How to let go of ex gf

[actually]

So been together with this girl for 5 yrs. I was 18 she was 17 when we started. She broke up with me a year ago. Always had the idea or impression I had her for life but things got complicated. She wanted out and I could not accept it. It was a big ego hit for me. Still struggling with that to this day but back then it really hit me hard.
 I just wanna get over this girl because its slowing my progression.

As I said, im still struggling with the ego bit. In my head she ditched me because I wasnt manly enough and acted out of insecurity. I sent her some long text saying how much I loved her and was proud of her and all this sad shit just in the hopes of winning her back. I never was like this in the relationship. Never was clingy or dependent on her..Shit changed when she was the one breaking up with me. So for a long time I kept beating myself up for this weak ass attempt at winning her back with the last text message. 
 

After that I went no contact and never send anything again. Went out and enjoyed single life with other girls. I have no problems getting girls but I have to admit I do seek their approval. 

I know im beating myself up too much over this and what should’ve been said and what not does not matter anymore. Its past. But here I am still thinking about proving to her that I am actually the man she wants and needs. I dont want this. I wanna get over her especially as she monkey branched to another guy within 2 weeks after BU. 
 

 

how to actually accept the situation as is and move on. Getting tired of this shit
 

 

 

[JosephKnecht]

2 hours ago, actually said:

I have no problems getting girls but I have to admit I do seek their approval. 

Why do you seek their approval? Do they need them to validate your existence? 

2 hours ago, actually said:

But here I am still thinking about proving to her that I am actually the man she wants and needs. I dont want this.

You can't prove anything to anyone. You can only prove things to yourself. So prove to yourself that you don't need her.

You can still want her, but you don't need her. The neediness makes the difference. 

 

[flowboy]

3 hours ago, actually said:

So been together with this girl for 5 yrs. I was 18 she was 17 when we started. She broke up with me a year ago. Always had the idea or impression I had her for life but things got complicated. She wanted out and I could not accept it. It was a big ego hit for me. Still struggling with that to this day but back then it really hit me hard.
 I just wanna get over this girl because its slowing my progression.

As I said, im still struggling with the ego bit. In my head she ditched me because I wasnt manly enough and acted out of insecurity. I sent her some long text saying how much I loved her and was proud of her and all this sad shit just in the hopes of winning her back. I never was like this in the relationship. Never was clingy or dependent on her..Shit changed when she was the one breaking up with me. So for a long time I kept beating myself up for this weak ass attempt at winning her back with the last text message. 
 

After that I went no contact and never send anything again. Went out and enjoyed single life with other girls. I have no problems getting girls but I have to admit I do seek their approval. 

I know im beating myself up too much over this and what should’ve been said and what not does not matter anymore. Its past. But here I am still thinking about proving to her that I am actually the man she wants and needs. I dont want this. I wanna get over her especially as she monkey branched to another guy within 2 weeks after BU. 
 

 

how to actually accept the situation as is and move on. Getting tired of this shit
 

 

 

You haven't taken the full lesson.

Once you learn the full lesson that a relationship is supposed to give you, all you feel is gratitude.

Her breaking up with you was a sign that you need to work on something.

Seeking approval from other girls is just another manifestation of that same thing you need to work on.

Once you've worked through it, and you don't need approval anymore, you will just be grateful to your ex.

And probably you won't want to be with her so much anymore, but you'll still appreciate and love her from a distance.

So stop running, and face your shadows.

This is not about getting over this woman.

This is about whatever is in your shadow that causes you to seek approval.

Why do you not feel enough? Or worthy?

Really do the work on this.

Shadow work, inner child work, et cetera.

If you don't, life will just bring you more and more painful situations to make you face the same issue.

So you might as well stop running, and buckle down, now.

[ndm678]

Your story is similar to mine, it played out pretty much the same. She was my wife, and we had more time invested.

You've found some approval seeking behavior with other women. That's good, you can recognize and work with that.

As for the 'getting over' part, time. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Go for a walk, clear your mind. Maybe go to a park or a quiet spot like that with notebook. Sit down and write out a list of 10 things you love about her. Not loved, but love... still admire. Feel into each one. 

Love, not the idea that we love or the idea that we must cut ourselves off from love but the direct felt love is the only thing that both merges seamlessly and lets go of effortlessly. 

❤

[actually]

48 minutes ago, flowboy said:

You haven't taken the full lesson.

Once you learn the full lesson that a relationship is supposed to give you, all you feel is gratitude.

Her breaking up with you was a sign that you need to work on something.

Seeking approval from other girls is just another manifestation of that same thing you need to work on.

Once you've worked through it, and you don't need approval anymore, you will just be grateful to your ex.

And probably you won't want to be with her so much anymore, but you'll still appreciate and love her from a distance.

