Solving A Train Wreck

[Kross]

Creating this journal out of frustration, desperation and boredom. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Kross

[Kross]

I've been stuck at home since the last 2 years, thanks to stupid covid. There's a new wave of covid building up right now, so I'll be stuck at home for even longer, indefinitely. I was 18 when this covid mayhem started, and I'm 20 now. I've got a grand total of 3 friends right now, only one of them lives close to my house. They're good friends, can't complain. But I wanna get out of my house and meet a lot of new people and engage in a lot of new activities.  All the college campuses here have been closed since the pandemic started, and since there's a new wave coming, it doesn't seem like they're gonna open anytime soon. I'm pissed off about this, big time. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Kross

[Kross]

I desperately want to enhance my social skills. I've been listening to Leo for the last 3-4 years and went through a phase of fantasizing about meditating all day. I even purchased his book list and wanted to read all the books on it. I'm definitely not in that phase right now. I feel like a hungry primate caged inside this room. I haven't had a proper friend circle in the last 6-8 years and I've never been in a relationship before. I'm genuinely, honestly desperate for all of that right now - for more friends, and girls.   

Edited January 7, 2022 by Kross

[Kross]

My anxiety levels have been skyrocketing lately. I definitely have some form of OCD, and it's not mild at this point. My sleep schedule was never perfect, but it's a total disaster now. I'm borderline underweight and don't know how to workout, I don't exercise. My diet is catastrophic and my appetite is now almost half of what it used to be when I was 15. I'm slowly growing to hate food in general. I don't drink enough water in a day. I can't seem to go more than 2-3 days without masturbating. 

[Kross]

I live with my parents. I've got a terrible relationship with my father. I can't share almost anything with him at this point, the gap between our worldviews is too large.  I wanna start earning good money and move out as soon as possible. 

[Kross]

I've been incredibly lazy for the last few months. Procrastination issues have been at an all time high. In a day, I don't do anything specific for an extended amount of time, but most of my day is spent in front of a screen, mostly on youtube. But I'm trying to work more and be more productive these days.

[Kross]

The state of mind I'm in right now feels like hell. Yeah, conceptually I get that things could always be way worse and there are people out there suffering astronomically more than me - but within my own bubble I still feel TERRIBLE. Terrible enough to have multiple suicidal thoughts a week. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Kross

[Kross]

This is overwhelming.   

[Kross]

My 20 year old body feels like it's 40 right now. 

[Kross]

I'm optimistic though.