"Spirituality" fell away spontaneously

[Sugarcoat]

Hi everyone. I just felt a sudden urge to share this. Some desire for self expression I guess because I´m feeling a bit disoriented. 

About three years ago I got introduced to spirituality. I loved to watch Eckhart Tolle, then I started to watch Actualized.org soooo much. One summer I seriously watched almost all videoss from the start. It resonated a LOT. A new dimension seemed to have opened up "wow I can feel into my inner body and anxiety can dissolve, there is something beyond thinking??". So I started meditating everyday, built up to an hour a day, practiced what Eckhart Tolle said, presence, practised acceptance, contemplation. This seemed to get me somewhere. I felt releases of tension, spontaneous shifts in perspective, what I at the time would have called "increase in awareness". I´m not talking about radical mystical experiences, I´ve never had those, but I hope you who is reading this doesn`t disqualify all i have to say after this becuase of it. Anyways. 

So I had this very subtle spiritual paradigm, I say subtle because I was still open minded to that I can be wrong and it´s not like I was super dogmatic or something. But there was still this sense of tension and certainty (tension and certainty seem to go hand in hand) about this spiritual paradigm. This paradigm/wordview included things like 

"My meditation is contributing to the increase in my awareness, which is improving my life/decreasing my suffering since awareness is foundational, so if I miss meditation I will suffer more and the increase in awareness will be slower" 

"If I feel into my body intensely enough like Eckhart says, I can dissolve negative feelings"

"when I meditate or spend time alone, the stillness and lack of distraction creates space for intuitions, insights, repressed emotions and thoughts to arise, thus I can "purify" myself and peel off all the layers of ego"

"If I accept this, then the anxiety will go away"

These beliefs, the sense of certainty and tension about these things were more implicit than explicit. It´s not really that I explicitly thought these things, it was more implicit. 

So this winter break, as usual when I have breaks, I thought implicitly "I´ll do as much spiritual practise and meditation as possible so I can really increase my awareness" . So I meditated 3 hours a day. 

Then one night maybe a week ago, a thought came to my mind that said something like this "what if I let go off the need to control future suffering" then bam a release of tension, shift in perspective, release of certainty, what I wouldve called "increase in awareness" seemed to happen (once again not super radical wow wow mystical experience but something seemed to happen). Shortly after, other thoughts and insights came . "what if my meditation has absolutely nothing at all to do with my apparent increases in awareness". "what if feeling into my body has nothing to do with it either" "how could trying to accept my negative feelings get rid of them? If I´m hoping that acceptance will get rid of them, that´s not true acceptance, since acceptance is allowing, how could an act/effort in time lead to accepting what already is? " . "What does it even mean to "increase awareness"?

There were attempts from my mind to associate these insights with my longer than usual meditation, but it is just obvious now how I don´t know at all if there is ANY CORRELATION. 

There used to be a sense of loss if I didn´t meditate, I had an idea that I was always moving towards higher states of awareness, and something is lost if I don´t get to those higher states, so I need to meditate to accelerate the increase in awareness. There was also this subtle tension and expectation during meditation that the meditation would "do something for me".

But when the insights came, it´s just obvious now how I have no damn clue if meditation does anything at all for me. So this expecation dropped. Since then I have not meditated at all, yes I can meditate. But what is gained if I do? What is lost if I don´t? I don´t know, this sense of certainty fell away. 

Also, what is lost if I don´t reach some conceptual idea of "higher awareness". It became obvious how I had a concept in my mind of higher awareness and that I was attaching some happiness to this. So this sense of "I lose something if i dont increase my awareness" fell away.

Less certainty= more not knowing. But not knowing is not a feeling, or a state, it just seems to be "less" now than previously, hard to describe. 

Even if I used to think "I can always be wrong" or "the map is not the terretory" I still had a sense of certainty about this spiritual  paradigm, and certainty has a tension to it.

What if the idea of "constantly increasing your awareness" is hindering you from doing so? 

If someone would have told me this two years ago, it probably wouldnt have "resonated". Maybe this resonates with someone, resonance seems to happen spontaneously, If it clicks it just does. If it falls away, it just does. 