So stop running, and face your shadows.

This is not about getting over this woman.

This is about whatever is in your shadow that causes you to seek approval.

Why do you not feel enough? Or worthy?

Really do the work on this.

Shadow work, inner child work, et cetera.

If you don't, life will just bring you more and more painful situations to make you face the same issue.

So you might as well stop running, and buckle down, now.

You know it feels like Ive accepted it for 50%. Some days I feel like okay she has a boyfriend now and lives together and seems happy. And I feel genuinely happy for her. Other days I have this feeling to impress her. Imagining in my head how Ill act whenever I see her, acting all aloof and preferably with another girl so she (my ex) can see. Writing this out I can see how very immature that is and im done with thinking like that. I just wanna know why I do and how to fix it. 
 

Im definitely running and its slowing me down in healing. Where to start with shadow work?

[Raze]

 

I think the issue is less the girl and more her leaving you is bringing up an emotional wound that needs to be healed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hCKflUUrw4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJE5TSHSbSk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU1Rp184IT4

I also suggest trying internal family systems therapy and learning to meet your own emotional needs

 

or Try letting go by David R Hawkins, the Sedona method, or Byron Katie method.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHfAMh6Edm4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8m4rcOL7IE

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Raze

[Leo Gura]

@actually Channel that mental energy into making yourself a stronger man for other girls.

The truth you're avoiding here is that you're not as strong a man as you thought you were. Okay, that's good feedback. Take that feedback and go make yourself stronger.

Note: this is not about sleeping with other girls to get over your ex, this is about growing yourself into a stronger man so that next time you're in relationship you feel secure and grounded. It's about raising your value so that girls don't want to leave you. The hotter the girl the more grounded she will need you to be for her.

[Raze]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@actually Channel that mental energy into making yourself a stronger man for other girls.

The truth you're avoiding here is that you're not as strong a man as you thought you were. Okay, that's good feedback. Take that feedback and go make yourself stronger.

Note: this is not about sleeping with other girls to get over your ex, this is about growing yourself into a stronger man so that next time you're in relationship you feel secure and grounded. It's about raising your value so that girls don't want to leave you. The hotter the girl the more grounded she will need you to be for her.

Maybe he shouldn’t depend his self worth on how girls respond to him, which seems to have caused the problem in the first place.

[Miguel1]

19 minutes ago, Raze said:

Maybe he shouldn’t depend his self worth on how girls respond to him, which seems to have caused the problem in the first place.

This advice is not very helpful for the majority of men. We have needs. And to meet those needs, we have to improve ourselves to become valuable and grounded enough that the needs are met. The hotter the girl is, the more valuable and grounded a man she needs, like Leo says.

It is extremely hard / even impossible to ascend to higher levels of spirituality if you can't even have your basic needs met.

Be careful with that rationalization / self-lie, since it is very convenient in keeping you lazy and by-passing the serious work.

[Raze]

3 hours ago, Migue Lonas said:

This advice is not very helpful for the majority of men. We have needs. And to meet those needs, we have to improve ourselves to become valuable and grounded enough that the needs are met. The hotter the girl is, the more valuable and grounded a man she needs, like Leo says.

It is extremely hard / even impossible to ascend to higher levels of spirituality if you can't even have your basic needs met.

Be careful with that rationalization / self-lie, since it is very convenient in keeping you lazy and by-passing the serious work.

This isn’t true, not meeting your own emotional needs and being dependent on female validation will produce neediness and make it much harder to attract women, especially emotionally healthy women, as you are reactive and care what they think / aren’t outcome independent. Receiving female validation doesn’t truly remove such neediness either, that’s why OP still has it despite in his own description saying he got plenty of girls.

Edited January 7, 2022 by Raze

[B222]

It’s over mate. No shame in still loving her. Plenty of opportunities out there. 
 

@Leo Gura @Migue Lonas what is, being grounded? In what ways can one become more grounded? 

[Roy]

I'm with Raze on this, relationship to the opposite sex ought to be put in a more healthy auxiliary position.

You say it's not helpful to the "majority" of men, but this isn't the case. The better half of men (while they don't excel) actually don't struggle with women.

Be careful not to project your own deficiencies and uniquely low starting positions onto others.

[actually]

39 minutes ago, Raze said:

This isn’t true, not meeting your own emotional needs and being dependent on female validation will produce neediness and make it much harder to attract women, especially emotionally healthy women, as you are reactive and care what they think / aren’t outcome independent. Receiving female validation doesn’t truly remove such neediness either, that’s why OP still has it despite in his own description saying he got plenty of girls.

