going to be my lucky color. Synchronically, I had already ordered red jewelry before even reading the horoscope. That was a bit unusual, but not too unusual since my brain always works like a psychic, always had. So I'm not surprised that my brain picked the red color automatically. 

I got all the red jewellery now, except maybe a few rings that are going to be delivered. Apart from that I wanted to start my new journey this year and celebrate healing and leave my unfortunate past for good. Since I suffer from PTSD, this is a huge challenge, as one of the hallmark signs of PTSD is the constant resurgence or resurfacing of the past through rumination, a traumatized brain tends to vomit constantly until its finally done and over with and can move on. Pressuring it to move on prematurely (without adequate vomiting) is like dressing the wound with multiple layers of cloth and not letting it get oxygen to heal. If the dressing is not removed, the  wound might get infected. 

Similarly if bottled up emotions are suppressed further, they will find an outlet in the future to explode like a ticking bomb. I guess that's what happens to mall shooters. They never get enough time or space to heal and bottled up emotions then explode like a bomb all at once. It gets explosive when it's not dealt with. 

Don't push yourself when it comes to healing. Vent as much as possible. And then the mind reaches a point where it's ready to finally let go and move on. 

This year I'm ready to move on. This is mostly happening because of Marcel. He is kinda fast tracking my progress. 

I'll have to gradually lose my attachment to the past. And then swiftly move on. To celebrate this moment of launching myself I bought a bunch of lipsticks (lol). I know it sounds cheap but lipsticks make me happy, I'm the girly girl. 

 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

OK done with journaling for today. I'll write the rest tomorrow. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I love you so much. I was missing you. 

Kiss kuss ??

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1  January 9, 2022

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work related update, January 9, 2022(Refer To do list.)

.

Sometimes I feel like I should have my own makeup brand. 

That would be cool if I made my own stuff.. 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'll call my makeup brand Natural Goddess. 

That's a nice name my bf suggested. 

I would have everything in this brand. From makeup, skincare, wellbeing, fashion, jewelry, grooming, health, food, lifestyle and ideas,spirituality. 

Everything that is wholesome will be included in this brand. 

I would love this concept if I can turn it into reality.. 

 

[Preety_India]

I think I ate a bit too much of garlic. 

Now my mouth is smelling of garlic. Ew Ew ewww.. It's also causing me acidity and making me feel nauseous. 

Noooooooooo. 

Drink plenty of water. Just chug it girl. 

 

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

“I am so happy and grateful now that I have my own make up brand called Natural Goddess that is enriching the life’s of millions of people daily all around the world with everything that is wholesome from makeup, skincare, wellbeing, fashion, jewelry, grooming, health, food, lifestyle and ideas to spirituality”

Hun i know you can do this my sweet peach 

I’ll help you all the way my smoosh .

I want this to be a thing. I really really want this to be a thing. I’m your biggest fan already. Kuss ? 

#WholesomeWorld ?❤️

 

 

 

 

I'm your fan for eternity. Moosh moosh. 

*greedily absorbs all the love. 

Feels like I'm sleeping on a cloud when I'm talking to you. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Update 1 January 10, 2022 

. 

@Marcel missing you. Moosh moosh.

................ 

 

I'm trying to have a good day. 

Looking into makeup ideas. 

I am thinking more positive these days. 

A lot of my transformation is because of marcelllllllsecret glow on face instantly. 

 

Hehe got a new nickname. 

You're my sweet crispy creme donut. Kiss.. 

 

 

Edited January 10, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Update 2 January 10, 2022 

. 

 

[Preety_India]

On 10/01/2022 at 10:20 AM, Marcel said:

Missing you smoosh smoosh 

Today will be a good day my cute duckling 

? 

*Makes your face secretly glow with love and affection eternally, like make up only I can see  on you ❤️
 

You’re my spicy curry chilly cake baguette  ?

*Kusssssssssssssssss ???

Moosh moosh. Love you. Kusss. 

 

[Preety_India]

Mini updates.. 

 

Separator.

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I got a bunch of lipsticks. I just love them. I will post pictures when I put it on. 

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Want to focus on positivity. 

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[Preety_India]

Mini updates.. 

January 14, 2022, 6.am

I still feel a bit weak. But I slept kinda okay. That's a huge improvement from how I slept a couple of days ago. 

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Bill time. 

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I had 3 words in my mind yesterday. And I forgot to note it down. 

One word was healing. 

Another word was probably psychic. 

Maybe nourishing 

Protective 

Growing

Enriching. 

Uplifting. 

Then there are other words. 

Inner child 

Holistic health 

Psychic spiritual coaching 

Naturopathy

 

 

 

 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Preety_India