This is also concept, and in the future this will probably also fall away from my mind, but right now this is what I resonate with. 

If I were to conceptualize my life, things seem to just slowly fall away idk , I wonder what the end is, why would it stop?

I´m not saying I´m "above" spirituality like wow look at me ive transcended this you guys could never, I´m just sharing what seemed to have happened and what resonates with me right now. Yes perhaps a hint of ego somewhere but I can´t really feel it right now, maybe in the future idk.

So far it sounds like it´s only felt good, no since then i´ve also had quite a bit of anxiety, the kind that just sits there in the background, felt a bit disoriented, cried several times. There is somewhat of this sense "there is nothing to do about it" so ive just kinda suffered through it. Maybe just concept in my mind but this sense of cause and effect between these spiritual practises and my state has fell away so idk im just "going through it". 

take care

Edited January 8, 2022 by Sugarcoat
Wanted to add something extra

[VeganAwake]

Yep,

No real better or worse.

It's crazy because people will jump through spiritual hoops for 30+ years and still never realize what "you" just realized.

What a trip right!

❤ 

 

[BlueOak]

9 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

So far it sounds like it´s only felt good, no since then i´ve also had quite a bit of anxiety, the kind that just sits there in the background, felt a bit disoriented, cried several times. There is somewhat of this sense "there is nothing to do about it" so ive just kinda suffered through it.

 

Different things for different folks.

What got you to that place, where the anxiety and thoughts are separate? Where you can cry and open up? 

But wherever you are now, if you are intune with you and those around you, that's where you need to be.

Edited January 8, 2022 by BlueOak

[Salvijus]

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

♥️ Congrats, to no one?

My god, not another one...

 

?

@Sugarcoat bro. Increase in awareness is not a concept, it's real. Dissolving pain body is not a concept either, it's real. Practice of awareness and other spiritual practices are legit and have direct correlation with those results. This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

 

[Raptorsin7]

10 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

My god, not another one...

 

?

@Sugarcoat bro. Increase in awareness is not a concept, it's real. Dissolving pain body is not a concept either, it's real. Practice of awareness and other spiritual practices are legit and have direct correlation with those results. This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

 

???

[Salvijus]

@Judy2 I was just joking, it's okey ??

[Khan 0]

5 hours ago, Salvijus said:

My god, not another one...

 

?

@Sugarcoat bro. Increase in awareness is not a concept, it's real. Dissolving pain body is not a concept either, it's real. Practice of awareness and other spiritual practices are legit and have direct correlation with those results. This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

 

What is real? How do you define real? Experience,taste, smell? What is the difference between experience and smell? Aren't they both experience s?

[Salvijus]

@Khan 0 

19 minutes ago, Khan 0 said:

What is real? How do you define real? Experience,taste, smell? What is the difference between experience and smell? Aren't they both experience s?

what does that have to do with anything lol. You're overthinking this, what i wrote was very simple, no need to overcomplicate things ?

[gettoefl]

meditation is tuning into mindfulness for the day at hand, do it as needed and until needed

[WelcometoReality]

@Sugarcoat Yes, that's usually what happens when beliefs fall away. You feel disoriented and look for ways to gain clarity. ?

So maybe your spiritual practices doesn't lead to an "increase in awareness" or maybe they do. Do you enjoy doing them or would you rather do something else?

Embrace the not knowing and ask yourself what feels true for you and it might be revealed.

 

Edited January 8, 2022 by WelcometoReality

[Khan 0]

17 minutes ago, Khan 0 said:

6 hours ago, Salvijus said:

This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

Because you said this my friend. That's why I asked you.

[Salvijus]

14 minutes ago, Khan 0 said:

Because you said this my friend. That's why I asked you.

Okey, sorry if I misunderstood something. ? I would still rather not go into a discussion about what is real because I fail to see the point in doing so. 