This is true. Dont matter how many girls give their validation. Even got some girls wanting to be my girlfriend. Its just that one girl that ignores me which is giving me those negative feelings about my self. Self doubt and all that stuff. I think being outcome independent is the way to go and actually not caring at all if she responds positively or not is what a man should have. Somehow I cant be in that position yet.

[Miguel1]

I personally prefer satisfying my sexual needs through deep intimacy with an attractive woman. The more conscious and mature, the better. The thing is, chances are that if they are conscious and mature, they are taking care of their body very well, thus increasing their attractiveness.

Now, if you got to choose to have sex and deep intimacy with an ugly, average or attractive girl, which one would you choose? I don't think it is very rocket science.

But the point I'm making here and I'm pretty sure Leo as well, is that, unless you are able to consistently attract these very attractive women, leading to True level of abundance, you won't be able to keep one. If there is any neediness, then attraction is gone. And there will be neediness if you deep down feel that she is special and ''once in a rare moon'' type of girl. And the way to consistently attract these women is to improve yourself into a Strong, high value man who is grounded.

So, this would be the True Independence from women's validation - when you deep in your guts know that if you wanted to, you could attract an attractive woman into your life anytime. This is what being grounded means. You don't care too much if she decides to leave you. Of course it will sting a bit because of the deep connection built overtime. But in the first initial stages of attraction, you don't give a fuck because you know you can attract another one right away.

This has been my experience. Also, once in a deep relationship with an attractive girl, I will not let the relationship go toxic because I actually know deep down that I can replace her beauty anytime. This gives me the power to set clear boundaries. And this leads her to respect me, thus remain attracted to me.

Where spirituality comes into play, is that deep contenment, acceptance, and self-love gives you the inner abundance of not seeking for happiness outside you. But hey, if you have deep acceptance and self-love, why not improve yourself as a man so that you can enjoy the beauty of deep physical and emotional intimacy with an attractive girl?

This is not very hard to grasp, no? 

[flowboy]

@actually 

What I usually do with clients is start with investigating your childhood conditioning, everything you remember from the past impacting you.

Get writing, write out your entire story and every event that negatively or positively impacted you.

This is a good start to dig some things up and refresh your mind.

1. From there, I'd first try feeling into the feeling of wanting approval.
   How does it feel?
2. When was the first time you felt this way?
   That will get you to the root of it.
3. From there, fully feel the feelings connected to that memory.
4. Then change the scene to 'save yourself' in that memory.

In my experience when doing this myself and also when working with people, this creates a sense of sudden freedom, clarity, and now you can see and be who you would be without this past event.

Need for approval is based in unworthiness. Unworthiness is based in childhood unmet needs or adolescent trauma.

Children are born feeling worthy. Then shit happens.

This is how you get back to your pure, worthy, confident, non-needy state.

I really love this shit. It's amazing to see.

 

When feeling this sense of needing approval again, you can do the 3-2-1 method by Ken Wilber. You can do it writing style. No need to have a person in mind, you can also directly talk to a feeling.

 

 

Actually @flume made videos that will be helpful to you:

 

Edited January 7, 2022 by flowboy

[B222]

@Migue Lonas yea, makes sense. So much depth, cheers 

[Leo Gura]

5 hours ago, Raze said:

Maybe he shouldn’t depend his self worth on how girls respond to him, which seems to have caused the problem in the first place.

A man's self-esteem does depend on how well women respond to him.

If you suck with girls that can't but tank your self-esteem. Just like if he cannot hold onto a job, that will tank a man's self-esteem.

And if a girl is never approached by men, that will also tank her self-esteem. People want to feel sexually desirable.

[Hardkill]

48 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

A man's self-esteem does depend on how well women respond to him.

If you suck with girls that can't but tank your self-esteem. Just like if he cannot hold onto a job, that will tank a man's self-esteem.

And if a girl is never approached by men, that will also tank her self-esteem. People want to feel sexually desirable.

So then how can a guy ever get his self-esteem healed if after approaching thousands of girls he still couldn’t even get one of them?

How does a girl ever recover her self-esteem if she could never get a boyfriend or husband throughout her entire life even by the time she reaches 60 something years old? 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Hardkill

[Waves]

11 minutes ago, Hardkill said:

So then how can a guy ever get his self-esteem healed if after approaching thousands of girls he still couldn’t even get one of them?

This is pretty extreme, have you done thousands of approaches and did your self-esteem stay the same? You're starting off already thinking it's not possible to get a girl.

Being sexually desirable is not the only factor that raises your self-esteem. Recognizing you're on your path, aligning with your hero's journey will do wonders. And you can do that through journaling, contemplation, self-reflection and many other types of inner work. Go out in the world and experience life. Even just feeling strong and at ease in your own body through exercise, nutrition, awareness, etc. will help.

Approach it from different angles and you'll build a solid foundation.