"Apple is real, it's not a concept" going beyond that simple logic deeper into the woods is a headache of mental masturbation and I'm doing nofap this year, so... ? 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Salvijus

[Khan 0]

1 minute ago, Salvijus said:

Okey, sorry if I misunderstood something. ? I would still rather not go into a discussion about what is real because I fail to see the point in doing so. 

"Apple is real, it's not a concept" going beyond that logic deeper is a headache of mental masturbation and I'm doing nofap this year, so... ? 

??☺️☺️☺️☺️❤️❤️❤️???

[Fearless_Bum]

@Sugarcoat yes! 

Spirituality is the biggest trap of them all. 

"I'm raising my awareness!" What a load of shit ?. What awareness? 

Glad you surrendered to the simple-ness.

[Consilience]

7 hours ago, Salvijus said:

My god, not another one...

 

?

@Sugarcoat bro. Increase in awareness is not a concept, it's real. Dissolving pain body is not a concept either, it's real. Practice of awareness and other spiritual practices are legit and have direct correlation with those results. This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

 

Lmao. Keep fighting the good fight @Salvijus

Yeah @Sugarcoat this post is potentially a HUGE trap on the path. Tread carefully. 

For those reading, know there is most certainly progress, attainments, and radical transformations available for those who persist with their practice. The goal should be striving and seeking from a position of infinite detachment, imo.

[WelcometoReality]

1 hour ago, Consilience said:

Yeah @Sugarcoat this post is potentially a HUGE trap on the path. Tread carefully. 

For those reading, know there is most certainly progress, attainments, and radical transformations available for those who persist with their practice. The goal should be striving and seeking from a position of infinite detachment, imo.

For those who wants yes. You can always go further on the continuum but that's not for everyone. Some may want to stay where they are and let it deepen right where they are. Ultimately we don't get to choose what we truly want. ?

[Asayake]

Could it not be the case that it is just a rationalization(a good one at that) to skip meditation? Or do you find meditation equal to doing the things you do instead in terms of challenge/pleasure? What I mean is that could this not just be an excuse not to go through the trouble of meditating? There's truth in both perspectives but which perspective do you think would lead to a better life? Who will this human become with meditation and who will the human become without? Yes, on the deepest level it might be the same but unless you're aware of your enlightenment right now.. how you want your life to turn out should be reflected in what you do with your time. Meditation is a good way to embrace life!

[Sugarcoat]

On 2022-01-08 at 4:53 AM, VeganAwake said:

Yep,

No real better or worse.

It's crazy because people will jump through spiritual hoops for 30+ years and still never realize what "you" just realized.

What a trip right!

❤ 

 

This falling away of certainty seems to happen spontaneously. I´m starting to think how it seems completely independent of any action I take in my life. 

On 2022-01-08 at 8:37 AM, Judy2 said:

@Sugarcoat

♥️ Congrats, to no one?

You may discover that over time, your practices will become much more intuitive. Such that whenever you are struggling in a particular situation, you'll have a few "techniques"to try, but ultimately the right way to cope with it will come to you spontaneously.

 

Thanks darling, Yes! It seems very spontaneous. 

[Sugarcoat]

On 2022-01-08 at 10:59 AM, BlueOak said:

Different things for different folks.

What got you to that place, where the anxiety and thoughts are separate? Where you can cry and open up? 

But wherever you are now, if you are intune with you and those around you, that's where you need to be.

Anxiety and thoughts seem to go hand in hand still from my perspective. If I am around people I will hold tears back usually but when I am alone I let myself cry. Just let yourself cry, I don´t do anything specific, if the crying comes it comes

Yes, i´ll let my emotions guide. Where there is tension there is something to work on

[Sugarcoat]

On 2022-01-08 at 11:18 AM, Salvijus said:

My god, not another one...

 

?

@Sugarcoat bro. Increase in awareness is not a concept, it's real. Dissolving pain body is not a concept either, it's real. Practice of awareness and other spiritual practices are legit and have direct correlation with those results. This can easily be verified through direct experience imo.

 

I´m not saying it´s not real. I´m saying I don´t know if it is, and I didn´t know it even when I thought it was real, so from my perspective it was concept at the time.